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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he should pay on first date???

845 replies

namechangerforthis123 · 14/05/2018 23:31

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

OP posts:
biscuitraider · 15/05/2018 07:34

I'm with you op, yanbu. I'd find it a huge turn off tbh. But then i'm old school. I've been married for years but i remember how when i met my dh it was him that'd pay, I just wouldn't have fancied him if he'd started working out how much everything cost.

That programme "First Dates", sometimes shows the man working out the cost of the first date.....always awkward, and usually a turn off for the woman.

Collaborate · 15/05/2018 07:35

It's a bit old fashioned. I thought we'd moved on from that. There are plenty of things people used to expect on a first date, and not all of them pleasant.

Quickerthanavicar · 15/05/2018 07:47

Are you planning to invite him in for cough coffee? cough.
If not the money you save on waxing should cover your half.

If you expect him to pay because you are inviting him in for cough coffee? cough Then that's a different contract and you probably need to stand infront fo the statue of Emmeline Pankhurst for a few hours.

Mrsbird311 · 15/05/2018 07:51

If he asked you out he should pay, even if you’d offered he should refuse and pay it all!! It shows he has bad manners and bad etiquette which is neither romantic or sexy!!
Once your dating it’s right to take in turns but 1st date? The person asking pays!!!
There wouldn’t be a second date!!!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/05/2018 07:53

I would go dutch, pay your own way, why does he have to pay. I would rather he not, as he might expect something in return.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/05/2018 07:58

I am a feminist and I don't see that as being incompatible with expecting the person who did the inviting and persuing to pay for dinner. I don't think that person should pay for everything - to even it up a bit, the other person should buy some drinks or the snacks at the cinema. That is a way of sharing without the more obvious splitting the bill in a restaurant.

A person who calculates 50/50 to the penny is telling you they are not a generous person. They are indicating that they are the sort of people who will keep scores of everything in a relationship. To me that is offputting.
The above poster was probably right in saying we find a man not offering to pay unattractive because it indicates inability to provide, but if we are hardwired to find certain things attractive or unattractive, the OP cannot be blamed or accused of not being a feminist for feeling as she does.
Everyone has a right to decide what is sexually appealing to them and if generosity of spirit is important to the OP, no one can say she is wrong.

SalsaLala · 15/05/2018 07:58

When I was dating I always offered to pay half but was always quite impressed when the guy paid. I felt it always showed that they were interested and trying to impress me. It wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker to pay half, but I did always appreciate it (and made sure to get a few rounds of drinks in) when dinner was bought for me.

Wellthisunexpected · 15/05/2018 08:01

YABU! Just go Dutch. No calculating though, unless you had loads more than him.

PaintedHorizons · 15/05/2018 08:01

FFS grow up. No way should a guy pay. And what do you offer in return?? Your sparkling compnay? Sex? Housework?

I treat people fairly - man or woman

PaintedHorizons · 15/05/2018 08:03

Quicker - spot on

expatinscotland · 15/05/2018 08:09

I only split bills or go 50/50 with friends, not total strangers. I'm not there to subsidise their starter, expensive main, alcohol and pudding when I've had only a main and sparkling water. I pay my way plus tip.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/05/2018 08:11

Yes go halves, if he is doing calculating, that is a huge no!

trojanpony · 15/05/2018 08:12

As someone who did a lot of dating until recently YANBU

Paying on a first date is a gesture, it’s not about being a freeloader or prostitute cough coffee Hmm

Standard online dating practice in london amongst my male and female friends is pretty much as as follows
On first date:
if you like them...you offer to pay half half.
if they let you, they aren’t keen and if they like you they insist on paying (and you let them)

If you don’t like them...you offer to pay half and you insist. (If they picked somewhere stupidly expensive I generally wrapped the date up quickly ie after two drinks max)

All subsequent dates are then either turn taking or split the bill.

if a date wanted to tally up how much each person spent to the penny there would be no second date for me no matter what other redeeming qualities he had Grin
but it’s horses for courses...I’m sure there is someone somewhere who finds that irresistible Confused

expatinscotland · 15/05/2018 08:12

'Yes go halves, if he is doing calculating, that is a huge no!'

