To not understand why some parents refuse to pay proper maintenance?

[crunchymint]

Yes I know, its because they are arseholes. I know that. But I still don't emotionally understand how someone cares so little about their own children that they refuse to pay maintenance, or pay as little as they can get away with. What this really means is you don't care if your child has everything they need.

because the probably didn't want kids in the first place.

These will be the fathers who did feck all during the newborn days to help, and continued to do feck all.

There's no blanket answer to this. Some people don't have the means to pay, some don't want to, and some exes treat children as a pay per view to extort money.

My ex pays nothing, and I've never chased him for it. DP pays over the recommendation, and we provide all the DC need while at our house. She's now seeking more maintenance as she wants my income to be considered as well. Some cases just aren't black and white.

I know that women hold all the cards when it comes to deciding if the baby is born or not, but the man is still just as responsible for the pregnancy and the child(ren,) and he is also responsible for paying for the child(ren.)

On another note, it never seems to amaze me how easy men find it to get up and leave (sometimes for another woman,) and they almost never (probably 99% of the time,) EVER take the child(ren) with him. (Or ever want to.)

I guess a kid in tow will impede too much on the pissing around with other women, partying, spending several hours a day on his hobbies, and spending 3 nights a week out with his mates.

Far better to leave the kids with their mother, and chuck in the odd tenner when he can afford it.

No wonder women usually get custody of the children.

But when they both consent to sex without protection then the balance of control is 100% the woman's.

or the balance of responsibility it 100% the woman's. She has the choice of a termination or pregnancy and childbirth - not inconsequential in either case.

The "control" about a pregnancy lies entirely with a man - don't have sex, use a condom effectively, have a vasectomy. If a man consents to sex without protection, he is consenting to possibly having a child - same as the woman except it will also take a physical toll on her.

My ex husband was meant to give me (csa calculation) £678 but all I got out of him was £200, I accepted that, money wasnt really needed as I earn well.
3 months ago found out whilst they are with there dad he, his parter and her child would get a takeaway and mine wernt allowed it, would get a ready meal or sarnie.
He refused to buy clothing for his house.
Wouldn't get them pillows, they took theirs from home.
They wernt allowed to use internet, small things that added up.
In the end I thought sod it, if u can't provide the basics in ur own home and treat them as equals i will take off you what we r entitled to and bloody treat them myself.
When he found out id gone to cms he txt me saying if u don't stop the claim i wont see them anymore.
What a fool.
I now receive over £600 a month and they havnt seen their father since.
They r better off without him.

"Can I just point out this works both ways, my OH payed over the normal amount and yet ex demanded more and more. In the end we went to CSA to resolve it (mainly because child was not well kept) Turned out she had not been declaring receiving anything. So she now has to pay back £1 a week and what happened to the thousands she received, did not go on child’s wellbeing. Just pointing out that it’s not always one sided here" bull! The csa amount is a MINIMUM not a legal maximum. The only reason a RP would need to pay back is if they willingly deceived a man that a child was theirs when it wasn't - and even that's not clear cut it has to go through court.

and as always with 'and child was being neglected' claims on this subject IF that were true the DECENT thing to do is to involve SS and seek residency NOT seek to reduce maintenance payments.

In general terms - don't want a pregnancy, then don't have sex it's not compulsory! Even contraception can fail BUT you have even less of a leg to stand on if you don't even use contraception.

Ime its planned children born within committed relationships, dad leaves and it seems to become a case of 'out of sight out of mind' plus the hatred/bitterness toward the ex outweighing the love for the child/ren.

Seen several threads on here by op's claiming their dp/dh is a lovely man who doesn't get to see DC due to 'crazy ex' - it then emerges through questioning (sometimes the op knew before posting, sometimes they then question the man and discover all is not as originally claimed) that he's never paid maintenance, made sod all effort with contact, doesn't send birthday/Christmas cards, never phones or communicates with DC... But yea it's all the nrp's fault - the one that DOES do the hard graft of parenting INC the financing/organising of finances.

