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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

284 replies

lunchboxloony · 13/05/2018 23:33

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

OP posts:
CalF123 · 16/05/2018 19:37

@SoyDora

I wouldn't have spoken to them like shit, but I'd certainly have been annoyed if my stay at home DH hadn't carried out one of the 'duties' that were part of his 'role'.

Metoodear · 16/05/2018 19:37

Thing is your a sham not a maid and many husbands start getting the to confused

It’s not about if somone is at home or not it’s about being appreciated and a lot of husbands sadly think being sham is sitting around drinking tea and attending stay and play

I used to go weeks with out seeing asole not leaving the house Barr food shop and spending most of the day cleaning up the mess he had left for me eg shaving and leaving the fudging hair all over the sink all over the floor
Gathering up the pants left of the floor and by the bed

SoyDora · 16/05/2018 19:38

I’m so so glad we don’t live our lives like that. It must be miserable getting annoyed over things like that rather than just helping them out when they’ve had a busy day and you’ve had an easy one.

Metoodear · 16/05/2018 19:40

I remember my dh calling me a
Lazy bitch for not wanting to drive to Costco in Watford for one item loo roll we lived in west London at the time before the one their opened 😢
It’s not as if you have anything else’s to do yup so he can make his own lunch’s

Katialoo · 16/05/2018 22:29

I'm a sahm, I don't work part time like the op does. It would never occur to me or to my partner that I should be sorting out his lunch for work. When I worked, I made my own lunch. He manages to do his own. I think it's really strange the idea that a working person with a sahp should not be making their own lunch. Not getting at the op btw, just the views of a pp I find really strange.

Katialoo · 16/05/2018 22:30

Sahp meaning stay at home partner btw!

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 17/05/2018 15:31

A stay at home Mum is just that - a Mum to children. It's not your job to make your husbands life easier by doing everything for him. You're already making his life easier by doing the childcare for the children you had together and enabling his career to continue uninterrupted.

cathf · 17/05/2018 15:37

But he is making your life easier by earning the money so you can concentrate on the children. It cuts both ways.

ArtBrut · 17/05/2018 15:58

But he is making your life easier by earning the money so you can concentrate on the children.

I note a strange tendency among a minority of Mnetters to regard being a SAHM as some kind of privilege they've lucked out to be able to have. Which some people may genuinely feel, and good luck to them, but it's a bit of a stretch to think that everyone would find being at home with their offspring fulfilling, aside entirely from the economic and professional risks of stepping out of the workplace longerm.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/05/2018 15:58

cathf How is that making HER life 'easier'?
It certainly is not easier - at home.
I'm sure OP would love to be able to swan out of the house and do a job and earn money whilst her DH stays home and looks after the DC.
While she progresses her career and builds herself a nice pension pot and gets nice pay rises.
And the house is all clean for her, shopping done, dinner cooked, washing sorted.
Well.... maybe not.... But you get my drift!

Why do others assume this is doing the SAHP a 'favour' and making their life 'easier'?
Like hell is it easy.
You sacrifice yourself!
I lasted 3 months as a SAHM and I was back to work full-time.
I admire and respect anyone who can stick it out for longer than that!

Dozer · 17/05/2018 16:08

He is not “making her life easier” by WoH. They became parents, considered the options, and agreed that she would work PT, with OP taking almost all the financial and economic risk of that setup. He gets to be a parent and retain or improve his personal position.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2018 16:13

I do think there are some Instagram, mummy blogger, #blessed, Nigella types who don't understand that a lot of us chose to SAH for a while because the DC and the DH's lives would be made easier and took a bullet for the family.

I love my job, like progressing in my career, earn a decent amount, am respected in my field. DD needed me for a couple of years so I did it. Thank goodness DH understands it was hard for me. I'm not a natural housewife.

