To hate the way DH talks to the baby

[Keeyaw]

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

Monophasic sleep is a bit over rated imo.

Yes I was feeding my baby hourly. In a 24 hour period I had 9 hours sleep, plenty to function.

Obviously his behaviour is completely unacceptable. It needs to stop. But I don’t think he is necessarily abusive and I don’t think “LTB immediately!” is the answer (and anyone who recognises my username probably knows that I’m not shy about saying either of those things if I feel they’re appropriate).

To me, this sounds like a man at the end of his rope. He is sleep deprived and stressed and he’s not dealing with it. I think he needs to prioritise looking after himself and finding strategies to recognise when it’s all getting too much and step away so that he doesn’t lash out (whether verbally or hitting the cot or - God forbid - even worse).

I’ve suffered extreme sleep deprivation and frustration with an unhappy baby. I think I understand the dark place that his actions are coming from. It’s terrifying. And yes it needs to stop. But I’m not sure that some of the reactions on here are particularly helpful tbh.

OP, I have a few suggestions:

1. Do your share. Saying you don’t hear really isn’t good enough. If necessary, put a bed or mattress in the baby’s room and sleep there when you’re on duty. Your partner can use ear plugs (the silicone ones are good) and hopefully get a decent night’s sleep. You need to take it in turns but also recognise when one person really needs a break so the other does more.
2. Insist that he goes to the GP. If he is struggling with depression, anxiety and/or stress, he should take a proper anti depressant (not St John’s Wort which has not been tested in clinical trials) and take it EVERY DAY. He should also ask about a CBT as I think that might give him some helpful strategies for dealing with the frustration.

With those two things, hopefully things will improve, but you do need to have a zero tolerance approach to his behaviour, and while you can be understanding you must also step up to protect your baby from his frustration and rage. If things don’t improve you do need to seriously consider your boundaries in terms of where you are going to draw the line. If it continues or gets worse I think I would be insisting on an anger management and/or parenting course, or he leaves.

You could also talk to your health visitor as they may be able to support you or refer you to family support services. Of course they will refer to social services if they feel it’s nevessary. But I think social services would be offering support anyway and would be keeping an eye rather than whisking the baby away as some over-dramatic PPs are implying

I remember reading a thread on here when I was googling something for my sister, and a thread title related popped up (my sister was beating herself up because she had to leave the room of dnephew, she said she was scared because she felt so angry and had said ‘fucks sake’.)

It’s stick with me because the op sounded so defeated. She had a child with additional difficulties and the sleep deprivation sounded absolutely horrendous, like torture. She was also devasted because she had swore and got incredibly angry, though she had no desire to hurt or scare her child.

I can’t seem to find it now (not sure if it was deleted?) but it was really lovely to read lots of other posters comforting her, offering solutions and even linking a book that attempted to defuse the situation with humour (‘Go the Fuck to sleep’ it was called I think, I told my sister about it)

Obviously I don’t know whether op has a partner who is really struggling or is an abusive fuckwit the majority of the time, not really enough details to go on. (Also a nagging feeling that the sexes are being reversed for this op) but just wanted to point out that there may be extremely sleep deprived mums reading this thread and feeling very bad about themselves. From what I researched when trying to help my dsis, there are more than a fair few being ‘tortured’ every night but are trying their best. It seems to be quite a taboo subject that many are scared to discuss.

I don’t think anyone who hasn’t ‘been there’ can judge (unless it does cross into actual physical/verbal abuse).

I can’t wait to hear the answers on how to get by easily on broken sleep.

I’d be more worried about his tone, hitting the cot and refusal to hand her over than the precise words. At 13m though I expect she can understand. If you are the heavier sleeper you need to make physical changes so that he gets some sleep too. Ear plugs for him or maybe even staying elsewhere and you move to baby’s room or just outside her door.

If he thinks what he’s doing is ok, then I would want to separate. If he’s mortified and anxious to change, maybe there’s some hope.

I wouldn’t parent in a style that made me sleep deprived.

Surely it’s possible to parent in a way that protects sleep.

ah, the magical parenting technique that means a baby suffering multiple infections and in agony from her teeth (both pieces of information provided by the OP) just sits placidly in her cot so as not to inconvenience her parents

I took my babies into bed with me when they woke up. But if they were uncomfortable or in pain they still yelled their heads off.

Monophasic sleep is a bit over rated imo.

Yes I was feeding my baby hourly. In a 24 hour period I had 9 hours sleep, plenty to function.

For a whole year? After you were back at work? Don't you love it when people rtft?

Definitely not acceptable behaviour but I am shocked at the instant leave him comments.

I think he needs to access anger management. Some people cannot function well at night with minimal sleep and are more aggressive but actually very placid in day to day life.

