MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

The OP's said herself her DP ruined her nights out twice... how is that the mis reading

Mmmmmm I'd be suspicious that his anxiety manifests in controlling behaviour personally. That would be enough of a yellow flag to make me ponder...

@Ohmydayslove I know you mean well, but I have PTSD, so your remarks about how I know nothing about anxiety are way off.

OP has posted about some red flags for controlling behaviour from both her MIL and her DH. Its not that other people need more empathy, but that you need more background in dealing with narcissists and the fallout they create.

Mmmmmm I'd be suspicious that his anxiety manifests in controlling behaviour personally. That would be enough of a yellow flag to make me ponder

I agree

Genimi

His behaviour was so out of character he sought medical help. He has anxiety issues. Anxiety and mental health issues can cause people to act totally out of normal character.

Think if you broke your leg you can’t walk. It doesn’t matter if you try you can’t. Anxiety issues are like that. You may even recognise you are acting irrationally but you can’t help it.

The op says it’s out of character so it’s a bit silly to keep doughting her accounts.

The mil most probably worked on his obvious anxiety to cause trouble and then to cause then to split hence her phone call to the ops mother.

The mil is taking advantage of her sons mental health issues which is pretty shitty.

The bil/sil know this abs are supportive. They have dealt with the mil regards themselves. She’s not turning her guns on the op as the wedding approaches. This can be solved by adopting all the wise advice above, excluding the horrible stuff about the dh, and they can move forward.

Love the posts saying I should let my mum loose on MIL...!!! If she lived any closer than 200 miles, I think DM would have already been round and knocked her out!

DP has just called me on his lunch break... again, saying how sorry he is... he is so upset by his mums behaviour and said he is going to call my mum to apologise again. I said not to apologise to me anymore, it's not his fault and congratulated him again for going to the drs. He is completely taken control of the situation and said not to worry about his mum, he'll deal with her.

AIBU to expect some sort of apology from her???? Despite how she is, I'm absolutely shell shocked she hasn't been in touch - either to check in or to apologise...

How long do you have until the wedding? Don't get married until you have sorted this out with your DP. Ask his brother to speak with him. Do not get married unless DP is 100% behind you no matter what, (it already sounds like he is though).

I speak from experience when I say that this only works if your husband always puts your needs before his mother's. Even then it will be very stressful, especially once you have children. My DH has nightmarish parents. It only works because he realises that they are not my problem to deal with and puts no pressure on me to do anything for them. I am NC with one of them now or less (we see each other at a family events but don't speak). The other one I can't bring myself to go NC as it isn't deserved but I feel anxious every time I see them. On the odd occasion that I snap my DH always comforts and supports me. It is unpleasant for everyone but I love him and don't think that he deserves to be forever alone just because his parents are abusive shits. I had an abusive parent myself. I made sure that my DH never met her.

While those Grey Rock techniques probably work well with for example an ex, why curtail your own lives and go through all that kerfuffle for MIL. Feck that! There is no reason to jump through convoluted hoops to keep someone who behaves badly at bay. They would be cut out of my life! Above all, I would not fuel the drama with a big family chat. That is the last thing, especially OP’s DP needs. Just enforce a rigid ‘time-out’ as far as MIL is concerned. Actions have consequences. Enforce no contact for a while to allow you both to sort yourselves out. Then just tell her that she is on ‘limited strikes or she is out’ policy. If she shows any signs of repeating this ridiculous behaviour, then NC will be long-term or permanent. I watched my parents being held to ransom by the bad behaviour of DM’s PIL and have a zero-tolerance policy to any bullshit. When my GF tried to control me after my DF and DM put a stop to his interference, I blocked him. Life became infinitely less stressful. I trust OP to know that her DP’s behaviour is totally out of character and the upcoming wedding might have tipped him over the edge, no doubt brought on by batshit MIL. And he did stand up to her. OP just focus on you both and shut down that crazy Mofo.

Yanbu to expect an apology - but unless she has a long period of sustained and meaningful therapy, it will be meaningless, just another stepping stone in whatever game she is currently playing.

Not got time to read whole thread, but:

1. MIL. You cannot reason with unreasonable people. Arms length all the way, don't engage, if she spreads lies, just put people right. She will not, absolutely will not change. People like this thrive on attention and will throw their toys out of the pram whatever you do. Just smile mildly and 'mmm hmm' when you're with her. Don't engage with her on any significant level.

1. Your partner. You don't say how he 'kicked off' but it sounds worrying. Maybe this is something you should be thinking about more.

upstart

My youngest dd has ptsd after a life changing crash. My dh has anxiety issues and my mother was depressed through her 40s/50s

I mean well as do you but please don’t patronise.

I also know quite a great deal about controlling behaviour but the op said it was out of chsrscter so the fiancée wasn’t always controlling abs has apologised and seeking help.

I am reading the ops posts not projecting my own experiences here. That’s crucial. She doesn’t see this temporary controlling issue as a red flag she has said many times it’s out of character do so respect her on this.

Just to back up dp's character, in the 4 years we've been together, I've been to Vegas with the girls, ski trips with work friends, I went to Spain for a month competing with my horse.... never once a cross word!

That's good to hear Lola!

ps My own mum narrowly missed a kick off from my MIL just days after DS was born (my mum arrived one minute after MIL had stormed off after shrieking in my face as I stood there lactating).

