Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
PistFump · 14/05/2018 11:14

I would probably keep crying if I was little and someone was hitting my bed and calling me names. Get her out of that situation because she can't do it for herself.

jaseyraex · 14/05/2018 11:18

Does he understand that this behaviour from him is wrong OP? I think that's the difference here. If he's angry at himself for how frustrated he's getting then there's hope, but if he's perfectly okay with swearing and hitting the cot then that would be a major issue.
Why doesn't he come and wake you up if his patience is wearing thin? I understand you sleeping through the noise, my husband is like that, but if I was ever struggling I would wake him up and tell him to have a turn at settling. Could you take turns, so you do a night of getting up then he does a night? But with the understanding that if either of you are struggling, especially to the point of anger, then you can go wake the other up for help? His behaviour is concerning but I'd look at ways of resolving it, if he's willing. If not, I'm afraid I'd be showing him the door. The frustration element of parenting will only get worse as the toddler stage hits.

annebancroftbag · 14/05/2018 11:18

Whattheactualfuckmate ahhh that must be it.Sad

Roomba · 14/05/2018 11:18

I'm sure in my worst moments I have sworn (quietly) in the presence my non sleeping child. And I have got cross unreasonably when nothing seems to be working to get him to sleep. But shouting 'at' him? And hitting the cot in particular, I would be very worried about tbh.

It's the equivalent of blokes who don't 'hit' their wives but punch the wall next to their head, put their fists through doors, or smash ornaments when enraged. No one would say that was alright, would they? At 13m this will already be affecting the brain development and emotional development of your baby.. It really has to stop immediately. You taking over 100% of the shitwork doesn't really solve the problem either, does it?

winner137 · 14/05/2018 11:22

I was that baby. At 18 months old I totally rejected my angry shouty mother (according to my extended family). My earliest memories are of disliking and being ashamed of my mother. At 5 i felt nothing but shame for having that mother.

Your daughters relationship with her father is already developing, she is aware of his anger which is setting the stage for their future relationship. Please protect her.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 14/05/2018 11:31

I'm so sorry to read this OP. Your poor little girl. Sleep deprived or not, depressed or not, your husband is damaging her.
Of course it has an impact on how you view him and your relationship - he can never undo those horrible things. If it was me, the relationship would be over.
When we had two kids under two DH and I realized we had to take turns and do every other night with the baby (she was bottle fed). Otherwise we wouldn't have been able to function. Yes we have both been borderline deranged with sleep depravation, and used bad language, but hitting the cot? Seriously, hitting the cot?!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/05/2018 11:33

Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration

WTF!?!? Why have you not removed your daughter from this dangerous situation!? Or booted him out. This is not acceptable.

Inbedbyeight · 14/05/2018 11:34

OP I really don't think moving the baby monitor to your side of the bed will make any difference and you seem to be ignoring PP's advice to sleep in the same room as the baby, are you hoping to absolve yourself of guilt by showing a half-hearted attempt to get up during the night, but really have no intention of getting up and sharing the burden with your husband? If I knew I had a habit of sleeping through my child crying and this resulted in my extremely sleep deprived and potentially unstable husband having to get up and subsequently shouting at the baby and hitting her cot, I would be camping in that bedroom all night and then I would be ordering my husband to get counselling in order to learn tools to cope with stress in a better manner

tigercub50 · 14/05/2018 11:51

Someone posted that OP is a teacher but how do they know? OP hasn’t mentioned what she does for a living.

Neato · 14/05/2018 11:53

This is a huge warning sign and you are taking note, OP. He needs to sort his behaviour out- not you, but it is a big problem. If he's behaving like this when she's effectively at the 'cute' stage- just fast forward and imagine what it will be like when she's really testing him- full on horrendous tantrums etc etc. If he can't control his behaviour now, without any intervention (anger management course, therapy) it WILL get worse, it will escalate and your child will suffer emotional damage.

Hope you have someone IRL to talk this through with.

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 14/05/2018 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sherazade · 14/05/2018 12:00

Why are you still sleeping and letting him see to her if he's hitting the cot and swearing at her ?

Whattheactualfuckmate · 14/05/2018 12:06

op while you decide where you are going with this I’d set up a bed in her room so you do hear her first.

