To think he should pay on first date???

[namechangerforthis123]

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

"@Furano stop twisting Pa1oma's words. There's a lot of that been happening on this thread! That - and gaslighting! Just because someone is losing the argument, they make stuff up!"

Hell yeah!!!!!!!

One of our dates was saveloy and chips on the beach.

Christ ive just realised...........that was 26 years ago this week.

Saveloy!!

I've met people who never want to work or have a career and want to be taken care of for a number of different reasons. Just because you disapprove, does not mean that the wish is invalid

I don't think people are claiming that wish is 'invalid', its just a rather depressing goal in life. I have met those sort of people too, and yes I do think less of them, to me it shows a total lack of independence, self reliance and to put it bluntly outright laziness. As I mentioned several pages back there are men out there who would entertain such an arrangement but lets not pretend that such a relationship is one of equals. What is that term often used on here to describe a freeloading work shy man? Cocklodger?

I don’t see why it’s a depressing goal. Most of them don’t deserve the disdain you reserve for them. They prioritize other things in life. Doesn’t necessarily imply inequality in their relationship.

If you don’t want to pay the full amount, you don’t have to. I’ve never done it, simply because it doesn’t make sense to me. On a first date, you can hardly expect a knight on a horse to rescue the princess in you. You hardly know the other person. It’s a random woman/man you (hopefully) find physically attractive and that you want to learn more about. After a while, when you both decide you like each other enough, then you can start paying. The financial ‘pain’ is self-inflicted; see it as a compatibility test.

You hardly know the other person. It’s a random woman/man you (hopefully) find physically attractive and that you want to learn more about. After a while, when you both decide you like each other enough, then you can start paying

Presumably you only go on free dates until somebody decides to start paying?

name i havent had a saveloy since the 90s That is NOT a euphemism btw

‘Many women like men who can show they can take the lead (maybe we are hard wired for this) and a whole range of what we associate as being masculine attributes which is why we bother with the opposite sex in the first place.’

THIS. It’s sexy when the man pays. Doesn’t matter if it’s a cheap coffee or fish and chips or the ingredients for our picnic in the park— it’s just really so attractive and I agree it’s a courtship ritual; things will even out later on.

Another massive vote for this:

Many women like men who can show they can take the lead (maybe we are hard wired for this) and a whole range of what we associate as being masculine attributes which is why we bother with the opposite sex in the first place.

I’ve seen on this thread a few times people saying that women “run off to the bathroom” at the end of the evening hoping the man will pay.

I just want to say, yes I do go to the bathroom at the end of the evening as invariably I am taking the tube home and there are no toilets on the tube or at most of the underground stations and I don’t want to pee myself on the way home!

I used to always be firmly of the opinion it's split evenly and that's it. I still don't think either party should 'have' to pay for a first date.

That being said, when I was first dating DP he insisted on paying and after a string of guys who counted every penny and split everything evenly it was a bit of a turn on him insisting on paying, not remotely sure why?!

Not sure would split the bill or even offer to pay! But someone who goes through a bill v off putting. Do you like him??? Seems like you're not sure. In my 50s so don't really know dating etiquette anymore.

What an utterly depressing thread. There was I thinking it was 2018. If I asked someone if they fancied going for a meal, i'd be mortified if they expected me to pay! So if someone invited me out i'd always immediately offer half. I'd never work it out item by item though. That's weird. And i'd never want anyone to think of me as their princess. That whole idea makes me want to vomit.

Absolutely it's the chivalrous and gentlemanly thing to do, and it makes a great first impression. I would never go on a second date if he didn't pay for the first how offputting.

hela would you offer to pay, as the gentlewomanly thing to do, to make a good first impression?

Oh the snakes are dated. Ohmydays

I literally feel sick. Yuck

Sated!

Presumably you only go on free dates until somebody decides to start paying?

No, just pay half no problem. Just the usual stuff; rock climbing, restaurant, movie, drinks, museum, etc… It’s not about the money. A reasonably priced activity that everyone can afford. Never had any problems.

I think actually making sure you date people you like and have things in common with and feel are at your “level” is the trick here.

I think when I’ve seen men and women get jaded/angry/bitter over paying/sex etc it’s often because they seem to be too focussed on desperately going on date after date after date? So just doing the “scatter gun” approach and expecting instant happiness and getting resentful when it doesn’t work out.

Realistically, after university years, I think meeting one person a year you think “yeah” about and is kind of normal.

So the focus is on making a good connection and payment for either party isn’t going to break the bank.

YY Stripe most people doing OLD seem to have developed a sweetshop mentality.

Storm4star

There is nothing wrong with going to the bathroom if you actually need to go to the bathroom! It’s the women who meticulously time their visit for when the bill arrives and expecting the bill fairies to conveniently make it disappear before their return.

StripesandMars

I agree, it’s daft to go on multiple dates with random people you have no connection with, that’s just a waste of everyone’s time but it’s often a common mistake when first starting out with OLD. Most people develop strategies and fine tune their radars so they can weed out the fruitcakes and time wasters.

I still find it hard to believe (as demonstrated on this page) that if someone had a stupendously enjoyable first date that ticked all the boxes in terms of chemistry, compatibility, shared values, humour, etc they would throw the towel in at the prospect of going Dutch on a few drinks or lunch!

Another question for the ‘expect the man to pay crowd’, do you apply that stance to just traditional dating (i.e. he asks you out) or to online dating too?

Pan - I never did online dating and to be honest I'm glad it didn't exist "at the turn of the century"
I think I would be really on guard if meeting a man if the only previous contact was via an online profile. I would probably have a clear exit strategy in my head and yes, expect to pay for myself because you have no idea how it's going to pan out with a total stranger.
Pre- online dating you had at least met the man before and he'd asked you out (probably) so that was different and far less speculative.

Pa1oma

With OLD I had a policy of always speaking to a prospective date on the phone first and that went some way to determining if they were vaguely normal or not!

"Bill fairies" 😂