AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

[lunchboxloony]

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

You’re right TwoDrifters, I don’t know why I engaged at all!

However, I think we also have to acknowledge that being at home all day is easier and less stressful than being in an office for 10 hours

No way on gods green earth is being in a office for 10 hours harder than bein a SAHP. I’m not having that!!

@TwoDrifters

I'm not a troll- there's quite a number of posters on the thread who agree with my view.

Next time DH asks me for some work related help I’m just going to say ‘nah, that’s your responsibility, sort it yourself’.

@SoyDora

That's a different issue. It is his responsibility, but if he asked you nicely for some help, of course you should. In this case, The OP expected her DH to do something that was part of her role. If she'd asked really nicely, I'm sure he'd have been happy to oblige.

Oh FFS. Again, I’m really glad we don’t have this sort of formal relationship where we stick rigidly to a ‘roles and responsibilities’ list and ‘ask nicely’ for any deviation from it. We just do what needs doing. We’re both happy, we both have equal leisure time.

'If someone's been out at work all day, why on earth should they then have to come home and make lunches and dinners when their partner's been sat at home all day?'

Well, first of all, the OP works PT. And secondly, whilst at home, is looking after the kids. It's SAHParent, not SAHMaidofAllWork.

I'd get home for work and happily make us dinner when DH was a SAHP. I was going to have to feed myself anyway, going to work is not a Get Out of Life Free Pass.

@expatinscotland

Come off it, unless the DC are under 2, they don't need 24/7 attention. It's perfectly reasonable to expect the SAHP to complete housework as well as look after the DC.

Well I’m currently sat here MN-ing while FT working DH makes dinner. I’m 8 weeks pregnant and cooking smells make me heave, and he’s a nice person who doesn’t mind cooking dinner for his family.

Well, if I'd been running around like a blue-arsed fly all day on a weekend while my OH sat on his arse and did nothing and then got arsey if I didn't pack his sarnies - he'd have been out the door. Of course some people on here believe that SAHPs should not have any weekend at all... Them being kept wimmin and all.

So many apologists for lazy arseholes on this site.

'Come off it, unless the DC are under 2, they don't need 24/7 attention. '

Plenty of them do. And 'housework' that one can get through at such times can vary. I never expected my spouse to do All Lifework because he was a SAHD because I respected him and his role with our kids, because we work as a team and a family and because I'm an adult who doesn't believe that because I go out to work I have a Get Out of Life Free Pass. I love my husband, he's not my lackey, he's my spouse.

@expatinscotland

When DH was at home and I was at work, we were a team. But if he thought he could stay at home all day without doing the housework, he'd have had another thing coming.

Quick question, you keep referring to ‘sitting at home’ and ‘staying at home all day’... did you not take your children out when you were a SAHP? We spent a good 5-6 hours a day outside in the woods, or swimming; or at gymnastics or various other activities.

@SoyDora

Of course we did. We went to the library, swimming, shopping, the beach and many other activities. But that didn't stop me from doing washing and cleaning while the DC had lunch or a nap.

'But if he thought he could stay at home all day without doing the housework, he'd have had another thing coming.'

And AGAIN: a) the OP is not staying at home all day, she also works; b) I don't find making my pieces for lunch a compulsory part of housework. My h is not my lackey who's role is to serve every single non-employment function because I'm The Almighty Earner.

I was just interested because you have referred numerous times to being ‘at home all day’. It implied that you and your DH didn’t leave the house... because you wouldn’t be able to if you were at home all day would you?

@expatinscotland

Of course their role isn't to "serve every single non-employment function" but it is to do everything possible to support the working parent, which includes making all work lunches.

Of course their role isn't to "serve every single non-employment function" but it is to do everything possible to support the working parent, which includes making all work lunches

In your house and in your opinion. Not in mine, and not in expats, obviously.

@CalF123

The OP expected her DH to do something that was part of her role. If she'd asked really nicely, I'm sure he'd have been happy

From the OP:

While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and haven’t once made DH a packed lunch 🤷🏻‍♀️. He hasn’t complained yet (and has probably missed the boat now TBH)

Very good point kindermog

@kindermog

But it's still completely at the DH's discretion, as she's effectively asking him to do her job. She can ask, and he should probably have done it, but it's still his choice to refuse.

CalF123 where exactly are the ‘rules of being a SAHP’ written down? Can you point me in the right direction?

Nope, I, as a working adult, did not require my spouse to 'do everything to support me' because a) I'm an adult who has a responsibility to myself for my personal upkeep b) his role in childcare enabled me to go out and earn.

Wonder where her contract is, eh, Soy, now that we understand her DH is her employer.