What if she ate/drank a lot more than he has. Why should he subsidise all that?

Opalfroot · 15/05/2018 08:14

I'm a lesbian so 'guy paying on first date doesn't work.

My rule is whoever asked the person out should pay the bill. I asked my current GF out so I paid for our meal on first date.
However I would be equally happy to split if the other peraon didn't share that line of thought.

MistyMeena · 15/05/2018 08:18

I agree with you OP and nothing to do with man paying for woman. More to do with who asked who.

I would expect the asker to pay. Askee should offer to pay next time. Calculating to the last penny would put me off too.

Metoodear · 15/05/2018 08:19

Would t be getting a second date I’d didn’t

Aeroflotgirl · 15/05/2018 08:21

That's a point, you don't want to be subbing them, and they don't want to be subbing you.

larrygrylls · 15/05/2018 08:21

Expat,

I rately even split bill with friends. We either take turns or someone just offers to pay.

If someone orders lobster followed by filet mignon and insists on a glass of Krug before the meal, you don’t invite them out again. Mostly, though, it works out reasonably.

Counting and apportioning makes a meal out a business transaction, not a treat.

Samantha77hat · 15/05/2018 08:25

You’ve got to feel sorry for the guy in this situation really. Replies on this thread range from violent ‘he’s a tight arsenic he doesn’t pay’ to ‘id feel uncomfortable if he pays’, how the hell is the guy supposed to negotiate this mine field.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 15/05/2018 08:28

He definitely should have paid. He asked you out and also chose the place. What if he had chosen a place not within your means? He would have embarrassed you.

Faultymain5 · 15/05/2018 08:29

@applesandpears56 it’s whoever did the asking outThis is because the person asking out chooses whether to go somewhere expensive or not

Last time I went out on a date was in the 90s so my thoughts are a little dated. But here goes.

If you ask someone on a date and they accept, you then ask where they fancy going, maybe giving suggestions. Where you go is based on that discussion between you, therefore based on that the bill should be split.

If someone asks me out and expects to decide stuff for me without my input, that relationship won't last long unless you like that in a partner. I don't.

dadshere · 15/05/2018 08:30

I would have offered to pay half. It is nice to be treated, but expecting him to pay based solely on the fact that he is a man is just wrong. Welcome to 2018, the weather is fine and we do equality here.

Bjhsum · 15/05/2018 08:31

Expecting any male to pay 1st, 2nd or anytime IMO is a derogatory expectant that grossly offends everything that all of those excellent ladies have fought for from the political vote to equality and fair treatment and non prejudicial situations.
My eldest sister was in the 60's a massive supporter of women's lib n women's independence n tbh I think those free thinking ladies would be mortified to think that it should be expected that a man should pay for the 'whatever' on any date. Women have fought long and hard and probably will continue to do to break the shackles from being treated as the little lady who stands in the shadow of any man. In a rationalist perspective it has nothing to do with manners or expectations simply the sampled 1st date scenario all ladies n all gents should either volunteer to foot the bill or quite simply go 50/50.
Ok that's me of my high horse, I need to get the dishes, cleaning n washing done before I drag my pitiful ass down to Lidl to get items for T Hmm

expatinscotland · 15/05/2018 08:31

'Counting and apportioning makes a meal out a business transaction, not a treat.''

Well, larry, I could never afford to subsidise a stranger's huge meal and booze so if I went on a date where the person had substantially more than me I was still in no position to pay for half of that and chalk it up to experience.

With friends again, don't really hang out with people who can afford to pay for each other all in one go so bill split but again, can't afford to pay for half if someone's drunk the place dry and cleared out the kitchen of food and just not go out with them again.

Luckily they are nice people who don't mind bill splitting.

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