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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

284 replies

lunchboxloony · 13/05/2018 23:33

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/05/2018 17:46

You have to wonder who wiped their arses before they found a willing, cheap lackey. It's incredible, really, how many working adults are perfectly capable of feeding themselves and basic adult functions without the need of a support person but the second they get married and have kids, they are in need of a 24/7 lackey, for support.

CalF123 · 14/05/2018 17:47

@Soy

Obviously it depends on the age of the DC, but assuming they are at school that gives the SAHP at least 9am-3pm to do housework, shopping, admin, cooking etc. I wouldn't expect that to take 30 hours a week. So obviously, they are going to have 'downtime' within that 30 hours i.e. meeting friends for coffee. That's without even counting the hours after school where the DC could well be of an age to entertain themselves while the SAHP is getting on with housework or just relaxing.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 17:49

Ok so mine are 4 and 2 (both pre schoolers) and neither nap. Am I entitled to a day off under your SAHM rules?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 14/05/2018 17:49

You have to wonder who wiped their arses before they found a willing, cheap lackey

Likely their parent, just as the person not working or doing a little is likely to have always had finaincial support from elsewhere rather than standing in their own two feet.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 17:50

I’m pretty sure DH’s parents didn’t wipe his arse until he met me at 25. Or cook his meals, or make his packed lunches, or wash his clothes. He managed perfectly well working full time and doing all those things for himself, as did I.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2018 17:54

'Likely their parent, just as the person not working or doing a little is likely to have always had finaincial support from elsewhere rather than standing in their own two feet.'

Holy bollocks sweeping generalisations! But of course, there you go, every one of you SAHPs, you've never stood on your own two feet in your life, you have no bloody idea how blessed you are to wait on The Almighty Earner.

The OP explains she had a buoyant career before having children. I wonder if this is because she kept a house elf who made all her meals.

Hmm
CalF123 · 14/05/2018 17:55

@SoyDora

I'd say that given with your DC aren't yet at school, yes you should have a day off at weekends. But it's not just about 'hours worked' IMO- it's about the relative difficulty and stress of you role v your DH's.

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2018 17:56

but CalF123 none of that is relevant for this situation - OP had a very busy day and was struggling to fit everything in. She asked her partner to help. He said no and was rude.

Coupled with his attitude to money and making her pay out far more it does not paint a pretty picutre

SandyY2K · 14/05/2018 18:08

YANBU.
It's 100% my DHs responsibility to sort out his lunch at work.

The housewife comment would have driven me crazy, but I've only ever been at home while on maternity leave.

The problem is starting these things in the first place. You make a rod for your own back.

If I was marrying my DH today, I would do things very differently in some areas from the get go.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 18:08

just as the person not working or doing a little is likely to have always had finaincial support from elsewhere rather than standing in their own two feet

Hahahaha I missed this. I worked for 8 years as a higher rate tax payer. At some points I earned more than DH, so you could say I supported him financially. At the time of having children it made sense for me to become a SAHP. I stood on my own two feet just fine previously to that, thank you.

sixtimesseven · 14/05/2018 18:31

I think most of the these kinds of guys don't appreciate what their spouse does for them.

I foolishly made my XH lunches to save money when we first married and we were both working. After several months of doing so I went to get something out of his car one day....and found piles and piles of lunches thrown into the back seat of the car.

Never made him another lunch again....

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 14/05/2018 18:32

My DH is lazy beyond belief but make his packed lunch? No fucking way. Let him sulk...then starve. He's a piss taker.

BrownTurkey · 14/05/2018 18:37

Hmm he may have done a quick audit in his head and decided to lose this battle to keep his overall win. Monitor closely Grin.

StaplesCorner · 14/05/2018 18:53

I've noticed a growing trend on here for people to view opinions that differ from the majority as 'goady fuckers' - its not just a difference of opinion is it though CalF - you really seem to have it in for parents who don't work full time, like they are some form of lesser being.

Jaxhog · 14/05/2018 18:55

If it's too late for him to make them, surely its too late for you too?

CalF123 · 14/05/2018 18:58

@StaplesCorner

I've already said that both myself and my DH were SAHPs previously. I don't think they're "lesser beings". I just think there has to be an agreed set of tasks for the SAHP in order for the whole thing to work, which really ought to include doing everything possible to support the working parent IMO, including preparing meals.

StaplesCorner · 14/05/2018 18:58

Did people such as CalF notice that the DH was sat on the couch for much of the afternoon while the OP was doing a shtload of gruntwork and hadn't yet sat down when this row (preventable if DH had listened in the first place!) had erupted late in the evening???!!!!*

Yes I think they did - but in CalF's case (and that of a couple of others) they think the OP deserves to be treated like that.

Gonegirlfriday · 14/05/2018 19:01

9-3 to do housework must mean school starts at 9- (whatever the commuting time is) and again finished at 3+(whatever the travel time is). Or does the parent at home fly to school on the same fairy that makes all the lunches?
I work part time but was the higher earner before and could support myself fine without dh, if I had to.

StaplesCorner · 14/05/2018 19:03

No Gone - apparently, they are relaxing and having coffee with friends!!

timeisnotaline · 14/05/2018 19:05

If I were a stay at home Mum my children would be making their own lunch from high school on- I can’t imagine confusing them as they learn what I regard as essential basic skills by implying with my actions that their dad can’t make his own lunch. (I may well be a sahm then we just haven’t reached that stage yet. I accept that my two year old needs me to make his lunch. Dh makes his own)

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 19:07

which really ought to include doing everything possible to support the working parent IMO, including preparing meals

Again, in your opinion. Doesn’t make it the right, and only way.

CalF123 · 14/05/2018 19:16

I struggle to believe that anyone on this thread would really be happy with a situation whereby one parent goes out to work all day, every day to enable the other to stay at home- only for the working parent then to have to come home and start cooking and cleaning!

That seems like an incredibly one-sided relationship, and I'd have hit the roof if DH thought he could sit at home all day without even preparing meals.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 19:21

But that’s not what anyone has said, is it? I am predominantly a SAHM (although have started to do some freelance work from home). I have two pre schoolers. I do the majority of the cleaning/laundry/gardening/admin etc on top of full time childcare. What I do not do is everything. I do not spend my weekends doing housework/preparing lunches etc while DH gets to relax. I do not make his bloody packed lunches. We have absolutely equal leisure time, because my role in the family is equally as valuable as his.
He is currently cooking dinner. I am just about to get all the washing in off the line, fold it and put it away. When we’ve eaten, we will both relax together.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 19:23

And luckily, he’s not an arsehole and won’t ‘hit the roof’ because I haven’t cooked our dinner. I have more than pulled my weight today.

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2018 19:34

Again CalF123 though that is not what happened here it is - dont project. She had been busy all day and he had spent the evening in front of the TV. She asked him to help and he had no because it was too late (although presumably not for her).

That sounds one sided but on his part