To wonder why people stay Mrs after divorce?

[TrainsandDiggers]

Linked to the other popular thread (which I apologise I have not been able to read all of, so this may be repeating somewhat...) I’ve often wondered why some women chose to remain known as Mrs after divorce. Even if they want to keep their surname, why the title?

(No judgement on anyone who does this btw - just genuinely curious).

Ooh, I know the answer to this one! It’s because most women’s maiden names are ugly and the men’s names are much nicer- that’s why

Don’t forget easier to spell!

I went from very unusual, difficult spelling and even harder to pronounce to one of the most common names in the UK.

24 years of having to spell first and surname gets a little wearing. Now I have a name where people don’t say

“Sorry could you repeat that”, “and is that spelled like...”, “so that’s ”.

I could have changed my name by deed poll, but it would have been faffy and cost me money and I'd have had to justify it to an even bigger group of busybody twits than I do now. When I got married, I had a perfect opportunity and I made a choice. Other women make different choices and that is just as swell. I'll call you by any name you choose except for Mike Hunt and other oldies like that one.

Choose to change your name because you want to.

I did, thank you.

PoorYorick no one wants to take choice away. You can always change your name by deed pole at any point after the age of 18. The choice you are so desperate for would remain

Even on just this thread people are advocating that changing name on marriage not be an option anymore, so obviously they do want to take choice away.

I think this thread shows that people who judge women will judge them regardless of the title they use. The rest of us don't give a rats ass. So change or don't, most people don't care.

I could have changed my name by deed poll, but it would have been faffy and cost me money and I'd have had to justify it to an even bigger group of busybody twits than I do now. When I got married, I had a perfect opportunity and I made a choice

Again- asking why men aren’t able to do the same? Why can women change their name on marriage but men can’t?

It’s not suprising few men change their name when they have to go to the “faff and cost” of deed poll.

Again- asking why men aren’t able to do the same? Why can women change their name on marriage but men can’t?

You know why. Reasons. History. All that shit.

But most women who change their name now don't give a fuck about what it used to mean, when it doesn't mean that now.

I don't really think of it as 'linked to my love life' more like a family name
so therefore, because I share the name with dcs, it is still our family name

It's odd that men don't seem to have this name change angst. Women have hard to pronounce, hard to spell names they associate with crap parents.

Men just have a name. No faff, no justification, no discussion, no guilt, no judgment just a name.

Clearly, I don't understand the deeply held, perfectly sensible reasons and beliefs women have to change names multiple times. Displaying their love lives for all and sundry to comment on.

I just have a name, the way my dad dis, the way my brother does, the way my DP does, the way my sons do. It's really very simple.

It's not odd at all.
Culturally and historically, women have changed their name on marriage pretty much for ever. Men have not. Women can change (or not) on marriage easily and quickly, without the usual paperwork and cost of a legal name change.
So its an opportunity to easily change should they choose to, and its culturally still the norm to do so.

Its not odd, its not weird, its not anti feminist. Its culture. And its really none of your business what other women choose to do.

Ms or mrs - I don't actually think people really care that much to be honest. I've never thought oh she's mrs or oh she's ms ever in rl!

It's odd that men don't seem to have this name change angst.

It's not odd at all. There is no history of men changing their names on marriage, so they aren't presented with the choice so readily and the culture does not respond in the same way.

Everyone understands where the history of women changing their names comes from. It no longer carries anything like the meaning it used to, and everyone understands that too. Some women mind what it meant in the past and some women don't. I don't.

I respect people's differing choices and differing circumstances. Anyone whose feminism dictates that I really should choose my abusive father's name over my lovely, chosen husband's name can get back in the kitchen.

I'm a bit pissed off that the old error of Ms meaning divorced seems to be gaining a bit of ground. I've been single, married, divorced, married and now widowed, and have been Ms throughout, though unfortunately I did change my surname on first marrying which has been a right PITA. Having said that, it's getting less common to have any title used at all, which is probably a good thing.

What usual cost of a name change? Even if you needed a change of name deed for admin reasons, they're available free. Any costs people incur aren't compulsory.

If someone thought I must be divorced because I go by Ms, I'd probably find it funny for about five seconds and then get on with my day.

If I met a Mrs who wasn't married, I'd be puzzled for about five seconds because it's usually associated with married women, and then get on with my day.

Wow the assumptions!

I made no comments about what other people should or shouldn't do. I merely pointed out the amount of angst that clearly many women feel - read the thread - seems unnecessary when men never have these issues.

'It's culture' seems a confusing argument, one poster says culture matters, another says the history ( where the culture comes from) no longer matters.

I'm dictating nothing and restricting no ones choices, why try to imply I am?

I'm just saying this causes a lot of angst, judgment and concern when there is a very, very simple solution.

Most of the divorced women I know with children remained Mrs marriedname.
Several remarried and changed to Mrs newhusbands name.
Their children remain miss/master dads name ie the Original family name.

