AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

[lunchboxloony]

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

Just dropped in this morning to lend weight to those saying CalF has form, please don't poke the snake tempting as it is but instead lets keep discussing the OP's original post.

I wonder if the OP's DH is looking forward to lunchtime today ...?!

Looking forward to his empty lunchbox hopefully...

I found being a sahm infinitely harder work than even the hardest work. I've worked up to 22 hours in a day while working 7 days a week, I've managed staff, led teams, had physically and mentally challenging roles. I know what hard work is. Looking after a baby/child, running the house, being maid of all work etc etc was far far harder. No breaks, no solitary toilet breaks, no time.

Ask him when you get your rest? That was what worked with my dh, pointing out how much down time he had and then asking when I was going to get mine.

Thanks for the (mostly) supportive comments. To clarify - I wasn't being awkward not making him supper - I was rushing to get the DCs to bed as it was late, and they wanted a mini pizza (DD) and plain pasta (DS) - neither of which DH would eat. I often do cheese on toast later on a Sunday but DH obviously decided he didn't want to wait until the DCs were in bed. At that point we were all happy - and it was while all this was going on that I made the DCs packed lunches - which are totally different stuff from DHs, but I ran out time and so asked him to do his own. He agreed - but obviously didn't actually take in what I had said.

Furano I was so cross last night I seriously considered going back to my career and letting him pay towards childcare - but actually I like having time at home while the DCs are young so that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face, really. Tempting though......

And Boxsets I am not 'kept'. I paid for half of our house, and now put most of my salary into our bills account, whereas he pays £300 per month more into than I do but it's a far lower % of his earnings. I also do all his bookkeeping. I doubt he could get an accountant, cleaner, childminder, laundrymaid and cook for £300.

Anyway, he cuddled up to me in bed this morning - AND made his lunch before going to work, so hopefully he's realised what a plonker he was !

Totally agree the OP shouldn't have to make his packed lunch.

But I must say I am often surprised by how many people on MN say that being at home with dc all day is as hard or harder than being at work. I found being at home with a baby and toddler a piece of cake compared with being at work. I'm a teacher. Two of your own children (whatever age) compared with thirty at a time of other people's children - no bloody contest!

it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night

Make them in the morning then you lazy bastard.. is what I'd say. It takes literally 5 minutes to make some sandwiches. He can get up 5 minutes earlier and be on his way. However, I do think kids should also be making their own lunches once they can.

Suppose it depends on the children doesn’t it? I’m a SAHM to two pre schoolers (4 and 2) and it’s really really easy... now. When they were younger (19 month gap) it was frankly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Neither slept (DD1 was up 3-4 tines a night and DD2 every 40 mins for the first 6 months of her life), DH worked away, DD1 didn’t nap and DD2 would only nap on me, and I was miserable.
Piece of piss now . Still don’t make DH his lunch though.

Get non-sliced bread and cut it really badly so his sandwiches all fall apart. Out of date crisps, slimy lettuce, over-ripe bananas, rice cakes.. there are many ways you can make a pack lunch shit. Have fun!

Quantitative elements of SAHM:
DCs woken, dressed, fed and got to school on time
Beds made
Laundry done
Kitchen cleaned
Bathroom cleaned
Laundry dried and folded/ironing done
Laundry put away
Bins emptied
Bills paid
Food shopping done
DCs collected from school on time
DCs supervised doing homework
Dinner made
DCs and DH fed dinner
Kitchen cleaned
etc
etc
etc

QUALITATIVE elements of SAHM role
DCs loved
DCs supported going through any upset or issue of the day
DCs taught how to make decisions (starting with which 1 of 2 choices of tshirt to go with Mums choice of trousers - to getting their own outfit for the day to packing for a weekend away - it's a long process to teach)
DCs taught how to do chores
DCs taught social skills (pleases, thank yous, how to make conversation, how to make friends, how to deal with problems....)
DCs taught organizational skills
DCs given opportunities to get involved in activities outside the home/school (whether day trips, outings to park, zoo, clubs - and a mix of trips for learning, just for fun or regular groups/interests other than family)

All that on top of the fact that OP is actually NOT a SAHM, but a PT WOHM mom who happens to be able to be at home more than her (D)H and thus provides much of the actual parenting for them.

