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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why some parents refuse to pay proper maintenance?

389 replies

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:11

Yes I know, its because they are arseholes. I know that. But I still don't emotionally understand how someone cares so little about their own children that they refuse to pay maintenance, or pay as little as they can get away with. What this really means is you don't care if your child has everything they need.

OP posts:
Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 10:12

Yes some seem to think all maintenance should be used for kids clothes and extras. Anyone who has kids living with them needs a bigger house than if they didn't have kids. This means rent/mortgage, bigger council tax, water rates, heat and light, food. These all need to be paid for, and maintenance goes towards these costs. Then there are clubs, childcare, school trips, school lunches, all the extras for school, school uniforms. It all adds up.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/05/2018 10:18

whisky it was 2003 not 2010

My38274thNameChange · 14/05/2018 10:21

In DHs ex wife’s case, I’m sure it was because she knew DH and I had good jobs and a reliable income. DH says he doesn’t want her money anyway.

She quit her FT career to work part time in a minimum wage job, then had another child, pleads poverty but can still afford plastic bloody surgery and botox.

And she sees my step DC for overnights once every two weeks, although often has an excuse for not doing that. They’re brilliant kids and it’s just mind boggling.

Sometimes parents are just dead beats.

ImMissHannigan · 14/05/2018 10:27

My ex had our 2 girls 2-3 nights a week for ten years. In this time he had another child and struggled to pay the cm minimum. I let him off because he was a good dad and that mattered more.
2 years ago he met a woman and had an affair behind his partners back. Got her pregnant moved in with her and now has 4 children he can't afford. New partner has 3 kids already which reduces his payments to me. He has a second job (zero hours contract with the NHS so all paye). Last year he only declared his main job at £18k even though I kept telling CMS about his second job. At review time the tax declared he earned £40k and CMS adjusted his payment accordingly. He has appealed this and said as its 0 hours he won't be earning the same again. He hasn't paid a penny since January and is able to make the second job 'disappear' in the eyes of CMS. They have said unless he tells them differently they can only accept that he is doing zero hours (he earns more in his second job than his first!!). Even though the tax man has said he is earning more. Apparently he is legally obliged to tell them if he goes over 25% of his declared earnings. But guess what, if he doesn't tell them there is nothing they can actually do! In September he declared after ten years of a loving relationship with his children that he didn't want to see them again as he couldn't afford to support his new family and have the girls over. And that was that. He hasn't seen or spoken to them since. Nor paid for them. I know it is the new partner driving this, she was horrible to the girls when they went (that's another long and despicable post!). And he is playing the system as I have asked for an attachment on his earnings to get paid, even just something from his main job. But as he is appealing it they can't do that. So he can run up arrears and isn't obliged to pay until the CMS have established his actual earnings. So he takes his time, sends things in at the last minute and incorrect information, all so he can put off having to pay. So you would think he will eventually have to pay the arrears. Yes he will, but according to CMS he has claimed poverty and so can pay back £10 a month over as long as he wants. He wins every way except one. I have the most beautiful special girls that I cherish daily. And he is missing out on them. I just can't understand someone going from being a hands on loving dad to just disappearing overnight. One day when she cheats on him (she was married too) and he is all alone he will realise what he has lost. It will be too late by then. The kids will have moved on by then. Teenagers can be very unforgiving. Sorry for the long rant! It's good to get it out.

Shmithecat · 14/05/2018 10:28

Whyarealltheusernamestaken

Crunchy I hope you don’t mean me, I myself payed mum money, but there is a line and blackmailing contact is one. We never stopped paying, but the amount increasing was extortionate which was why we turned to csa, which ended up in her being convicted for benefit fraud. We didn’t know she wasn’t declaring

Child maintenance payments don't affect means tested benefits. She should have declared the payments but technically nothing would've been overpaid as regardless of the amount of CM, she'd have been entitled to benefits anyway. Was she also working but not declaring?

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/05/2018 10:29

I work with someone on a zero hours contract with low income and they take 40% of his income per month so by the time that's came off and he's paid bills etc he's nothing left to go see his daughter. He works more and they take more. He works every weekend so can't see her then. Due to where they stay he can't see before/after school so it's killing him.

But it's nearly summer hols and he should be able to get her for plenty of overnights.

His daughters mum isn't stopping him seeing her just money. They talk on the phone all the time and whatsapp. But not the same as being there.

Helpmeplan · 14/05/2018 10:32

crunchy what if they themselves do not reproduce but have step children to support. It is rarely as simple as exp leaves and lives with a childless woman or man, and those children also have to be supported. Additional income into the household normally means a reduction in tax credits if the pwc was an average worker.

Very unfair to penalise any party but it is also hard not to.

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 10:37

That is still a choice he has made. His existing children should come first.
Walrus It is clear he can't see his kids because he works weekends and lives too far away to see them before and afterschool. This is not money related. Maybe he needs to look at whether he can work towards moving closer to them.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/05/2018 10:42

if they themselves do not reproduce but have step children to support

Step children are the responsibility of their parents. Or are you suggesting it’s OK not to support your own children if others come into your life?

