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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people stay Mrs after divorce?

312 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 13/05/2018 19:03

Linked to the other popular thread (which I apologise I have not been able to read all of, so this may be repeating somewhat...) I’ve often wondered why some women chose to remain known as Mrs after divorce. Even if they want to keep their surname, why the title?

(No judgement on anyone who does this btw - just genuinely curious).

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 13/05/2018 22:37

I like Miss for young & Mrs for older woman, but at what age would that occur? 18, 25? It’s a bit arbitrary.

Chasingsquirrels · 13/05/2018 22:47

As cardibach said in the 1st reply;
"Because that’s what my documents all said, that’s what I’d been called for years and I don’t much care whether people know my marital status or not."

If I were to go back and redo my life with my time-aged brain as it is now I would not have changed my name on marriage. In fact I didn't change it initially but did after a couple of years and I'm still not really sure why, probably because we were then contemplating children.

In fact, having divorced and stayed with Mrs Name (my name - because that's what it was by then, even if it came from his name initially) I then remarried and didn't change it again, I've stayed as Mrs (1st Husband) Name.
My 2nd husband didn't appear to be bothered by this at all, but who knows what he really felt.

TwitterQueen1 · 13/05/2018 22:48

Snooty "That's not your husband anymore and it's no longer your name. It's a holding tactic as they're too weak to move on."

PMSL at this. Hysterical.

I've kept my married name because I really CBA to change everything.
I have a boring maiden name - if it was interesting I may have reverted, although it's always been important to me that I have the same name as my children.

All my friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, children's friends know me by my married name.

I don't have any points to prove to anyone. My surname is not important to me but if I reverted I guess I would have to be Miss or Ms maiden name. I don't like either and that would not be a true reflection of who I am.

And if I'm being really honest, I get a tiny bit of gratification because
I suspect it pisses my ex off!

SenecaFalls · 13/05/2018 22:51

I also think the whole Ms business was a massive mistake by feminists in the 1970's - if every young woman then who objected to female titles denoting marital status had just used Mrs, the use of 'miss' for adult females would probably have died out by now.

Well, the practice of using Ms was started by feminists in the US. Ms is now the default title for adult women in the US, especially in professional settings; it would be especially unusual for an adult woman to be known as Miss. Even teenagers use Ms. So the adoption of Ms has worked as intended in the United States.

user1490607838 · 13/05/2018 23:00

Eh? confused Are you winding us up? You call yourself Mrs when you've never been married? Is it because you want people to think you are married? Why? Are you embarrassed to be single?

@myfriendbob

No reason she shouldn't. Lots of single women were historically called Mrs as a sign of respect, housekeepers, cooks, shopkeepers etc were always Mrs married or not, and before that all women were called Mrs/Mistress as it simply meant adult woman, with no indication of marital status.

Nope. Not in this century. (Or in the second half of the last one!)

Calling yourself Mrs when you have never been married is just very odd. As I said, I have never known anyone do it. And it suggests that someone is embarrassed to be single.

myfriendbob · 13/05/2018 23:00

Ms originated in the 17th century, it wasn't invented by feminists in the 70's!

SenecaFalls · 13/05/2018 23:05

Its origins are older but it had fallen out of use. It was intentionally resurrected in the 1970s by American feminists.

Rollonweekend · 13/05/2018 23:14

After divorce you're not a Mrs though.

You're a Ms or Miss despite keeping your ex-husbands surname for your personal reasons.

user1490607838 · 13/05/2018 23:23

No - when you are divorced you are still a Mrs.

OvergroundWomblingFree · 13/05/2018 23:25

I'll be keeping mine the Mrs and the OvergroundWomblingFree part

The surname I may have got from exH but DS has it too and I want to stay the same as DS. If I was allowed to change both DS and mine to my maiden name I would but that would cause a lot more upset to people so I will deal with having the bastards surname, nothing to do with being rude or unable to move on pmsl at a poster suggesting that 😂

The Mrs - if i have to keep the bastards surname, why fuss to change that. Can't be arsed.

If I remarry I will probably be annoying and hyphenate us all.

