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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

284 replies

lunchboxloony · 13/05/2018 23:33

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

OP posts:
kindermog · 17/05/2018 18:34

@CalF123

But he didn’t refuse. He also makes them on Tuesdays when the OP is AT WORK, so he doesn’t refuse on that day.

He didn’t refuse to make his own supper.

It’s almost like he’s applying the “rules” to suit himself and making it up as he goes along for his own convenience.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2018 18:38

Oh, internet sites! Yep. You know some on those also think a woman's role in the home means she has to wear a burka to go out and marital rape is perfectly acceptable, too.

CalF123 · 17/05/2018 18:44

@expatinscotland

What the links show is that it's perfectly possible for a SAHP to complete all housework while also looking after the DC just by doing small tasks throughout the day and god forbid letting them entertain themselves . Eg:

7:10: Throw a load of laundry into the washing machine. A load a day keeps the chaos away. Just throw it in every morning. It forces you to finish it later.

and

I also know how important it is to teach them to entertain themselves, so she will go to her room for an hour at a time and just play with her toys while I get things done

MycatsaPirate · 17/05/2018 18:53

I don't work, I am disabled with a fluctuating condition that leaves me utterly bed bound at times.

So I normally make DP's lunch when I'm doing DD's, generally while dinner is cooking. It takes five minutes.

But he also knows that sometimes he will not only have to make the lunches but make the dinner, feed the cats and everything else when he comes home from work (like today) because I'm simply not well enough to do it.

He also takes his turn with the cooking at weekends. So I see it that we each do what we have time to do and I don't feel bad asking him to make dinner when he's just home (he also has at least an hour of paperwork to do after dinner) because most of the time I do it for him.

Perhaps your DH needs a kick up the arse.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2018 18:55

'What the links show is that it's perfectly possible for a SAHP to complete all housework while also looking after the DC just by doing small tasks throughout the day and god forbid letting them entertain themselves . Eg:'

What the links show is a person's opinion, and again, it's about housework, not making someone's pieces because they CBA'd

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 19:06

Yes of course those things are possible. That doesn’t mean they are law.
You talk about ‘roles’ and ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ as though all SAHP’s sign up to a universal set of rules governing what we do. Thankfully, that’s not the case. Making DH’s packed lunch is not my responsibility. Never has been, never will be. Whatever you think I should be doing with my time.

pallisers · 17/05/2018 19:07

But it's still completely at the DH's discretion, as she's effectively asking him to do her job. She can ask, and he should probably have done it, but it's still his choice to refuse.

what lives some people live. Imagine being married to someone like this. grim.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 19:08

Imagine being married to someone like this. grim

^ exactly.

cathf · 17/05/2018 19:19

I think the rules seem to be that the working parent is expected to do what the SAHP wants them to do, and the SAHP does what they feel like doing
Honestly, when did bringing up children become such a drama, requiring constant input from the SAHP?
Every SAHP I know is one because it is what they want to be - all this posturing about the grand and selfless favour they are doing for their OH is absolute rubbish.

mamahanji · 17/05/2018 19:22

CathF123

How about I'm a sahm because I earn less than childcare costs and me working would leave us broke?

Not because I'm 'so blessed' to be at home with two terrorists toddlers. And I have my wonderful, hardworking man to thank for that.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 19:23

cathf that’s absolute bollocks. I don’t make any drama out of being a SAHM. DH doesn’t make any drama out of going out to work. He does his thing, I do mine, and whatever is left we sort out between ourselves. The only ones creating drama are those who get annoyed at their partner for not fulfilling their roles.

Honestly, when did bringing up children become such a drama, requiring constant input from the SAHP?

Equally, when did going out to work become such a drama, needing such constant ‘support’ from their partner?

I don’t think I’m grand or selfless at all. I’m a SAHM because it currently suits us best as a family. All of us. Still not going to make DH’s packed lunches though.

PinkBassoon · 17/05/2018 19:24

I work two days a week. I do absolutely everything for my 3 dc and to keep the house clean and tidy (ish).
I do not make sandwiches for my dh or iron his clothes. He is a grown man and can manage to do these himself.