I'm just saying this causes a lot of angst, judgment and concern when there is a very, very simple solution

angst and judgement from the likes of you

It's culture' seems a confusing argument, one poster says culture matters, another says the history ( where the culture comes from) no longer matters.

It's not confusing at all. It's a simple nuance. The history matters in the sense that it explains why men don't face the same issue. It doesn't matter in the sense that name changing in 2018 does not mean what it did in 1818.

I'm dictating nothing and restricting no ones choices, why try to imply I am?

If you haven't made any disparaging remarks about women who choose differently to you, then I am not referring to you.

I do think you're being a bit disingenuous though, because I don't think the concepts are as difficult as you claim to be finding them.

Only if you are easily confused is it remotely confusing.

I have no angst, as I have explained I have bypassed the issue by simply keeping my name.

There are however, a lot of posters on threads like these that do find the issues troubling, I would not want to simply dismiss those concerns. Name changing, especially after divorce results in genuine distress. There is a simply move society could make to remove this cause for concern.

Why would you choose to imply I am angry when I just see a simply solution to an issue that is causing distress.

In terms of culture, name changing does not mean now what it did in 1918 correct. Name changing does still have lingering vestiges of ownership. People do still make moral judgments based on names and honourifics as proved by many comments on this thread. Divorce, unfortunately, is still seem by some as a source of shame.

Simply retaining your name would solve these problems.

Also, it is important to note that the 'culture' being referred to is the dominant, predominantly white culture. Lots of other cultures happily coexist in the U.K. where name changing does not happen.

I have bypassed the issue by simply keeping my name.

I think you may have bypassed the issue for yourself because women who change their names don't tend to bother women who don't. It should work both ways.

There are however, a lot of posters on threads like these that do find the issues troubling, I would not want to simply dismiss those concerns. Name changing, especially after divorce results in genuine distress. There is a simply move society could make to remove this cause for concern.

Yes, it could just allow women to choose their title, and whether to change or not change their names. Oh hang on.

Name changing does still have lingering vestiges of ownership.

This is absolutely not what it means today and we all know it.

This is your agenda. You want to discourage women from changing their names. You can have that agenda, but please own it and stop trying to pretend that anyone who doesn't share it - anyone who just wants women to be able to choose whatever they like without judgment - is actually 'dismissing concerns' or whatever bollocky rubbish it was.

If you don't want women to have 'concerns' about their names, then stop judging them for their choices on the matter and just respect whatever they do or don't want to do. We'll do the same for you.

Lots of other cultures happily coexist in the U.K. where name changing does not happen.

Yes. So what? If Emma and Brenda want to keep their names, that's fine with me. I wanted to change mine and I did. I'd appreciate the same courtesy in response.

Where have I said I'm judging anyone? My point was that it is clear from reading this thread that thots of people are being judged. You are judging me by imposing your expectations of the 'kind of woman' who keeps her name on me.

You want this negative spiral to end but you are right in the middle of it. You are labelling me as someone who wants to impose their "agenda" on others. You appear to know what my agenda is even though I haven't given many details. This is the type of judgment names cause, the type of judgment that men don't face.

Posters are upset by it, it is a source of concern. Trying to say you wish society wouldn't make judgments while doing it yourself is hypocritical.

"Name changing does still have lingering vestiges of ownership"

This is absolutely not what it means today and we all know it.

My point and your response. Yes that isn't what it means today, which is why I said it has the 'lingering vestiges'. It doesn't mean it but lots of people know of it and understand the implications it once had. In my life time women could not get mortgages or contraception if they were a Miss. it really isn't that long ago that names restricted life choices for women.

You are judging me by imposing your expectations of the 'kind of woman' who keeps her name on me.

Where have I used the phrase 'kind of woman'? And where have I made any sort of disparaging remark about women who choose to keep their names? What 'expectations' have I 'imposed' upon you, other than asking you to respect my choice in the same way I respect yours?

Show me, and quote me. And if you can't, say that you can't.

You are labelling me as someone who wants to impose their "agenda" on others.

But this is precisely what you are calling for with this societal change you want in which women don't make the choice I made. I don't want that society. I want one where you can make yours, I can make mine, and neither of us will say anything bad about it. That would relieve divorced women of the stress of worrying about what to do with their names, while still allowing them to choose whatever they think is best for them.

Yes that isn't what it means today, which is why I said it has the 'lingering vestiges'. It doesn't mean it but lots of people know of it and understand the implications it once had.

Everyone knows and understands it because people generally aren't thick. The difference is that, given it categorically no longer means ownership, some women don't care and want to change. Like me. Others, like you, do care and don't want to change. Both are fine, but you are trying to hold this 'vestiges of ownership' over me to invalidate my choice. I am calling bullshit on your agenda and your disingenuousness over it. That's all.

I understand why you don't want to change and I respect it. My issue with you isn't that you chose not to change your name. It's that you're trying to imply that I've made a lesser choice with your 'lingering vestiges' and you 'dismissing concerns' and your call for 'societal change' and other rubbish.

We could have this lovely culture of women just choosing what's best for them and not being stressed by it if people like you didn't try to invalidate the choices you don't like.