AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

[lunchboxloony]

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

Pressuredrip This I had to put my fudging foot down as well dh was taking liberty’s so I stopped making him lunch he has time to
Sod off the the gym for two hours every evening so he has time to make lunch

'I struggle to believe that anyone on this thread would really be happy with a situation whereby one parent goes out to work all day, every day to enable the other to stay at home- only for the working parent then to have to come home and start cooking and cleaning!'

I was quite happy to get home from work and start mucking in with my husband and the family we chose to create together because I never once saw my working outside the home as a get out of life free pass and my H as a SAHP rendered me incapable of feeding myself or keeping our living space clean and tidy. I enjoy spending time with my husband and children, so looked forward getting home for work and playing with the kids whilst DH made dinner or having a glass of wine and putting on some music and getting dinner going whilst he played with the kids. We're a team, we work together. In adulthood, working is something you do, and all the lifework still has to get done. Imagine that?

@ Baubletrouble43

I have just made my OH packed lunch. I do this every evening at the moment yet I work full time as does he.
So what does that make me?

Its not fair though. Being a SAHM is not fair. You screw your career, your pension, your leisuretime. Then you are expected to do all the gruntwork.
OK maybe not in all cases but a little look on the relationships board shows how royally screwed women are when relationships end. Or they can't leave because they can't afford to. I don't have daughters but I'm certainly educating my boys that its not a woman's job to cater to their every whim.

This isn't about cooking and cleaning, though. It's about the OP's DH making his own packed lunch. It's hardly that difficult. It takes my DH only 5 minutes to do his, and he's never expected me to do it for him. If he doesn't have time he buys himself a sandwich at work.

I do the meals for the family, and the clearing up, whilst DH spends time with our DDs. If works for our family.

just as the person not working or doing a little is likely to have always had finaincial support from elsewhere rather than standing in their own two feet
Did someone really say this? Do they just assume that every one of us women who have worked our ass off in our jobs never have children? I’ve never earnt less than my husband and if I want to stay at home with children for a few years I will. But I won’t make dhs lunch. I’ll probably ask him to make the dcs once a week 😆. I will however bring up amazing children, which is the reason I’d be staying home.

Some of these replies are actually unbelievable. She isn't a stay at home parent she is a part time working parent. Me and my OH contribute exactly equally even if he works a few extra days more than me.
There is no way I would make his pack lunch. Unless he was super busy.

He comes in from work puts a wash load on. I make a home cooked tea and he cleans up after. His day doesn't end when he walks through the door and neither does mine. Its OUR house and OUR kids. If i didn't look after the kids he couldn't work. It's that simple.
I start my working day at 6am and get in at 9pm twice a week and both those times I make my own tea if I'm hungry when I get in. But sometimes if I ask (because I rarely eat at that time) he will make me something.
Because ya know we're adults we fend for ourselves and help each other.

I sometimes work weekends and so does he. So we split our weekends in the month fairly. So we get family time, and our seperate time. We never sit infront of the t.v and watch each other struggle because we work FGS how entitled is that!

Quitmoaning what does it make you? A better person than me, thats for sure! I'm guessing/hoping that the field is levelled out in your favour in other areas though? Doesn't sound like it in the ops case though.

I would LTB. I genuinely would. There is not a chance in hell I'd live a life with someone who thought of me as their maid.

Years ago MIL asked me if I make OH's packed lunch for him. I said no- if he had made it to his 20's without learning how to make a sandwich that's her fault! (We both worked full time when she asked- not that it should make any difference really.)

Nowadays he actually makes me a sandwich for work each day, while I'm getting the children breakfast, sorting school bags, getting uniforms ready etc. He works full time, I work part time, I do near enough all household chores as I'm at home more.

For someone who gets all his other meals made for him (bar him making packed lunches every Tuesday, whoop de do!) to throw such a strop when his spouse asks him, on ONE other occasion, to make his own, says a lot about his sense of entitlement.

SAHMs enable their WoH husbands to be parents AND work loads. The working man is facilitated, which benefits his personal work and financial position.