Personal I'd link it directly to income tax and make it a criminal offence to avoid it. Other countries do this successfully, WHY this country continues to let absent parents deny their responsibilities I do not know!

And I REALLY don't understand parents who get in a relationship with a nrp who doesn't pay maintenance or see their DC just accepting the 'crazy ex' crap!

whyareall do you mean your partner’s ex has to repay him back at £1 a month or the state for overpaid benefits? I only ask because child support and benefit payments are separate- one doesn’t affect the other so I’m not sure why she’s having to pay back anything?!

And in answer to the original question I often wonder that myself. My ex does pay the minimum but the pleads poverty including to our children. Several friends and family members have ex’s that don’t pay anything or offer a pathetic amount instead and expect them to be grateful.

I also don’t buy the excuse that I got to choose whether I had the babies or an abortion. I didn’t climb on top of myself and get pregnant- he helped! He could have used a condom if he didn’t want a baby. But the fact of the matter is most of the dads I know who don’t pay have older children, they’ve not only formed a bond with them but been there living with them, raising them and then decided actually I won’t take financial responsibility for them after the relationship with their mother breaks down.

My ex never paid me a penny. Nothing. In his eyes he was giving me the money, he wanted to punish me and make things difficult for me. It was always about controlling me and he didn't give a shit if his daughter suffered as a consequence.

Luckily she hasn't seen him in 9 years so doesn't fully know what a complete knob jockey he is. Just that he's an absent father that she can't get too worked up over because she didn't really like him from what she can remember.

Luckily she has the most amazing Dad in DH, who threw himself in feet first into parenting (he had no kids) and spoils her rotten.

I'll never understand it OP.

ExH doesn’t pay. CMS have spent 2 years trying to get money from him. He also doesn’t see DD. He said to mediators, and I quote “There is no law to force me to be a father. Yes I did push Nuka to have a baby during our marriage but once she was pregnant I changed my mind, she chose not to have an abortion even though I asked her repeatedly and I still don’t want to be a father. Nobody can force me to see the kid and nobody can force me to pay maintenance.”

Charming. I’ve also seen messages that he sent to a mutual friend, gloating that he’d “ruined my life” and “ensured shell never be able to move on with her life, have a relationship, go back to work, or do anything again”

My ex doesn't see why he has to pay anything. He says he supports them enough when they're with him every other weekend, so he doesn't pay at all.

Sometimes it works the other way. My DH pays more than he’s required to for DSC. His ex wife still asks for more, usually with some fabricated excuse a few days after she’s returned from an expensive holiday with her boyfriend (she doesn’t take the children). She’s as predictable as the sunrise. She lies to her children about money MIL gives to to buy logged for them (she says it’s for her). Tells them DH doesn’t give her a penny. She told DSD that she shouldn’t pay anything for her anymore (she’s 16), and that DH should be paying for everything and she doesn’t have to contribute. In the past she’s withheld access because she wanted more money.
Either parent can be awful about child maintenance. Being a crappy parent re maintenance isn’t just the preserve of the one paying it.

Logged = clothes

My ex pays the bare minimum. Didn’t see DS for 5 years. Now only sees him one weekend a month and to save my DS having to carry his school bag plus a bag of clothes to the weekend he sees him, I’ve had to buy and post clothes for him to have at his house because he refused to.
What kind of parent wouldn’t even buy there own child a couple of sets of clothes???
He’s father of the year apparently and I’m an evil witch who makes life difficult for him. All bollocks!!
I’ve decided not to provide anything else for his house and I’ve told my son this. That his Dad has to provide for him at his house, not me.

Disgusts me that I ever fell for his lies

Coz the csa for a start think £7 A week flat rate for a child is ok

I don't get it either exh was paying £7 A week despite living with his new gf and her 3 kids then has a baby with her now split up and guess what I now have to share that £7 A week. (This has gone up to £18 per week now)
This is why men think it's ok because that's all the have to provide for a week.
If I wasn't in need I would tell him where to shove his £18.

Sorry had a personal rant

All sorts of justifications given, both from the parents and their new partners but it's all rubbish and they should financially support the chidren they chose to have.

