Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH left kids alone at night

201 replies

nottakenpersonally · 14/05/2018 22:33

AIBU? I came home from work to find kids asleep, and no sign of my DH.

He came back 15mins later claims he was at neighbours. Has been 'popping back' to check on them.

I am not impressed. He thinks it's 'borderline' but did it anyway. Apparently oldest DD was awake and aware of where he was, when he went.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 14:32

myfriendbob

Their job is provide appropriate care of your child. Why wouldn't they be doing that from next door? Because it's not caring for the child. Bingo. That's why it isn't appropriate for a parent to do it.

Gonegirlfriday · 15/05/2018 14:33

Witchend. You’d have a hell of a greater chance of being woken by your child falling out of bed than hearing the same event when you are in someone else’s house. I would have thought that went without saying.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 15/05/2018 14:51

Or they could use this marvellous invention called ‘the telephone....’

Did he definitely have a mobile on him (apologies if I've missed that)? It would be fairly easy to leave it on the sofa or something if you popped your head out the door and then got chatting to a neighbour. Or have it on silent if you aren't expecting a call.

Regardless, being far enough away that it requires an 8 year old to telephone for help for a toddler if they need it, when you could just as easily be sitting chatting in your own house, just seems bizarre and irresponsible.

Is the house likely to burn down? No, probably not. But could the little one have a bad dream or fall out of bed, wake up hurt and confused, and be more upset because they can't find their parents? Yes, quite easily, and it isn't fair on the 8yo to have to deal with that when their dad could have been just downstairs having the exact same conversation he was having next door.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 14:51

Peng the 8 year old knew where her father was, the OP doesn't say this particular child had been upset being left which I'm sure she would have at some point on the thread.

At 8 I was walking two younger siblings home from school, letting us all in and making snacks.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 14:52

GreatDuckCookery

As a teacher I would be filling out concern form after concern form until someone did something about that. I know it used to be common, but it isn't now for good reason. It's neglect.

balsamicbarbara · 15/05/2018 14:58

It is neglect to not be monitoring your kids at all times. I stay up all night fighting arsonists and kidnappers and only sleep for a few hours while they're at school. It's just what a good parent does.. Grin

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 14:58

I'm sure you would now Peng. But this was 40 plus years ago when it was normal for children that age to go home and fend for themselves. My point is that at 8 years old to some degree you can look after yourself and younger siblings.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 15:00

GreatDuckCookery

And my point is no, you may be able to deal with some situations, but you are not a reliable carer at 8, and that is why the practice has died out. There are too many situations an 8 year old would struggle to deal with. So it doesn't really matter what used to happen; it shouldn't be happening now.

Oblomov18 · 15/05/2018 15:04

People have different views. Neglect is a grey area. What one person thinks is Neglect, others don't.
MN threads prove this.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 15:05

The child in this situation wasn't caring for her younger sister. She was asleep and being checked on by her father who was next door. There is no plausible reason to make a drama out of this whatsoever.

Oblomov18 · 15/05/2018 15:08

8 is probably Year 3. When Ds2 was in Year 3 he was very mature. Most of his friends weren't. Huge differences, broad spectrum of what 8 year olds can cope with. Huge difference if they have an older sibling.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 15:08

GreatDuckCookery

No one was caring for either of them.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 15:17

Their parent was next door and checking in them regularly so any very unlikely problems that might have occurred would have been dealt with.

You're making out he was half a mile away in the pub. Honestly quite ridiculous.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 15:21

GreatDuckCookery

No, I'm not. I am making out that, in the event of a fire, he would not have been present to attempt to save the children. 15 minutes is more than enough time for that to happen. I am making out that, in the event that the 3 year old got out of his/her room, he would not have been present to prevent her getting into the knife drawer. I am making out that, in the event of the 8 year old deciding to leave the house to come and get him and leaving the door open, he would not have been present to prevent the 3 year old walking out of the house.

It doesn't matter whether he was ten minutes away or one. He wasn't on hand, as you need to be for small children.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 15:30

In the event of a fire? Right, so why wouldn't he have heard, seen or smelt this fire NEXT DOOR? And as for the child going in the knife drawer! Did you miss the part where the OP said her DC don't wake up, just like they didn't last night.

Why do a large majority of MNetters think the house is at risk of bursting into flames the minute a parent is out of the house? There's no rationale behind it.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 15:36

GreatDuckCookery

There is every rationale behind it. The OP's children may not tend to wake up, they may not have done so in the past, but there is no reason to believe they won't. If they do, there is no one to supervise them. Children aren't robots. They do lots of unpredictable things, which is why we don't leave them alone.

Lizzie48 · 15/05/2018 15:38

I wouldn't like this at all, simply because of the oldest being only 8 and the youngest 3. If something were to happen (for example a fire), then that's far too much responsibility. Or if the 3 year old were to wake up needing the toilet they would want to know where mummy and daddy were. It wouldn't be fair if the 8 year old had to reassure the 3 year old or help them use the toilet.

It's not an SS issue or anything like that, but the OP isn't happy with it, and I think she's justified in feeling that way. Nothing happened this time, but you just never know.

Hideandgo · 15/05/2018 15:39

Knife drawer commentGrin

Sadsnake · 15/05/2018 15:41

Lazy parenting .not on .not acceptable.get a babysitter if he needs to go out

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 15:44

Hideand

Because you don't have one, or some other reason?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 15:45

Past history is a pretty useful too when you're a parent, surely you understand that Peng? If a child reliably stays asleep it's a pretty safe to bet that for the short while you're next door plus popping back to check that they will stay asleep. Which is exactly what happened.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 15:47

GreatDuckCookery

I'm not going to rely on that to save them from a house fire, no. That anybody would, baffles me.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 15:53

There wasn't a fire, no child went on a knife rampage, there wasn't a predator lurking in the bushes. All was well. Of course it was.

The children didn't even wake up!

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 15:54

*There wasn't a fire, no child went on a knife rampage, there wasn't a predator lurking in the bushes. All was well. Of course it was.

The children didn't even wake up!*

Which has precisely nothing to do with his decision-making at the point at which none of those outcomes had occurred. Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 15:57

He correctly risk assessed the situation.
Why isn't that enough for you? Just because you wouldn't leave your children to go next door doesn't mean he was neglectful.

Are your children very young?