I remember a lady who went to a previous church telling me in all seriousness that her DH didn't even know what to do with an egg that had already been boiled. He couldn't work out how to turn that into an egg sandwich. There are men who really are that helpless.

her DH didn't even know what to do with an egg that had already been boiled. He couldn't work out how to turn that into an egg sandwich. There are men who really are that helpless.

There aren't, you know, unless the person involved has serious learning disabilities. This is an element in the recurrent cycle of learned and strategic male helplessness which is, bafflingly, also egged on (see what I did there? ) by some women, possibly as a coping mechanism for a very unfair distribution of domestic chores. It's nicer for them to believe that their husbands literally cannot see dirt, because to think otherwise would bring them up against the unpalatable truth that of course their husbands can see dirt, it just codes for them as 'My Wife's Problem', rather than something they have to do something about. See also 'my husband sleeps more heavily than me, so he doesn't hear the baby at night'.

Do you wipe his arse as well? He's an adult and can make his own food ffs.

I do agree with you, ArtBrut I meant they act as if they're completely helpless. But it's because they've been enabled all through their lives, first by their mothers and then by their wives. I can't be doing with that myself.

If you resent making your DH a sandwich for his lunch that much..Don't do it....

I've been a SAHM, and I now work full time. 2 DCs. DH has always made his own lunch and irons his own work shirt. There is utterly no reason I would run around like a blue arsed fly every morning sorting myself and/or the children when it's a partnership, and he is more than capable of fixing a sandwich for himself. He is not always the most helpful in the house(thanks MIL), but he is a grown up, and wouldn't expect me to get him ready in the morning!

It is always a mystery to me on threads like these why SAHP chose to be so in the first place.
I have been a full-time working mum (Inthe 1990s, before flexible working laws etc), a part-time working mum, a WFH mum, a SAHM and a self-employed FT working mum, and I can say without any doubt, the easiest deal is a SAHM.
Who are these people who at home all day yet go to the bother of separating their partner's washing so they don't have the backbreaking work of switching the washing machine on? Or who make two packed lunches but refuse to make a third?
In a partnership, does each partner not instinctively want to make life as easy as possible for the other one? Some of the responses on this thread read like family life is a business transaction, not a relationship.
I think if a woman was to post the same thread, most respondents would think it was entirely reasonable for the part-time worker to make the lunches on a non-work night, especially if that was the usual routine.
And, I do have to ask: if you are at home five full days a week, what on earth do you do all day if you are not doing housework, cleaning or cooking?
Even on MN, where being a mum is regarded as the equivalent to running a multinational company in terms of status and effort, surely I can't be the only person who thinks this?

I agrre with what youre saying cathf but i think for a lot of women it isnt the actual tasks, but the general attitude of their partners towards them that is the issue.

I wpuldnt separate washing (we both work ft) but i dont wash anything that isnt in the wash basket. Next to the basket? Left there. Behind the basket? Left there. Bathroom floor? Left there. It didnt take long for even the five year old to manage to get his clothes IN the basket.

Time to go back to F/T work OP.

I fully agree @cathf. I've also been a SAHM, and I definitely saw it as part of my role to make DH's life easier. I think it is absolutely reasonable for the non working parent to make lunches for their DP as part of that.

does each partner not instinctively want to make life as easy as possible for the other one?

Then why did the OP’s DH not want to make his wife’s life slightly easier on a day he’d been relaxing and she’d been doing chores/looking after the kids/cooking etc by making his own packed lunch? If I’d been on the go all day while DH had had a day relaxing in front of the TV there’s no way he’d kick off about making himself a packed lunch. Because he’s not an arse.

And regardless of whose ‘role’ or ‘responsibility’ something is, if at a point in time one member of the partnership is struggling, why on earth wouldn’t the other do something minor to make their life easier?

And also (final point I promise) to those who think the partner is in the right here.... would you have spoken to your partner like shit if they hadn’t made your packed lunch on one occasion when they were a SAHP? Or would you tolerate your partner talking to you like shit for it? Because if so I’m quite sad for you. It’s nice to be kind to people you love, even if they don’t fulfil their ‘responsibilities’ on one occasion.