Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you're always late, can I ask why?

568 replies

CulinaryUnderbelly · 13/05/2018 14:14

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else Angry

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

OP posts:
Sunrise888 · 13/05/2018 15:25

I used to be quite anxious about being late, so I was really good at leaving lots of time. I got quite angry at those who were late and kept me waiting. When I had a baby though, I really, really underestimated how long it took to get the two of us ready, and even when heading out the door they'd be the inevitable poonami. I try to compensate but giving ourselves two hours from waking up to out the door, but lack of sleep leads to oversleeping and then racing to get ready (after making sure baby is happy and presentable, I throw on yesterday's clothes, and go without brushing my hair or teeth). I feel dreadful for being 15-30 mins late on a regular basis, and every time we start to do a little better, a development like weaning or crawling throws us back. I don't know when I'll find my equilibrium again.

My DH is chronically late - he's just really bad at estimating how long it takes to get ready, but he'd rather take his time and do everything he needs to rather than be on time. He doesn't look at his watch as he's getting ready either, so he's always surprised to find he's late. 🙄

ThinkingQueSeraSera · 13/05/2018 15:25

I truly struggle with time keeping

Lloyd45 · 13/05/2018 15:26

What you need to do is arrange a time and then turn up an hour an half late and see if they will wait around for you for a change, I bet they won't

cloudyweewee · 13/05/2018 15:26

I had a friend who was continually late- at least half an hour, usually more- for every arrangement we made. Crunch time came when I asked her to be my bridesamaid and she was over an hour late for a dress fitting. She clearly thought that her time was precious and mine wasn't, so I ended the friendship.

Sunrise888 · 13/05/2018 15:27

Adding to that, I've stopped giving people an exact time to when I'll get there. I'll say meet 2-2:30, I'll aim to get there for 2, and we'll hang about of we happen to be early. Thankfully my friends understand.

Original poster
CulinaryUnderbelly · 13/05/2018 15:31

MrsMozart I'm interested that you said "it's just me". I get similar from my friend, but she phrases it "you know what I'm like". With a laugh.

OP posts:
BristolGrrl · 13/05/2018 15:31

I've also inherited lateness from my parents - I was always the child embrassingly sitting on the school wall waving goodbye to teachers as they drove off.

With me, it's definitely the thing posted above of thinking that I have to be ready by a set time, so I would leave the house when I'm meant to actually be somewhere. However, I know that I do this so will compensate for it by purposely putting an incorrect earlier time in my diary. This has led to some awkward occasions when I turn up for an appointment early but can't tell the reception what time it should have been for...!

On another note, I actually find it really rude when people are overly early for social occasions. My in laws will often arrive a hour or so early, meaning that I am not ready and then get stressed as I feel I'm being rude by being in the kitchen, putting on final makeup etc.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/05/2018 15:31

Sorry but anyone who thinks their company is as important as a plane or a million quid deserves to be kept waiting for ten minutes or so to sort out their perspective.

I did. I chose to stop waiting around, wasting my time and putting up with vague "Whatever" excuses.

I realised that I don't have to put up with it, I don't have to wait for lazily late people (I happily wait for people who have problems, that is just common sense and polite). But the "You know what I am like" brigade don't get to waste my time any more.

I chose to see myself as more important than that! More important than somebody elses 'can't be arsedness'. Having spent most of my life living within my female socialisation - waiting and even apologising for seeming a bit put out - it has been quite liberating. Quite a different perspective!

PrimalLass · 13/05/2018 15:33

I'm glad that I have friends who are all quite relaxed about this. We understand that shit (normally kids) happens.

BristolGrrl · 13/05/2018 15:35

QueenOfIce I do that! But I take it one step further and allot portions of time - so 15 minutes for makeup and hair, (30 minutes if it's a special occasion), 15 minutes for shower and teeth, 5 minutes for dressing etc etc and then add it all up to subtract from the time when I should be ready...

