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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why people stay Mrs after divorce?

312 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 13/05/2018 19:03

Linked to the other popular thread (which I apologise I have not been able to read all of, so this may be repeating somewhat...) I’ve often wondered why some women chose to remain known as Mrs after divorce. Even if they want to keep their surname, why the title?

(No judgement on anyone who does this btw - just genuinely curious).

OP posts:
PaulDacreRimsGeese · 15/05/2018 19:45

Changing name can be done for free, in fact. It's already cheaper for men (or anyone) to change their names than it is to pay for even the cheapest marriage. And easier too, as getting married necessarily involves a minimum of two appointments while a deed poll doesn't.

zsazsajuju · 15/05/2018 19:50

Poor yorrick said on another thread that women should marry a rich man for “protection”. Maybe they should but better hope he doesn’t spend all the cash or not much protection for anyone.

It’s pretty outdated to me to be changing your name to your husbands name in 2018. To say it’s a choice- well it is but it’s obviously not a feminist choice. You could choose to walk six steps behind your husband. Or call him my lord. And that would be up to you to make that choice. Would be a bit of a silly billy thing to do though (perhaps not quite as silly as relying solely on a man for your financial security but up there).

Just because you choose it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do or that everyone has to agree it’s the right choice. Or that it’s some great example of empowerment. Cos it’s really not.

LoveInTokyo · 15/05/2018 19:55

zsazsajuju (and others):

This is a cultural issue and the only way it will change is through a cultural shift. I think this is already happening. A generation or two ago it was almost unheard of for a woman not to take her husband’s name on marriage - now plenty of people don’t.

But it won’t happen overnight, and you will never convince everybody. Some people want to change their names, and that is their choice, even if you don’t agree with it.

I think the antagonistic way you and some other posters are making your arguments is counterproductive. It’s just not the way to win friends and influence people.

Has any “remoaner” (and I am a proud remoaner) ever changed a Brexit supporter’s mins by telling them they are thick? I doubt it. It only seems to make people more entrenched in their views.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 15/05/2018 20:03

Aragog

Personally I wonder whether we should be like males - one title for when underage (Master) and then Mr as an adult. Maybe it should be Miss for girl, then Mrs once their become adults.

Is anyone else thinking this is a genius idea, or is it just me?

PoorYorick · 15/05/2018 20:11

Your comment on feminism is misogynistic and ignorant and displays much about your attitudes towards other women and debate in general.

No, my comment was pithy and funny. So there.

As an aside, please don't use the @ function to get my attention. It clogs up my email.

PoorYorick · 15/05/2018 20:14

Poor yorrick said on another thread that women should marry a rich man for “protection”.

Horseshit, unless it was an obvious joke, which is unlikely. Post the link and the direct quote. And if you can't, say you can't.

What I have said is that women who intend to give up their earning potential to have children should not do it without the protection of marriage. Only someone completely intellectually dishonest, or just plain thick, would not be able to tell the difference.

Link please.

catherinedevalois · 15/05/2018 20:17

I haven't heard the term master since the 60s. Certainly not for teenagers! No, one title for men and one for women would do fine. How about Male, shortened to Ml for men and Female, shortened to Fl for women? Or no title at all?

Moussemoose · 15/05/2018 20:24

@PoorYorick

Oh right hahaha

PoorYorick · 15/05/2018 20:28

I think the antagonistic way you and some other posters are making your arguments is counterproductive.

It's more the staggering intellectual dishonesty, disingenuousness and sheer made-up bullshit accusations that are making me discount anything they've got to say about, well, anything.

The humourlessness is a side issue. My comment that so offended Mousse is funny in isolation, but it's even funnier when, as we absolutely knew would happen, she completely failed to realise what the target of the joke actually was.

MiggeldyHiggins · 15/05/2018 20:36

I haven't heard the term master since the 60s. Certainly not for teenagers! No, one title for men and one for women would do fine

I saw Master just yesterday when checking in for a flight. Boys under 16 were called Master, over that they were Mr.

Moussemoose · 15/05/2018 20:51

Yep telling women to get back in the kitchen is always a side splitter. Like those hilarious rape jokes. Oh oh don't forget jokes about disabled women they are even funnier.

Or not.

PoorYorick · 15/05/2018 20:56

Yep telling women to get back in the kitchen is always a side splitter.

I actually told your brand of feminism, whereby women must do as you do or BE WRONG, to shut up and get back in the kitchen. Because it's as stupid and dictatorial as those who would actually say those very words to women.

And that's the closest I'm going to get to explaining the joke to you.

As an aside, did you think humour was supposed to make people comfortable?

Moussemoose · 15/05/2018 21:13

And for your next trick.... mind reading!

My brand of feminism?

I have not mentioned my brand of feminism. I have discussed my classical liberal approach to choice whereby I believe everyone is entitled to choose even if the decision may ultimately be harmful. My belief in people's right to make decisions that may ultimately be detrimental to their long term needs but how important it is that we defend those rights. I have alluded to those beliefs.

Feminism nope, not on this thread.

And yet again, I do not believe in dictating choice on nomenclature. As I have said several times.

