To not understand why some parents refuse to pay proper maintenance?

[crunchymint]

Yes I know, its because they are arseholes. I know that. But I still don't emotionally understand how someone cares so little about their own children that they refuse to pay maintenance, or pay as little as they can get away with. What this really means is you don't care if your child has everything they need.

Because they generally don’t do they. And it’s to ensure they have the same quality all the time not just on weekend visits to Disney dad.

Yep. There is a single Dad in my family. Doesn't change the fact that 99 percent of the time it's women paying for EVERYTHING. Not just in terms of day to day food/clothes/ holidays/school trips/yada yada ad infinitum but in terms of the fucked career that comes with lone parenthood.
Frankly I could write you a novel..but I got stuff to do, so I'm out!

Some women are useless areholes too. Absolutely- any NRP who doesn’t pay or pays less than it takes to actually raise a child is a useless arsehole.

Do they generally not? What research have you done on that?

Id say on what highorse gets for example they have a good lifestyle wouldn't you?

You can't say all nrps are Disney dad's ffs... there are some Good nrps....

flaming that depends on the history. If both parents have the option to continue to advance their careers, and one independently decides to be a sahp for years instead, then I agree that after a split the sahp shouldn't expect the same income for luxuries and treats, and the nrp can just provide them. Provided that if the former sahp decides to return to a career the nrp takes on half the childcare.

But ime that isn't how it goes. Usually even if both parents work ft, one has to sacrifice their career somewhat to fit in with childcare, and thats usually the mother. So it's a bit shitty in that scenario that having sacrificed earning potential to enable their dp to become a high earner, that following a split they have to be the basics parent whilst the dp can also provide luxuries.

There's also the gender pay gap, so even if both partners have equal opportunity and ability to advance their careers, in many cases the father will be the higher earner.

So mum pays for food, day to day to expenses and the boring stuff like text books and afterschool clubs and childcare, while also not being able to work as many hours as she needs to properly fund the above.

Dad, who can work all the hours he wants gets to swan in and take them to Disneyland?

I once asked my ex to help pay for school shoes because I was literally penniless after paying for two sets of uniform, bags, pe kits etc

Do you know what he said?

"Why should I? I paid for them to go on holiday and bought them loads of teddies and toys!"

Oh, well then, they'll just walk to school with teddies on their feet shall they?

Maybe, if I hadn't had to pay for 2 x school uniforms, 2 x bags, 2 x coats, 2 x hair accessories, 100% of the childcare bill, extra gas and electric for the 6 days a week they are with me, three meals a day for the six days they are with me and all while only being able to work when childcare is available, I'd be able to enjoy a holiday with them and buy them teddies and toys. As it is, I can't even afford to clothe myself properly.

Ex-H, otoh, owns three houses and goes on weekends away constantly and gets to enjoy holidays with them.

I don't think there is any reason for a NRP not to pay for their child(ren). However I'm not sure how you can work out how much they should pay if cms is the "minimum"?

My DP pays the cms calculated amount & would never not pay because they don't want their child to go without.
With regards to paying for nursery etc they only found out from a friend that their child was going, after being told by their ex that the child wasn't going to nursery!
RP won't allow proper access (currently in process of court) & constantly interrupts conversation / play between my DP & their child.
DP has paid for clothes / shoes but currently any "extra" has been going on setting up their home in order to (eventually) have their child over. Also for court. If DP was allowed to have their child they'd have the extras of days out / holidays as well as what they currently get with the RP.

This thread isn’t about the decent NRPs though is it? It’s about the ones that withhold maintenance. That’s literally the point of the thread and yet as always people feel the need to cry “Not all Men”. Not once has anyone on this thread said all NRPs are deadbeats.

And what research have I done? Well out of over 30 single mothers I’ve known over the course of my life (both friends and family and including my own mother)not a single one has ever received any form of child maintenance from their ex - not one.

Oh, and the weekends away come over and above Saturday contact. I get a text message the Friday evening before to be informed he won't be having them this Saturday night because he is in Skegness until Sunday night. I just have to suck it up.

I wonder what would happen if I just fucked off to Skegness on a Wednesday afternoon and text him to tell him I wouldn't be there to collect the children from school because I was getting pissed at Butlins with the girls instead?

It's sad that some people think 'there should have been a conversation beforehand' I had all sorts of conversations...

He offered to put bills in his name/account once maternity leave had started - I cancelled the bills only to have him ignore them and get bailiffs knocking on the door!
He said he supported the kids from last relationship via standing order even though the 'evil ex' had stopped contact and no matter what he'd always support his kids - total fabrication, he did not pay and now doesn't pay me either after I fled dv that got worse once child was here
He said drug taking had stopped - I found out when I was 6 months pregnant that it had not after borrowing his car and finding a stash that he was 'looking after for his bud' - I mean seriously?? He must of got that out of a schoolboys handbook!

