If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

I've had this problem and am still working on it.

Some of the reasons were:

Social anxiety and a strong fear of being early and having to make small talk with people I was afraid of (almost everyone).

OCD and feeling too anxious about every little thing which must be done before leaving the house, and which at that moment seemed massively important.

Both of the above fears would rule my actions, even above any embarrassment or feeling of letting others down. I already had low self-esteem and failing to meet everyone's expectations again couldn't have made it even lower.

And yes, at some times in life I've been late for important things as well as day-to-day things.

I didn't even realise for a long time that most people assume you're being deliberately rude or selfish when you're late. I had thought no-one would really notice or care. I remember one occasion where someone was concerned I hadn't arrived, and I was genuinely surprised they even noticed.

I never let anyone know IRL that I've had mental health difficulties. Perhaps some people might make allowances in a kind way, but it would seem a bit greedy to ask for this, and I don't want to be spoken to like a charity case, or patronised. It would be too undignified and it has felt "less worse" to let everyone assume I am just a rude, selfish person.

Of course, I've been angry and upset with myself many times. However, the real changes began when I finally found the right help and developed some self confidence.

I find it quite bizarre that the late people think being early is rude

That's because you don't seem to know that timekeeping is a culturally variable attitude, and so subjective. I'm not a chronically late person - though I do have to very much work at it, having been raised by chronically late parents - but I find someone coming early to my house when I'm hosting incredibly annoying. I have one friend who I have to tell to come half an hour later than everyone else because otherwise he's ringing the doorbell half an hour beforehand, while I'm still cooking, not yet dressed in my nice clothes, etc. You'd think he'd grasp that since he does this every time and every time it's at least 45 minutes before anyone turns up then he might be the one out of cultural step here, but he's so smug about 'always being on time' that he can't see that. This whole thread reminds me of him...

For most people, time keeping is variable - you're not always early or late by the same amount. I would allow at least an hour's contingency time if travelling half an hour for a job interview, but it would be madness to allow that for a coffee with a friend. It's very rude to leave someone waiting in the pub for half an hour, but, I think, fine to be half an hour later if going round to their house for a drink, especially if you tell them first.

As someone who rarely late, why should I have to factor in someone's "getting ready" time? We arrange to meet at 8pm, why would I be there 30 minutes early?

*I started telling her I'd be there twenty minutes before I actually planned to be there- but she still kept me waiting. I upped it to half an hour before, and got the same thing. In the end I lost my temper and demanded to know why she cba to be ready on time.

"Oh," she giggled "I know you're going to be a bit late, you always are, so I wait until you're outside before I get ready."

I knocked her block off, stomped on her head and then did a Morris dance on it gave up then. No more lifts from me.*

But from her point of view she was right - you were always later than you said, in a way that while clearly patterned to you, probably seemed random to her. If you'd just been a grown-up and spoken to her about it at the beginning rather than playing your 'progressively later' game it sounds like you'd actually have solved the problem.

I find it quite bizarre that the late people think being early is rude.

Well it is.

If we invite my mother in law round for 3 o’clock and she turns up at 2.30, I’m not ready, the house isn’t tidy and I didn’t invite her round at 2.30. It’s rude.

I can’t get very het up about people being late unless it’s going to affect what you’re about to do. Surely it’s entirely dependent on circumstances. If you’ve booked a table for dinner with friends at 8 and they turn up at 9 then that’s a problem. If you’ve arranged to meet another couple in the pub at 8 and they turn up at 8.30, who cares?

Well Margaret thanks for the explanation. Nonetheless it seems you're saying its fine to be half an hour late and yet not half an hour early, despite timekeeping being a culturally variable attitude ie when it suits you it's fine.

Nonetheless it seems you're saying its fine to be half an hour late and yet not half an hour early, despite timekeeping being a culturally variable attitude hmm ie when it suits you it's fine.

I'm saying that in some circumstances, by UK norms, it's rude to be late and in others its rude to be early (there are more of the former than the latter). It's rude to be half an hour early to someone's party at their home, but fine to be half an hour early to the pub; rude to be half an hour late to the pub but fine to be half an hour late to a party at someone's home. Because they're different situations.

Culinary No idea about your friend, and I'm not a tinkly laugh sort of person. It is 'just me'. Just another facet of who I am. I'm not late to be annoying etc. If I've arranged to see someone then I want to see them. If they go off without me then so be it. I wouldn't have a hissy fit, I'd blame my own inability to be on time. Equally if they're late, I'll wait (from whatever time I've arrived). School pick up used to frazzle me. My younger DD is in her last year of Uni, but still I get the cold fear of three o'clock.

Margaret is 100% right. It’s clearly ruder to leave someone waiting on their own in an unfamiliar place than being the last person or couple arriving for a group. It’s ruder to be late for a funeral than a coffee morning. Turning up on the dot for informal, casual invitations can be, if not rude, at least tedious.

I have dyslexia, part of how it affects me is that I struggle to judge how long a journey will take or how much time to allow for a series of tasks.

I was diagnosed at 33. Prior to that, I was the person you all judged for being rude or not caring.

