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Original poster

To wonder why people stay Mrs after divorce?

312 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 13/05/2018 19:03

Linked to the other popular thread (which I apologise I have not been able to read all of, so this may be repeating somewhat...) I’ve often wondered why some women chose to remain known as Mrs after divorce. Even if they want to keep their surname, why the title?

(No judgement on anyone who does this btw - just genuinely curious).

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 14/05/2018 00:16

I'm recently married and a Ms everywhere- started changing from Miss on passports, drivers licences etc as they came up for renewal when I realised that I wasn't going to change my name on marriage. My MIL (still married) is the same. We'd both find the content of certain posts above quite amusing.

It's rare that I see my title anywhere but work correspondence (most go for Ms anyway) and bank statements.

I watched a friend go through a really acrimonious divorce to an absolute arsehole- the rigmarole she went through to change back to her MN showed you'd need to be really quite bothered about it to incur the hassle and deed poll etc. I can see why people can be quite "meh" about the prospect, and that's before you get to the fact that "Mrs" is often used as a sign of respect/formality.

Actually just realising that some of the work-letter writers might be having a bit of a dig with the "Ms" usage....ah well, fuck em Grin

MsGameandWatching · 14/05/2018 00:25

It's quite rude I think.

That's not your husband anymore and it's no longer your name. It's a holding tactic as they're too weak to move on.

What utter crap. I want the same name as my children, that's it.

AmazingPostVoices · 14/05/2018 01:46

*It's quite rude I think.

That's not your husband anymore and it's no longer your name. It's a holding tactic as they're too weak to move on.*

Snooty that’s an astounding attitude.

I’ve been married nearly half my life.

My professional reputation has all been built in my married name.

Only a handful of my current friends ever knew me by my maiden name, that vast majority have only ever known me as “PostVoices”.

My children have the name “PostVoices”.

As I said before, I’m happily married and have not intentions to divorce but I can see nothing weak about a woman who chooses to retain an identity that she’s had for many years, shares with her children and is known by professionally.

It is her name, legally and in every other way.

terfinginthevoid · 14/05/2018 06:57

User, I am not 'embarrassed to be single'). (I'm not single, just not married).

I object to the existence of titles for women which denote our marital status, as if that is the most important thing about us. Unmarried adult women adopting the title Mrs is a more effective way of subverting that than using Ms.

JenBarber · 14/05/2018 07:01

I went back to Miss, didn't realise it wasn't the done thing.

I didn't want to change my name, abusive exH made me.

Got divorced at 24 and wanted to pretend it never happened. Was never bothered about having the same name as DS. Am always surprised at how important that is to people.

LustyBusty · 14/05/2018 07:17

I would probably stay Mrs after a divorce because quite frankly, I don't give a shit what honorific people use when addressing me. My name is Lusty Busty, and I answer to Miss, Miz, Ms, Mrs and (thanks to O2 who failed to change it for 5 years!!) Mr Busty. I am amusingly known to a number of customers as "Mr Lusty" and "Sir" too. Even on the phone when I am unmistakeably female.

As a previous poster mentioned about email addresses and someone's private life being played out in their email address changes, I go by my "born" name and certainly professionally I have no intention of changing that whether by marriage, divorce or deed poll.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 14/05/2018 07:31

Women keep the title of Mrs (or Ms)post-divorce by convention, because there used to be huge prejudice against unmarried mothers. A mother who favoured "Miss" as a title would be presenting herself as having had her child "out of wedlock".

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 14/05/2018 07:35

I used to be a bit Hmm about DH's XW keeping his surname and Mrs, because I thought that I should now be (the only) MrsCoat, but as I've got older and had my own dc I've realised that it doesn't actually matter, and I certainly wouldn't want to have different name from the dcs if we divorced. I may use Ms, but wouldn't change my surname.

If I ever remarried (unlikely) or had dcs (no chance), I would still keep my name, and any subsequent dcs would also have my name (so, yes, technically what would be my exh's name 🤷🏼‍♀️). Like pps have said, it's MY name now to do with what I choose.

Newsofas · 14/05/2018 08:35

“Jenbarber that is sad that you say that your ExH made you change your name. Just shows how abusive and controlling he was as ultimately it was your name. I can’t imagine how he forced you to change your name as ultimately it had nothing to do with him. Hopefully you are in a much better happier place now.

myfriendbob · 14/05/2018 08:44

Calling yourself Mrs when you have never been married is just very odd. As I said, I have never known anyone do it. And it suggests that someone is embarrassed to be single

How do you know?

swipex341 · 14/05/2018 08:51

I kept my Mrs cause I feel like I earned the stripes when I was married 😂

I just prefer it in honesty.. I don't want to be Miss. Also pisses ex hubby off as he doesn't understand how I can still be Mrs if I'm not married. Also can't be bothered with changing everything.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/05/2018 09:40

I'm Ms if anyone asks (and confused as to why it should be considered difficult to pronounce!) but if anyone calls me Mrs I'm not too fussed. I kept the name, why wouldn't I? I legally changed it on the occasion of my marriage - I didn't become entitled to the name only because of being married, it's a choice I made and I did the paperwork to make it happen. At the time of divorce I had spent the same number of years married as I had single. Given that those were the more recent years - and that the married name was commoner and easier to spell - I made a choice not to do the paperwork to legally change it a second time. If by some strange set of circumstances I were to marry again ain't gonna happen I still wouldn't change my name now.

reallyanotherone · 14/05/2018 10:33

I legally changed it on the occasion of my marriage - I didn't become entitled to the name only because of being married, it's a choice I made and I did the paperwork to make it happen

Yes. But to point out marriage inequality again- your “paperwork” is producing your marriage cert and informing everyone of your name change. The “legal” document is the marriage cert.

