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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH left kids alone at night

201 replies

nottakenpersonally · 14/05/2018 22:33

AIBU? I came home from work to find kids asleep, and no sign of my DH.

He came back 15mins later claims he was at neighbours. Has been 'popping back' to check on them.

I am not impressed. He thinks it's 'borderline' but did it anyway. Apparently oldest DD was awake and aware of where he was, when he went.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 18:07

myfriendbob

Yes, obviously: because I wouldn't leave a 3 year old alone, my perception of risk is...whatever that word is. Hmm

Fires can happen even in homes where the owner thinks they have taken precautions. Here is a clue, since you seem to lack one - one key precaution is not leaving your kids and going out.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 18:12

In my previous house I heard next doors smoke alarm going off from my lounge. It was an elderly man that had set his grill on fire. I went round to check on him and help put it out as did the neighbour in his other side. So it isn't bollocks that the DH would have heard a smoke alarm going off.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 18:15

GreatDuckCookery

When chatting, from the garage or wherever he was? It might well be. Anyway, he didn't hear his wife getting in so I think we're on reasonable ground to say he wasn't keeping an ear out.

This is getting ridiculous anyway. You think it's fine, I don't. Leave it there.

myfriendbob · 15/05/2018 18:19

Here is a clue, since you seem to lack one - one key precaution is not leaving your kids and going out

heres another, being a couple of metres away next door is not "going out".

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 18:41

It really is, myfriendbob. You're not on your property, so you've 'gone out'. It isn't rocket science.

myfriendbob · 15/05/2018 19:18

You're right it isn't , which is why its so bad that you don't get it.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 19:26

Right, okay.

mostdays · 15/05/2018 19:42

I'm very concerned for those those friends of pp who work in child protection and would categorically state that leaving young children alone in the house at night is definitely not neglect.

Parenting can be neglectful even when thresholds for s47 are not met. When I did my training, we were asked "what is 'good' parenting?" and counselled not to fall into the trap of thinking that unless thresholds for statutory intervention were met, parenting was by definition 'good'. Good enough to avoid social services intervention does not necessarily mean good.

Lizzie48 · 15/05/2018 19:45

I think the real issue is that the OP and her DH need to talk about this and agree on what's acceptable here. They shouldn't need the advice of strangers on MN. Neither DH nor I would even consider going into our NDN's house leaving our DDs asleep in the house, but then our DDs have attachment issues (they're adopted) and they would be very anxious if they woke up and there was no adult in the house.

It's not an issue for Children's Services, the OP and her DH simply need to talk about it.

samewitches · 15/05/2018 20:41

Mick Philpott was right there when the fire started, he still couldn't get in to rescue his children. He'd set up a ladder to do so and everything if I remember correctly. It's very very unlikely that a fire will start at any time, but not impossible. It's very very unlikely that an intruder will take your child from a random holiday let but it did (if you believe the official account). It's very very unlikely that a child will be snatched in front of their siblings (Sarah Payne), that a sign will fall on your head in high winds on the high street, that a child will choke to death on a grape, etc etc. Surely you just do everything you can to mitigate the risk. You could be asleep in the same house when a fire starts and be unable to get to them, but there is no blame there. You aren't responsible for the fact that HAD you been there you possibly could HAVE done something. I always see threads like this and wonder if there was a news article posted in another thread about children dying in a fire in these circumstances how many would pipe up and say 'but what was he to do? He was only next door' or whether the same posters, with the benefit of hindsight would condemn him?

samewitches · 15/05/2018 20:51

Oh dear, I read that back and it could be construed as my saying that Sarah Payne's parents took a risk. I'm absolutely not, I was likening it to the sign falling in your head. You can't have ever known it was going to happen, can't stop walking down the street or letting your kids out but saying it isn't going to happen because it's a very, very unlikely scenario doesn't mean it can't and is therefore impossible. Sorry for that, it came out wrong.

