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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should make his own packed lunch?

284 replies

lunchboxloony · 13/05/2018 23:33

Why did I ever do it? When we bought our house DH was busy building the extension and I sort of got into the habit. Since then had two DCs, left full time well paid career for part time (2 days) local flexible job but still am full time mum and housewife, cooking, cleaning,etc.

Today I got up while Dh was still in bed, got the children fed etc, took them and his Mum to church, came home and cooked a roast lunch, cleared up, collected DD's friend for play date, did a few jobs round the garden, took friend back about 6.30. Dh meanwhile took DS out for the afternoon with a friend and did their hobby, got home about 7pm and then sat in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I fed the DCs, DH said what's for supper and I said 'don't know, am just sorting the DCs for now'. He then got himself something I think, I wasn't really thinking about him. While DCs were eating I made their packed lunches and then as I put them to bed I said to him - 'I'm really busy at the moment, please can you make your own lunch for tomorrow'. He said OK. (he has a history of never listening to me - this may have been an example of that!). When the DCs were in bed I then microwaved something for my supper, and while waiting I went into the sitting room with menus etc to order their school dinners for the next couple of weeks. It was quite late by then - maybe 9.30. DH yawned and said he might go to bed, so I said 'don't forget your sandwiches'. He acted totally shocked, said he never heard me mention it and it was far too late to expect him to make them at that time of night, and anyway he does them on Tuesdays (when I'm at work!) so it's totally ridiculous that I should ask him to make them in a Sunday as well. Now - I have said on numerous occasions over the years that I shouldn't have to make his lunch - but I suppose I have been stupidly soft and just done it. Anyway, this time I said tough - if you don't it's not my problem - and he just stomped to bed without making them. He said I am a housewife and I should make everyone's meals - I am just sooooo cross - please tell me IANBU?!

OP posts:
CalF123 · 14/05/2018 16:12

I agree with LittleMermaid as well. A lot of people seem to think being a SAHP simply means looking after the DC and perhaps doing a little cleaning here and there.

I think it(and in my house it did) involves a much broader range of tasks that really all come down to supporting the working parent a much as possible, as well as looking after the DC and house. Supporting the working parent for me would certainly involve making lunches for days they're at work.

I can see that on non-working days though i.e. weekends, the working parent shouldn't be responsible for all meals, although I think the vast bulk of the other household tasks at those times should still be the responsibility of the SAHP.

AnathemaPulsifer · 14/05/2018 16:26

I paid for half of our house, and now put most of my salary into our bills account, whereas he pays £300 per month more into than I do but it's a far lower % of his earnings. I also do all his bookkeeping. I doubt he could get an accountant, cleaner, childminder, laundrymaid and cook for £300.

Why does he only pay in £300 more than you when you only work 2 days a week and spend the rest of your time looking after your shared kids and doing his accounting? What does he do with all the rest of his salary?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2018 16:31

My role was SAHParent! Not housewife. Therefore the role was the welfare, care and wellbeing of my DC. Not 'supporting' my DH, what with him being a fully functional adult.

Cleaning and cooking, if it was within working hours and didn't take away from my actual role (sahp) all great and absolutely expected (by me, not him). Making packed lunches? Why? He's a grown up, he can buy or prep his own.

BlueSapp · 14/05/2018 16:32

He's a *, he'll soon start making them when he's hungry!

Lizzie48 · 14/05/2018 16:34

DH and I have been married for 15 years and I've never once made his packed lunch, it's never occurred to him to ask me to do it. I think it's probably because he was used to doing things for himself having lived alone for some years. He has his own ideas about what to put in his sandwiches, so he prefers to do them himself anyway.

That's such a lazy attitude and a horrible thing to say. Hmm

Cuckooclocks · 14/05/2018 16:37

Wooow! I’m flabbergasted. YANBU.

halfwitpicker · 14/05/2018 16:44

If i were you i'd be returning to work, pronto.
And I wouldn't be impressed with his cuddling tactics in a morning.
Church? Fuck that.
He can make his own butties.

halfwitpicker · 14/05/2018 16:45

What does he do with all the rest of his salary?