CalF123 · 17/05/2018 16:24

The OH is making her life easier by allowing her to stay at home and look after the kids. If he wasn't doing so, she'd have to look after the kids while also going out to work. The least she could do tot hank him is make his packed lunch,

expatinscotland · 17/05/2018 16:27

'If he wasn't doing so, she'd have to look after the kids while also going out to work. '

Hmm Only if you're married to a complete and utter twat. Otherwise, you both go out to work FT and split the childcare and lifework. There, that's sorted. A person does not owe someone thanks for providing all the childcare to enable the other one to work FT unencumbered, it's a service that people charge for, after all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2018 16:31

The 1950s called, they'd like their gender roles back.

Although in 1950 my DGM was married to my DGF, who knew how to cook, clean and care for children.

Dozer · 17/05/2018 16:37

OP wouldn’t be looking after DC for much of the day if she increased her hours to FT, and if she was the only one doing so the rest of the time that’d make her H a shit parent and partner.

Trinity66 · 17/05/2018 16:40

He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals

Oh dear.

Trooperslane2 · 17/05/2018 16:44

WTAF is WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

ATM I'm not working so am picking up more of the wife work and planning. However, I'm also not very well so DH has had to step up much more with DD.

It's a partnership - look it up in the dictionary.

OP, I'm honestly not having a go. I think it's really easy to get into these habits where you just get on with stuff and then think WTF?

E.g. DH loves a wee 'decompression' session when he gets in from work whereas I'm like - the washing needs hung out, the dishwasher needs emptied - why's the oven not on etc?

He's slightly better since DD came along and I started a big new job with tonnes of travel and massive stress.

Shadow666 · 17/05/2018 16:54

OP, do you really believe that he doesn’t hear you or take in what you say? Because I don’t. I think he’s deliberately ignoring you because he doesn’t like what he hears. It’s like when kids feign deafness when you tell them it’s bedtime.

Be careful. He may be playing nicey, nicey this morning but he has a disrespectful attitude towards you and that hasn’t changed.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 17:14

CalF123 you’re missing my point entirely (ignoring the fact that what you said it utter bollocks).
My point is that it doesn’t always matter what your ‘roles’ are. Sometimes it’s fine to deviate from those roles to help each other out. It’s kind. It doesn’t have to be so rigid.
A few weeks ago DH asked me to help him rewrite his CV and covering letter. I spent 2 hours doing it with him. I also provide a sounding board when he’s having issues at work and give advice (I used to work in the same industry). When he was doing a professional qualification I proof read his essays. I could have said ‘no, earning money is your role’. But relationships are about give and take. The same way that if I’ve had a busy day and DH has been sat watching TV, he’ll make dinner.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 17:14

If he wasn't doing so, she'd have to look after the kids while also going out to work

Err... why?

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 17:16

How would she physically be able to look after the kids while she was at work? It would be outsourced, no? And when both at home it would be split 50:50, as would be equitable.

CalF123 · 17/05/2018 17:19

@SoyDora

If someone's been out at work all day, why on earth should they then have to come home and make lunches and dinners when their partner's been sat at home all day?

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 17:27

What? You’re missing my point, again.
My point is, whatever your ‘normal’ roles and responsibilities are, sometimes it’s nice to just help each other out.
In this instance, the DH hadn’t been out all day while she was ‘sat at home’. In fact, completely the opposite. She had been out all day looking after the children/ferrying his mum around/doing chores while he had been sat at home. So why, in this instance, could he not make his own bloody packed lunch?
And regardless of what he ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ have to do, DH is more than happy to come home and cook dinner if I’ve had a crap day for some reason. Just because he’s at work, it doesn’t automatically mean his day has been tough.
And why after a day of looking after the children and doing the housework should I have to spend hours writing his CV? Because it’s nice to help people out, that’s why. Especially someone you’re supposed to love.
But this argument is pointless really isn’t it? OP should do absolutely everything for her ‘D’H because he is a wage earning god and she ‘sits at home’.

TwoDrifters · 17/05/2018 17:27

Don’t feed the CalF123 troll.