BigPinkBall · 13/05/2018 15:35

I think it’s hilarious all the chronically late people saying that they think people who turn up early are rude, I’d much rather be a ‘turn up early’ rude person than a ‘make everyone wait so I can make an entrance’ rude person!

0LIVE · 13/05/2018 15:36

I try so hard, sometimes I feel so bad about how late I am getting somewhere just before I go in I could cry. I do care but I feel like I have to try so much harder to be organised than people who just seem to breeze punctually from place to place and have their shit together

I don’t know anyone who find it easy to be organised and just breezes about. At least not any women with job, homes and kids / other caring responsibilities .

Organising kids and their activities takes a huge amount of time and effort. For me to be on time places I often have to do loads the night before - lay out clothes, bath or shower kids to save time in the morning , make up packed lunches/ tea and put in fridge, pack the car with a change of clothes or sports kit.

So if I turn up on time to meet you at 7pm in the park, please don’t assume that it’s from zero effort . Especially when I’ve collected one child from one school , taken his sports kit and fed him on the journey, dropped him at football, Collected another child from her school, changed her into brownies uniform, fed her, taken her to brownies, collected son from football and dropped him at his mates because he doesn’t want to come to park, and then collected DD from brownies to meet you at the park.

And yes, I will be annoyed when you say “ sorry I’m 30 mins late, I had to go and choose a birthday present for my mothers birthday next week / had to pick up a Starbucks/ do a quick trip round Tesco” .

So please don’t tell me that being on time is easy for me because it’s not effort whereas is IS effort for you .

Of course I know it’s harder if you have depression or SN kids or no car or care for your mother with dementia . But no one is complaining about these people being late. It’s the people who can but CBA that piss off everyone.

PrimalLass · 13/05/2018 15:36

If I've invited someone to my house at 4pm then I don't want them there at 5 to.

Mycatsarebetterthanyours · 13/05/2018 15:37

My sister is always late so if timing is important i tell her to be at mine at least half an hour before she needs to be.

When she's been with me and needs to leave to go somewhere else I've seen why she is late, she faffs, starts doing unnecessary things (usually on her phone, e.g. googling something, looking something up that can wait, getting into text convos with people etc). Sometimes she will put her shoes on and then start fannying around with something before she eventually leaves. It's almost as though she can't be bothered to actually make the journey so she keeps delaying it. There's just never any urgency which is annoying when you're on the receiving end!

cardibach · 13/05/2018 15:45

What is it then, PrimalLass?

Oldbutstillgotit · 13/05/2018 15:46

Several years ago I met a woman who was new to the area, we got chatting and enjoyed a few coffees together . She was always late but not chronically so I didn’t say much . After a while I introduced her to a couple of friends and invited her to join us for a meal and drinks. She turned up an hour late, no apology and was a bit annoyed that we had just ordered. Other meetings were the same so i spoke to her and she was very dismissive. Final straw was when the 4 of us planned a weekend in Spain. She wasn’t ready when I arrived to pick her up and, frankly, was making no effort to hurry so I left and just made it to the airport on time. We were all bombarded with angry phone calls as she missed her flight. I told her to catch a later flight but she refused saying we weren’t real friends.

Ruffian · 13/05/2018 15:47

Really PrimalLass? You would mind if they were just 5 mins early? If I've got people coming I start to expect them around 10 - 5 mins before the time. I don't think that's unacceptably early!

My sister is always deliberately late to family occasions so she can make a big entrance with the crowd all there. It's unbearably egotistical

Original poster
CulinaryUnderbelly · 13/05/2018 15:47

I'm not talking about adults with SEN, or adults with children who have SEN. I'm not talking about parents of newborns, or adults with elderly parents for whom they care.

Just a bog standard person, with children in school who can't be arsed to get anywhere on time.

