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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I'm weird about food.

245 replies

Russet56 · 13/05/2018 13:09

My husband has a habit of eating any food he happens across, raw ingredients are usually safe from him but any food that can be eaten straight from the fridge or cupboard is fair game. He says it's just food, it's meant to be eaten, I can always buy more and if I object I'm "being weird about it". Thing is it's very often something I've bought for a specific reason. Matters came to a head yesterday because I'd bought some Manchego cheese for a recipe I was making, he knew this because he commented that I don't often buy Manchego and I told him what it was for. When I went to get it from the fridge he'd removed the waxy rind and put it back in the packaging but the cheese was gone, he freely admitted eating it and could see nothing wrong with it. Putting the packaging back is one of the things he does, I'm always finding empty packets carefully put back in place.

He's always been what I would call competitive about food in a schoolboyish kind of way. Stuff like eating his dinner as fast as possible then helping himself off my plate. I've tried giving him ever bigger and bigger portions but he still does this. If he asks for a bite of my sandwich he'll cram the whole thing in his mouth, if I don't give him any he says I'm hoarding and "being weird about food" Mostly I'm just hungry! I don't begrudge him the food if he really needs it but it's frustrating to plan a meal then find I can't cook it in quite the way I intended because he's eaten some crucial ingredient. Or knowing that I bought some biscuits that morning but going to the tin in the afternoon and being faced with the empty packet. AIBU?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 13/05/2018 19:20

He sounds pathological, there's an element of planning with the cheese rind and placement back in the fridge. It's not normal, and he's gas lighting you

Dragonbait · 13/05/2018 19:22

OP. You mention your husband has obsessions. Are you thinking he could be on the autistic spectrum? If so boundaries and social etiquette is often a huge issue. I'm permanently trying to work on my DD's eating habits and she's 14!

angryburd · 13/05/2018 19:27

I can definitely put it away (eating is my favourite thing to do) but it wouldn't cross my mind to do any of these things. Because I'm not that much of an arsehole.

CoraPirbright · 13/05/2018 19:32

Rarely, very rarely do I consider it good advice to show the culprit the thread the OP has started about them but in this instance, I totally would. There is one person who is weird about food in your house hold, OP, and it ain’t you.

It’s def some kind of weird control thing. There was a thread like this ages ago where the OP had reached the end of her tether with her dh who did the things you describe here. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when her DH left the pub early to purposefully go home and tear the place apart to find her specially hidden chocolate that someone had given her as a gift (or perhaps it was teh children’s chocolate - I forget). Anyway I think that the general gist of the thread was ltb.

Oh, and the boarding thing is a total fucking red herring (as per with MN and any mention of boarding). Me and my entire extended family plus DH and his entire extended family are all boarders and none of us act like this greedy, controlling jerk.

Tattybear16 · 13/05/2018 19:37

Good lord, what happens if you go out to a restaurant, does he pull up a chair to the next table when he’s finished his dinner and help them eat theirs. He needs counselling or a cage, I’ve kept pets that didn’t behave like this. He’s got a nerve stating you’ve got problems, buy him a mirror.

DarthArts · 13/05/2018 19:37

@CoraPirbright

Yup - boarding school explains every shitty behaviour 🙄

DarthArts · 13/05/2018 19:39

he needs a cage

Wins thread Grin

Maelstrop · 13/05/2018 19:41

He needs counselling or a cage, I’ve kept pets that didn’t behave like this.

Pmsl? Totally.

I’m sorry, OP, it’s controlling, nasty behaviour from someone who really doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings.

Original poster
Russet56 · 13/05/2018 19:50

Once again, I haven't had time to read all the replies so please don't think I'm deliberately ignoring anyone.

He hasn't always been like this. Pinching food from me isn't and never has been an everyday occurrence and the scoffing everything in sight is quite recent. He never took food from the children. Things blew up over Cheesegate because I was so pissed off that he knew what I needed it for but ate it anyway, and I'm still sufficiently pissed off today to be motivated to post about it. He knows I'm pissed off, trust me. We had the meal cooked with cheddar instead of manchego and it probably wasn't as nice but there you go.

I'm wondering if all this could be to do with grief to be honest, two of his friends have died within the last 6 months and one of them was in very sudden and traumatic circumstances. He doesn't really like to talk about it but maybe it's affecting him?

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 13/05/2018 19:57

If it is very recent and unusual behaviour, I'd get him wormed.