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/05/2018 10:46

Thats the thing though. From what he's been telling me he can't afford to move closer to his daughter. Not on his current job. He's been trying to get a full time job but there is nothing where he used to live.

When his relationship broke down he had to move miles away to get affordable housing.

I don't know how true everything is that he's telling me as he's a workmate but he does seem to be always messaging his daughter telling her where he's working that day etc.

DaisysStew · 14/05/2018 10:46

GrandTheftWalrus CMS rates are 12% of income for 1 child not 40%. Even for several children they wouldn’t take that amount.

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 10:47

Daisy Thanks. So either commenter is lying, or more likely the man is lying to her.

OP posts:
Roomba · 14/05/2018 10:47

I remember years ago when I was splitting from my ex and arguing over arrangements for our son. I was talking to my male boss about it as I needed time off to see a solicitor.

He sat down and told me that it was really hard when it got like this, and this was why, for his child's own good he had 'backed well away' from having any contact with his own young son when he spilt with his ex wife. In his mind, his ex was so 'crazy' that by backing off and allowing things to cool down, he was doing the best thing. He pointed out that he paid child maintenance and made a song and dance about how 'She gets £260 every month out of me! And no doubt spends it on all her failed businesses she's tried to set up and then can't be bothered to make work'. This was a man who was universally acknowledged to be a 'great bloke' who stood up for his female employees. He was earning well in excess of £70K +bonuses a year, and begrudged his own child £260 a month (damn sure his ex didn't know he earned that much by then). His struggling ex was clearly trying hard to make a future for her child with no support or childcare, but she was 'scrounging' off him!

My boss was basically saying that if my ex was any kind of a decent bloke he'd fuck off and not be heard from again - not really what I wanted for my son!

Some time later, boss bumped into his ex and abandoned son - now 17 - in ASDA. He was upset that his son glared and told him to fuck off when he approached them - obviously his ex had poisoned the boy against him Hmm.

Some fathers just don't see the responsibilities for their children as being theirs to jointly shoulder. It is (crazy) women's work - it's not even conscious in a lot of their minds, but it's there.

Mousefunky · 14/05/2018 10:54

My exh pays the absolute minimum he can get away with, he justifies it because I earn more than him. When we first separated he stalked my social media and would call me to bitch about things he had seen me buy claiming I was using ‘his money’ to pay for it Hmm.

Seemingly many NRP’s forget that when you separate and they move out, they give the resident parent money to help feed and clothe their DC. They like to tell themselves it’s for the RP’s handbags and haircuts Hmm.

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/05/2018 10:55

Like I say he's only a workmate so may be spinning the story for sympathy.

He said he's also got arrears to pay? So surely that means he didn't pay for a while?

I have no idea how it works tbh.

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 10:58

Walrus Yes maybe he can't actually be bothered seeing his child so is spinning it to justify his actions when people ask him about his child.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 14/05/2018 11:01

But when they both consent to sex without protection then the balance of control is 100% the woman's

No - he HAD the chance to have sex with protection - that was HIS control. If he chose not to then he acknowledges a pregnancy is possible.

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/05/2018 11:01

Yeah probably. Like I say I have no idea how it works so I just believed the 40% but a poster said they wouldn't take that much.

He is always on his phone to her though. So that bit is true.

Oswin · 14/05/2018 11:03

Yeah grand 40 percent means he refused to pay while working.
I cant believe someone on here is trying to use having stepkids as an excuse to not pay.
If i had a fella, if moving in together would mean he would stop paying or pay less i would tell him to sling his hook.
How low does your self esteem have to be to accept a man like that in your life.
The woman in these situations is a prick too. How can you think these men are worth a relationship. Its disgusting.

Newspeak · 14/05/2018 11:09

My DH pays a 1/3 of his income to ex. Could I do without that yes but would I be with him if he didn't pay it absolutely not!

flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 11:11

I don't understand why ex h's partner (who he is buying a house with) income isn't counted when if I were to move a man into my home (never going to happen) his income would be included in any calculations

because your child is not her responsibility?

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 11:11

My dad refused to pay maintenance to his ex. We had a much better lifestyle than his first kids. And yes even as a kid I thought less of him for it as did my two siblings. Kids notice this stuff.

OP posts:
Oswin · 14/05/2018 11:13

Flaming yet he will be able to take money from any maitenance for his stepkids. How is that in any way fair?

RipleyAlien · 14/05/2018 11:14

crunchymint I had a conversation with CMS this week and the figure of 40% is right. If the paying parent owes maintenance, owes arrears and is now on an “enforcement” action because of nonpayment, either deduction from earnings or a collect and pay, then CMS can take up to a maximum 40% of wages to pay towards the maintenance.

However, to get to the enforcement action stage means that the paying parent has been avoiding paying. And getting the CMS to pursue an enforcement action takes months.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 14/05/2018 11:14

flaming I agree but any new partner I should have is not responsible for my children either, their own father is.

That's what I don't understand.

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