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Original poster

To not understand why some parents refuse to pay proper maintenance?

389 replies

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:11

Yes I know, its because they are arseholes. I know that. But I still don't emotionally understand how someone cares so little about their own children that they refuse to pay maintenance, or pay as little as they can get away with. What this really means is you don't care if your child has everything they need.

OP posts:
Frequency · 14/05/2018 18:13

It really doesn't matter how a RP became the main carer because regardless of how it came about someone needs to be the main carer.

All these poor men forced to pay CM could always go to court and secure 50/50 shared care, then they wouldn't have to pay any maintenance. I wonder why more of them don't do that? Hmm

I don't buy the poor, ostracised father routine either. If access is being blocked and you're so in love with your children you can't bear it, you wouldn't punish the mother (and children) by reducing or stopping CM, you'd fight through the courts for access.

RoadToRivendell · 14/05/2018 18:15

HighHorse, maybe your ex's reasoning is that because your children are school-aged, you could easily get part-time work.

I get the sense from your posts that you must be fairly skilled?

RoadToRivendell · 14/05/2018 18:17

All these poor men forced to pay CM could always go to court and secure 50/50 shared care, then they wouldn't have to pay any maintenance. I wonder why more of them don't do that?

Granted, my understanding of UK divorce is pretty limited (I have just one divorced friend) but I was under the impression that this isn't that easy when the mother has been a SAHM. Or have I got that wrong?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 14/05/2018 18:27

@DaisysStew

*My ex pays no support but rants in Court about how he’s the “greatest father in the world” (his actual words). His reason? Because I’m sticking to the Court Order for contact. Apparently if I let him see DS whenever he wants he’ll pay - funny thing is thats what used to happen and he didn’t pay then either.

Men who refuse to pay are arseholes pure and simple. They should be charged with neglect and I’ll bet my life that if the majority of single parents were men and it was women withholding maintenance the government would come down a lot harder on it.*

Nail. Hit it on the head.

My ex was a dick about this and I dragged him by the balls kicking and screaming to court. Ive had maintenance reviewed. I was awarded nearly twice what I voluntarily took at the first hearing, at the second sitting because I knew what he earned and wanted that proportionately for my kids.

I think the problem comes when a person realises that whilst they would do or give anything to their children- the other person is not prepared to. That hardest realisation is that you cant or wont be able to force them to prioritise your child in the same way that you.

This is where a court order is handy because they have no bloody option.

My ex was refusing to pay his portion of school costs (bags, uniforms etc) so I asked solicitor what to do- she told me I didnt need her, that I was capable of doing it myself. I did. He's now dragging his heels about paying £22 towards two kids school trips and I simply told him that if he refused I'd take him back again.

I think in many maintenance situations it is seen that the money is being given to the other person rather than going to the children. I dont think they realise that it all goes in one big pot- that pot is then used to pay for the home the children live in, to maintain that home (gas, electric, food).

My ex always says 'Im not going to give YOU anymore money'.

Its not for me, its for the kids.

End of rant.

ElChan03 · 14/05/2018 18:28

My partner has his two children full time; one child has severe SN. His ex pays about 100 a year if lucky, barely sees her children and is pregnant now. I don't think we'll see much of her when that new baby is born.
I feel so sorry for those kids.
I don't know if the condom argument works on women. But from what's she's said her existing children are just too much hard work for her. Maybe the next one will be easier.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 14/05/2018 18:29

Love it how many think that its less of a 'Court Order' and more of a 'Court Suggestion'.

I pointed this out to the judge and he smiled. Then said to tell The Idiot that is was definitely not a suggestion.

Highhorse1981 · 14/05/2018 18:32

RoadToRivendell

I am heading back to work
It’s written in the agreement
By jan 2019 latest
But actually I’m back to work end of August this year

DaisysStew · 14/05/2018 18:36

The court won’t even deal with maintenance for me. Court was purely because he tried to run off with DS after an argument and when I called the police they said in the absence of a CAO they would be powerless to force him to return DS. And now we’re back less than a year later because he’s not happy with the contact he has.

I’ve just put in my CMS claim after realising that he’s never going to do the right thing by our son voluntarily- I am very much looking forward to my £6.75 a week that he has been told to pay and am open to suggestions as to how I’m going to spend my new found wealth.

ElChan03 · 14/05/2018 18:38

Daisystew that's how much my dp ex is supposed to pay a week for 2 children. I would get it set in stone because cms won't enforce if they pay voluntarily... even if they stop for months at a time.

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 18:43

Rivendell If the father has shown little interest in the kids when he was living with them, then no he won't get shared care or residency.
Reminds me of when Woody Allen tried to get residency for his kids who he had never lived with. Mia Farrow's solicitor asked him a number of basic questions about the kids lives such as names of their teachers, best friends they had frequent play dates with, etc. He could not answer one of the questions. So unsurprisingly didn't get residence.

