To not understand why some parents refuse to pay proper maintenance?

[crunchymint]

Yes I know, its because they are arseholes. I know that. But I still don't emotionally understand how someone cares so little about their own children that they refuse to pay maintenance, or pay as little as they can get away with. What this really means is you don't care if your child has everything they need.

My ex pays no support but rants in Court about how he’s the “greatest father in the world” (his actual words). His reason? Because I’m sticking to the Court Order for contact. Apparently if I let him see DS whenever he wants he’ll pay - funny thing is thats what used to happen and he didn’t pay then either.

Men who refuse to pay are arseholes pure and simple. They should be charged with neglect and I’ll bet my life that if the majority of single parents were men and it was women withholding maintenance the government would come down a lot harder on it.

Most men who don’t pay do so because they resent giving help in any form to their ex even if it benefits their child. They are selfish man babies. The energy one of my DSIS ex has spent over the last 20 years to avoid maintenance is amazing and he owes £1000s and no action was ever taken to reclaim it.
Of course not all men are like this but a significant amount are otherwise the CSA (or whatever it’s called now) wouldn’t need to exist.

My XP can see our DD any time he can bothered and yet he has always gone out of his way to avoid paying support for her. I get the princely sum of £12 a week from him.
I don't know if it has ever occurred to him how this has damaged his relationship with her. She knows he doesn't support her financially and has a very low opinion of him because of this.
The truth is that as a society we don't really care that single parents, their children and ultimately the taxpayers are picking up the bill for these useless men. There is no uproar amongst the public over this issue. Time and time again you will see people make excuses for these men or turn a blind eye.

So I’m making it up then? I’m making up the phone calls from ex wife’s mum despairing at her own child? The tears from my DSD when her mum refused to pay for school equipment or her bus pass. The cheques ex wife has forged - and worse. I am not. Just because some dads don’t pay doesn’t mean all dads don’t. I pay for clothes, school trips, cinema with friends, etc, sometimes so the kids don’t miss out. The children are our priority, they are not hers (even her mum says so). Holidays without the kids, doesn’t want them around at weekends now she has a boyfriend. I wish I was making this up, because it’s bloody heartbreaking. DSD has been devastated by her mum’s attitude.
My point is that it’s not just dads. Unfortunately sometimes one parent does not want to be responsible for their own children. As with all things, it’s SOME dads (or mums) who give them all a bad name. Heaven help kids who have both parents who are like that.

Maybe some don't pay (enough) because they struggle financially themselves? They still have to pay out for housing and some node of transport to go to work and other general living costs. Compare that with the single parents that receive tax credits and child benefit on top of the maintenance. Often, that parent is working pt or not at all... having a reasonable lifestyle. Compared to all the stresses of working life - the other side of the fence looks rosy.
Often, the NRP will also chip in with other costs like clothes, school uniform or expensive gifts like games consoles (this is often not acknowledged on NM).
So, there are 101 reasons why someone isn't paying besides being an utter disgrace to society.

PointedHorizons do you mean on this thread PPs saying they don't allow contact or on MN in general?

All in seeing on this is absent parents who haven't seen their dc for years. I'm guessing through absent parent's choice as opposed to resident parent not allowing it.

People men who do this are complete cunts, and ought to have the full weight of the law upon their shoulders.

It amazes me that councils are capable of sending bailiffs around if you neglect to pay council tax in warp speed - but don't pay for your children and not much happens.

I think it's pretty silly to have a baby with a man you might not even know, who isn't interested in parenting, owing to a contraception failure.

The US does indeed have deadbeat dads on lockdown, which is amazing - love the drivers license caveat. Brilliant.

My ex hasn't paid a penny for 9years now, and DS is almost 16yrs.
I get a bullshit letter every year from CSA, telling me I'm entitled to £0.
How, I don't know, as I thought even parents on benefits had to pay?
Amyway, ex has his own business, complete with its own huge site, so I'm not sure how they work it out?

Maybe some don't pay (enough) because they struggle financially themselves? They still have to pay out for housing and some node of transport to go to work and other general living costs. Compare that with the single parents that receive tax credits and child benefit on top of the maintenance. Often, that parent is working pt or not at all... having a reasonable lifestyle.

Setting aside the fact that the state is paying for the children in this case - it's a comparatively easy gig to look after one's self as opposed to a family of 4, which would presumably be the case before the breakup.

My exh used to pay £250 a month for his daughter (not my child). He has always paid me £100 for my son - flatly refuses to increase this and states he a. Can't afford it and b. Isn't prepared to fund my lifestyle. Despite no longer paying for his daughter, he still hasn't increased my DS's maintenance. Yes, he's an arsehole.

^My ex hasn't paid a penny for 9years now, and DS is almost 16yrs.
I get a bullshit letter every year from CSA, telling me I'm entitled to £0.^
^How, I don't know, as I thought even parents on benefits had to pay?
Amyway, ex has his own business, complete with its own huge site, so I'm not sure how they work it out?^

Good god. How is this even possible? Have you reported him for tax fraud? I guess this would be my first port of call.

According to Gingerbread:-
The majority of single parents don’t receive child maintenance payments

47 per cent of children in single parent families live in relative poverty, around twice the risk of relative poverty faced by children in couple families (24 per cent).
Yes there are decent men that do pay their way. Yes there are fathers that can't pay much because they are struggling. However, there is a massive group of men who can easily avoid supporting their children and happily take the opprtunity to do so.