Really eastmids? turning up to the dot can be tedious

I am often late. I get so anxious about everything, leaving home, new situations, crowds, talking to people. it makes me dither. I want to put everything off. But i dont. Not always. I dig deep. I face my fears. And i am late. But i get there.

I have lost friends because of it, but the lateness was an excuse. I was bumped off because my anxieties made me a little bit ... different? Hard work? I am not sure really. But i try not to worry about it. Friendship is a 2 way thing. I give 100 percent and fight my fears for them. If thats not good enough for them, then they are not good enough for me.

Is that so though bangin because like pp have said, theres a difference between someone who genuinely struggles and someone who cba or acts like their time is more important than the other persons.

I honestly wouldn't mind if they turned up at my house 30 minutes early because that would mean I could spend more time with them. I love this person very much, but the fact they turn up 30 minutes to an hour late means they don't feel the same way

bangin I have inattentive ADHD. I too struggle to judge things, so rather than judge I use Google whether I'm walking or driving.
I had a new client start last week living in a different town from me. So I put the postcode into maps and it said 23 minutes. I then added 10 minutes for traffic. Before leaving I regularly asked Google what the time was and left 33 minutes before my appointment.
Google is your friend. I'm always on time now.

Really eastmids? turning up to the dot can be tedious hmm

Absolutely. Especially if I’m about to spend several hours with them.

If I’ve invited people round for 7 o’clock, I would rather they turned up at 7.15 rather than bang on 7, like it was a dentist’s appointment.

People refusing to accept that the time they arrange will never work for us (when being clearly told that at the time) then being surprised when we are late (but I suspect that may be for another thread)
Running a business that's not 9-5 and people can turn up in the yard at any time which even telling them you have to leave and sorting someone out to help or rearrange when they come back takes 5 mins.
A dd with dyslexia, ADD and suspected PDA who makes some things more challenging than others so can result in a delay to find things/ calm down/ or not want to go at the very last minute.
This is why I very rarely take on anything non essential

I really admire the people who've posted on here admitting they're often late. I think it's very brave when the majority of posters are irritated by it.

It also tells you something about the kinds of people they are - and different attitudes aren't better or worse, just different. All my very close friends have very compatible timekeeping habits to me - not because I've been actively using it as some sort of filtering method, but because people who are always more or less on time but pretty relaxed about the odd five/ten minutes here and there are generally much more like me, personality wise, than either the always-on-the-dot or the always-running-an-hour-late. I like the friend who's always half an hour early, but I find him rigid in lots of ways, and quite annoying sometimes because of it - I suspect he finds me irritatingly laidback and casual about the same things. So I suspect that's why eastmids finds exact punctuality for casual things tedious, and why some other people find someone else running late a personal insult. Because the timekeeping attitude actually reveals something much larger, and incompatible personalities.

That's interesting, Margaret. Yes, I know what you mean.

I really admire the people who've posted on here admitting they're often late. I think it's very brave when the majority of posters are irritated by it.

I also think it was pretty disingenuous of the OP to start a thread pretending she wanted to hear the other side, just so she could then have a go at anyone who genuinely answered her question and tell them they're bad people.

I tend to be later for friends because the timings are not routine. For work, I'd have a much clearer idea of journey timings, appropriate contingency and would get used to doing everything 5 days a week. With friends, timings and locations vary. Seeing friends is relaxing and it's harder to manually exert that mental pressure and stress to force myself out of the house that I would for a formal appointment. Formal appointments tend to have appropriate waiting spaces too, so there isn't the worry over being rude and catching people in a sweaty state as they finish with the vacuum 10 minutes earlier. I find transitions difficult even if it's something that I want to do entirely for myself. When I get home, I need 5-10 minutes to chill in the car before entering the house.

I can time in stages like getting dressed, breakfast, washing. It's the last minute stages of running around the house for 5 minutes looking for the glasses that I put in my pocket 5 minutes earlier that really hinders me, and there always seems to be something.

I also seem to find it difficult to keep pace with time, so say it's 8:35 and preparations to get out to school are going well, my brain relaxes and gets stuck on 8:35, meanwhile it's now slipped to 8:44 and we're now in mad rush mode to make it on time.

As an adult it has emerged that there is a lot of dyslexia and dyspraxia in my family, and for a variety of reasons, I do wonder if I may have dyspraxia, organisation being one of them, and it did cause me significant difficulties at various points.

I'm better at time keeping than most of my family. I tend to be just in the nick of time, but if it's clear that I'm running late then I do warn people. My friends tend to be relaxed on timekeeping. We tend to set a time zone e.g. 5:30 to 6 which works better for all than a rigid 5:45.

I'm dyspraxic and I struggle with my time and getting my self ready. Despite this however I am never late because I strategise by making lists, packing and laying mine and my babies clothes out the night before, using alarms, checking routes beforehand, printing maps and always setting off 15- 20 minutes earlier than I think I should.

I wouldn't be able to get away with being consistently late for an employer and I respect my friends and family and their time.

Margaret not sure about my being disingenuous, just wanted to understand why people who are late don't seem to realise that it's hurtful to the person who is waiting.

Being disorganised doesn't trump other peoples' feelings

This ^^

Like PPs, I've also noticed that some who insist they "just can't organise themselves" are actually pretty good at doing so when it's something which really matters to them