Did people such as CalF notice that the DH was sat on the couch for much of the afternoon while the OP was doing a sh*tload of gruntwork and hadn't yet sat down when this row (preventable if DH had listened in the first place!) had erupted late in the evening???!!!! Does SAHM mean a role where you are never entitled to slow down at all or get time to yourself, regardless of what other time off others in the household get? Or not expecting them to pitch in on even looking after themselves, let alone supporting their DCs that THEY helped to create?!

Your dh could have been nicer - he was rude in what he said, but..

I work 5 days a week part time, dh works 5 days full time.

I do the cooking, cleaning, washing, hoovering, dusting, polishing, ironing, mopping, beds, lunches, windows, shopping, garden etc.

It's my job.
It doesn't take long.
It works out fair.
It means dh has his evenings to himself.
It's my pleasure.

If you're pressed for time, make a big batch of food in the pot or slow cooker. You can freeze it for times when you can't be bothered cooking/need an easy meal.

Prepare all lunches on a Sunday night so they're ready for the week.

Keep on top of your housework.

Manage your time better.

It's not hard if you're only working 2 days a week.

Oh, I got so mad I forgot to include that the quantitative elements of being an "at home" parent may be those that can be measured, but it is the qualitative ones that are not easily measured but are, in fact, the priceless parts of rearing DCs (whether you are an "at home" parent or WOHP and doing it around that work).

Arrgghhhh....
These friggin' blokes.
I'd like to get them to book 1 weeks holiday and in that week have to do everything the SAHM has to do.
I lasted 3 months on mat leave before I needed to get back to work for a 'rest'
And I only one child!

Its interesting though that it seems he expects you to do it but keeps a lot of his salary to himself

Wait what?? He is like this but you don't even have joint finances?

I would give him the same as the kids this is the only way making someone else's sandwiches make sense.
I certainly think he should be cooking at the weekend.

I agree with little that making meals for DC and DH/DW is part of the 'job' of a SAHP. If you keep on top of your housework and plan your tasks throughout the week, making your DH's lunch shouldn't be a problem.

Yabu woman! Get ye to the shoppe and buy some nice sandwich fillers for thy dh. I’ve heard Felix and Caesar are 2 good brands to make nutritious, delicious sandwiches.

I also do all his bookkeeping. I doubt he could get an accountant, cleaner, childminder, laundrymaid and cook for £300.

That’s the problem.

Anyway, he cuddled up to me in bed this morning - AND made his lunch before going to work, so hopefully he's realised what a plonker he was grin!

Ah! All sorted then.

I have been with my partner for nearly 33 years and I have never made a packed lunch for them or done any of their ironing. Not that I'm lazy but don't think "wifework" came with the relationship.

aged and jog

I paid for half of our house, and now put most of my salary into our bills account, whereas he pays £300 per month more into than I do but it's a far lower % of his earnings.

Errrrr how is this fair?

That financial arrangement does seem unfair, and I'd be putting a stop to that.

There are so many things wrong here, but he basically lost any sympathy from me at took them and his Mum to church

He can take his own fecking mum to church, can't he?!

@CalF

So for instance would you say that because my other half works 5 days (in a office job) a week and me two (as a nurse 12 hour shifts) that he should effectively get to switch off more than me?

Nah!
We have 4 kids and because of the nature of my job I do most school runs. He isn't about for that. He picks up once a week.
I do nearly all of the cooking and he does nearly all the laundry. He takes half the extra activities as do I, and the rest of the time I look after a demanding 18 month old.

If he ever complained about food, he would cook his own indefinitely, because I'm not his mother and he would have to cope single.
So no! I certainly don't pack him a lunch and I definitely won't do the majority of the cleaning. We share it! We take turns to have down time..

That's a real relationship. Not the shite you are spouting! She may as well be a life slave. Sometimes being at home is ALOT harder than sitting with friends and working in the office. Atleast you can have a wee in peace.

This woman has clearly sacrificed her career to raise their children and believe me 12am, 3am, 5am night feeds is a dam sight harder than getting a sound nights sleep and going to a job you love. Only to come home and have dinner ready. She should be shown some real respect from this man. She is working a job while keeping their home and children ticking over!

for you OP

If it's too difficult then go back to work full time & put the kids into nursery/get a child minder.

Extra money coming on = extra money to be spent on childcare.

Then the housework is shared.

It's your choice to be a sahm for most of the week.