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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

284 replies

lunchboxloony · 13/05/2018 23:33

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

OP posts:
bellsbuss · 14/05/2018 07:19

I'm a SAHM and I do all the shopping , cooking, cleaning and make OH's packed lunch everyday. I do this because I choose to and OH works incredibly hard for us and our 4 children. We both appreciate what each other does and it works for us. If I've had a bad day or just feel tired , he steps up and I don't have to ask. He will cook or a get a takeaway for us all , sort out the younger ones and make his own lunch.

CocoaGin · 14/05/2018 07:31

OMG I could kill my DH over making lunch! I work with him 3 days a week. On those mornings, he gets up, sorts himself out and drives off to work. I on the other hand walk and feed the dog, make the bed, put washing on and hang out, empty/reload the dishwasher, open all the curtains and take something out of the freezer for tea..... and make both of our lunch. It's really starting to piss me off, frankly, but he'd starve rather than help. The scales do not balance and it needs to change.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 14/05/2018 07:34

It's very petty to refuse.

You only get to be home not working for the bulk of the week as he's picking up your financial slack. A packed lunch isn't much to ask for in return. Some want to be kept and do the bare minimum like precious snowflakes.

C0untDucku1a · 14/05/2018 07:38

My husband makes all my packed lunches. And most evening meals. I cant abide thinking about food prep. We are both f/t though and we have different jobs.

Your husband’s attitude is the problem here. He is very disrespectful.

Do you still need to be so part time or could you go back to the career? There does seem to be resentment and that will rot the marriage. Best to be prepared and not left in a position youre ao far behind career wise.

Furano · 14/05/2018 07:40

Might be time to go back to your exciting and rewarding career. DH sees you as the hired subservient help now with a much lower status then him.

MrsLaurac · 14/05/2018 07:42

Yanbu to refuse, I somehow once upon a time got roped into making my husbands and now its not expected as such but usual. It annoys me and i moan about it but to be fair he does do a lot so i do it. I have no children and work ft. However if your making your children's how much more effort is it really to make him a sandwich?

Jammydodger81 · 14/05/2018 07:45

What bullshit boxsets. On the flip side of your argument DH was able, through his wife doing the majority of childcare, and all other cooking and cleaning, to have a lazy Sunday. And it sounds like this translates to the rest of the week too. Making his own packed lunch isn’t too much to ask for in return, no?

zzzzz · 14/05/2018 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeiTeNgeNge · 14/05/2018 07:58

He's being a tosser. No more packed lunches until he treats you and your time with respect. When I was a SAHM looking after my CHILDREN I didn't make DH a lunch unless I had time/was in the mood/was asked nicely...because he's an adult. Now he makes the kids lunches each morning and...shock, horror, his own as well!

OreoMini · 14/05/2018 08:00

BoxsetsAndPopcorn what utter crap! It’s petty not to get off your ass and make your own lunch while your wife has had a busy day and still doing stuff and you have been doing jack shit all day!

43percentburnt · 14/05/2018 08:05

Far easier to go to work! My job is very stressful, hours are pretty long, never take lunch. Mentally it’s pretty tiring. But fuck it’s easier than being at home with 3 under 5. My sah husband does a great job and I appreciate it. He’s not a second class citizen who should work 24 hours a day, he’s equally important.

I want his life to be enjoyable too. I don’t have to worry about childcare etc but maybe many husbands wouldn’t worry about this anyway as regardless of whether their wife works, childcare isn’t their problem!

BrownTurkey · 14/05/2018 08:09

Ask him to take a survey of his family members and workmates and see who thinks his demand is reasonable. Or better still, offer to survey his family and friends yourself.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2018 08:12

Wouldn't make him another packed lunch again.

timeisnotaline · 14/05/2018 08:19

I can’t beleive only one person has commented that the ‘dh’ only made himself dinner and not the op!! That would be a major row in our house about selfish twats, and it would be a given I wouldn’t make any lunch for someone like that. Agree there is a major attitude problem the op needs to sort out with her dh. I couldn’t accept this line that it’s my
Job, nor could I accept the minimal contribution her dh makes even on weekends.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 14/05/2018 08:23

However, I think we also have to acknowledge that being at home all day is easier and less stressful than being in an office for 10 hours

Bollocks.

Yes, there’s a division of labour. But that does mean that respect and flexibility go out the window.

You asked for help and he refused.

He got up to make his own supper and didn’t think of you.

His attitude is the problem.