^^

Spends it on sandwiches from Boots

Lunde · 14/05/2018 16:49

It's a pity that CalF123 has such poor reading comprehension skills and keeps referring to OP as a SAHP. It is clear that OP is a working parent and contributing a significant chunk of the family budget and a greater percentage of income than her DH's contribution.

Personally OP I think your DH is getting away with contributing far too little both financially and practically.

Crispbutty · 14/05/2018 16:54

I confused as to why the OP was making packed lunches for her children AND ordering their school lunches for the week as well.

Pa1oma · 14/05/2018 17:05

CalF123 - can I ask why you have such definite opinions on what the OP should be doing? Are you are SAHM yourself? Are you male or female?

I've been a SAHM for many years. DH doesn't need packed lunches, but I do cook for him the rest of the time (though we tend to eat out at weekends). I also have a cleaner a few times a week, so housework is mainly tidying, although I do all laundry, beds and take his shirts in. I do most stuff relating to the children, though 2 are secondary age now.

However, I would most certainly NOT be doing most of this if -

a) I was working two days a week
b) He refused to have joint finances

No way! Men can't have it both ways and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 17:06

I think it(and in my house it did) involves a much broader range of tasks that really all come down to supporting the working parent a much as possible

Well that’s key isn’t it. In your house it did. Not in mine, and not in many other houses judging by this thread. You stick with what makes you happy, I’ll stick with what makes us happy.
Out of interest, do you think the DH should have more down time than the OP?

Also... she’s not a SAHM.

CalF123 · 14/05/2018 17:07

@Pa1oma

I am a woman who was previously a SAHM for 2 years. My DH was also a SAHD for 6 months, so I had exactly the same expectations of him.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 17:15

I am a woman who was previously a SAHM for 2 years. My DH was also a SAHD for 6 months, so I had exactly the same expectations of him

But they were your expectations, and his. There is no set definition of a SAHP. It certainly doesn’t work in my house how it does in yours. That doesn’t make us ‘wrong’.

Plus the OP isn’t a SAHM.

SunshineandRain18 · 14/05/2018 17:17

Yeah but @CalF123

Again!! OP is not a stay at home parent!

CalF123 · 14/05/2018 17:20

@SunshineandRain18

She is a stay at home parent for the majority of the week, so should have the same duties as any other stay at home parent on those days. Weekends are a bit more blurred with a SAHP working part-time, so I think she could perhaps have either Saturday or Sunday 'off'.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 17:22

I think she could perhaps have either Saturday or Sunday 'off'

Doesn’t matter what you think though does it? It’s not your house.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 17:23

Out of interest, do you think SAHP’s should generally be on duty at weekends while the working parent has the weekend off?

Dozer · 14/05/2018 17:24

He is a “facilitated man”. Stuff that.

TheFlannelsAreBreeding · 14/05/2018 17:25

This is the third thread today (and more than that this week) where I’ve seen CalF123 arguing against the majority and having it end up be a debate focused around her. I’m getting the impression she enjoys it.

Back to the OP, I think that you’re doing way more than your fair share. Time to re-balance, if you can (easier said than done, I know).

bastardkitty · 14/05/2018 17:30

I would never make his packed lunch ever again. But then again, if I was a Mumsnet moderator I would ban CalF123 for being a goady fucker. Until then, I'll just keep reporting it.

CalF123 · 14/05/2018 17:38

I've noticed a growing trend on here for people to view opinions that differ from the majority as 'goady fuckers', which is really quite concerning. If you look at other threads I've commented on, I do agree with the majority sometimes.

Anyway, yes I would say that SAHPs do tend to have more 'time off' during the week than working parents, so they should be 'on duty' to support the working parent at weekends. Obviously if the SAHP does work on some days, they shouldn't be on duty as much at weekends.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 17:38

So a SAHP never gets a day off?

expatinscotland · 14/05/2018 17:44

No, Soy, they are the handmaiden of the Almighty Earner because of course, nothing matters as much as money.

SoyDora · 14/05/2018 17:44

the handmaiden of the Almighty Earner

I’m going to use this on my CV Grin