Pretty sure my ex just think I enjoy working twice as hard and being 100% financially responsible for our kid.

paintedhorizons I knew a dad who was in a terrible situation. He and his wife went bankrupt (just massive overspending - I said to my OH there was no way on their salaries they weren’t in massive debt), they split. Wife gets custody of kids, finds private rental, paid for by HB. He had nothing. His BIL had a shop that he used to kip in the back of some nights, he stayed with his dad but dad only had 1 bed flat in HA and was only allowed overnight visitors on so many days per year. Went to council, told he wasn’t ‘priority need’, he points out that EXW won’t allow him to see kids without somewhere to live and he can’t do private rented with his credit record. Their response? A 🤷‍♀️. No idea what happened to him as I moved away from the area but I remember feeling really sorry for him.

@FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat whyareall do you mean your partner’s ex has to repay him back at £1 a month or the state for overpaid benefits? I only ask because child support and benefit payments are separate- one doesn’t affect the other so I’m not sure why she’s having to pay back anything?!

This has only been the case since April 2010 before that any child maintenance received was taken into account for means tested benefits such as income support or jobseekers so if it was before then & @Whyarealltheusernamestaken's DP's ex was claiming those benefits & not declaring maintenance then it would have been benefit fraud & she'd be expected to repay any overpayment of benefits to the government.

Because some people are just crap parents and don't deserve to have children. Some parents live with their children but neglect them or abuse them, so it's no surprise that when these types of crap parents don't live with their child that they couldn't care less about paying for what they need. They are selfish.

My ex husband won't pay for my DS because then he'd have to see him. He said that if he doesn't see him, he shouldn't have to pay for him.

The CSA won't do anything because he is self employed and fiddles his books so it looks like he's on an incredibly low income. He makes £3000+ a week.

What I can't understand is that the woman he is now with who has three different children by three different fathers and is always moaning about their lack of contact with their children can bear to be with a man who doesn't support his own child.

He absolutely will have made up "crazy ex" stories about me, how I've stopped him from seeing DS, how I've turned him against DS etc, but surely she can't be that thick? And even if I had, surely she realises that he could have taken me to court if I had done that, and that he should be paying for his child anyway?

At least I can be happy in the fact that I've done everything myself since DS was 2, with no support from him.

Charley Sadly most people without kids living with them, get little or no help if they are homeless.

I think people just don't realise how expensive kids are. They don't see the "invisible" costs - housing, food, utilities, school trips, after school clubs. So when the new DP sees the DCs in old trainers they think all the maintenance must go on nails and hair.

So many threads on here from new partners complaining about maintenance to the XW. It isn't for the XW -it's for the DCs. And if the XW has enough cash left over for Dubai holidays and Manolo Blahniks then they could give us all some education in money management! As for the stopping at 18 nonsense - how many kids these days are financially independent at 18? Not many. The reality is if the relationship with the other parent hadn't broken down then the NRP would still be maintaining the DC.

I have been told continuously how lucky I was to receive the amount of maintenance I did. It didn't even cover childcare costs.

It doesn't amaze me that bailiffs are sent quickly for council tax as it's a direct tax to pay for public services. Maintenance is payment between individuals.

My friend is a psychologist and has discussed with me how men are very good at compartmentalising their lives.I think what people are wondering is how can some men have no conscience. How can they detach from it all, I wonder how much this aspect influences this.

Some of the fathers on this thread are just awful.
And to the commenter complaining that ex is awarded too much with benefits, job plus £30k in maintenance - if their dad has to pay £30k in maintenance, he is very well off. And yes he bloody should pay it.

Mine pays the amount he thinks is fair rather than the amount the cms calculator says. He thinks I've got plenty of money and can't possibly spend that amount on dd so why should he pay more. He thinks it's irrelevant how much he earns- it's how much the bare minimum to cover dd's expenses that matters. He's no idea how much a teenager costs.

I'm referring to NRP as he because most are, no offence to women intended. Circumstances apply both sides.

Many NRP will be usually men who when the relationship breaks down find themselves trying to find accommodation they can afford. A single man turning up at the council will be ushered to door! Not everyone earns a good wage. HB for a single man is low. Help with finding accommodation is woeful. Up to age of 35 they will only get shared accommodation which is often then used to refuse access as it isn't appropriate for children to stay. No room for DC anyway. Accommodation big enough to have DC to stay is rare or too expensive. They still need to pay bills...they may only have a spare tenner here and there..
In an ideal world all men would have suitable accommodation and income where maintenance is then expected and feasible.

Maintenance is not included in the mums benefits calculations so she has a basic income plus then anything from NRP.
The flip side is NRP has to pay out of his benefits (yes only a token amount but on such a small income it will impact).

It is not a case of men being feckless, yes there will be some, but some will want to contribute but barely cope themselves.

There are always different situations and scenarios..
I was brought up by a single mother, my f disappeared one day never to be seen again, no maintenance.
My DS is a separated dad, he has MH issues (made worse by access issues) and barely copes lives in a bedsit (was homeless), his ex plays mind games and uses their DC as weapons. He would love to be in a position to pay regularly but his work is sporadic and often depends on whether he can afford to get to jobs (often across the country) He has to have money to give his ex when he sees DC or she drives off! He is trying to get access through court but has to pay for a solicitor as she uses the MH side to refuse access. Money that should be going to DC.

When they were married, DH’s mother used to buy him and his brother a lot of Ralph Lauren and other designer brands because they had the money.

Following the divorce they were virtually destitute as she used to stay at home and they were bankrupted by his innumerate failed businesses and had lost everything.

He started again with his new side piece with no financial responsibility and she was left with two kids and three jobs.

He refused to pay to court ordered £20 a month for two kids, as he never declared any income. When they asked him about it as adults his excuse was ‘I didn’t want my money spent on designer shit’.

Feckitall Men who are not resident parents need to work. If they are not working, the amount they have to pay is tiny anyway. Yes they may not have much money to spend on themselves if they pay maintenance, that is called putting your kids first.