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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you're always late, can I ask why?

568 replies

CulinaryUnderbelly · 13/05/2018 14:14

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else Angry

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 17/05/2018 20:40

"I'm often late by 5 or 10 minutes. "

Nobody's complaining about that type of lateness, are they.

Mummadeeze · 18/05/2018 07:04

I think the reason I am late is because I will plan my journey based on the optimistic view of everything going to plan. If the bus comes quickly and I make my train and then my connection, and I find the place I am going to easily then I am not late. However, sometimes transport lets me down and then I am late. One time I was going to the airport and I planned the time I should leave based on how long each leg of the journey took according to an online journey planner. My colleague said to me I needed to leave quite a bit earlier. I didn’t want to leave work earlier than necessary but she talked me into it. When I got to Victoria there were massive queues for tickets and I hadn’t thought of factoring that in. If I had left at the time I wanted to I definitely would have missed my plane. I am sorry for keeping people waiting, I definitely always aim to be on time!

AjasLipstick · 18/05/2018 07:10

Mumma, being on time means allowing for more time. Then if you're early...all good!

BigPinkBall · 18/05/2018 09:05

I can’t believe that people plan getting to a destination based on literally the amount of time the journey takes and not allowing any contingency.

I know it takes about 20 minutes to drive to the nearest town, if I plan to meet someone there I know I need to allow 5 minutes for picking up my coat and bag, getting into the car and getting my seat belt on, I then know I might not get a parking space immediately so I need to allow 15 minutes in case I need to try a different car park plus another 5 minutes to walk from the car park to the town centre but I don’t want to be rushing so I add another 5 minutes. So I leave 50 minutes before I need to be there, now obviously I risk being 20 minutes early but that’s not a problem because I can always sit in my car or look around the shops first.

It seems like a lot of people don’t want to risk having to spend their own time waiting if they’re early so they’d rather be late and make other people wait.

MirriVan · 18/05/2018 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigPinkBall · 18/05/2018 09:19

@MirriVan I also think it’s fascinating that lots of people who are regularly late object to people turning up early, and see those people as inconsiderate of their time but don’t see themselves being late as being inconsiderate of other people’s time.

MirriVan · 18/05/2018 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 18/05/2018 11:48

TBH though I really had to train myself to allow enough time. Because if I go by how much time I think it takes it's never anywhere close to enough. Yet when I really add everything together, add 5-15 minutes for contingency at various stages and look at it properly it often adds up to over an hour or even sometimes 2-3 hours and I just can't believe that this is really correct because it seems far too long. So I had to learn to override that impression of "That can't be right!" and just try it out, and it often is right. I had to do the same thing with allowing myself enough time to eat as well. I think this is a quick task I should be able to accomplish in less than 20 minutes, but in reality I've got to disengage from the task I'm doing, think about what to eat, prepare it, clean up, actually eat - all of this takes about an hour minimum when added together. And perhaps other people can do it faster but it's about realising that I'm not other people and I need to work with how things are for me.

dustarr73 · 18/05/2018 13:53

@BertieBots, thats spot on.I think late people dont count the minutes it actually takes to even get out the door.All them invisible minutes add up

IrmaFayLear · 18/05/2018 16:57

Yes, it’s all about being thoughtful - not just about other people, but in the case of yourself too to avoid stress.

I suppose the hopeless “late” cases are those people who seriously don’t give a damn if they’re late and/or see it as some kind of badge of honour, that they are busy busy busy or even worse, ditzy .

BertieBotts · 18/05/2018 17:23

One of my friends said she had noticed a certain behaviour in her husband and she wondered whether leaving everything until the last minute/leaving too little time for something was something people do because they like the adrenaline rush from only just managing to arrive somewhere on time. I actually think there might be some truth in that. I wouldn't have said that's why I do something, and I do prefer to be relaxed and have enough time, overall, but I do feel extremely efficient and accomplished if I leave late but arrive on time, which is silly really, because it's just down to luck!

IrmaFayLear · 18/05/2018 18:26

I think it’s a bit of an ego thing too. Some people think they gain kudos from rushing up at the last minute (or late) whereas the schmuck who is already sitting there is the sad twit who has no life. (Steaming to myself even thinking about the person I know who regularly does this...)

Gwenhwyfar · 18/05/2018 19:23

"I think it’s a bit of an ego thing too. Some people think they gain kudos from rushing up at the last minute (or late) whereas the schmuck who is already sitting there is the sad twit who has no life."

Exactly. That's why if you try to turn the tables by being late yourself they'll go somewhere else rather than be the person who waits. They think they're too important to wait.

grandplans · 18/05/2018 21:01

That's why if you try to turn the tables by being late yourself they'll go somewhere else rather than be the person who waits. They think they're too important to wait.

This is such a boring refrain - and it really cuts when the reason you're late is despite struggling with mental processing disorders or low self esteem or any one of zillion things.

I don't doubt there are egotistical wankers who don't care about other people, but I haven't seen any evidence of them on this thread. I've seen people bearing their souls about a part of their life they find tough.

Also, both assumptions in this statement are untrue.
Personally, I'm often late, I'm very accommodating to others who are late. I don't judge them.

I do judge those who make unkind assumptions about other people, though. I'd rather be friends with a nice scatter brain than someone who's narrow minded and judgmental.

NotClear · 18/05/2018 22:56

Definitely it's all about miscalculations with me.

I'm not always late, but since reading this thread I have changed my ways and notice I didn't count the little last minute things. Now I do, and now I have it down to a T. It still doesn't allow for mishaps like spilt breakfast and change of school uniforms, or lost PE kits, but on the whole it's improved. I also now have the mentality of expecting to waste a bit of time the other end (because I've got spare time and have arrived early), rather than trying to fit it all in and waste no time ever, but risk being a few minutes late because of it.

Now I have a choice, to keep practising my newfound knowledge, or to go back to my old ways. But up until reading this thread, I wasn't aware of what needed to be changed. It simply wasn't obvious to me and I suppose I had got used to it over the years (you don't suddenly wake up as a late person overnight!).

Gwenhwyfar · 19/05/2018 00:20

"I do judge those who make unkind assumptions about other people, though. I'd rather be friends with a nice scatter brain than someone who's narrow minded and judgmental."

I don't think it's narrow minded and judgemental to be annoyed with people being more than half an hour late, often an hour late when people are eating together. I've said many times that I don't mind up to 20 mins and am often late myself if meeting a group in an informal setting.

My comments are based on my own experience and in my case are not assumptions but knowledge.

grandplans · 19/05/2018 09:14

I don't think it's narrow minded and judgemental to be annoyed with people

I wasn't criticising people being annoyed. Of course people are annoyed.

I was criticising the constant repetition of the idea that people who are late must think we're more important than other people.

There is no evidence for this on this thread. Instead you have people bearing their souls explaining mental processing disorders, low self esteem and poor planning skills. But yet people keep saying the same thing.

Like this gem:

That's why if you try to turn the tables by being late yourself they'll go somewhere else rather than be the person who waits. They think they're too important to wait.

To keep saying stuff like this, in the context of this thread is just sticking the knife in IMO, and these judgemental twats can get their knife out of me, thank you very much.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/05/2018 10:38

Grandplans - I will keep pointing out that my late friends won't wait for me thank you. If you choose to take it as a personal criticism of you, so be it.

We've had plenty of people who claim not to be able to process time, admit that they can when they really have to, but that this might make them early and they can't be early, oh no, waiting for people is for others.

And low self-esteem? Really? It's not possible that the person who always has to wait, looking like they've been stood up, have low self-esteem?

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