CalF123 · 17/05/2018 19:31

People do make a drama of being a SAHM, as seen from this thread. People claiming they don't have a second to do any housework because the DC take up every second of their day- it's ludicrous to say the least.

Pa1oma · 17/05/2018 19:31

Calf, I've been a SAHM for 15 years and we've always had a cleaner in several times a week. There is still more than enough to do, even now the kids are at school. So no, I don't ask DH to do anything when he gets in and I probably would do him a packed lunch if he needed one, but not if I was chasing round after toddlers all day and having to do cleaning as well. DH's day would be a doddle in comparison to that! It's not as if he's down a mine.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 19:34

People claiming they don't have a second to do any housework because the DC take up every second of their day

I must have missed the bit where people said they don’t have any time to do housework. I only saw people saying they don’t do every single bit of housework, cooking and ‘supporting’ their working partner.
Our house is as drama free as it could be. If I haven’t done any housework or put dinner on because we’ve been out all day, we split what needs doing in the evening. DH doesn’t kick off because I haven’t done what I ‘should’ do. Works well for us, we’re both happy. Kids are happy. All is well and drama free.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 19:37

It's not as if he's down a mine

And this. People talk about being at work all day as though it’s 12 hours of physical labour with no breaks. DH works in a nice office with a gym. Gets on really well with his colleagues. Does something he enjoys, and gets paid a hell of a lot for doing it. He’d be the first to say he has a pleasant life, even if he does make his own lunch.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 17/05/2018 19:49

Every SAHP I know is one because it is what they want to be - all this posturing about the grand and selfless favour they are doing for their OH is absolute rubbish

This ^^

I agree. Either because they don't want to work, claim they cant possibly be expected to leave their child (yet quite happy for dad to miss out) or don't want to pay for childcare costs.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 19:52

So what if they’re a SAHM because they want to be one? Their choice isn’t it? Just because they’ve chosen to do it, doesn’t mean they have to be responsible for every scrap of housework/cooking/cleaning/washing/meal preparation and childcare.

Pa1oma · 17/05/2018 19:55

Thanks for that analysis Boxsets, but it does also happen that two people decide to have children and guess what? He prefers to have a SAHW for whatever reason AND she is the type who doesn't want to leave the kids in childcare. It only works when both parents are on the same page. When that is the case, it's irrelevant what anyone else thinks.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 19:55

I’m a SAHM because after discussions, DH and I both decided that at this point in time it’s the best thing for our family. He isn’t being forced out to work every day while I ‘sit at home’ living the life of riley. We’re both happy with the status quo. Hes happy to make his own lunch.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 20:07

And the reason for someone being a SAHP is fairly irrelevant to the thread. Especially as the OP works part time.

cathf · 17/05/2018 20:14

It's not irrelevant though, because pps are starting to drag up the usual guff about how they would be a CEO by now if they had not made the selfless sacrifice to SAH.
No, their OH are not working down the mines, but equally they are not running a multinational conglomerate, just the home.
The contribution the working partner makes is airily brushed aside as if it counts for nothing, but actually, it's only because they sacrifice being at home that the SAHP can be at home in the first place.
Yes, it can be wearing, boring and repetitive, but it's the easier option by far.

SoyDora · 17/05/2018 20:22

because pps are starting to drag up the usual guff about how they would be a CEO by now if they had not made the selfless sacrifice to SAH

Who said that? Another post I missed.

Of course it isn’t dismissed as if it counts for nothing. His contribution is literally what we live off. Equally that doesn’t mean my contribution counts for nothing.
I do the majority of the housework, admin etc. But yeah DH sometimes runs the hoover round, or stacks the dishwasher, or cooks dinner. He’s happy to, because he’s an adult.

Who knows who has it harder/easier? Tough to quantify i guess. DH would (and does) say that he has it fairly easy. As do I generally. We both have shit days. And on those shit days we’re both happy to help the other out.

kitchensinkmum · 17/05/2018 20:26

Like many of us on here, you're a Mummy to a MAN CHILD