Mum said she would have cracked MIL's head against the gatepost and warned her never to bother her daughter (me) again if their paths had crossed... so maybe best that they didn't!

I know this is not what you are posting about, but I'd give DP a couple of weeks (more if possible, given your wedding is looming) then arrange another weekend away without him just to see if he 'kicks off' again.

I agree with this too. I agree your MIL sounds awful - and really nothing to add to the advice on her you’ve been given. She sounds horrendous.

At the same time, a partner who kicks off (what do you mean by that by the way? Are we talking sulking? Shouting? Making it hard for you to go out? Hitting the walls?) when you go out is a red flag, regardless of the pressure they are under, or mental health issues.

I do understand he’s been under considerable pressure and suffers from anxiety...but the rest of your life is a long time. If he’s unwilling to go completely NC then you will be wedded to the dynamic between him and MIL not just him.

You've had some excellent advice on here. People like your MIL are unpredictable and exhausting but it's tricky just cutting someone off when you love them something I sadly know well so definitely deal with this as a team with DP and you can't go far wrong.

The only extra I'd add is to make sure she doesn't have the power to cancel any of your wedding arrangements. Contact all the critical providers and ask if you can set up a password to discuss any changes to your agreed arrangements.

I don't know if she has it in her to do something so spiteful but given that she's upset your mum late at night it doesn't seem like much of a reach.

I would be seriously tempted to tell everyone she knows to ignore her as she has a drinking problem or something.

When she gets upset, you explain that you're only giving her some of her own medicine

Obviously not really, but it would be soooo tempting

Anxiety can often manufacture itself in controlling behaviour. My dd developed ocd to control her evvironment, another girl started to cut herself.

Seeking to control is very much anxiety related.

However with help the fiancée can get better. My dd has and so has her friend who was involved I. The incident

It's 8 weeks tomorrow until the wedding. So stressed that this is supposed to be the most exciting time of our life... DP's anxiety issues aside, I can't believe someone would go to the lengths that she does to upset someone elses happiness.

im not not feeling for you here.i totally feel sorry for you.but I mwondering whther this time can be really focused in on your dp which will help you both in the long run too.but if she is like this he needs you and now having this diagnosis and level of anxiety he will need "mothering" more than ever.but in a protective strengthening way.anxiety can change a person and feels like a pain inside and out.so it must have been terrible for you seeing his changed behaviour and terrifying for him going through it.
so you can now build yourself back up together.do loads of really together stuff.fun stuff.try to lighten the situation wherever you can.
when anxious kids will always want there parents.so this might also be why he is more tolerant of her because part of him will just want his parent (mum) to help fix things.
can you go for a night away.or make some quality time together.even if its snippets throughout his busy day.making lunch and sitting together.watching a movie or program download.try to settle both your minds and get back the pair,the wall of strength you both have.this will help too in your feeling able to deal with the mil.
have you had a real sit down proper talk on how he feel about his mum and what to do.really get into it even the hard bit..just be sensitive with eacohter though.have an open mind for him as ur mum is ur mum and it put lots of blinkers on people for a while.more so than it does for people looking from the outside.
how can you manage this.what can he do?you doyou both do.just really lash it out.becasue her antics are becoming worse and its already started putting obstacles in your twos way.and that cant be allowed to happen.
plus if she is the cause of this anxiety he might not want to see it.she will however love it if she is the person she is seeming to be from your descriptions.and shell do anything for that power to be kept over him.
if something comes up tell him.when you see how she is behaving tell him.how aware is he of what she is doing?
if she comes into your house again agree to go and fetch the other come together and say listen mum.dont go upstair,nor touch or change our things round.stand there calmly.if she fights back let it come.let it hit you together.then ask her to leave.she will then be in fight or flight.and wont cope with thinking shes losing the reign over your dp.so will claw back.and you still stick together.
when someone is trying to have a power play over you especially if it someone that is supposed to love yo and make all things well it is exhausting and the tumoil of emotions weighs down every breath you take sometimes.so if this is happening and has ben happening for a long time with your dp.its no wonder hes broken down a bit.
keep being strong.she cant get to you unless you allow her it.but you seem really strong minded so you can get through this.

ohmydayslove that's so sad, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Anxiety really does manifest in awful ways. Looking back at the past 4 weeks or so, little things have been tell-tale that he may have been struggling... my heart breaks for him

gosh leaving someone because they are suffering a most probable temporary diagnosed mental illness? A totally out of the blue event.

God help some partners out there who are ever paralysed or become terminally ill. Oops red flag there you should LTB

I thought that the posters suggesting your DH and BIL sit down and have a sort of intervention with her is a very good idea. It sounds like she is heading for some kind of breakdown.
It is a pity the fast approaching wedding deadline complicates the issue, Can you get some councelling/medical advice so that you have a better idea of what you are dealing with and how to approach it. So sorry, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

The upside, if you can call it that, of this latest meddling of hers is that everyone she has tried to meddle with now knows she told a pack of lies. No-one she contacts will believe a word she says from now on, so really she's done you all a massive favour.

I'm sure you and your DH to be can lay down some strict boundaries with MIL and you have the support of SIL and BIL and your Mum too, so it should be a lot easier for you now.

Lolal

Thanks she is so so much better. A gap trip helped massively. Total change of people, scenery and perspective.

That’s why I hope you hsve a chance to get away for a honeymoon so you can both reset dials abs reconnect without the crazy and come home stronger??