To hate the way DH talks to the baby

[Keeyaw]

I fully understand the frustration of getting up multiple times at night with a crying baby, DD (13 m/o) is going through a real rough patch ATM. She's had multiple infections and teeth are coming through plus the novelty of being able to stand in the cot has her sleep all out of alignment.

DH usually wakes up to deal with her because I don't always hear her straight away but I do often come round to hearing him over the monitor calling her a stupid baby and telling her to go to f-ing sleep etc whilst she screams her head off.

I've had several conversations with him about it and that she will start to understand what he is saying very soon, what do you want your daughter to think about you/feel when she sees you etc. But nothing seems to be getting through to him. I try and take over when I hear him getting frustrated but he won't hand her over. Sometimes I hear him hitting her cot out of frustration and part of me worries for the baby's safety when he's like that.

I'm really struggling because it has a massive effect on how I see him and our marriage (he feels I'm nagging at him as I keep talking about it, I feel upset and frustrated he keeps doing it). Any suggestions on how I can help?

Another voice saying that this is incredibly serious and has all the signs that it could escalate.

It sounds very much as if it is about asserting control (of you and DD) and DH being out of control with his anger. Please do everything in your power to protect your daughter, OP. She is totally defenceless.

Your DH sounds like he needs help, too, especially if he's responsible for the lives of others/weapons at work.

That man is no DEAR/DARLING husband as in DH. The OP must take action.

Fucking hell. I’m the worst for losing my rag at my kids (much older) but this is beyond the pale. Poor baby! I know it’s frustrating and awful when they don’t sleep but there’s no excuse whatsoever for him behaving like this!

I am fiercely protective of my sleep.
I wouldn't want to parent while sleep deprived.
Surely it's possible to parent in a way that protects sleep.

And what are you supposed to do if you have a baby that just won’t sleep? Notwithstanding that when they are tiny, they can’t go more than a few hours without food, so they need to be fed overnight.

My 2 have always been amazing sleepers, I’ve been really lucky, but that was all it was, luck, nothing to do with how I chose to parent.

How does biphasic / polyphasic sleep work if you have a 3 year old who doesn't nap much and a baby who wakes in the night due to chronic tonsillitis?
(painful memories)

OP - he needs to recognise that he can't carry on like this. Either he gets proper help for his mood or he can't be involved in night wakings.

Based solely on what op wrote the infant won’t be removed,however this will trigger a safeguarding alert and further collateral information will be sought.
Op does need to protect her infant as her bf behaviour and judgement is inappropriate and harming her infant
The worry is escalating risk,that he becomes agitated in mood/behaviour and losses control

OP, you need to buy a mattress and take over from your H.

Your FIL sounds like the controlling and angry type known as Mr Right. Rational and above it all and insufferable.

Does he really believe that yelling, cussing and showing violent behaviour is going to stop your baby from crying?
He is scaring her.
No matter how tired you are, handing her over in the hope you can calm her is not a sign of failure on his part.
My kids used to scream at night and sometimes the only one who could calm them was their dad. I felt crap at first but soon got over it. He was not sleep deprived but I was. Massively.
The violent verbal and physical behaviour is not ok. You know that. He needs to understand when to hand over and it is waaaay before that point.

OP how did your conversation with him go?

Sleep deprivation is mostly avoidable- and is down to parenting styles 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sorry, I know the thread has moved on somewhat, but this stopped me in my tracks. Possibly THE most ridiculous thing I have read in my 8 years on MN! Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now.

I know new, I think she is talking about when humans were tribal and could actually sleep when the baby slept, and had no job, lots of other women to feed her, no older children to get to school, no responsibilities past snoozing and whipping a tit out once an hour!
Sounds bliss, but, in today's modern set up, impossible!

She must be so scared. No wonder she screams, who would be able to go to sleep if they were being treated like that? It's completely unacceptable for him to behave like this. What do you mean he won't let you take her? If he's that angry I don't understand why he won't give her to you. I know this is hard for you but you really need to find a way to get him to listen to you and if he won't stop you really should be prepared to leave to protect her before things escalate. Could you record him somehow? Maybe actually hearing himself might give him the kick he needs and at least you will have proof if you need it in the future. Short term- move into her room so you get there first.