I have a family member who is like this - easily the most easy going person but if woke abruptly is very aggravated. I'm not sure what the answer to this is.

But his language is obviously very unpleasant and the hitting the cot will scare the baby even more so he's biting his nose anyway.

Is it possible whilst he sorts out his issues that you either sleep in same room or have monitor next to your head so will wake up easier?

I don't expect he will lash out but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Last night I lost temper with 2.4 year old and said for goodness sake X go to sleep!!! That's bad but it's so easy to get frustrated.

even in my very worst sleep deprived state (which clearly I could have avoided if I were a better parent with a better parenting style) the worst I did was put the baby down, walk out and scream FUCK into a pillow. Many times I sat there rocking him going “go the fuck to sleep”. The violence is 1000% not on. I wouldn’t be letting this man anywhere near my child.

The worst I did, after however many nights of broken sleep, and however many times of wake up that night, was put my daughter down, still crying, and just leave. I needed sleep so I just went to sleep, exhausted and eventually, so did she. Felt awful about t, absolutely awful. Still dont know what else I could have done though.

Why does your partner go in to her op? I mean, I believe in always going to a baby who calls for you, I'm no advocate of cry it out. Is that what he thinks too? Or is it that the crying wakes him so he thinks he might as well go in? Because I cant see how him going to her and being like that is any less cruel than sit leaving her to cry. Not that either is ideal. I think you should go to her, or kip in with her, or bring her in eith you, while he sleeps in another room or even another house,for a week or two and really restores his sleep.
My dh is a very light sleeper and once woken can't get back to sleep easily. It's horrible for him. But shouting at her is not making things better for him, her or you and so why keep doing it?

I'd go with other people's suggestions of either moving your own bed into baby's room or moving cot in and letting dh sleep in spare room for a bit. There could be all sorts of things going on from controlling fucktwit to PTSD/other MH issues, the main thing is to keep things as calm and safe as you can.

Speakout- there aren't always ways to avoid sleep deprivation. Unless you're happy to share these techniques you have- I would seriously love to hear them, being a sleep deprived parent myself. Sleep deprivation is tough but it always hits me harder at night. I choose to co sleep part of the night so that my son and I get as much sleep as we can. Unfortunately some events can impact our ability to sleep soundly (particularly when alone - in my son's case). I was very ill when I had my baby and a few weeks later was back in hospital after having a very serious infection. My son also had health issues and whilst we've never been apart, we've stayed in hospital a lot. I do think this experience has affected my son's ability to sleep well.
Like you I am protective of sleep where possible but there are many many times where I have to allow myself to be sleep deprived so that I can give my son the care that he needs. I think it's unfair to suggest that there are ways to avoid sleep deprivation. You statement sounded like a sweeping one, perhaps you meant only in some circumstances.

Who ever said how will he deal with toddler tantrums has hit the nail on the head.

Our previously placid 2 year old has turned into the spawn of Satan and is pushing DH and I to the limits. We’re both patient people (booth worked on call centres for years prior to our current roles) and we’ve bothe been close to braking point and had to walk away recently.

Please think about your daughter, she wants love and comfort in the night when it’s dark and scary and all she’s getting is her daddy being cross with her. Poor thing must be so sad and scared when he comes in to her instead of you.

I have been a very, very sleep deprived mother with pnd and I have definitely behaved in a way that I couldn't believe I ever would. I never hit ds's cot exactly, but I do remember sitting next to his cot and slowly banging my head into the side of the cot. I remember sobbing at him to 'go the f*ck to sleep'. I remember repeatedly slapping myself in the face to keep myself awake. I remember refusing to let dh take over because I couldn't deal with the feeling of failure on top of all the other aspects of self-hatred I was feeling already.

Ds is now a beautiful, happy toddler because I got help. I knew that how I was behaving was awful and irrational and, although it didn't happen immediately, I got the help I needed.

Only OP can possibly know the full picture of what is going on. On the face of it, her dh's behaviour sounds deeply concerning and obviously steps need to be taken to protect the baby. But I'm posting, admitting far more of my own behaviour than I am really comfortable with, because sometimes good mums and dads struggle with their mental health and need (and, crucially, are prepared to accept) help, not for their partner to LTB.

Youaremysunshine2017 yes I get that about health problems/illness/teething. Sleep can be impacted then.

Unacceptable. I would send him to sleep on the sofa and stay in with baby for the near future. If he refused and kept insisting on going in I would be getting rid.

Sleep deprivation Is really hard but part of being a parent, they are not robots!

speakout

Why should I be quiet. Sleep deprivation is mostly avoidable- and is down to parenting styles

I wouldn't choose to go down that route

Man that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.

