AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

[lunchboxloony]

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

I've been a SAHM and I really don't think it's unreasonable to expect the non-working parent to perform all catering duties. I think he's already being very generous by doing it for you on one of your days.

Obviously, he shouldn't speak to you disrespectfully, but as I say, he probably just has certain expectations of your role at home and how it should support the rest of the household which at the moment aren't being met.

She works 2 days a week.

Do you have some difficulty with comprehension calF. Maybe your wife or mummy have been explaining things to you all your life so you can no longer comprehend by yourself

but we all know you're just another tedious goady fucker who thinks having a bit of a stupid laugh about a person's problems is just hilarious. I suppose at least the OP isn't married to YOU.

She's working part time - she shouldn't have to do ALL the house stuff as well. Fgs he's already shown he has absolutely no respect for what you do by that comment - I'd be looking at going back to a carer asap if I had that attitude to deal with. YANBU.

CAREER not carer!

@pallisers

I'm not a GF. All I'm doing is giving a different perspective based on my own years as a SAHP. I think if you asked the vast majority of SAHPs, they would prepare all meals.

Obviously, he shouldn't speak to you disrespectfully, but as I say, he probably just has certain expectations of your role at home and how it should support the rest of the household which at the moment aren't being met.

And if he were her boss, rather than her partner, he could do a performance evaluation. But since he's not her boss, he can shove his expectations up his arse.

I'd be going back to work and giving him 50:50 time with his children. And 100% time making his own lunch.

Well you sound like a goady fucker but ok, giving you the benefit of the doubt Cal.

She is not a full-time SAHP. She works 2 days a week. Did you not read her OP?

And I think if you asked the vast majority of SAHPs they would say that if their partner demanded they make their lunches and told them it was their job to do so they would say "fuck that".

Just because you wouldn't (and you might want to think about that) doesn't mean everyone else should be like you.

her husband was offensive and lazy. And telling the OP that - no disrespect but you should have done it because that is your job -- well tagging the old "no disrespect but" before that doesn't change the meaning.

If you share your home (and parenting) with another adult, even if you do have it all divided along traditional roles, you need to be treating one another with respect. It needs to have been agreed who has responsibility for what. And the one who earns a wage is not the ruler of the household.

@pallisers

If you worked in say a care home, for example, your role would include cleaning the home as well as preparing meals for the residents.

The job of a SAHP is to care for the children, as well as the home. That includes cleaning and preparing meals for the residents. I think your working DH/DW would have every right to complain if you weren't doing that, as the whole point of you being at home is to carry out duties like that.

Your boss at work wouldn't accept you not doing your job, so I don't think it's really any different for a SAHP. Albeit, obviously the working parent is not your boss as such.

"As such"? At all!

But she's not a Sahm though Cal

fair enough Cal. it is all transactional and a job. And the working spouse is your boss - despite you saying he isn't. Because in the working world only the boss gets to comment/review/demand/define the job. So your husband is your boss and you preform to his standards.

So if the working spouse fails to get a raise or gets a bad end of year review, does the non-working spouse get to tell him that he hasn't carried out his duties and is not doing his job? Because he has failed to up his contribution to the home?

Don't forget sick time, paid holiday and a union...

You're not a housewife though, are you, OP? You're a full time mother, that's your job. The chores need to be divided between you and your dp. He works fewer hours than you do.

@pallisers
I think that's a different issue, as performance at work is much more subjective. Promotions aren't just based on individual effort but also office politics, other applicants etc.

Whereas, performance in the home can be a lot more objectively measured really. Are the beds made? Has the house been hoovered? Has the bathroom been cleaned? Have the DC been taken to their activities? Have all meals been prepared?

All of those tasks have yes or no answers, so it's a lot easier to judge performance. It has nothing to do with a husband being the 'boss'. If the DW was working while the DH was at home, she'd have every right to expect the same standards.

CalF
Are you male?

Several posters have already pointed out that the op is NOT a sahp, but still you're going on as if she were.

Even if the op was a sahp, that doesn't make her a slave to the wage earner. It may mean that op takes care of the home and kids while the wage earner is out of the home, but it doesn't mean that she carries the whole burden of everything at every other time. (which she did all day today, whilst 'd'h was swanning around enjoying his leisure time).

Geez, I thank the Great God of fortuitous events that I raised my daughter on my own, when I read about men like this on here. I would have murdered the entitled and misogynistic CF before he'd had time to even raise his night time cocoa to his gobby mouth

Sorry but that is a really odd and sad way of looking at life.

X-posted!

@Godowneasy

Nope, as I said, I was previously a SAHM. I do agree to an extent about tasks being shared more equally at weekends. However, I think we also have to acknowledge that being at home all day is easier and less stressful than being in an office for 10 hours. So, I do think the balance should still fall on the SAHP. It might me nice if the working parent offers to, say, prepare dinner one night though.

right cal. I gave you the benefit ofthe doubt for a few posts. You are just hopping the ball. Why on earth you would do this on a thread where a real woman is dealing with a real issue in her marriage is beyond me.

I've done both and the absolute worst is what the OP does; part time work and full time 'default house elf'. Everything is your fault, everything is stressful and if you have a shitty partner, you're buggered.

Fortunately mine is a rock star and does more than his share.

Just because someone's family works in a different way to yours doesn't mean they're trolling. FWIW, my DH was also a SAHP for a while and I had exactly the same expectations of him. I don't think most people would be happy with a one-sided arrangement where one parent goes out to work, enabling the other to stay at home, and then comes home and does the cooking and cleaning as well.

When I was single I worked and did chores. When I had roommates I worked and did chores. When I'm old I'm sure I'll do chores. When DH and I loved together and had no DC, I worked and did chores. Why is it that parents (90% of the time men) are suddenly incapable of working and doing any chores when they have children (thereby creating MANY more chores)?

I did cook and do laundry when I was home with DD. But not all the cleaning and certainly not packing DH's lunches. I'm not his Mummy and he's not at school. FFS DD is 7 and mostly does her own lunches.

Oh and DH didn't enable me to stay at home. I enabled him to work without worrying about childcare.

However, I think we also have to acknowledge that being at home all day is easier and less stressful than being in an office for 10 hours

I don't have to acknowledge any such thing. My short experiment with staying at home was a misery. I hated it. Couldn't wait to get back to the office. Everyone was a lot happier when I did, including DH.