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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should pay on first date???

845 replies

namechangerforthis123 · 14/05/2018 23:31

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

OP posts:
siwel123 · 20/05/2018 23:41

I'm for equality.
I failed to realise how serious her condition was as many if the above posters stated she could just take a paracetomal.
I thought it was bad she was stating he didn't help her and abandoned her when he took their son out for the day.

siwel123 · 20/05/2018 23:48

I do find it a bit creepy you go through another thread, see I post and then comment on this thread about it Grin

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 00:52

siwel123

I do find it a bit creepy you go through another thread, see I post and then comment on this thread about it grin

I agree I find that odd myself.

HelenaDove · 21/05/2018 01:07

Ahhh bless You actually think i was looking for you Nope i was reading another thread when i basically saw you tell a woman in extreme pain to just suck up the fact that her DH needed a break.

I thought it was at complete odds with your claims to be all for equality on this thread and felt i couldnt keep quiet about it especially when many women on this thread have pointed out why things arent equal.

HelenaDove · 21/05/2018 01:21

OP of the other thread does 95% of the childcare + cant walk because shes in so much pain.

OnTheList · 21/05/2018 01:24

Should be split IMO.

However

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each!

That would annoy me a bit. Just divide the bill in two, don't be working out to the penny or whatever Grin

OnTheList · 21/05/2018 01:33

For the record, he did not whip out his calculator, he could divide by two (hooray!)

OK yeah, I should have RTFT. Half asleep. That wouldn't bother me.

Though I can also see where those saying whoever did the asking does the paying on a first date are coming from.

I would still offer half though. The only times I have let a guy talk me out of paying my half, they acted like they had bought my fucking body for the night and got ever so huffy when I said no. So fuck that.

siwel123 · 21/05/2018 08:10

@HelenaDive. Never said you did go look for me. Said I found it creepy that when you saw my post you felt compelled to bring it up in another thread.

Read all the comments above mine, it shows many people doing the same, and all of them said the same thing. I admit I was ifronant in the fact how bad her condition was and she posted her update at the same time I was posting mine.
Anyways think we should stop talking about this on this thread seems as this is who pays for the first date not, what has siwel123, said on another post

Original poster
namechangerforthis123 · 21/05/2018 19:17

@siwel123 I don't think it's that odd of @HelenaDove, she read it, made a link & posted here. Pretty simples to me!

@HelenaDive. Never said you did go look for me. Said I found it creepy that when you saw my post you felt compelled to bring it up in another thread.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 21/05/2018 19:43

Well as i mentioned very early in the thread you dont see as many men willing to go halves on childcare as go halves on dates.

siwel then insists hes all for equality and then goes and posts on another thread (where a woman does 95% of the childcare AND is in pain) that her DH needs a break and also accused her of moaning that her DH does no childcare when its obvs he does 5%

So of course its related after his insistence hes all for equality on here.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 19:50

HelenaDove I could see his point too. The op said her partner never goes out (I’m assuming he works) and yes she is in pain but the whole “if he loves me” was weird and the man may need some downtime. Living with someone (and kids being involved) with a disability is hard on everyone whether people want to admit it or not. If he never goes out and he works, what down time is he getting? The op should have kept the nanny regardless of whether he stayed home or not, they could both probably do with some rest it just so happens that one is in pain along with it.

Besides, his comment was before more information was revealed. As proven by the other thread, not everyone has the same levels of pain so cannot fully relate if they haven’t experienced it.

HelenaDove · 21/05/2018 19:53

NO Quack His comment was AFTER she revealed she does 95% of the childcare which is at odds with what hes posted on this thread.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 19:57

Ok, fair enough. I was mistaken then.

siwel123 · 21/05/2018 20:26

Like I said I posted the same time she did so missed the update. But hey

Pa1oma · 21/05/2018 20:48

No, I have never known a couple where there is equality in terms of mindset when it comes to the home and the kids - even when both work.
My husband is going on a week-long rock climbing holiday tomorrow. This is about his fourth hobby-based trip this year. I may have the hours of 9-3 free to myself Mon - Fri but I am invariably doing stuff for him or the kids in that time. I've had one night away (without DH) in 14 years. Even if I went away, I'd still have to leave a list of stuff that needs doing relating to the kids and make sure there was meals / food in. Anyway, he would order in probably. But do you think he's given a second's thought to what I'll be eating this week? No he has not. So this is the difference.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/05/2018 20:57

Pa1oma

So why don't you stop enabling him?

Pa1oma · 21/05/2018 21:12

I doubt it would make much difference Boney because by their mid- 40s, men are generally in a quite fixed mindset.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 21:15

Pa1oma So you’ve decided he can’t chnage? And you let him get on with it without questioning it and then bitch about it? Why not tell him how you feel? How is he meant to know if you seem ok with it all? I’m baffled.

Ruffian · 21/05/2018 21:21

pa1oma I thought you said this was the arrangement you wanted with your OH, your choice for him to be the manly provider and you to take on childcare/household responsibilities?

Original poster
namechangerforthis123 · 21/05/2018 21:26

@Pa1oma oh, my, god!!!

I've had one night away (without DH) in 14 years. Even if I went away, I'd still have to leave a list of stuff that needs doing relating to the kids and make sure there was meals / food in.

I just cannot comprehend this. I would find this unbearable. Do you not??

I say this kindly, but I must admit I think you could help change this. My ex was like this until we split up, then - amazingly - he had to start manning up and cooking, cleaning etc and he bloody did it....

Not saying it'd be easy for you in the short term, but...!

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/05/2018 21:41

Pa1oma

But you are in a fixed mindset as well. You won't know unless you say/do something to change it.

LucyEvans26 · 21/05/2018 21:47

I’m so sick of women! They kick off for equal rights but then want men to pay for dates! We can’t have it all!! Make up your mind, you can’t be an independent feminist and then want the man to pay the bill because he’s a man!

Pa1oma · 21/05/2018 21:55

I'm not saying it's right or wrong. He is not lazy at all overall and if he was I would feel very differently. There are things I don't need to do as well, that perhaps I would if things were "equal". What I meant was that there is often a very different mentality between men and women when DC come along and there isn't much point pretending otherwise.

Original poster
namechangerforthis123 · 21/05/2018 22:00

@LucyEvans26 RTFT!!! And don't me what I - or any other woman - can or cannot do!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangerforthis123 · 21/05/2018 22:01

@Pa1oma fair play I guess. As long as you're happy

OP posts:
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