If a man wants to take his wife’s name. The marriage cert is not recognised. He must change his name by deed poll. When he informs his bank, passport office of his name change on marriage, it is the deed poll cert he has to produce. A female does become entitled to change name simply by marriage, a man doesn’t.

Why is that? Why doesn’t a marriage certificate have the same legal standing for a man?

It is these small things, like the fact a man doesn’t have to reveal his marital status to next and british gas. We learn the lesson that marriage is a much more important event for women.

Pisses me off.

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/05/2018 10:40

My ex said to me i had to change my married name to my maiden name, told him no i wasnt. I want the same surname as my 2 daughters and i couldnt be arsed to have to change it.

TheEmmaDilemma · 14/05/2018 10:42

Can't be arsed to change everything (with the included expense) back to maiden name. Everything says Mrs, so I just kept it.

I don't feel an need to state I'm divorced. Does cause some confusion when I'm Mrs X and Partner is Mr B though, but eh...

JacquesHammer · 14/05/2018 11:07

That's not your husband anymore and it's no longer your name. It's a holding tactic as they're too weak to move on

Really, really not. It is the name I started my business with though - and now the name I'm known with throughout the industry I work in so it seems futile and a waste of effort to revert to my maiden name.

Lots of posters can't be bothered to change their name back. If it's so much bother why do it in the first place?

Maiden name difficult to spell/pronounce. Wanted a go at having an "easy" name Grin Wasn't particularly a hassle at the time in that all the places I changed it with could do it in branch in the same city. I now live elsewhere with no local branch of the bank. Really not a big fan of effort for effort's sake!

MumofBoysx2 · 14/05/2018 11:12

A strong pull would be to keep the same name as their children.

MaiaRindell · 14/05/2018 11:21

I always thought I'd change my name as soon as I was divorced, but I can't be bothered, especially with my passport which I'd have to pay for. I might change my name when it expires. I might change when the kids are older. I may never get round to it.

purplelass · 14/05/2018 11:28

I went back to 'Miss' and my maiden name. The more I can do to wipe ExH out of my life the better.

dogzdinner · 14/05/2018 11:38

I don't know that many divorced women, but I don't know any that still call themselves Mrs. Until I read this thread, I had no idea that people did that. To me, if you're called Mrs then it I'd assume that there is also a Mr - and that you are married to him.

I started calling myself Ms as soon as we separated and went back to my maiden name once the divorce was completed. Ex is now getting re-married, it would have been very strange if both me and his new wife were both Mrs Hissurname

Anniegetyourgun · 14/05/2018 11:51

That's a fair point, reallyanotherone, though I was just sticking to the theme of why women don't rather than whether men should. I agree it should be just as easy for a man to change his name on marriage as a woman. Hopefully we'll get there one day.

reallyanotherone · 14/05/2018 12:04

Ex is now getting re-married, it would have been very strange if both me and his new wife were both Mrs Hissurname

I didn’t find it any wierder than having the same name as my mil.

Another reason i kept my name :). Even though dh’s ex remarried very quickly and is now mrs newhusband- and did ask dh is she could change the kids names so they could “all have the same name”. Umm no.

There are so many blended families and name permutations these days i think most are used to it. Certainly my dc’s schools have never had an issue with it and have always manages to address us correctly.

Those of you who kept the exes name to be the same as your kids- what will you do if they change their own names on marriage? Keep a name that ties you to an ex but not your kids?

moodance · 14/05/2018 12:05

I do wonder for the woman who keep the ex's surname name; if they remarry would they take there name? And the name which they wouldn't give up due to DC doesn't matter anymore.... now that's a real question all lined up for the psychologist lol

I find it interesting that divorce woman keep Mrs ... especially if the ex has remarried I guess that's a way of saying me me me I was the first xxxx

I never thought of Miss as being childish especially when some professions such as medical, law uses the term Miss.

I do believe Ms is more app for both married and non married ladies.

(Personal opinions and not stating the above as fact)

JacquesHammer · 14/05/2018 12:08

I do wonder for the woman who keep the ex's surname name; if they remarry would they take there name?

Slightly moot as I'm never going to marry again, BUT yes I would keep my name - it would still be the name I have built my professional standing with - so changing again (whether back to maiden name or to new husband's name) has the same end result - hassle!

AmazingPostVoices · 14/05/2018 12:15

To me, if you're called Mrs then it I'd assume that there is also a Mr

But what about widows? No one would expect them to revert to Ms?