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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

284 replies

lunchboxloony · 13/05/2018 23:33

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

OP posts:
CalF123 · 14/05/2018 02:32

@SenecaFalls

You might have hated it, and fair enough. But it is an objectively easier role than going out to work.

sofato5miles · 14/05/2018 02:33

This all boils down to the old fashioned misogyny of man being boss, woman his chattel. It is iincredibly demeaning, I would be genuinely hurt.

I work sporadically and usually take a contract for six months of the year. And those six months are chaotic but they do keep DH fully plugged in. When I am not working yes his domestic responsibilities decrease but he also knows what it takes to run our home, so is respectful if he would like me to do something.

Your DH has lost respect for you and expects you to serve him. That would make me hate him, because if the roles were reversed he still would do it. This is ego driven, not role driven.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2018 02:34

But it is an objectively easier role than going out to work.

That is pure bollocks.

Godowneasy · 14/05/2018 02:40

@CalF
I do agree to an extent about tasks being shared more equally at weekends
Haven't you just contradicted yourself massively here? The crux of your initial comment was that the op should do ''all catering'' all of the time, because she was a sahm (which she's not as she actually works outside the home two days a week)

However, I think we also have to acknowledge that being at home all day is easier and less stressful than being in an office for 10 hours.

No, we don't have to acknowledge this at all. We don't know where the balance lies with each family. Depends on how much housework, how many children, their ages, their needs and how high maintenance they are. An office job (and many other types of jobs too) isn't necessarily very stressful at all, nor are they for 10 hours a day, so your statement doesn't really stand up to much scrutiny.

In fact, I've heard many women say that the days they go out to work are easier and less stressful than the days spent at home with the children.

sofato5miles · 14/05/2018 02:57

If being the SAHP was the easier deal, don,t you think more men would do it?

Dontforgetyourtowel · 14/05/2018 05:54

Don't listen to Calf. (S)he tends to side with cheeky fuckers...

Shoxfordian · 14/05/2018 06:18

You've spent so long doing everything for him that he now feels entitled to it. Break the pattern op and let him make his own lunch.

rwalker · 14/05/2018 06:24

Sorry but you have got everything out you are already making sandwiches and you leave him out to be honest comes across as spiteful to leave him out . If on the other hand you weren't making any packed lunches then fair enough you are not there to wait on him so it would not be unreasonable to tell him to make his own.

Baubletrouble43 · 14/05/2018 06:32

I would never make a grown mans packed lunch . Ffs.

Isthisit22 · 14/05/2018 06:34

I’ve read a few posts recently where Cal comes on with the opposite opinion to everyone else and really kicks the OP when they are down.
This one is not too serious but some of the threads are women being abused and at the end of their tethers.
It is sick! Wish she would be banned

Baubletrouble43 · 14/05/2018 06:34

Alternatively rwalker he has to make sandwiches for himself so why doesn't he make the kids too??

Veterinari · 14/05/2018 06:37

But it is an objectively easier role than going out to work.
But the OP is going out to work Hmm

I think it would be helpful to advise on the actual situation not the imaginary one in your head! OP works a 0.4 week plus does ALL the child-related tasks, cooking, cleaning etc. It appears DH works a full time week and does fuck all else.

It’s not a fair division of labour and even if it were the entitlement and disrespect he’s shown her by

  1. Not listening when she told him to make his own lunch
  2. Acting all surprised/offended when he realised she hadn't Made his lunch and
  3. Deciding it’s too late for him to make himself lunch but not too late for the OP to do it because she doesn't matter.

Is the main issue here. It’s entitled and unpleasant

LeeLooDallasMultiPass · 14/05/2018 06:39

I have been a SAHM for over a decade and this isn't about packed lunches it is about the lack of respect from her Dh and the expectation that she is somehow responsible for all duties within the house.

If I was making packed lunches for the children then I would do one for Dh but the difference being, he has always been a full hands on Dad, looked after me by making meals, never once complained that he had done a full day's work etc

At the weekend Dh does all meals for all of us. I do it in the week, however, I do have a medical condition that means I can be very tired. He will come home from work and just make dinner. He makes sure I am okay and that the children are too.

You need a sit down talk with your "D"h and work out why he thinks you are his mummy. Grin

Lovelydovey · 14/05/2018 06:52

Not your job to make DH lunches at all. DH and I both work.

In our house whoever is in earlier makes the kids lunches for the next day. Maybe once a week or so we make a lunch for the other, if there’s something in the fridge we know the other would particularly like. But not expected and never requested.

OreoMini · 14/05/2018 06:57

I have never made my partners pack lunch and I work part time!

NapQueen · 14/05/2018 07:00

Did i read right that he had a lazy day and you had a manic one and the fucker didnt even make you an supper when he sorted his own?

Suresurelah · 14/05/2018 07:04

This isn’t about a packed lunch it’s about respect!

Instead of making supper for you both, he decided just to make his own. Whilst you were busy cooking/organising the children, he sat back and watched TV.

Yes, you may very well have been ‘making lunches for the children and making one more wouldn’t make a difference’. But that’s not the point.

Next time OP, either you both make the lunches together or he makes himself —and doesn’t storm off like a sulky manchild—

Suresurelah · 14/05/2018 07:04

It himself (I should have said)

strawberrypenguin · 14/05/2018 07:06

I think you've got 2 different issues here. Your DH not pulling his weight at the weekend (YANBU)

And in the circumstances you describe not making his sandwiches (YABU) I make DH sandwiches in the morning as I'm also doing mine and the kids. To make an extra barely takes any time at all.

Angrybird345 · 14/05/2018 07:08

Sahm won’t do their partners washing whilst they are working full time... sorry but that is lazy! They are working 40 hours a week and you can’t shove clothes in a machine!! Wow!!

TammySwansonTwo · 14/05/2018 07:11

You might have hated it, and fair enough. But it is an objectively easier role than going out to work.

This is possibly the least objective opinion I’ve ever heard.

Nope. I had an extremely high pressure demanding career - long hours, tight deadlines, staff to manage, huge workload, travel, etc and it was significantly easier than being at home and taking care of my twins.

Parky04 · 14/05/2018 07:12

YANBU. My DW has never made me a packed lunch and we have been married 22 years! I'm perfectly capable of making/buying my own lunch. She has enough to do sorting out the kids lunches.

ErictheGuineaPig · 14/05/2018 07:13

I think cal's initial post says everything about how she feels a relationship should work when she talks about a husband 'sending' his wife back to work. So I guess it depends if the op wants that kind of relationship.

Really for me it comes down to everyone having a similar amount of downtime and on this occasion the DH had spent the day doing his own thing and the evening chilling while the op was rushing around. Therefore he can indeed make his own bloody sandwiches.

Longdistance · 14/05/2018 07:14

I once made my dh his sandwiches as usually he makes them. He was maiming ad his colleagues wife made them. He then moaned when I made his as he didn’t like them. I’ve never made him a sandwich since.

Op the next sandwich you make your dh should be knuckle sandwich for that wank response.

Namesallgone18 · 14/05/2018 07:15

Well you're not a sahm for a start, you work part time. And you are not being unreasonable. You even asked him, ffs. Hope you can make a change here OP