LoveInTokyo · 15/05/2018 21:19

What does “dictating choice” even mean? That’s either a typo or an oxymoron.

londonrach · 15/05/2018 21:21

Because they were married and changed their name. Op one of the silliest questions ever!

PoorYorick · 15/05/2018 21:25

You have gone on and on and on claiming to find very simple concepts 'odd' or 'confusing' (do you wish me to insult your intelligence by suggesting that I actually believe you can't grasp them?). You have belittled my choice to change my name by suggesting I didn't do it for the 'right' reasons. You accused me of making judgements about the 'type of woman' who keeps her name when I said absolutely nothing derogatory about these women. You made a nasty comment about name changers as 'displaying their love lives for all and sundry to comment on' (people like you, then).

And you have repeatedly tried to misconstrue my irritation at your disingenuousness as irritation at your decision not to change your name, which is frankly what has pissed me off the most. (Even more so than your attempt to suggest that I said anything that could even remotely be compared to a rape or disability joke, which was so off-the-scale idiotic that I actually couldn't get offended by it. It would be like getting offended by Elmer Fudd.)

And a final suggestion - leave the humour to other people. You're really not very good at it.

Moussemoose · 15/05/2018 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PoorYorick · 15/05/2018 21:31

Wow your really are angry are you sure you are not a feminist?

Good God, is that all you've got?

Moussemoose · 15/05/2018 21:39

You know in the play ground when all the kids gather round shouting "fight! Fight!" I think we may well be at that level.

I would just like to point out my dad ( who I share a name with) is bigger than your dad and when I get married my husband ( whose name I will not share ) will be beat up your husband not matter what his name is.

Stand down everyone.

PoorYorick · 15/05/2018 21:44

I think I preferred it when you were making weird comments about hairy-legged feminists. It made no sense but at least it wasn't boring.

Graphista · 15/05/2018 22:07

"I am sure women who change their names think they are doing it out of free choice." Excuse me! How DARE you presume myself and others did so without it being fully of our free choice? It's easier to do upon marriage, I happen to like my now ex's surname - it's pretty common and boring which after 20 odd years of spelling and pronunciation disasters was a relief! I actually considered changing to my grans maiden name as it was still a family name but common and easy to spell and pronounce but when looking into it, it's much easier to change to husbands name upon marriage bureaucratically speaking and I liked both names equally. Who do you think you are?!

No we can't tell you what to think - neither can YOU tell us what to think or if our choices were 'free' - so insulting!

My now ex was willing to change to my maiden name as all my generation in my family are girls. He has now changed to double barrelled with wife 2.

I married quite too Young and had not until I was engaged really looked into name changing legalities. I didn't know I could change my name regardless of if I was marrying.

I know men who have changed to their wife's maiden name too (again usually because of unhappy associations or spelling/pronunciation issues, sometimes to have a more 'British' name (sadly advantageous in still far too many industries), in one case because their wife is one of the last of her family in uk with her name and she's an only child to perpetuate that family name)

'It's not a feminist choice' NO surname originally belongs to a woman! If you're trying to make that ridiculous argument for keeping maiden name it makes no sense as you're just keeping the fathers name which is ALSO historically of ownership (which by the way is also true for men! If you look at the creation of surnames many if not most mean 'son of' or are related to the occupation or position, or other recognisable characteristic of the father - cooper, baker, milliner, fisher, brown, all the Irish mc/Mac names, stephenSON etc etc) so how EXACTLY would a 'true feminist' (I hate this type of judgment of who is a 'true feminist' too) CHOOSE a surname?

"either surname, double barrel it, portmanteau, pick something entirely different, or keep their own names." ALL of which is still based on patriarchal names!

"But get away from the default women must give up their name" but according to the branch of feminism you seem to be borrowing from it's NOT their name it's their FATHERS!

"You realise that actually says "You can't tell me what to think, but I'm telling you that what you think is not what you actually think"?

Also, its really twatty" 100% agree especially the last part!

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/05/2018 23:03

Those who did change their names- would your husband have changed his if you asked? Seriously?

ExH asked me if he could change his to mine. I told him there was no way. I also told him that if we ever split, I would be keeping his name (he could have my uncle Peter in exchange).Grin

I reminded him of this conversation last year when my decision to not change back was causing him angst.

EBearhug · 15/05/2018 23:17

ExH asked me if he could change his to mine. I told him there was no way.

On the assumption he asked at the time you married rather than becoming ex - what were your reasons for saying no way? I am assuming at that point you weren't planning to get divorced.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/05/2018 23:38

If men want the right to name change on the production of a marriage certificate, then they can campaign for it. I had the right and I made a conscious decision to exercise it.

My reasons are no one's business but my own. And people who judge women on because they change their names/or don't change their names/change their title/don't change their title should look at why they do it and what it achieves.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/05/2018 23:47

He asked when we were engaged.

My reasons don't matter to you. They mattered to me.

Of course we weren't planning on getting a divorce.Shock Unfortunately after 10 years together the marriage ended. My feelings for my ExH have changed over the almost 20 years that I've known him, but I have never for one second regretted changing my name when we married.