OP posts:
DaisysStew · 14/05/2018 18:47

ElChan03 They’ve refused to - apparently they have to give him to opportunity to pay first. Then when he doesn’t they’ll ask him to pay them directly and add the charge, only after several months of him still not paying will they take it directly from his benefits payments. So I don’t expect to see any money until at least next year (if ever).

rainingcatsanddog · 14/05/2018 18:47

All these poor men forced to pay CM could always go to court and secure 50/50 shared care, then they wouldn't have to pay any maintenance. I wonder why more of them don't do that?

Considering how many knew how much childcare was when they were with the mum, they must know that maintenance is less than 50% of the childcare fees? They must have been shopping with their child and realise that shoes cost £x, eating out costs £y? I think it's all about sticking it to their ex and not even thinking about the child.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 14/05/2018 18:51

@DaisysStew £6.75 a week- are you SHITTING me?!?! For the love of god...

Don't spend it all at once!

tinytemper66 · 14/05/2018 18:51

It is two fingers to the resident parent and no care or concern for their offspring!

rainingcatsanddog · 14/05/2018 18:54

I’m loving everyone on here bragging how their DH pays more than what the CSA say they have to.
I mean, good and all, but it’s not really anything to brag about.
As has been said, CSA amount is pitiful.

I know a dick who pays 1p more than so he can say that he pays more than CSA.

Thehogfather · 14/05/2018 18:59

Personally I can't think of any valid reason not to pay, as I don't include tit for tat revenge about access as a valid reason to shit on your own dc. But let's say a nrp did have a good reason. How come you never hear of the big pot of savings the nrp has accumulated to hand over to the dc as adults? Because surely if you have some very good reason not to give maintanence to the rp, you'd not just spend that money on yourself/ new dp etc.

I also don't buy the excuse about crazed ex's being a good excuse to abandon your dc. If anything it just makes it worse. The ex/rp cathf described doesn't come across as having her dcs interests first if she is more interested in using them to play mind games and emotionally manipulating them. Which makes it all the more unforgivable for the nrp to walk away.

'I as an adult cannot cope with my crazed loon of an ex. So I'll leave my vulnerable dc to cope instead'.

Absconding responsibility and leaving it all to a capable nrp who will always put the dc first is despicable, but doing so when the nrp is a bitch/ crazy etc is another level of evil. And yet so many cite crazed bitch ex as a reason to walk away.

I'm also going to ignore the idiot bleating about the poor menz lack of choice.

Frequency · 14/05/2018 19:00

RoadToRivendell the court favours what is best for the child, with the view that in ideal circumstances, equal contact with both parents is best.

So, if a father is involved in their child's life, has a good relationship with the child and is willing and able, there's no reason why he would not be granted shared custody if he asked for it.

IfNot · 14/05/2018 19:00

I have no idea. But if you don't want to pay child maintenence...put a condom on your dick. It's pretty simple (I believe they come with instructions).

Mrskeats · 14/05/2018 19:00

My DH pays well over the amount he should be and still gets grief including being badmouthed to the children.
It's not all one way.

Helpmeplan · 14/05/2018 19:10

Ifknot if you don't want a child with a dead beat Dad take the pill/coil/injection/use condoms. Works both ways.

DaisysStew · 14/05/2018 19:16

Helpmeplan What a ridiculous statement. My DS was very much planned and wanted by both me and the ex. It was just that after DS was born (like literally the minute he was out of my body and he refused to hand him over to me and had to be told off by the midwife) that he changed. I called it a day when DS was 3 months old after realising that he saw me as little more than an incubator for “his son” (which is what he had always referred to DS as - never once in 3 years has he used our child’s name). The withholding financial support is a punishment to me for a) not taking him back and b) not letting him swan into my home whenever he chooses.

How are you supposed to guess that someone that you believed cared about you would turn in such a way?

Thehogfather · 14/05/2018 19:25

helpme dead beat dads don't tend to go round sharing their future intentions. You find out only when it's too late. Granted there are the Jeremy Kyle type exceptions where it's fairly obvious they are twats. Or those who birth Mr non payers second dc thinking their dc will be different. But the vast majority of us will have been in serious, stable relationships with the kind of man everyone else perceives as Mr lovely.

IfNot · 14/05/2018 19:27

You know, as a single woman for many many years it always astonished me how few men even thought about condoms, and were a bit surprised when I mentioned them. I'm sure they would be the very same men bitching and moaning about money grabbing women asking for children support.

And it most certainly DOESN'T work "both ways" when women are (in 99 percent of cases) PAYING for said children!

flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 19:29

highhorse I'm not a single parent.....

Even if I was id still have the same opinion!

daisy no reason why the children can't have the same lifestyle though. Why can't their dad also treat them directly? He can still take them on holidays etc they still have that "lifestyle" on his time. It's not up to the nrp to provide said lifestyle for their ex.

flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 19:32

ifnot it took months for dps ex to pay him maintenance. In that time he was still paying her maintenance for a child that was living with us. She's paid the bare minimum since.

Some women are useless areholes too.