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Original poster

To hate the way DH talks to the baby

293 replies

Keeyaw · 14/05/2018 02:37

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 09:04

Cross post there with Llama and WhiteCoyote. Grin

NotTheFordType · 14/05/2018 09:05

speakout you're fucking hilarious.

First your friend loses her children for 2 years because Social Services didn't like her saying "For fucks sake kids, go to sleep"

Then you compare sleep deprivation to jet lag

Then you boast that if you decided to pop out a child one day, you would not get sleep deprivation due to your superior "parenting style"

😂😂😂😂😂

bbqseason · 14/05/2018 09:05

Speakout what a load of rubbish. What parenting style would you choose then that wouldn't cause you to be sleep deprived? Honestly, if you haven't had a baby you can't imagine what it's like to be so exhausted and frustrated when your baby won't settle. It is like torture. I knew being a parent would be tiring but had no idea how relentless and exhausting it would be until I actually lived it myself.

speakout · 14/05/2018 09:06

I am fiercely protective of my sleep.
I wouldn't want to parent while sleep deprived.
Surely it's possible to parent in a way that protects sleep.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 09:07

Surely it’s possible to parent in a way that protects sleep.. Yeh you get a couple of nanny’s and a wet nurse if you want them breastfed.

speakout · 14/05/2018 09:07

NotTheFordType I do have children.

My first baby was very small when he was born and needed feeding ( breastfeeding) every hour day and night.

Even then I was not sleep deprived.

OrchidInTheSun · 14/05/2018 09:08

If you have a foolproof way of getting babies to sleep through the night, you should be v wealthy indeed

bbqseason · 14/05/2018 09:08

Speakout All parents are trying to protect their sleep as much as they can. But short of shutting baby in a room on their own and putting ear plugs in (which is basically neglect), sleep deprivation is unavoidable if you have a baby that wakes frequently or struggles to settle. You may have a baby that sleeps long chunk and all is good. But many babies aren't like that.

iloveruby · 14/05/2018 09:10

I’m so sick of hearing the excuses that he must be tired or sleep deprived. There is NO excuse for hitting a cot, shouting at a baby and refusing to hand her over to the mother.
This is truly awful and as a mother you must ensure that this never happens again.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 14/05/2018 09:10

OP he is already controlling YOU - you just haven’t realised.

Wake up and see what’s going on before it’s too late.

What you have said is really really worrying

bbqseason · 14/05/2018 09:11

Speakout surely you know other parents who have had different experiences to you? Not all babies are the same, and not all parents cope in the same way with things. Co-sleeping saved us from sleep deprivation, and we were bf too, but this doesn't work for many families.

speakout · 14/05/2018 09:12

But short of shutting baby in a room on their own and putting ear plugs in (which is basically neglect), sleep deprivation is unavoidable

There are other ways.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 14/05/2018 09:12

It is not acceptable. I would get baby in your room and he goes to sleep in the baby’s room. He can then take over at 5-6 in the morning when she wakes up and you have a rest. Or if you are a napper you could have a nap if it’s possible with your schedules.
Any other arrangement really but stop allowing this situation to happen (which is not your fault OP but you must protect your DD).

AClearShotOfTheStreet · 14/05/2018 09:12

Like what?

sourpatchkid · 14/05/2018 09:14

What are these magical other ways speakout - do tell. Because it may be only you that knows this magic and you should get publishing it, you're set to make billions

(Or .. you could accept that having never experienced something means you're probably not the expert on it and maybe now might be the time to be respectfully quiet)

ethelfleda · 14/05/2018 09:14

Feel bad for the OP- coming to ask for advice on a horrible situation and the thread turns in to attacks on people's parenting styles.

If DH is showing remorse and knows he should not behave this way then I firmly believe he needs help and support. He needs to learn to empathise with his daughter. And he needs to get some rest, obviously before you go back to splitting the night wakings. I actually do feel a little sorry for him - although not excusing his behaviour. Problems with mental health absolutely can make you angry and throw lack of sleep in and you've a recipe for disaster.

Rachie1973 · 14/05/2018 09:16

speakout
So no one here has ever groaned "for fucks sake" when they hear the baby start to cry for the second/third/fourth or more time that night?

No never.,

Groaned it? I've bloody bellowed it. FuckShitTitWankBollox is massively stress relieving at ear shattering decibels.

I've put my child in a cot and walked away to cool off for 10 mins.

I've been a shit parent at times. On the other hand, I've been a bloody fab parent at times.

I'm just human though, and I fuck it up sometimes. In fact, I've fucked up loads over the years and SS haven't ever banged on my door to take my kids away. In fact they have a tendency to drop other kids here for me to look after which is always something of a surprise.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 09:16

Speakout
You were incredibly lucky then. It sounds as if you didn’t find the waking and breastfeeding exhausting, some women, who have an abundance of milk (surprisingly) don’t. I imagine you also have good health. Do you realise we aren’t all the same? I’m constantly exhausted and sleep deprived and have chronic fatigue ie ME. My dd is 9.

Usernameunknown2 · 14/05/2018 09:17

I've said go to fucking sleep and shut up, not with regularity but I was sleep deprived for 18 months. Dh and i got a couple of hours then baby up then another hour every night. It was hell and we both kept getting ill. I also had pnd/anxiety. I really don't think frustration and swearing is abnormal during sleep deprivation especially if it's constant. It's torturous and you feel terribly guilty and loath yourself for it.

That said two massive red flags stand out: hitting the cot and refusing to give her to you. He should be passing her to you and vice versa. When it's relentless it's what you do. On two nights I remember sleeping with earplugs in for 3 hours while dh struggled and being shook awake with him desperate and going for a shower to take a breath.

I would personally have a sleep Rota so if it's your turn he wakes you up so he's not always sleep deprived. He needs to get ober his martyr idea of not doing that. I'd also tell him your fears and that the way he is reacting all the time is feeling them. If you think he may hurt your baby then you need to leave, end of. If you think you want to try then try the above for a couple of weeks and see what happens. Id also try and have some baby free time at night if you can whether it's one of you or both.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/05/2018 09:17

Speak out. How the fuck can you not be sleep deprived with a baby who feeds every hour. I really don't understand

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 09:17

There are other ways. Tell us because this could solve all ops problems.

Haffiana · 14/05/2018 09:20

Speak out. How the fuck can you not be sleep deprived with a baby who feeds every hour. I really don't understand

Imaginary baby...

Contrabassista · 14/05/2018 09:22

OP, you mentioned he is in the military. I think you need to have a word with the welfare department then as this already is serious. If he has undiagnosed mental health issues they need to be addressed. I don’t know much about military life but is there someone you could go to?
In the meantime tell him very firmly that he needs to get help and this treatment of your child will never happen again. You will support him but only on those conditions. I know this must be horrible for you but he really is abusing the baby and it does need to stop. You’ll be doing the absolute best thing for your child.

frieda909 · 14/05/2018 09:24

speakout, are you going to be helpful and actually tell the OP some of these ‘other ways’ to get through the night without baby waking anyone up, which might be a great help to her current situation, or are you just going to keep spouting mysterious vague statements which help no one?

Usernameunknown2 · 14/05/2018 09:25

There are things you can try for sleep deprivation but they may or may not work. Sleep training did nothing, it just made my baby anxious and likely to vomit because crying set off his severe reflux.

I know people who have had several kids, 1 or 2 of who were relentlessly bad and the others dreams at sleeping.