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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH left kids alone at night

201 replies

nottakenpersonally · 14/05/2018 22:33

AIBU? I came home from work to find kids asleep, and no sign of my DH.

He came back 15mins later claims he was at neighbours. Has been 'popping back' to check on them.

I am not impressed. He thinks it's 'borderline' but did it anyway. Apparently oldest DD was awake and aware of where he was, when he went.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 15/05/2018 11:38

Had he left the door unlocked or locked up?
If he was in garden then fine but doesn't seem like that was the case so it's pretty irresponsible.

CalF123 · 15/05/2018 11:39

But the 3 year old wasn't alone as such- there was an older DC in the house and her DF was next door.

I think whether this is an issue really depends on how far away next door is. You could quite conceivably have a situation where 'next door' is actually physically closer to the DC than some parts of the garden/house, and no one would bat an eyelid at being in the attic for example, while the DC were asleep.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 11:41

CalF123P

I don't think it matters that there was an older child, unless you are suggesting that older child was babysitting, and I'm sure you're not.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 11:46

The 3 year old was asleep, he was checking on them and he was next door. Had the youngest woke up which was unlikely as the OP has said once asleep they stay that way, the 8 year old could have alerted her father no doubt.

This is nothing like the McCann situation and it's verging in hysteria to suggest it is.

Oldandfedup · 15/05/2018 11:46

All children are unsupervised when their parents are asleep.

CalF123 · 15/05/2018 11:47

I wouldn't describe it as 'babysitting' given that the DF was only next door for a few minutes, but I can certainly think of a situation where an 8 year old could be left at home alone.

Oblomov18 · 15/05/2018 11:48

Sorry Pengg, yes I kind of disagree with you and most of the others.

If a risk assessment was done, 2 dc sound asleep, the risks are not that severe.

Hideandgo · 15/05/2018 11:50

Depends a bit on the area but I think it’s fine and that you and he are the best judge of how relaxed you want to be on things like this. Only problem is if you’re not in agreement but it doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

dustarr73 · 15/05/2018 11:50

An 8 year old would be ok,but i wouldnt leave an 8 year old and a 3 year old alone.And im pretty lax.

It would make me more annoyed that he didnt actually hear you come back.That menas he couldnt hear the kids or see the hluse.

Looneytune253 · 15/05/2018 11:51

How close is close? I wouldn’t think twice about standing at the end of the garden talking to a neighbour or at the front door next door tbh. Depends how far I suppose. A few doors away not a chance with a 3 year old.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 11:56

Oblomov18

And sorry, but I think a lot of people on this site like to fling around 'risk assessment' like it is an actual thing, with paperwork - it's not. It's just a judgement call, but in this case, I think a social worker would have a lot to say about the specifics, and I think 99.9% of people would fire their nanny/childminder for doing this!

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 15/05/2018 11:56

An 8 year old should not be put in a position where they are required to care for a 3 year old. It isn't fair on either child. Imagine if something had happened, like the little one had fallen over and cracked their head. An 8 year old should not be in a position to have to handle that. Yes they could alert dad, either by screaming (waiting for him to return would feel like ages) or leaving the little one to go and find him. It would be devastating for them to deal with, and meanwhile the 3yo could be in increasing danger from the injury.

He evidently wasn't checking that frequently as he didn't cross paths with OP. He didn't think to check when Op arrived which suggests that either he couldn't hear, or wasn't listening properly. Both things are pretty concerning.

The dcs might normally stay asleep but it only takes one time for something to happen. An 8 yo who is aware of the situation and knows how best to get hold of him immediately (phone/shouting/run over etc) is one thing. But 3 is far, far too young to be left in a house without proper adult supervision.

CalF123 · 15/05/2018 12:00

@Belindas

I wouldn't really describe the 8 year old as 'caring' for the 3 year old in this situation. I think most people would quite happily hang out washing in the garden with two DC of that age in the house- strictly, the older one would be 'caring' but I don't think we would really see it that way. This could be a similar case depending on how far away next door is.

RachelTeeth · 15/05/2018 12:01

‘Too many identifying details’ 😄😄😄😄

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 12:01

Yes they could alert dad, either by screaming (waiting for him to return would feel like ages) or leaving the little one to go and find him. It would be devastating for them to deal with, and meanwhile the 3yo could be in increasing danger from the injury.

Really, we want more than screaming from the people we charge with the care of our three year olds, don't we?

You are absolutely right.

Oblomov18 · 15/05/2018 12:03

Pengg I meant a proper risk assessment. Done properly with paper and assessing hazards and risks. Not a MN type 'just an opinion'.

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 12:05

Oblomov18

You do that at home?

Oblomov18 · 15/05/2018 12:10

We all do to a minor scale. But no, not really, only teasing.

I do a minor risk assessment often when calculating things re my diabetes. When i explained to My Dh the 30 Oreo thoughts that go through my mind, in very quick succession, he said : you're practically doing a minor risk assessment!!

But no, I meant the rare ones I've had to review at my work. Tres boring!

Most of the ones Dh reviews, for a site with 3000 employees, at his work are 32 or 64 pages long.

Oblomov18 · 15/05/2018 12:12

Not 30 Oreos!
That would really send my blood sugars through the roof.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 15/05/2018 12:29

@CalF123

But if anything happened they would be the one caring for them in a practical sense, at least until dad got back.

Hanging out the washing - you're in your own garden, presumably with one ear open because if the kids are playing you might expect a bump/argument/explosion of mess. You're also going to be in and out pretty quickly.

Going next door for a chat about hobbies which I'd imagine is pretty involved given it had clearly been going on a while (if he's checking every 15 mins how many times had he checked?), when you either aren't paying attention (because you aren't expecting anything to happen, rightly or wrongly) or can't properly hear, is a different kettle of fish. So no, fair enough it's not the same as going out for the night and leaving an 8yo to babysit, but it's hardly the same as full supervision and seems like a bit of an unnecessary risk for a chat that could have potentially happened in the house.

@Pengggwn Perhaps advances yodelling abilities should be the minimum?

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 15/05/2018 13:16

I would be furious. He didn't hear you come back, he wasn't checking "every 15 mins" as we can see from the timeline in your OP, and it's very likely not the first time as I would think he's built up to these longer periods of leaving them from an initial quick chat with neighbour to a longer session.
He's playing fast n loose with your 2 most precious things, your kids. I would be having a VERY strong word. And yes why didn't he ask the neighbour to come over?? Do they have kids? Maybe they don't want to leave theirs but for your DH it's ok to leave yours?

HarmlessChap · 15/05/2018 13:27

On the face of it it sounds awful but I recall a couple of times we put the kids to bed when they were little while we had barbecues in the garden.

The honest truth is that we would be less likely to hear them if they woke when we were in the garden then than if I was in the neighbour's house.

MightyMucks · 15/05/2018 13:29

This is nothing like the McCanns. They left 3 toddlers in a building which they had several hundred yards walk to access and their ‘checks’ were in some cases just checking if they could be heard crying.

The 8 yo was awake and knew where he’d gone. If he was needed an 8 yo would be capable of ringing his mobile.

MightyMucks · 15/05/2018 13:31

Yes they could alert dad, either by screaming (waiting for him to return would feel like ages) or leaving the little one to go and find him

Or they could use this marvellous invention called ‘the telephone....’

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 13:46

The 8 yo was awake and knew where he’d gone. If he was needed an 8 yo would be capable of ringing his mobile.

I actually think this is worse. In this scenario, the 8 year knows it is night time, knows he is on his own, doesn't really understand how long dad is going to be or how many times he will be in and out. Totally unfair.

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