DH left kids alone at night

[nottakenpersonally]

AIBU? I came home from work to find kids asleep, and no sign of my DH.

He came back 15mins later claims he was at neighbours. Has been 'popping back' to check on them.

I am not impressed. He thinks it's 'borderline' but did it anyway. Apparently oldest DD was awake and aware of where he was, when he went.

I think a social worker would have a lot to say about the specifics

SW wouldn't be remotely interested.

myfriendbob

Well, clearly we are in disagreement. I think the younger child was at risk, if not both.

How were they any more at risk than if he had gone to bed? Or was in the garden? Or if they had a bigger house and he was further away than he was at the neighbours?
You have this vague notion of "risk" but are unable to articulate the specifics. There is a reason for that.

myfriendbob

Unable? No, I haven't done so. That isn't 'unable'. In this case, the DH was clearly not supervising. He didn't hear his wife come home. He was gone longer than he said. He didn't agree this strategy with his wife beforehand and it's doubtful he would have admitted to it if he hadn't been caught.

In bed - you'd hear if the three year old woke up, you would hear a smoke alarm, you would be IN the property to deal with any issues.

In the garden - well, I wouldn't sit out in my garden all evening without being able to hear my 3 year old either. I'd have windows open. Same with a big house. I wouldn't sit somewhere my toddler couldn't find me, where I couldn't hear them, then claim that the toddler was not at risk. Clearly, they were.

the 8 year knows it is night time, knows he is on his own, doesn't really understand how long dad is going to be or how many times he will be in and out. Totally unfair.

Oh come on. 8 year olds are perfectly capable of understanding their Dad is thirty seconds away and can be called if needed.

Absolutely no way. 8 is way too young and that is not even considering the 3 year old.
I would be having the sternest of words with my dh and it would never ever happen again for sure.

Btw I would be calling ss if our neighbours were stupid enough to do this. It is neglect

I don't think it's OK at all, but whenever these subjects come up on MN there are a host of people saying it's absolutely fine and asking "what in earth was likely to happen?" Its sad that people can't grasp that it's not the likelihood of something awful happening that means this is a problem so much as what the consequences could be if there was an issue and there was no adult around.

And I doubt very much that social services "wouldn't be remotely interested". The government suggests parents consult NSPCC guidance which is clear that "babies, toddlers and young children should never be left alone, even if it's just while you pop down the road" (italics mine). Whilst social services would be highly unlikely to take much in the way of action, neither would they think this was the wonderful, responsible, entirely appropriate parenting some pp appear to.

MightyMucks

Not how I feel about it, sorry. Not at night, not when there is a younger sibling in the house, not when they are potentially away for several hours and keep popping back and forth. Not a very nice way for an eight year old to spend an evening.

Link to NSPCC guidance here.

at all the pearl clutching. People are shocked that an eight year old is left at home for a bit? With a parent within a minute's reach? The three year old is asleep. No wonder children are so infantilised and incapable these days for goodness sake. EIGHT.

Its sad that people can't grasp that it's not the likelihood of something awful happening that means this is a problem so much as what the consequences could be if there was an issue and there was no adult around.

We can appreciate actually that something is very unlikely to happen AND the consequences of something happening, both at the same time.

This is not neglect, by any stretch of your over fevered imaginations.

NameChangedForThisQ

Okay, so your childminder tells you she (or he) has been leaving your eight year old alone while popping next door for fifteen minutes at a time, for a couple of hours. But coming back to check up. You're fine with that?

On the face of it it sounds awful

No. It really doesn't. It's two children asleep in bed while their dad is next door. The same dad that has been regularly checking on them.

Some of you are beyond ridiculous regarding what happened last night. Seriously get a grip.

You can complain as long as you don't ever both go to sleep at the same time, so there's always someone awake to hear when the three year old falls and bumps their head and has concussion.

I would have no issue from a safety perspective, no. I would be a bit in that their paid job is childcare so I would expect more interaction with the child than I would with a parent who is LIVING THEIR LIFE. If childminder had their own children and did this I would not bat an eyelid.

NameChangedForThisQ

I find that shocking, to be honest.

Okay, so your childminder tells you she (or he) has been leaving your eight year old alone while popping next door for fifteen minutes at a time, for a couple of hours. But coming back to check up. You're fine with that?

The child wouldn't be asleep in bed though. Not comparable in any way. Obviously nobody would be happy with their dc being left during the day but the children in question stay asleep once they're in bed.

Okay, so your childminder tells you she (or he) has been leaving your eight year old alone while popping next door for fifteen minutes at a time, for a couple of hours. But coming back to check up. You're fine with that?

What does that have to do with anything? As a parent I do endless things that I would not be ok with a child minder doing, same as any parent.
Very poor example.

GreatDuckCookery

Firstly, the 8 year old was awake. Secondly, children do wake up.

But let's say the 8 year old was asleep. You'd be fine with a night-time babysitter doing this?

myfriendbob

Why? In this instance, why wouldn't you be okay with a CM doing it?

Surprised you need to ask why, its fairly obvious. I pay a childminder to mind the children. They receive money for a job. As parents, we do all sorts of things that would be inappropriate for paid childcarers to do.

They wouldn't be doing the job I was paying them for, so I would not be ok with it. Surprised that needs spelling out

I think this is terrible and wouldn't dream of doing it. Sorry but is having a chat with your neighbour so important that you risk the safety of your kids? And yes it is a safety risk, anything could happen and it's unfair to the children.

@myfriendbob

This is not neglect, by any stretch of your over fevered imaginations.

Going by national guidance I'd have to disagree with you there.

What national guidance would that be?