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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some parents refuse to pay proper maintenance?

389 replies

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:11

Yes I know, its because they are arseholes. I know that. But I still don't emotionally understand how someone cares so little about their own children that they refuse to pay maintenance, or pay as little as they can get away with. What this really means is you don't care if your child has everything they need.

OP posts:
Frequency · 14/05/2018 00:19

I think they attempt to justify it to themselves by telling themselves the resident parent would only spend it on wine and hair products anyway, or at least, that's how my ex justifies it to anyone who listen.

To be completely honest I do buy wine with some of it but in all fairness if I wasn't paying for cosmetics, sanitary products and toiletries for two teenaged girls on my own, I'd be able to buy a fucking vineyard never mind a bottle of discount wine.

The measly £80 a month I get doesn't even cover their lunch money for a month.

Babyroobs · 14/05/2018 00:19

They know that their kids are not going without as the state will pay in many cases through benefits. Obviously not every resident parent is claiming but many will be and I suspect non resident parents know this. Some on low income will be struggling with high rent and bills and not be able to pay much. I really don't understand those on good incomes that don't pay or those that go on to have more kids with another partner and stop paying for the kids they already have.

User02 · 14/05/2018 00:22

I tried to get Child Maintenance for mine but Ex was always changing work and home so he was hard to trace. Eventually I got compo for their failure to get money from him. In the meantime he created a variety of nasty things to do to DC and me.
He has shown up now that all DC are over 18 with a tale of how he was so skint he could not come to see them because he had to pay maintenance! He is obviously still the chancer I knew him to be

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:24

Babyroobs Yes the state will give benefits which means the kid will be fed and clothed. But if the resident parent is relying on benefits, then yes the kid will be going without some things. Any decent parent wants to do the best for their children.

OP posts:
LewisFan · 14/05/2018 00:26

The sperm donor here owes about 45k in maintenance.... ds is nearly 16 and he's not paid a penny since I escaped dv when he was a baby.... he said it's because I didn't allow contact (he chose to not attend).

He hasn't ever sent birthday or Christmas stuff either and I imagine his grandmother died as the £5 every Easter stopped coming a few years ago...

I don't care. Ds never went without and i can hand on heart say that what he has and who he is is entirely down to me....

notangelinajolie · 14/05/2018 00:26

This conversation should take place before the children arrive.

Greenyogagirl · 14/05/2018 00:28

My ex doesn’t pay because he doesn’t see my son (due to court order) my theory is he hates me more than any other emotion and will do anything to make my life harder. It’s not about his son at all unfortunately

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:28

angelina I can't imagine many partners would say before you had kids - yeah if we split up I will refuse to pay any maintenance.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 14/05/2018 00:33

Crunchy - Yes I meant benefits provide the basics, kids will be fed and clothed with tax credits and chid benefit, the basics will be paid for. I guess kids might miss out on the extras like after school activities/ swimming lessons/ holidays etc and I don't understand why nrp's would allow their kids to miss out on those things if they can pay.

Birdsgottafly · 14/05/2018 00:34

I think we should be asking why it's never been a criminal offence to dodge maintenance.

Also why there wasn't a lot more condemnation towards people who don't have contact with their children. I know you'll still get people who believe the 'crazy ex' story, but it's just accepted that some Men walk away from their children.

Birdsgottafly · 14/05/2018 00:35

I don't know how anyone could leave their child at the mercy of others, either, tbh.

User02 · 14/05/2018 00:37

Can you imagine the outrage of SS if a mother did not feed the DC and yet they don't seem to think anything wrong of the father not paying maintenance.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 14/05/2018 00:39

Can I just point out this works both ways, my OH payed over the normal amount and yet ex demanded more and more. In the end we went to CSA to resolve it (mainly because child was not well kept) Turned out she had not been declaring receiving anything. So she now has to pay back £1 a week and what happened to the thousands she received, did not go on child’s wellbeing. Just pointing out that it’s not always one sided here

Walkingdeadfangirl · 14/05/2018 00:42

I think the differential comes because as an outcome of a consensual act of sex, a women can decide to have or not the baby. But a man has no control or say over it whatsoever. Its not equal and that creates resent.

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:44

Walkingdead First too many men take no responsibility for contraception. Plenty of men do not pay maintenance or pay as little as they can get away with, who planned to have a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:45

And I don't understand women who support their partners in not paying maintenance or as little as possible.

OP posts:
Frequency · 14/05/2018 00:46

But a man has no control or say over it whatsoever

There are these newfangled thin rubber sheaths men can wear on their penis when engaging in consensual sex acts. They catch the sperm and prevent pregnancy. I believe they are called condoms and are thought to be 98% effective.

Men who don't want to pay for children could always choose to pop one on before sticking their dicks in women they don't wish to impregnate.

flopsyrabbit1 · 14/05/2018 00:48

of course a absent mum or dad should pay but there can be huge variations

i think some are saying about parents that dont pay where op is asking why dont some pay a decent amount more than what they already do

who judges what is fare its a difficult one ??

this is on the tails of another thread

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:50

I have just seen the other thread, I started this one before I saw that other thread.
I do think decent parents are prepared to make sacrifices for their kids. And that includes financially.

OP posts:
pallisers · 14/05/2018 00:51

I think the differential comes because as an outcome of a consensual act of sex, a women can decide to have or not the baby. But a man has no control or say over it whatsoever. Its not equal and that creates resent.

That's just silly (but a constant trope on these threads - those bad women who refuse to have an abortion should pay for the baby they insisted on shouldn't they). Many of the cases of men paying nothing are from marriages/planned children/children who seemed to be loved dearly by their dads - in fact in some cases the dad still does see and appear to love their children - just sees no reason to actually provide for them.

I have spent hours in the RMV in the US recently (2 kids got their licences). Huge board up in front of waiting area saying "you cannot get a licence or renew a licence if you owe child support"

Walkingdeadfangirl · 14/05/2018 00:51

Not saying men cant have a say before the act of sex. But when they both consent to sex without protection then the balance of control is 100% the woman's.

Not making a judgement just stating a fact.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 14/05/2018 00:52

Crunchy I hope you don’t mean me, I myself payed mum money, but there is a line and blackmailing contact is one. We never stopped paying, but the amount increasing was extortionate which was why we turned to csa, which ended up in her being convicted for benefit fraud. We didn’t know she wasn’t declaring

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:54

No I don't mean you.
I have seen though where women justify why their DP should not have to pay any maintenance.

OP posts:
flopsyrabbit1 · 14/05/2018 00:57

im talking about the thread where the op has a dss and still paying the ex wife for him

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 14/05/2018 01:04

Not all Step mums are like this Crunchy, just as how not all mums are like you :)