MaryShelley1818 · 15/05/2018 21:53

Why on earth would I lie about where I work?!
Are people really that stupid on here.
I was actually part of a FB group through the conception boards on here and there are at least 80 MN members who could look at my FB and can confirm that I actually do work for CS. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t have said I did but it was completely relevant to the discussion.
We cover emergency duty on a rota and if a report came in that a 3yr old was being left home alone then yes, without a doubt a home visit would take place - that’s what we do on duty.
Would we complete a full assessment? For an isolated incident, probably not.
Would the children be placed on the CP register under the category of neglect? Definitely not!
BUT is leaving a 3yr old home alone ‘neglectful’ - of course it is.
Hopefully a discussion around safety would be enough that it didn’t happen again.
No idea what would happen in other Local Authorities but that’s the exact process in ours.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 22:07

Surely you would be able to comprehend that a parent being next door and popping back to check regularly and an older child knowing where said parent is, is not remotely the same as a child being left in the house alone because their parent has gone out and locked them in the house on their own?

Pengggwn · 16/05/2018 07:11

is not remotely the same as a child being left in the house alone because their parent has gone out and locked them in the house on their own?

Were the children alone? Yes - carer was in a different house.

Had the carer gone out? Yes. He was in a different house.

Were the children locked in the house? I do hope so.

Lizzie48 · 16/05/2018 07:23

My parents did very similar to this when I was a small child (4 years old). My F was taking my brother to school, but the car wouldn't start. DM helped push the car down the road. She was only out of the house for a few minutes. I panicked at being alone and ran out of the house looking for them. But I ran in the wrong direction and got lost.

The children were asleep in the OP's case, true. But if the 3 year old were to wake up, they would be very scared not to know where dad is.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/05/2018 07:35

Come on Peng you're not really that daft. You know there is a difference between a child being left in their house asleep with an older sibling while their parent is next door and regularly checks on them to a young child being locked in a house, still awake while their parent is out clubbing all night.

Thought you'd have enough of me too Wink

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/05/2018 07:37

Lizzie the older child was still awake when her dad went next door, so had the younger child woke up she would have told her where Dad was.

Lizzie48 · 16/05/2018 07:43

That's too much responsibility for an 8 year old IMO. They might not be able to reassure a distressed younger sibling. There's actually a very good chance the 3 year old would have tried to go next door to dad (that's what my DDs would do even at 9 and 6) so I really hope the door was locked.

Lizzie48 · 16/05/2018 07:51

My DDs are adopted, so it's not really a very good comparison. But a 3 year old trying to get to daddy is extremely likely. Altogether I can definitely understand why the OP wasn't happy about it.

Pengggwn · 16/05/2018 07:57

GreatDuckCookery

Yes, well, I get that there is a difference, just not enough of one.

MiggeldyHiggins · 16/05/2018 09:45

We cover emergency duty on a rota and if a report came in that a 3yr old was being left home alone then yes, without a doubt a home visit would take place - that’s what we do on duty

3yr old was not left home alone though, so I doubt you would.

mostdays · 17/05/2018 09:10

3 year old was left with an 8 year old who cannot be expected to assume responsibility for their younger sibling so yes, EDT would make a home visit.

MiggeldyHiggins · 17/05/2018 12:44

No they wouldn't because Dad was just yards away and so they were not "home alone"

Lizzie48 · 17/05/2018 12:51

At the end of the day, we're talking about a difference of opinion between the mum and dad. The only way to deal with this is to talk to each other; it doesn't really matter what strangers on an Internet forum think. On this occasion, no harm was done, so you just need to agree between yourselves what's acceptable in the future.

brieislife · 17/05/2018 13:35

We can hear next door but one's smoke alarm when we have all our doors and windows closed. So is it bollocks bollocks that he would have heard it from next door's garage.

The situation in general isn't absolutely ideal but in no way is it neglect or even close to requiring social services involvement.

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