OP posts:
Allfednonedead · 13/05/2018 15:48

You’re all making this distinction between people with SN and those who CBA, but how would you know? I’ve always been a late person (and yes, that includes for work etc) and it made me miserable.
It still makes me stressed, but I forgive myself a bit more since I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 44.
On the other hand, I’m much nicer than many of you because I’m prepared to be forgiving and understanding if I’m on the receiving end of lateness - why is it such a big deal?
If a friend is always late, why can’t you just Conduct the friendship to take account of that? Wait in the pub with a drink, instead of outside. Arrange to meet at the playground, so your kids aren’t bored, don’t cook soufflé if they’re coming to dinner, that kind of thing.

soggydigestive · 13/05/2018 15:48

I find it quite bizarre that the late people think being early is rude

Halebeke425 · 13/05/2018 15:52

Speaking for myself, both my parents where not good timekeepers and rarely got us anywhere on time or ensured we learnt to organise ourselves properly. As a result, I really struggled with my apprenticeship at
17 as I just seemed to continually be five minutes late at least and unlike the shit school I went to (where just turning up was celebrated) the college and work placement wouldn't let it slide and it was a massive learning curve for me but I'm much better now.

The vast majority of the time I am early or on time for everything, I still find it a challenge though. The only times I'm really running late now is usually to do with getting all the family ready and out the house and either underestimating how long that takes or ridiculous unforeseen events like baby poonamis! I respect other people's time I just wasn't raised punctually but I've worked very hard to correct it!

I know a few similar people too and don't take it personally they always are apologetic and seem at constant battle with themselves to be more organised. I don't think I know any uncaring piss takers though I don't doubt they exist.

MollyDaydream · 13/05/2018 15:52

I struggle to believe there are adults out there that genuinely believe that 'meet at 3pm' means 'leave the house at 3pm' or 'be ready to go at 3pm' or even 'start thinking about getting ready at 3pm'.

You know that there is travel time, and you know how long it takes to get ready to leave the house - you've done it almost every day of your life.

TheFirstMrsDV · 13/05/2018 15:56

On the other hand, I’m much nicer than many of you because I’m prepared to be forgiving and understanding if I’m on the receiving end of lateness - why is it such a big deal?

That doesn't make you nicer.

Why is it such a big deal? I don't like being cold, getting wet, missing the start of a film, missing a train, being rude to service users who are waiting for me to turn up so they can get on with their day because a colleague cba to sort themselves out.

People are not only late when we are sitting in the sun with a glass of wine and a good book. They are late when its snowing and we have to pick our kids up from school or get to a hospital appointment.

Shodan · 13/05/2018 15:56

What you need to do is arrange a time and then turn up an hour an half late and see if they will wait around for you for a change, I bet they won't

I used to have a friend who would get me to pick her up before a night out, drive back to mine and then share a cab to go out (it did work out cheaper for us both tbf). However, every time I arrived, she would keep me waiting for a minimum of 10 minutes while she finished titivating.

I started telling her I'd be there twenty minutes before I actually planned to be there- but she still kept me waiting. I upped it to half an hour before, and got the same thing. In the end I lost my temper and demanded to know why she cba to be ready on time.

"Oh," she giggled "I know you're going to be a bit late, you always are, so I wait until you're outside before I get ready."

I knocked her block off, stomped on her head and then did a Morris dance on it gave up then. No more lifts from me.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/05/2018 15:58

On the other hand, I’m much nicer than many of you Why thank you Smile Or did the irony of that judgemental sentence escape you?

If a friend is always late, why can’t you just Conduct the friendship to take account of that? Because I expect friendships to be a 2-way thing. And the people I have chosen to walk away from are just rude buggers. I do have a friend who has a teen son with all sorts of troubles. Because of his SN she is often late. She texts and I wait. Often she texts again, and I wait some more... or we agree to rearrange when he isn't as anxious. We do that because we are both self aware adults.

how would you know? You can tell who are the rude buggers, the lazily late people by their dismissive attitude, their inability to accept that their lateness could possibly be irritating. It's really easy to spot the difference.

I bet you apologise... try to explain a little bit, maybe even text to warn. I bet, being such a nice person and all, you don't simply dismiss the friend you were late to meet as being semi hysterical for being a little bit put out if you are really late! That's what self aware adults try to do...