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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why people stay Mrs after divorce?

312 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 13/05/2018 19:03

Linked to the other popular thread (which I apologise I have not been able to read all of, so this may be repeating somewhat...) I’ve often wondered why some women chose to remain known as Mrs after divorce. Even if they want to keep their surname, why the title?

(No judgement on anyone who does this btw - just genuinely curious).

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/05/2018 21:04

That's not your husband anymore and it's no longer your name. It's a holding tactic as they're too weak to move on

Ex-wife issues? Women should just drop a name they’ve been using for possibly more than 20 years to please the new partner?

Oh dear...

Newsofas · 13/05/2018 21:04

It’s a good question OP and as I’m newly divorced I have wondered whether legally I can still use the title Mrs. This thread has clarified that I am legally allowed to continue to be a Mrs. I’m in my 50s, I’m not a miss and I don’t like Ms. I also think we should be like men and just have one adult title.

SuperSuperSuper · 13/05/2018 21:05

I'm too lazy to change it. I'll change it if I remarry.

I prefer people addressing me by my first name anyway - when I ring call centres etc I ask them to call me by it. Likewise, doctors, dentists. My children's teachers call me Mrs X - I accept that, because I know that teachers are not usually comfortable with first names.

GrannyGrissle · 13/05/2018 21:06

Your answer was given by Cardibach in the first reply.

LittleCandle · 13/05/2018 21:10

I did for several years because the hassle of the divorce meant that changing my name was just more stress that I didn't need. DD2 had already changed her name from his within a couple of months of him walking out and then got a new birth certificate when she turned 16 and he couldn't do or say anything. Then, last year, he did something that really pissed me off, and I made the move and reverted back to my maiden name. I am also Miss, not Ms, because I personally hate that. Now, the only thing that connects him to me is the fact he fathered my DC - nothing else.

moodance · 13/05/2018 21:13

I thought more woman would use the term Ms after divorce... surprised how many divorced woman use Mrs ... surely using Mrs is a barrier for moving on? Just a thought ...

NasdaqYouTwat · 13/05/2018 21:13

Ex-wife issues? Women should just drop a name they’ve been using for possibly more than 20 years to please the new partner?

Why did they change the name they'd had their whole life upon marriage then?

Graphista · 13/05/2018 21:18

Why did they change the name they'd had their whole life upon marriage then?

In my case I hated my maiden name and the man who gave me it - that good enough?

For all my ex has done he was NEVER as bad as my father.

UserV · 13/05/2018 21:22

@MrsSnootyPants2018

It's quite rude I think.

PMSL! Why the hell is it RUDE? There is nothing rude about keeping your OWN SURNAME (and it IS a woman's own surname once she is married......)

That's not your husband anymore and it's no longer your name. It's a holding tactic as they're too weak to move on.

That's not your husband anymore and it's no longer your name. It's a holding tactic as they're too weak to move on.

Wow what a load of utter parp.

My married name is MY name. MY FUCKING NAME.

And if we divorce, it will still be my name, forever unless I remarry...... And I will still be MRS, not fucking 'muzzmozzmizzmurzzz.

What's more, I have no intention of having a different surname to my kids. When women have different surnames to their kids, it makes me cringe.

Sounds like YOU are married to (or getting married to) a man who has an ex wife who is keeping her married name. Ergo...... HER NAME.

Sucks for you, but there is no need to be so spiteful towards women who keep their married name, (which is actually THEIR NAME. ) Hmm

cuckooplusone · 13/05/2018 21:24

Like others, I have kept Mrs (ex H`s name), I think it's a bit of a pain insisting on Ms and I think it sounds a bit prissy, like others, I wanted to match my daughter's name and had a professional career based on married surname. I now have DD2 with DP's surname as well. I wouldn't mind getting married and changing to his name at this stage as DD1 is older now and I have switched to a new role.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2018 21:26

I only use mrs when clicking on forms, I'm happily married, but I don't introduce myself as mrs, and I don't use a title if I don't have to. If someone calls me mrs ness, I just say call me blunt. Ms ness would have the same reaction.

So for me happily I'd revert to ms. Because it's not something that's said out loud to me very often, so I don't get the big deal really. It's just something that appears on paperwork.

In fact I'd go a bit further and say if someone asks me, I'm a little offended as I can't see why it's anyone's business or what my marital status has to do with anything.