Likewise so should the resident parent, plenty of those who don't pay anything or pay little and let others pick up the tab.

Both parents are equally responsible and both should be providing financially.

My ex pays slightly under the minimum calculated most months. He varies the amount each month (has a commission based job) but on good months the amount is never over the minimum.
It’s a form of control, I ended the relationship (due to him attempting to employ the services of prostitues, bad money management and a lack of emotional support during PND) therefore I am to be hated. Even though he apparently still loves me. He allows his feelings of love/hate for me to overshadow his decision making regarding finances for our child. Luckily I am not an arsehole and am able, just, to maintain our home and have a few treats on my salary and WTC.

I know the amount of benefits have changed today, but I know how much my friend got, we freely talked about it.

So to put it in context, she was a TA, term time only 6 hours per day, which pro ratas across the year to 22.5 hours per week. She did own her own house (with mortgage). Three children. So she earned 14K, pro rata is £10.500 plus £749 per week (not a typo) in all manner of tax credits and DLA for the children plus around 30K per annum CM.

So when someone is picking up 38K in benefits, plus 30K in CM plus an untaxed 10.5k for a part time job. Nearly 80K gross and untaxed. So you can see why the wider world gets pissed off with the welfare state, not to mention ex and new partners trying to have their own family.

In my case, my ex has never been able to love his child more than he hates me. He knew the maintenance would make my life easier and that was something neither he nor his new wife could tolerate.

Years later and I now receive a reasonable amount. It's organised and enforced by the CMS.

I never got a penny from the deadbeat fathers of my 2 boys and I was too proud to chase them. I did it all on my own. Not that I'm recommending it. If you can squeeze some cash out of the tightwad sperm donors then go for it, but chasing them through the courts is draining.

It's odd to me that all absent fathers seem to pay nothing, or well below the minimum, yet everyone's DH pays above and beyond and can't keep up with demands of the ex.

I get a letter from the CMS every year. It's like that old programme "Bullseye" - "take a look at what you could've won!"

In my case it was DV - hasn't seen dd in years (no effort on his part, even for supervised contact as suspect that's what he'd get).

He justified not paying as he said he didn't even think dd was his, his DM advised a paternity test (the DM had some screws loose so can believe this is what she said).

And the old classic of I apparently didn't allow contact. I have saved all the emails etc in case he ever tries to peddle that line when dd is older.

The CMS letter declared at FT he was earning tuppence so guess he's switched to cash in hand.

Some people don't want to face responsibilities. I used to get worked up about it, then I remember he's missed out on watching fantastic dd grow up. His loss. I don't think paying = contact but I know this is how he thought about it when he did throw us the occasional tenner years ago. So he's lost out on dd for the sake of a few pounds. Pathetic really.

My ex won’t pay any maintenance as ‘it was my decision to split’ so I have to cope on my own!! Went to court over the kids as he wanted to be the rp - that cost £20k each so I know he has money just tries to punish me - it’ll come back to bite him in the end when they are old enough to understand what he’s like - they’ll learn without me having to say anything about him!

Lanier yes I noticed this also. Always comes out in these types of threads - poster's DH pays literally MILLIONS per annum to insane ex who goes on expensive holidays every other week and eats at the Ritz every night or it's poster's deadbeat ex who pays between £0 - £7 per week. Nothing in between.

Again and again though we see the "I won't allow contact" posts on here. Mothers who make it difficult for the father to see the child and combine it with a full time job.

How can you have a relationship with a child you barely see. They grow so fast and without regular contact they do not treat you as someone they love - they reject you and mothers use that as more amunition. We see it again and agin, "The DCs don;t like going there" "He is always at work" "He doesn't have a nice room for them"

So many relationships break up when the child is a baby - often under a year old. Itr is rare that this happens when a child is post primary age.

I have regularly posted that "children are not pay per view" and yet still we see "withold contact unless he pays".

RPs get full benefits and are often far better off than the non RP who does not get HB, ChB, Tax Credits

Everyone's case is different - it is not one sided at all.