I am totally at the mercy now of benefits, reaching almost 25 years of full time employment and never once receiving a benefit until now. It's grim, my parents (or any of my family to my knowledge) weren't on benefits either and it's shell shocking to say the least. And now he won't pay for (he has NEVER) a single solitary thing our child needs. I funded everything from nappies to travel systems. He would rather buy a bbq than a car seat, go to his buddies houses to smoke pot than visit his baby and puts out a spliff as he walks up to my house to have the visits I make so accessible I him. I had to go to the local food hand out the other day. They thought I was there to volunteer!! This is because of my misjudgment and hope! Things will get better for me and my baby, but not from a result of my ex who needs help, medication and rehab but will never accept it.

notangelinajolie

'That conversation should happen before the children arrive.'

Im still totally offended by that. Really, really upset. So naive.

He said he supported the kids from last relationship via standing order even though the 'evil ex' had stopped contact and no matter what he'd always support his kids - total fabrication, he did not pay

Frankly, I struggle to understand this. Doesn't this 'evil ex' crap raise red flags?

I can just imagine that conversation with me ex-H.

me: Honey, we need to talk about all the possible scenarios our future may hold before we conceive.
Him: Well, I expect after the birth of our second child still doesn't quell your desire to better yourself and my low-key methods of killing your self-confidence aren't working as well as I'd hoped, I'll become an alcoholic to cope. You'll have to leave your job then. I plan on becoming financially abusive and raping you a few times once you're totally reliant on me for money. Oh, and just so you know, I'll throw into the street with only the clothes you stand in one night in the midst of a drunken tantrum. If you don't come back begging me to take you back the next day, I'll work cash-in hand and put all my properties in my sister's name so I don't have to pay you CM, that okay with you?

Frequency

Exactly my point.

“That conversation should happen before the children arrive” is just more blaming of single parents (their fault for having children with feckless partners) for the faults of the nrp. There is no conversation that means you don’t have to pay for your own children.

I totally agree.

So, to all the posters who think my DH has 'given up' on his sons and walked away.
I ask you what is he supposed to do?
The courts failed him. When it got to the point where the judge was going to have to consider punishing his ex, the only suggestion was to 'start again'.
Should he have continued to drive a 400- mile round trip every weekend to find his children refused to see him?
Meanwhile, the children were getting more and more upset by the whole thing and felt that, at three and eight, they had to protect their mother, although they couldn't tell the CAFCAS officer what they were protecting her from.
The ex had already alienated her daughter from her father (the ex's first husband) but the court deemed that to be irrelevant.
I do acknowledge that my DH's case is at tgecextrenecebd, but how it makes my blood boil when people glibly say he should not have walked away

daisy really not one single one out of 30? I find that hard to believe.

Really? Me, DM, 7 aunts, 12 cousins, 5 friends and various work colleagues (and those are just the ones that chose to discuss it). Oh and shamefully my ex sister in law who has received nothing from my useless older brother who used to show up for contact and ask his ex for money to take his girls out with because he’d blew all of his on coke and steroids.

Not one penny of maintenance or regular things bought for children in lieu of maintenance off any of them. But that’s ok because they all love their kids and their ex’s are bitches innit?

There is no conversation that means you don’t have to pay for your own children.

There's not. Poor choice of words. Perhaps 'sustained observation period'.

How long can you have actually been with someone if you haven't worked out that they're not paying child support, for example?

@cathf yeah he should do more for the kids. If a section 7 report has been done, if he’s been refused access by courts then he hasn’t walked away but should still pay maintenance

And that’s not even counting when I was child and all the kids in my class who’s dads had done a runner and didn’t pay a penny. Probably push it over 50 then. And the worse thing is it’s seen as normal and acceptable and not one of these men face any sort of stigma.

Road yea it raises red flags but when everyone I have any contact with who know her says the same then the red flag is at half mast. She's done nothing to show herself as otherwise and her new bf's ex stopped contact due to her so it isn't just so clear of the truth. I also naively live in hope that everyone can get along 😳

Road wow I'm guessing it's my post you're pulling apart (???!) I was with him for almost 3 years and part of the DV/DA was financial but I wasn't aware just how bad things were until it was too late. So yea SHOCK I honestly didn't know he wasn't paying child maintenance. I didn't know (and still don't really!) how it worked. He'd get a yearly letter about it and I thought that was that.

Sorry daisy when have I ever said it's ok? Or that ex's are bitches? Don't put words into my mouth.

Just seems odd that so many of you whonare close are in exactly the same position. The only man I know who hadn't paid maintenance was my own dad funnily enough. And dps ex didn't pay for a few months. I legit don't know anyone else who doesn't pay for their kids.