** I had a similar experience. I would sit and hit my head off the cot while crying and begging my child to sleep. She had bed shared up til that point and I was heavily pregnant with number two and just wanted her to go to sleep in her cot. At first I was singing songs etc and it got harder to cope with. My partner would come upstairs and offer to take over but I felt shame that I wasn’t coping and would tell him to go away and I can do it. Eventually I ended up screaming at her to just go to sleep or cry then. I then had a long talk with my partner and I felt less shame and let him take over and she eventually got it. We switched her to a proper bed and just laid with her until she fell asleep which was better for all of us. Then our second came along and with a heart condition. When she finally came home with a ventilator etc at 8 months old things started off fine, then the real sleep deprivation kicked in. We were up late with tube feeds and up early to start them again. Once I’m up I’m up and don’t go back to sleep. I seeked our help and my partner took on more, thank goodness he didn’t just leave me. After me learning not to wake to her in the night my partner started experiencing what I was. He may have called her stupid at one point (pure frustration) and hasn’t hit the cot but has hit a few doors. I didn’t leave him over it and now he too is seeking help and we are much better than we were a year ago. The younger child is nearly three now. We are wanting a third, I think we may be mad lol

But I wouldn’t suggest leaving the husband for what he’s done. The Op needs to actually do more and start waking up as it’s become such an issue.

I grew up with an angry parent. I felt physically sick reading this and can't shake it off. I have never forgiven my other parent for not acknowledging the madness and terror and getting up and going to school the day after a freak out when everything has been smashed to smithereens never leaves you.

Is this for real? Your dh is up several times a night for nights on end losing his rag and you only just decided perhaps you should move the baby monitor to your side of the bed and get up once in a while to help out/make sure your baby is ok

Hi, I feel really sorry for you all OP. Even your Dh. You know, I know and I’m sure as hell he knows that his behaviour is not appropriate and bloody scary for your baby. But being sleep deprived is no joke. It literally can send you mad. When we go through periods of our son not sleeping all night, we have a rota. One night DS sleeps in with me and dh sleeps in spare room. Next night I’m in the spare room. This makes it much easier to handle as we both don’t have multiple nights of no sleep.

Being sleep deprived has certainly made me mad . Ds is nearly two and up all night 24/7 he is a live wire . I'm old and haggard and miserable , have chronic headaches and dizziness and can no longer drive .
Wouldn't drive of swearing at him or hitting his cot though. It's unacceptable . Abuse isn't something you do when you're tired .
Ever .

Wouldn't dream, sorry. See, I can't even type .

(As an aside, Sherazade, please ask your GP for help getting your DS to sleep. He may need to see a pediatrician. What you are going through is not sustainable for you.)

While shame and mistaken belief in one's ability to handle a situation can play a part in a situation like this, quite often refusing to back down and admit defeat plays a part too - a sense of pride.

But sometimes there is a very domineering and controlling personality involved, someone who feels a sense of outrage that someone so small can defy him, and refusal to let her get away with it. I suspect in the case of this man it's this.

I can kind of understand a sing song ‘please go to fucking sleep before I have a breakdown’ type of thing. Swearing at a child and hitting anything is not on.

QuackPorridgeBacon clearly you are in denial if you haven't read news about similar situations like this. I didn't say he definitely would torture her, however when you consider his aggression - his verbal and physical outbursts towards his 'stupid baby', you would not be right in the head, or at least would be in denial, if you don't think all the physical and verbal/emotional warning signs are there.

My MiL is a social worker and said the best way to make a child feel secure is to look 'delighted' to see them. Sounds ridiculous but it really stayed with me and every time DC wakes I put on my 'delighted' face. He really really needs to speak to a health visitor or childcare professional. Until then I'd be moving into the baby's room.