I don’t believe for one minute you have had babies and cared for them yourself every night with a job on top. Because if you had you wouldn’t be saying the things you are.

Sleep deprivation is horrible and we can all become different people when we're that exhausted.
Having said that, what he's doing is unacceptable and you know it.

When DS2 was a few weeks old, he had just woken for the 8th time that night, after several nights of waking 6-10 times. DP got there before me as I was struggling getting up after the first 6.
I woke up as DP picked him up quite angrily. It's hard to describe, he didn't hurt DS and he wasn't violent but it was his expression that shocked me the most. I sat up, made him hand over DS, and he just then realised what he did.
I told him if he ever acted that way again, I'd leave him and take the kids with me. He was gutted and I really believe it was just the interrupted (plus lack of) sleep that made him act that way. It hasn't happened since then.

Your baby is old enough to understand what your DH is doing, and it will be affecting her. You need to take control, you can't just hope it'll get better after some conversations.
Either get up in the night yourself and help your DH get his temper sorted, or leave him.

Your DH needs to control himself, and you need to be more assertive.

Speakout, I want you to write up your methods, and if we can test them on a small cohort, I promise I will get you the backing for a full service marketing plan and we will make millions.

Can you summarise your methods, taking into account :

Teething
Infections
Twins
A toddler
Colic
Milk intolerance

Sorry if that sounds flippant but it isn’t, I want to know where my parenting style has gone wrong, and left me so knackered. Please please share.

Hitting her cot? I’m sorry but this is not normal behaviour for a loving parent no matter how sleep deprived. Calling her a stupid baby and swearing at her is unacceptable whether she can understand it or not. Babies need to feel safe - do you think she feels safe around him?

I'd also love to know Speakouts methods.
My breastfed 8 mo currently wakes 4-5 times a night. My 4 yo also wakes up around 2am (thanks to noisy neighbours) and struggles to get back to sleep.
I'm also going back to university and placement full time soon.

Please help the millions of tired parents worldwide, you're clearly superior to us, what with your jet lag experience.

No. You must not tolerate this. Your baby needs to be protected. His behaviour makes me feel ill.

I would almost go so far as to say FIL is controlling, especially of MIL, it's uncomfortable to watch.

Just as it is very uncomfortable to read, here, of your aggressive DH frightening your baby and then refusing to give her to you and telling you to go back to bed when you get up too - and hearing you describe it away as just a little wee issue.

It's not. Your DH needs help and you need to not have a 'little chat' - you need to tell him that unless a. he gets help and b. stops being aggressive at the baby RIGHT now and c. keeps away during the night and NEVER refuses to step aside when you ask him to - then you are going to leave, and speak to social services about the situation.

Your child is already being damaged. She is over 1, she fully understands what it means when someone comes into her room growling, shouting, hissing anger and hitting her cot. She is going to grow up frightened of him, and it's very likely that he'll end up hitting her if he doesn't get help.

Stop minimising it.

It sounds absolutely disgusting, you need to take over the situation yourself and have a good chat with him about how to talk to baby.

speakout clearly lets them CIO

Just to say OP - I think the advice offered by @AnotherEmma is absolutely first rate. She’s talking a lot of sense - please listen to her x

She ALREADY UNDERSTAND HIM OP!

This.

Ah, so that's where I went wrong - I chose to go down the route I went down with DS2!

Baby 1 - BF, but got plenty sleep over a 24hr period so felt fine overall. Wondered wtf everyone else was doing with their babies to get no sleep at all...

Baby 2 - Reflux - would wake and scream - not cry - at 200dB whenever he was put flat. Even if he managed to doze off upright in my arms, or in a bouncy chair or car seat, he would burp, swallow loads of acid then wake after about 10 mins every time. Which then started the screaming again. Took an hour each time to calm him enough to get him back to sleep. No quick 5 min back to sleep like DS1! Never bought a baby monitor for him either - wasn't needed as the whole street woken every time he did...

Sleep when the baby sleeps, they said. He didn't sleep. He didn't nap during the day. He was the most exhausted miserable baby, but could not sleep due to the pain, discomfort and lack of ability to remain asleep for more than 20 mins at a time for 8 months+. He'd fight off sleep from waking at 7am to finally passing out in the evening - my HV said she'd never seen anything like it.

Even when the reflux improved, he was set up for being a light sleeper who woke at every noise (DS1 has famously slept through an earthquake, our house burning down, a massive armed police raid on next door, drunken banking and yelling in hotels... nothing ). He was 3 before he only woke me once in the night. 5 before he was regularly going all night without waking me up at some point most nights.

I've chosen to age my body and mind about 50 years in the last 5.5, huh? I'll remember that when I despair of my wrinkles and white hairs in the mirror next time.