TheGirlOnTheLanding · 14/05/2018 08:35

Surely the normal thing is for the parent who is at home to do more housework when they are at home and the other parent is at work but when both are home, the work gets shared? I just can't imagine my DH (or any of the husbands of friends I know) expecting a 24/7 workload from their partner, or calling them a 'housewife'. I work p/t so in reality this means I pick up most of the cleaning, shopping, laundry, house admin etc because on the days I don't work, the kids are at school for a good chunk of it, so I have the time, but mealtimes and mornings we share the work because we're both here and we're partners. When the DC were small I often did less housework than I do now on my days off because they needed more attention, and there was no way DH would sit watching telly while I caught up with cleaning at the weekend - he'd do his share. I think you need a serious chat about how you both see your role and how demeaning his attitude is, not only for your own sanity but because you want to model healthy respectful partnerships to your kids.

FrangipaniBlue · 14/05/2018 08:41

The job of a SAHP is to care for the children, as well as the home.

You've hit the nail on head there @CalF123 - because nowhere in that sentence does it include being a hand maid to a cheeky fucking husband!!

I work for myself and I've recently been lucky enough to take a few months off between contracts, so yes I am doing all the housework, preparing meals, washing dishes etc etc as I'm at home all day on my own. I did similar when I was on maternity leave after having DS.

BUT I have never and will never make DHs packed lunch for him. Fuck that shit, he's a grown man and I am not his mother!

I pulled him up at the weekend because while I don't mind tidying up after things like family meals, I shouldn't have to tidy up when he has for example made himself a meal while me and DS are out, nor should I have to tidy up his general crap that he's just left lying around - in this house if it belongs to you then you put it away when you've finished with it.

He agreed he'd been a bit of a lazy twat and will sort his shit out.

A happy house is about balance and about being grown up enough to have an adult conversation when things are out of balance and certainly not one person being a slave to the other.

@lunchboxloony for what it's worth I think you have bigger issues than sandwiches, like 1) the cheeky fucker asking what was for supper then just making his own without thinking about you but 2) you were making the DCs supper and nothing for you or him and from what you posted sounded like you were a bit snippy but probably justifiably at the the end of your tether.

I think you and DH need to have a sit down conversation and air all about what's working and what isn't and what's making you BOTH happy and what isn't.....

You know those threads that begin "what was the last straw that made you leave?" I think it would be really sad for you OP if the answer was sandwiches Sad

Kahlua4me · 14/05/2018 08:42

There doesn’t seem to be much give and take or support going on. I think it’s odd that dh made himself something to eat without thinking of anybody else. Couldn’t you have all eaten together? Then you wouldn’t have to make yourself something so late at night and there would be more sharing of tasks, ie you could cook and he could clear up.

Why were you making dc packed lunches and then ordering their school dinners for next few weeks?

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 08:49

I've been a SAHM and I really don't think it's unreasonable to expect the non-working parent to perform all catering duties. I think he's already being very generous by doing it for you on one of your days

Balls to that. I’m a SAHM (well I work very part time from home) and not once have I made DH a packed lunch. In fact he does at least 50% of all the cooking. Absolutely fine if the agreement is that the SAHM deals with ‘catering’, but if DH was ever to tell me that he was doing me a favour by preparing himself a meal I think I’d just laugh at him! (He would never say that).
I’m a SAHMum, not SAHWife. I do the majority of the laundry/housework etc as I am physically at home more, but my role is not to cater for my husband’s every meal.

Pressuredrip · 14/05/2018 09:16

If you worked in say a care home, for example, your role would include cleaning the home as well as preparing meals for the residents.

Not true though is it? Most care homes and nurseries for that matter, have cooks and cleaners. The OP's job is to care for her children when her partner is at work, not be a skivvy.

Baubletrouble43 · 14/05/2018 09:34

Yeah I've worked in a care home. Didn't do any cleaning or cooking. Just personal care. There were cleaners and cooks they were separate jobs.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/05/2018 09:40

How the fuck do so many women end up in these ridiciculous situations were they’re living with a grown adult who baulks at the idea of feeding themselves? Seriously?? What sort of shit standards are you setting for yourselves when picking partners?

RedPanda2 · 14/05/2018 10:06

He sounds awful. Why do men expect their wives to become their mothers?

Rania1 · 14/05/2018 10:25

OP, I can relate to how you're feeling. I think it depends on the wider context of your relationship and if this is a one-off or the norm. Does he make you feel valued in general?
It's so easy when you are a SAHM (and you are not) to get into habits that are hard to break. My husband is a contradiction in that he's more than happy to have a cleaner in three days a week (even though I'm a SAHM and have been for over 10 years). On the other hand, he has the expectation that I will make him all food and drinks if he's at home. He has been known to say to me, "You are a housewife, behave like one". We have 3 children and I've have been very upset on occasions by this kind of high-handed attitude. He has apologised afterwards and we kind of worked through it, but such entitled attitudes are hard to shift, I think.
I would say you need to sit down with your husband and actually write down what you did yesterday. Tell him you feel devalued by his attitude. Hopefully he will compromise and see your point of view. Good luck!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/05/2018 10:30

He has been known to say to me, "You are a housewife, behave like one".

He’d only say it the once to me.