NameChange30 · 14/05/2018 12:10

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore
Wonderful post, I admire your honestly and I’m sure it will be helpful to the OP. You have my sympathy and respect for your experience and seeking support to get through it. Flowers

@Luisa27
Gee thanks Grin

reetgood · 14/05/2018 12:20

I agree with @jaseyraex - does he recognise this is wrong, and is open to seeking support. I’ve sung ‘go the fuck to sleep’ very sweetly to a sleep fighting baby; sobbed please please please go the fuck to sleep at him; called him a silly baby; clamped him to my chest as I rocked him... He’s well loved and fine. If I ever find myself losing my temper I put him down and walk away, or I ask my partner to take over. Similarly, we had an occasion where my partner pretty much lost it. He never shouted or hit things, but after that we agreed that if he was struggling he asks me to take over. We try to have compassion for each other - my concern would be his minimising what h s doing and ability to accept help

WinnersClub · 14/05/2018 12:27

At 13months old, she will understand that he is frightening every time he comes in room, when she wakes up she'll be frightened when he starts yelling and calling her names. She may not understand what the words means, but she knows they are not the same as when mummy coos, 'i love you'. When he hits her cot that will make her scream more, probably hoping you will come.

I hardly ever participate in this type threads but this is just heart breaking. I honestly don't know how you've been sleeping through this.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 14/05/2018 12:46

At 13 months she has the capacity to feel fear.

Her father is frightening her, whether he is exhausted or not her daddy is scaring her on a regular basis. He is channeling his frustration in an aggressive way towards a defenceless 13 month old.

This requires more intervention than just stopping him from doing the night shift.

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 12:49

@AnotherEmma 👍

pegdolly · 14/05/2018 12:54

ethelfleda Just because I have never been a sleep deprived parent does not mean my view is not valid

Actually, yes it does. It's like me asking if people like the taste of red wine, and someone who has never touched a single drop of wine announcing that it's gross and only idiots like it.

frieda909 · 14/05/2018 13:43

speakout I think you’re like me. ‘Broken’ sleep is normal for me, I’ve always woken up a few times during the night ever since I was a kid. I just roll over and go back to sleep. I can happily stay in bed till midday just sleeping on and off if I feel so inclined.

I would always get really confused when people would come into school and say ‘ugh, it’s so annoying, I woke up at 5:30 this morning for no reason!’ because I didn’t understand why that was a problem or why they didn’t just go back to sleep.

It wasn’t until I lived in a house share at uni that I realised some people really do sleep right through the night and that going back to sleep after they’re woken up just isn’t an option. Not everyone is the same or has the same sleep requirements!

speakout · 14/05/2018 13:49

frieda- the whole idea of monophasic sleep is a Western thing.

Many cultures don't embrace it.
I read a book called Baby Wisdom by Deborah Jackson ( also wrote Three in a Bed) and she discusses the whole monophasic sleep obsession that we have in Western countries.
It totally changed my perspective on sleep patterns.

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 13:59

@speakout - gosh the whole monophasic sleep debate is so
interesting - just ordered a copy of Baby Wisdom, thanks for the heads up Smile

HappyLollipop · 14/05/2018 14:04

She's 13mo, that poor baby understands that her father shouts at her and makes her fearful no wonder she cries she's frightened Sad how can you stay with a man like that and let him continue to treat your little girl like that? I thought intially your DD was a few months old as those first few months are super hard and it can be tough to adjust but your husband has had over a year to deal with it and is still acting like a asshole. I'd take a break, tell him he needs some serious therapy and if you don't see a vast improvement then divorce him, his behaviour is unacceptable and disgusting.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 14:30

speakout
Just because you can adjust to biphasic and polyphasic sleep patterns, it doesn’t mean everyone can. Once I’m awake, I’m awake, I wish it were different. Chronic illness means I can’t just roll over and go back to sleep whatever time I awaken - after 2 hours even. And yes, I know we used to sleep biphasically pre extensive artificial light. The thing is I wouldn’t be alive then, I wouldn’t have made it past 1 yrs old.

Can you really not get your head round that?

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/05/2018 14:39

Thanks @AnotherEmma. It was a very hard time and it's not easy to talk about!

Swipe left for the next trending thread