To wonder why people stay Mrs after divorce?

[TrainsandDiggers]

Linked to the other popular thread (which I apologise I have not been able to read all of, so this may be repeating somewhat...) I’ve often wondered why some women chose to remain known as Mrs after divorce. Even if they want to keep their surname, why the title?

(No judgement on anyone who does this btw - just genuinely curious).

Mousse, I am reading your posts, but tbh I'm starting to wish I wasn't, because they're starting to unsettle me. When you went off on one last night I considered leaving the thread because I actually thought you'd gone a bit bonkers. It was absolutely nonsensical.

You are talking about that poor woman here and now, clearly insinuating that you think she has brought this avalanche of office gossip upon herself because she changed her name as she divorced and remarried. Making revolting judgemental comments about 'displaying her love life', as if this is why women choose to name change. Making her thought processes for her. Blaming her for other people acting like shits. Creating angst for women like her and then blaming them for receiving said angst if they don't do as you tell them. That's the problem. You are blaming her for other people's shitty behaviour.

And that's shitty behaviour in itself. Some would say misogynistic - women are always being blamed when the world disapproves of what they do sexually. The woman divorced and remarried, and changed her name as she wanted. No matter how you try to spin it, she's done nothing wrong.

On a side point, it seems Googlemail automatically puts all the emails in the same line, and since I sent the very first one to junk, it hasn't been notifying me since then. I actually didn't realise what you'd been doing until about half an hour ago.

PoorYorick I don't want to be rude but are you reading my posts?

Yes. But the joke's on me because they're not worth it.

Her relationships were played out on the staff email system. Everyone had an opinion about who she was shagging. She was a respected colleague who was turned into a sexual spectacle because of her name changes.

Do you work in the 1950s? It sounds like a toxic workplace to me.

I think its more to do with women being judged whatever they do or don't do.

The whole married name is ridiculously outdated. Meanwhile, men can go along, shagging, marrying etc with nary a raised eyebrow.

I gave up my name to marry sexist X and got rid of it professionally when we split. I did keep my passport because of travelling with my kids. I don't like 'Mrs' - never have. Each to their own.

She was a respected colleague who was turned into a sexual spectacle because of her name changes.

She was a respected colleague who was turned into a sexual spectacle because of the shitty people surrounding her. NOT because of her name changes. Blaming her name changes is blaming her for other people's misogynistic shittiness.

Do you get it yet?

It is indeed a symptom of the way society treats women. It was a particularly unedifying incident and lots of people came out of it badly.

While it was happening it seemed to me it was a private matter. I want to keep my private life private. I certainly don't want people at work to know the details of whom I am having a relationship with. Also, in a very 'British' way I didn't want to know about her life either but I had no choice as it was announced on her email address.

It just seemed irrelevant and I wished it wasn't happening it seemed 'odd' to me when there was a simple solution. I'm not outraged or horrified or condemning more puzzled.

PoorYorick

You haven't addressed the point about your horror at my supposed "denigration" of this woman and your willingness to throw insults around. Either denigration is bad or it isn't. Baiting and insulting people is a form of denigration btw.

What point? Of course I'm horrified that you should paint a woman as some sort of brazen hussy who should have just done as you did if she didn't want to become a 'sexual spectacle' by....changing her name when she divorced and remarried. Seriously, that counts as scandal in your office? Where do you work? Chastity Belts And Boring People R Us?

I have backed up everything I've said to you with direct quotes from your own posts. Your response is simply to say 'no I never', over and over again. And in one particularly memorable episode last night, to throw a weird fit over body hair and feminism. I really wish that post hadn't been deleted. Oh, yes, and you tried to suggest I'd said something on a par with rape and disability jokes, because, well, apparently that's your style.

When you accused me of making judgements on the 'kind of woman' who keeps her name, I asked you to provide a quote. You didn't. Because you can't. Because you have been utterly disingenuous from the start of this whole sorry exchange.

You can sit there and claim that you're criticising society and not women who choose to change their names. But it doesn't wash when you state that name changers are "displaying their love lives for all and sundry to comment on". When you state that an incident of sexist workplace bullying was "because of her name changes" (and of course throw in a comment about how 'private' you are, as if changing your name on marriage is equivalent to having 'ASK ME ABOUT MY MARRIAGE' tattooed on your face). When you patronise me and other women who made my choice with lengthy paragraphs explaining to us how to be like you. When you describe a woman as a 'sexual spectacle' because she name changed with her marital status.

I could pretend to believe you when you claim you sincerely don't see what you've done wrong here, but it would be insulting your intelligence.
You know fine well. But you haven't got the guts to say, 'Actually, yeah, I'm going to rethink that', even to yourself. You're just going to keep coming back with 'no I never, no I never, no I never'.

But hey, you're incredibly private and have bypassed the issue, so no harm done.

I couldn't agree more wtffgs.

Moussemoose, your colleague suffered angst because her workmate's misogynistic attitudes. Not because of anything she did.

PoorYorick

You haven't addressed the point about your horror at my supposed "denigration" of this woman and your willingness to throw insults around. Either denigration is bad or it isn't. Baiting and insulting people is a form of denigration btw

I have issues with name calling and telling people to swivel. I have issues with baiting. I have issue with 'jokes' telling feminists to get back in the kitchen. I think 'get back in the kitchen' jokes are the thin end of the wedge with rape jokes at the other end.

You fail totally to address these points.

I find the name change issue puzzling and odd, in the same way I find people who eat Brussel sprout odd. It causes issue - as explained in detail by many posters on this thread. Issues that could be easily avoided.

I do not however get angry about it. I do not feel the need to call people names because of it. Yet again you have insisted calling people names is bad while doing it yourself, yet again you insist it is a non issue while your writing style indicates you are angry.

My final word would be I would never say "no I never" it's such poor English. Now that is an insult I can not stand for.

As far as I can tell, Mousse, you lost the argument quite some time ago and have since tried to make up for it by derailing it completely. Hence the weird posts about my father, hairy legged feminists and complaints about being "denigrated" because I've explained to you why what you've said is objectionable. If you're going to accuse me of "displaying my love life for all and sundry" by changing my name, yes, I'll tell you to swivel. But it's not what we're supposed to be discussing. As I think you know.

If you want to help create a society where women aren't unfairly judged and bullied, then the solution is not that we all make the same choice as you but that we all have our choices respected and accepted as equal. That's simply not what you've been suggesting in recounting the story of your colleague. Or indeed anywhere else.

(Did she really become such a hot topic for changing her name a couple of times when she divorced and remarried? I can understand someone might make a joke along the lines of "bloody hell, I can't keep up" but I really can't see how it would become a serious office scandal. A 'sexual spectacle'? For that? Are you sure you haven't been hamming it up a bit?)

I do not however get angry about it. I do not feel the need to call people names because of it

You should have got angry. At your colleagues and your work place for having such appalling sexist outdated attitudes. At yourself for failing to support this woman, and more at yourself for still repeatedly stating that she should have hidden things to make the rest of you more comfortable.
You, and your colleagues should all be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.
And yet you remain "puzzled" but all this? You're not that stupid.