If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

@IrmaFayLear some people have laid themselves bare on this thread and to state
I am never, ever, ever late. Not because I am supremely organised and have a special power to determine how fast time passes, but because I don't think I am superior to the person I'm meeting and therefore act accordingly.

Is a little cutting. You will see that some people think they are inferior to others or owe them something and that's why they are late. They often can't be assertive, they often get anxious about things which in their head trump 'being a little late'. They are trying to please too many people at the same time.
I think I owe something to everyone and am worth very little so please don't assume you know my motives. My intentions are just sometimes misplaced.

You are saved! Praise the Lord!

That was to your first post, not your second!

I do understand the person who telephones or calls in, and makes you late for the next thing. It is awkward if you pick up the phone and it's an aged aunt and you don't want to be unkind and say you can't talk, even if you have to be somewhere. That's why I rarely pick up the phone, and even more rarely call anyone! I hate the thought of someone thinking, "Oh, no, it's Irma and I'm busy..."

@IrmaFayLear thank you. Small steps but a revelation to me!!

I am never, ever, ever late. Not because I am supremely organised and have a special power to determine how fast time passes, but because I don't think I am superior to the person I'm meeting

This nonsense once again.

The people - myself included - who have been honest about our reasons for being late have included disability, people pleasing and low self esteem. I haven't read anyone saying anything that implies they feel superior - yet people like you keep trotting this line out.

I can only include it's how you think, you see yourself as superior to other people and it's your motivation for doing certain things.

I can't think of any other reason you people keep saying it, with no evidence to support this idea other than your own assumptions.

Reasons, reasons, excuses....

Must go, or I shall be LATE to an appointment. Or I could stay MNetting...

@Irma, I really don't think I'm superior; I think the opposite actually, and I'm also not very assertive, whilst being a massive people pleaser (and I have mobility issues). So, if someone knocks on the door or stops to chat to me, or calls me, I'm really hopeless at saying that I don't have time to talk, etc. I'm also not good at saying "no", so often end up with too much to do, and not enough time to do it in.

Actually, my issues get me down so much that I've previously looked into euthanasia to see if my conditions would qualify me, and what the rules are, if any, so that I have some options for my future. Being judged is one of the things that really gets me down, although I realise that everyone is entitled to their opinion.

With respect though, ScienceIsTruth, you can choose to work around this.

When you are due somewhere, don't answer the door. Don't answer the phone. Don't stop when someone slows down to catch you, practise saying 'can't stop, sorry! Catch up later!' while you keep moving.

You've successfully identified the reasons you are late so now you can figure out how to mitigate them.

If you struggle with assertiveness and saying 'no', have you thought about or tried any self help materials or therapy to get better at this? It's a shame to just accept that this aspect of your personality that leads to all kinds of problems is just the way it is when there's so much available these days to help you take control. If you really want to.

You say you struggle with saying 'no' but that's basically what you're doing to the people you're late meeting with, by prioritising whatever has just come up for you, you're saying to the people you're letting down 'no, you're not important to me. My time and these other people are more important to me than you are'.

Cross post, sorry. I wouldn't have said what I did if I'd seen your post about euthanasia and how badly being judged gets to you. I wasn't trying to be nasty, sorry. I do hope you realise there's help out there though if you do want to become more assertive.

it can help to see the telephone as a request not a demand and the same with texts and emails. If you are a rush just dont' answer the phone or door.

However we are only chatting on here. If people are feeling very bad about things definitely try to get help. Do not get anyone else to kill you nor do it yourself. There are other options.

Xenia is right, this is an internet discussion with strangers who have no emotional investment. If it is making you feel suicidal you absolutely must seek out real life help. You can call Samaritans at any time of the day and night and your GP may be able to refer you to sources of support. It is important to reach out for help before it goes beyond the point where you feel able to

I'm rarely late. I walk through situations in my head, thinking about step by step details like where I will park, is it coin only so do I need to get change etc.

I'm not super organised generally but if I need to be somewhere l will have rehearsed it.

