To think he should pay on first date???

[namechangerforthis123]

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

I don't think YOU ABU to expect a first date pays. Or even every date he pays. If old fashioned chivalry is your thing.

It is mine... therefore the men I date (or date again) are ones who like to pay

I don't think she is BU to prefer to go halves. But she should only date men who prefer this.

Just don't date each other's men, and you'll be fine

If someone asked me out and suggested a restaurant where I couldn't afford to pay my half I'd ask him to choose somewhere less expensive.

mummmy there have been threads on here in the past where posters have been very insistent that people wont date outside of their class so your scenario would be unlikely according to them.

Agree that the person who asked should at least attempt to pay the bill.
Personally, if I don't fancy or intend to see him again, I would not let him pay the full bill. If I fancy him, yes, it's nice. I'd read him wanting to split as him not really being into me.

I never paid for a date or spilt the bill in my life. Back in my day the men did the courting and paid for everything. Men back then were like the Bowerbird.

When the (straight) women on that First Dates programme on telly insist on paying half, it always makes them look they’re going to be hard work relationship-wise.

If you’re out on a non romantic date with your best friend and she wants to pay for lunch, you just let her, and next time, you pay. Why shouldn’t it be the same when it’s a romantic date with a man?

Deep down, most women probably want a man to pay on the first date, because if it combines well with the rest of his gravity of character during the course fo the evening, it suggests he is generous, considerate, polite, respectful. All the things his Mum taught him to be towards women.

But on an Internet forum, this sort of post will only attract replies from women who take the independent feminist stance, so most replies will be affronted.

Originally a man paid for a date because it represented graciousness and courtesy. Those are still viable qualities today. I’d take that over a date haggling with me to split bills.

Whoever asked who, should pay. Although I should say, calculating costs would be offputting for me and I wouldn’t go on a second date. If he’s unwilling to pay for a date he asked you out on, imagine how tight he could possibly be in a relationship

My first date with DH was over 30 years ago. The man paying was an old fashioned attitude even then. He asked me out and we went to one bar, then another one and ended up in one near my home. He paid for the drinks in the first two bars despite my protestations and I had to insist that I would only have the third drink if he let me pay. I was quite surprised he was so old fashioned.

At that time we both earned similar amounts but as our lives together progressed his career and earnings overtook mine and I ended up a SAHM and now I am a SAH wife but despite him earning all our income our relationship is very equal and I am sure that is partly because I made it clear from that very first date that I was not a freeloader and would always contribute my 'share'. Back then it was financial, now it is practical and supportive.

If he invited you to dinner he should have paid. End of.

Hello Daily Mail!

@xkatie27x it's certainly up their street. Have they not bothered with journalism and gone for the copy and paste today then? Bless

I would expect him to pay but I wouldn't actually let him do it. I like paying my own way but the offer, to me, would show manners and give me a view of how he thinks.

I'm contrary by nature though and was brought up by my grandmother and uncles. So I expect the "sexist" doors being held open etc (although I expect it from male or female as it's rude not to) but I'd also do the same for others.

Agree with whoever said that it's worth examining why you can't explain that you felt it was a 'passion-killer' when you declare yourself to be a feminist.

At the very least, relationships are easier when you don't go around expecting the other person to do certain things for reasons you can't actually explain yourself.

Yabu. I paid for mine and dh's first date . I wanted to. Don't even expect someone else to pay for you.

Fuckety, yes spot on.
Lower than a snake's belly journalism.
Print that if you will daily fail.

Bowerbird?

Sounds hideous.

YANBU

Well personally I prefer it where everyone fights to pay the bill, whether it be a date or a couple of friends.

Well personally I prefer it where everyone fights to pay the bill, whether it be a date or a couple of friends.

Yes, this!! ^^

It's more about a general spirit of generosity, than one sex paying for the other, per se.

I suppose if you do OLD and go on a lot of first dates, it's completely reasonable to expect to split the bill.

I can't imagine DH trying to split the bill on our first date. I obviously offered, but he wouldn't hear of it. But then again he fights with his Dad, his brothers, his friends, whoever - to be the one to pay. And that is a much more attractive trait.

It's irrelevant that he's male. It's not 1952 and you're not a little woman!

However I do think it's not U to think that someone who asked you out should pay. If there's a second date, the invitee can pay then.

Of course the internet has thrown all this in the air, because it's not a real asking out. Therefore if it's an online date, I would expect to split it.

I would expect to split the bill, but find it rude when people start calculating the bill in general except when there is a very clear difference like one person had lots more alcohol.

Dh was in a better place financially than me on our first date. He chased me. He paid. I think circumstances have a big bearing on these things.

I always offer to pay half but yes the man goes up in my estimation if he says “no that’s fine I’ll get it” then I offer to pay next time. If you’ve had a nice evening and want to see each other again what’s the problem?

I hate all this insisting (to the point of arguing) on paying half from a woman, or women who have a door held open for them and rudely say “I can open my own door”. There’s feminism and there’s rudeness! Then they wonder where all the nice guys have gone 😒

I’d offer to pay it, but would respect the woman’s decision if they wanted to split. I certainly wouldn’t jump straight in to split and calculating what each person had and pays for is a big “no no”!

I think those people saying that they expect the man to pay for the first date but ‘can’t explain why’ or say ‘that’s just the way it is’ or who try to pin it on some vague notion such as ‘gravity’ or ‘graciousness’ need to be a bit more honest with themselves.

It is very obviously because ‘deep down’ you believe that men and women are not equal. That the natural order of things is for the man to be the provider and the woman provided for.

If a man asks for, or expects, equality on the first date by the simple (and fair) act of splitting the bill, on some level, you interpret this as him not being a good provider and it unsettles you.

This would be an entirely rational response in the past, when women were very much dependent on a man being able to look after them materially whilst they bore the children.

You wanting him to pay on the first date is about him demonstrating that he understands his ‘real’ role. Even if you pay or split the bill on subsequent dates, he will have done his bit to reassure you that he is willing to take the lead financially and you and any future children would not starve.

Of course this isn’t literally what goes through either of your minds in the moment but it is the subconscious reasoning behind the expectation that a true gent pays for the first date.

If you took a moment to think critically, you may see that your knee jerk response to this is less reasonable in a modern context where women (thank god) no longer have to be rely on a man for material survival. Instead we can focus on much more interesting and meaningful traits.

In summary, YABU and your friend is right to be gobsmacked at your lack of insight.