SleepIsForTheWeek · 13/05/2018 23:28

Going against the grain here but I reverted to Ms Maiden Name the day my divorce came through. It was a messy divorce and I was so glad that I was no longer attached to him and removing his name was really significant for me. However, the paperwork side of things remains a pita a year and a half on. No DCs though so I guess it was an easier choice to make.

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 13/05/2018 23:38

I’d revert back but we double barrelled anyway so I would still share one name with my children I assume that’s the reason

Belindabauer · 13/05/2018 23:40

I am Mrs ex husband's (and mine for that matter!) Surname.
I kept my name because my children asked me too. It was important for them to have the same name as me, and as they won't change their name if I marry my dp.
I refer to myself as first name - surname. If anyone asks e.g. For paperwork I tell them I am mrs.
I'm not changing my title it is nobody elses business and I believe that all adult females should be referred to as Mrs.

Rollonweekend · 13/05/2018 23:47

No - when you are divorced you are still a Mrs.

but doesn't Mrs mean married?

altiara · 13/05/2018 23:47

That's not your husband anymore and it's no longer your name. It's a holding tactic as they're too weak to move on.

But it LEGALLY is my name and it is also my name because I USE IT as my name!!

Honestly, when you get divorced, you don’t revert to being a child again and have to give your surname back and take Daddy’s again. That just makes women’s lives seem a bit shit because you don’t own your own name. WELL YOU DO - ALL OF THEM!
Use your multiple names wisely!

PinotMwah · 13/05/2018 23:48

I really struggle with this...

I don't want to keep Mrs because I'm delighted not to be Mrs any more. I don't like Ms because it sounds stern and sanctimonious and I don't know how to pronounce it. It would be faintly ridiculous, in my mid-40s and with a child, to call myself Miss.

I try to avoid it where possible.

But it pisses me off that in this day and age its impossible to have a one-size fits all gender pronoun that isn't tied to your marital status. Any bloke, whether he's a 50 year-old virgin or has been married five times, can be Mr and no-one gives a tinker's cuss about his status.

I also think the bunfight on here about whether you have the "right" to keep the name Mrs is undignified and says a lot about how we've all internalised the idea that being married somehow confers respect on you.

I might invent a new non marital related female gender pronoun. Any ideas?

Rollonweekend · 13/05/2018 23:53

@pinotMwah

ha ha. you have said it very well ! sorry I don't have a solution!

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2018 23:54

No idea.
Originally I chose the term Ms as I couldn’t stand Miss. Once married I retained Ms (along with maiden nameSmile). If I get divorced I will still be the name I was before marriage and during marriage. Problem solved!

SenecaFalls · 14/05/2018 00:03

but doesn't Mrs mean married?

It's an abbreviation for Mistress, as is Ms and for that matter, Miss. It's too bad that since the 17th Century, different abbreviations of the same word developed to differentiate based on a woman's marital status when no such differentiation arose for men. If titles are going to be used, then there should just be one for all women, no matter their marital status.

FASH84 · 14/05/2018 00:03

DH and I both double barreled, he doesn't have more rights to his name than I do and vice versa but we would like our children to share one family name. We've both retained our maiden names at work as we both have professional reputations that we've worked hard for and don't want to be disassociated from. I'm still miss on all of my work paperwork , hotel bookings etc, it doesn't bother me, because I don't care if people think I'm married or not. I agree with the age related titles rather than marital status, I also don't like Ms. It looks like an abbreviation but what is it short for? Miss is miss and Mrs is missus. If anyone knows I would genuinely like to know.

SenecaFalls · 14/05/2018 00:05

I don't know how to pronounce it

Miz, rhymes with Liz. Not that hard, really.

SenecaFalls · 14/05/2018 00:08

I also don't like Ms. It looks like an abbreviation but what is it short for? Miss is miss and Mrs is missus. If anyone knows I would genuinely like to know.

They are all abbreviations for Mistress.

FASH84 · 14/05/2018 00:09

Has anyone else heard of Mx as a gender neutral title, how would you pronounce that?

FASH84 · 14/05/2018 00:10

@senecafalls historically yes, but in modern usage they confer different meanings and I'd rather not be known as mistress anything! 😁

SenecaFalls · 14/05/2018 00:11

Also "missus" is just a pronunciation of mistress that arose sometime in the 16th- 17th centuries.

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