That's a really good and thought provoking post, MirriVan! I agree with your points on self esteem.

I’m punctual but married to an over optimistic late person. DH always thinks he can fit in more stuff to any given time slot than is realistic.

I know only bother about his timekeeping when it affects me and leave him to miss his train, arrive late to work, collect his DCs etc. My DSCs know if they need a lift on time to ask me!

If it’s vital we get somewhere together on time, then I start getting me and him ready so much sooner than I would need normally.

Yep to all of that. It's actually easier to claim you have low self esteem in this culture because it's frowned upon to show any sign of thinking highly of yourself. If someone happily says that their self esteem is great, they think they look great, they know they're pretty smart, they will usually be looked at as big headed or even called delusional by people wanting to tear them down.

So it's easy to say you have low self esteem as it's self effacing and humble and feeds into the idea that we should always put others first.

I'm not saying people with persistent lateness can't also have low self esteem, but to blame it for being late is an error I think, you're absolutely right, you must have pretty high self esteem to consider your time much more important than the person you're fucking around. Someone with low self esteem would do whatever it took to be on time, even at their own inconvenience, because they feel they're less worthy than others.

“you must have pretty high self esteem to consider your time much more important than the person you're fucking around. Someone with low self esteem would do whatever it took to be on time, even at their own inconvenience, because they feel they're less worthy than others.”

I’m not getting into the self esteem thing, because it’s not something I mentioned.

But when I’m late (strictly speaking I’m not always, but I know I have an issue with it) it’s not because I’m fucking someone around.

The stuff that makes me late is stuff I have to do to leave or get there. I don’t go, ooh I’ve got 20 minutes here, I’ll do something else, because I know that’ll stuff my time up, i don’t spend time doing my hair or matching my clothes if I’m cutting into my spare time I’ve built in for emergencies, because I don’t class them as being as important as getting there on time,

It’s always either I break or lose something I need to get where I’m going, or traffic that my sat nav hasn’t picked up, or a road closed that it doesn’t show or I take a wrong turn and end up somewhere awkward to get back out of... actually I might need a new sat nav reading that back, lol

You need a sat nav that updates to traffic or an app that does the same.

The people I know who are late are in 2 categories:

5-10 minutes which doesn't bother me
15-30 minutes which annoys me so I only ever meet those people at a house or with others
30+ minutes who I no longer bother with.

I have friends with anxiety and ocd so I'm careful to be on time or let them know I'm running late.

I wouldn't mind 15 minutes so much but I found that not saying anything led it to 20 mins then 25 etc.

I’m like that, Talith. I fret about where i’m going to park, what the payment system is, if it’s going to be busy etc etc. I google wherever it is i’m going and might even ring up (!) so i’m Sure of what the system is.

Today, for example, I dropped dh at the station because as he was going to work late, I knew the car park would be full (as it is by 7.30am...). Anyway, I see a couple frantically driving round, wild eyed, with no hope of getting a space. They’ll miss their train, and possibly whatever it is they are going to see or visit. Forward planning is essential!!

I'm often late by 5 or 10 minutes. Do I think my time is more important than someone else's? No, I don't think so. It's more that I have too much to do. The things I'm usually late for are the ones where I don't have any say in the start time whilst simultaneously not having any say in the finish time of the previous thing. So I'm often running into meetings (for voluntary stuff I do) 5 minutes late because actually the turnaround time isn't long enough (e.g. finishing work 75 minutes before I need to be at a meeting when my commute is over an hour and I need to get changed before I leave and find parking when I get to the other end. Or finishing one meeting and having less than an hour to pack up and clean up after it, get home, feed my children, wait for a babysitter, and get out again.

I hate it when people arrive early for things, especially if they are coming to my house. It is equally giving a message that their time is more important than mine. They're not caring that I might have had other plans for the 15-20 minutes of my time they've decided to take up.

I have to say, I'm mostly talking about meetings (I seem to have a lot of those). I'm usually on time for social events or if I'm not, I'll have already said I might be running late when I've agreed to meet up.