For me, women should have one adult title like men, the whole miss mrs thing is antiquated.

reallyanotherone · 13/05/2018 21:31

It’s a good question OP and as I’m newly divorced I have wondered whether legally I can still use the title Mrs. This thread has clarified that I am legally allowed to continue to be a Mrs. I’m in my 50s, I’m not a miss and I don’t like Ms. I also think we should be like men and just have one adult title

There’s nothing legal about it. You can call yourself mrs if you want, whether you’re 18 and never married or 85 and 6 times divorced. Same applies to miss, ms or mr. You can be married and use miss. You can use mr, provided you aren’t deliberately misleading your gender.

Titles aren’t a legal thing. You won’t get arrested for using the “wrong” one.

deedpolloffice.com/change-name/changing-your-title

chocchipnanana · 13/05/2018 21:32

Lots of reasons I guess, I changed my title and surname back to maiden name as soon as was humanly possible when I got divorced. I just wanted to leave the past behind and move on. Seemed like a good starting point to me personally.

AngkorWaat · 13/05/2018 21:32

For those posters worried that I may be struggling to move on by hanging on to my married name. It’s quite the opposite, until I saw this thread title I’ve barely given it a second thought for years. If me and my now OH get round to getting married then it’ll change, but we’re both pretty chilled about it.

SuperMumTum · 13/05/2018 21:33

I wonder why so many women change their name to that of their husband when they marry. To me that is a more relevant question. It's so horribly old fashioned and reeks of the misogynistic way the state has treated women over the years. I despise the judgements that are heaped upon women for their choice of title (miss/mrs/ms) and the assumption that a woman will give up her own identity to fit with her partner.

Obviously circumstances like that described by graphista are understandable but it is possible to change your name without taking the name of another man.

PoorYorick · 13/05/2018 21:43

I'm married and I go by Ms. I prefer it for various reasons. If I'm going to be a judgemental idiot who projects more than the local Cineworld, I'll do it on things that actually reflect on a person's moral character.

terfinginthevoid · 13/05/2018 21:45

I am in my fifties, have never been married, but have usedthe title Mrs for over 30 years because I am an ADULT woman. As said above, these titles have no legal significance, its purely social convention. I find the convention that females don't get the adult title until they are married to be very offensive.

I also think the whole Ms business was a massive mistake by feminists in the 1970's - if every young woman then who objected to female titles denoting marital status had just used Mrs, the use of 'miss' for adult females would probably have died out by now.

user1490607838 · 13/05/2018 22:26

I know many women who were married for 20 to 30 years, and have been divorced for 10 to 15 years or more, and most still use their married name.

It's usually only the ones who get married to someone else who drop the name. As has been said, it becomes her name too. And if you have been married a long time (more than 20 years,) it's much easier to just keep it, especially as it will be the surname of your children.

@terfinginthevoid

I am in my fifties, have never been married, but have used the title Mrs for over 30 years because I am an ADULT woman

Eh? Confused Are you winding us up? You call yourself Mrs when you've never been married? Is it because you want people to think you are married? Why? Are you embarrassed to be single?

terfinginthevoid

I find the convention that females don't get the adult title until they are married to be very offensive.

Errr ok then. But you should really be married (or have been married,) if you want to call yourself 'Mrs?' It's a bit odd to call yourself Mrs when you're single and have never been married. I don't think I have ever known anyone do that.

myfriendbob · 13/05/2018 22:27

Without getting into a brouhaha it remains your legal title

Its not a legal title. You can call yourself Mrs, Miss, Ms interchangeably at any time, married, divorced or single. They have no legal meaning.

RatMama · 13/05/2018 22:29

I'm still Mrs ExHsurname

I just can't be bothered changing everything Blush

myfriendbob · 13/05/2018 22:30

Eh? confused Are you winding us up? You call yourself Mrs when you've never been married? Is it because you want people to think you are married? Why? Are you embarrassed to be single?

No reason she shouldn't. Lots of single women were historically called Mrs as a sign of respect, housekeepers, cooks, shookeepers etc were always Mrs married or not, and before that all women were called Mrs/Mistress as it simply meant adult woman, with no indication of marital status.

Moussemoose · 13/05/2018 22:30

Lots of posters can't be bothered to change their name back. If it's so much bother why do it in the first place?

Just keep the name you were born with.

RatMama · 13/05/2018 22:30

Plus it's my kids name. And ExH and I are still great mates.

JustDanceAddict · 13/05/2018 22:35

If I ever got divorced I’d def keep married name. Maybe use Ms on some forms but I’d retain Mrs for legalities. Hated my maiden name anyway and it feels like it belongs to a different person now.
You could argue same for a widow as they are no longer married either, but that would be insensitive in the extreme.

franktheskank · 13/05/2018 22:36

My children have my surname and I've always been a Ms despite being married twice. Seems the best way really.