Pa1oma · 13/05/2018 19:59

OP, I think this is bad manners on his part, but I doubt he's doing it to play power games as has been suggested. He probably can't be bothered to actually walk to the bin to throw packaging away, so he just puts it back in the fridge? Or he doesn't register it's empty? My kids do this and it drives me mad. I would assess it on this level.

As for stealing your food, again it's plain rudeness. He has a lack of boundaries in this area. My DH eats loads and so do my teenage boys, but they would never do this.

Thisnamechanger · 13/05/2018 20:08

I'm wondering if all this could be to do with grief to be honest, two of his friends have died within the last 6 months and one of them was in very sudden and traumatic circumstances

It's still shitty behaviour but this may be true. Grief can manifest in some extremely strange ways.

lljkk · 13/05/2018 20:15

Let us know if you ever get to bottom of it, OP. x

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/05/2018 20:23

His behaviour with food is weird but his insistance that you are the one with a problem is weirder

DistanceCall · 13/05/2018 20:25

He is projecting - you aren't weird about food, he is, and I think on some level he knows this.

It may be related to his grieving, yes. You need to point his behaviour out (very calmly, just point out the facts) every single time he does it, and if things don't get better I would suggest that he talk to a professional.

DarthArts · 13/05/2018 21:23

Ok - so it's not long standing behaviour.

That makes it a bit different.

Could it be related to grief? Yes.

Should you indulge this behaviour? No.

Personally I think you need to speak to him when you are both calm and talk about it.

By which I mean being clear that his behaviour is not acceptable and neither is the gaslighting.

I stand by what I said originally - it's not about food though imho.

PasstheStarmix · 13/05/2018 21:27

Op your dh sounds very selfish and ignorant to do that. His behaviour is umacceptable and you mustn’t put up with it. That would drive me crazy.

PasstheStarmix · 13/05/2018 21:29

Oh I’ve just read your other comments. Of course grief can do strange things to people so it most definitely could be that.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2018 21:31

Hmm, op, in you initial post you specifically state he's always been competitive round food and then give examples and use the cramming your sandwich in his mouth as an example.

Then you move to it's recent. Which is it?

frieda909 · 13/05/2018 21:47

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when her DH left the pub early to purposefully go home and tear the place apart to find her specially hidden chocolate that someone had given her as a gift (or perhaps it was teh children’s chocolate - I forget).

I think I remember that thread, or if not then there are a lot of selfish chocolate-scoffing husbands on MN! She had bought some special expensive chocolate for their son as a back-to-school gift, which she could only buy online. She told her husband it was NOT for him to eat and then hid it, but he found it anyway and scoffed the lot. That thread made me so angry! Angry

Mousefunky · 13/05/2018 21:49

Is he three?

BasilFaulty · 13/05/2018 21:59

OP that's an interesting update, I've looked it up and it may go someway to explaining his weird behaviour:

*“Emotional eaters are prone to derail, detour, and divert difficult feelings through food,” says Mary Anne Cohen, director of the New York Center for Eating Disorders. “And grief is the most difficult of feelings.

“After a deep loss, people often sleep, drink, eat, shop, lose themselves on the computer, or engage in any number of activities to dull the ache and fill up the empty space within*

Full link here

www.funeralzone.com.au/blog/grief-and-overeating

HollowTalk · 13/05/2018 22:17

Sorry, but I don't think his behaviour is anything to do with the sad loss of his friends. Who responds to the loss of a friend by grabbing food off their partner's plate? Emotional eating is one thing, where they over eat or drink. Snatching food off others is nothing to do with emotional eating.

Original poster
Russet56 · 13/05/2018 23:35

"Bluntness100

Hmm, op, in you initial post you specifically state he's always been competitive round food and then give examples and use the cramming your sandwich in his mouth as an example.

Then you move to it's recent. Which is it?"

He's always done the "schoolboyish" grabbing things for himself. Not all the time or every day but it's always been something he's done. The incessant fridge and cupboard raiding are more recent and probably started around the beginning of this year, I don't think he was doing it over Christmas. I'm not convinced by the gaslighting theory yet it's more like he genuinely doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and it's only a problem because I'm choosing to get stressed over it.

OP posts:
Pressuredrip · 13/05/2018 23:45

I questioned boarding school too, when I read your post. I'm glad someone else asked it. Food issues are addressed in the boarding school Syndrome support books. Doesn't excuse him from being an arsehole whatsoever though. You shouldn't stand for it. There is a support group for partners of ex boarders on Facebook that might be helpful.

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