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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People annoyed about my wedding

182 replies

14NG88 · 13/05/2018 11:33

Me and my future DH have decided to get married this Summer but this has caused a few problems after telling our parents. We want a small registry office wedding with 5 friends each and no parents or family. My parents love the idea and are very supportive but future DH parents seem to think we should be having a a huge chavtastic wedding involving families and expensive hotels. Does anyone think we are being unreasonable? I've always seen expensive weddings as being very tacky and would rather not bother than have an expensive or pretentious day.

OP posts:
sweetboykit · 13/05/2018 12:31

Our parents ruined our wedding. They were outrageously emotionally abusive and we are only happy we were married. The rest was awful. Also my parents and his parents didn't want us to get married and all their friends and family knew their opinion. So most of our guests knew. We renewed our vows, with just our dcs and it was a day of happiness and celebration. So the moral of the story is do what makes you happy.

Kokeshi123 · 13/05/2018 12:31

I got married in the country I am living in and most relatives could not make it.

I then went back to the UK for a visit and did a sort of "bride-and-groom's coming-home party" where my relatives and family friends got together at my mum's place and there was a sort of big pot-luck/buffet thing where everyone brought a dish and a bottle of wine/crate of beer.

People just had some nice food and chatter and it was casual and cost very little. I even put on my wedding dress and swanked around a bit.... It was super fun and actually much more enjoyable than the wedding itself if I am honest.

Would something like that be an option? It made everyone feel included but did not involve loads of organization or expense.

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 12:32

I'd be annoyed if I wasn't welcome at my DCs wedding too.

I can't imagine our relationship would be the same again tbh.

I think it's selfish and I'd be insulted.

Thankfully that wouldnt happen, as family are very involved in my culture and I know my DC would never do such a thing.

LesLavandes · 13/05/2018 12:33

I think you should invite the parents

Inertia · 13/05/2018 12:33

Have the wedding you want. However, the plans you've made do seem as though you've set out to be hurtful to your parents. If you have a good relationship with them all and want to maintain that, it might be worth a rethink. Obviously, if there's a drip-feed here and it turns out that all of your parents are horrendously abusive, then it would be understandable not to want them there.

A no-fuss wedding with just yourselves and witnesses is also perfectly understandable, and makes sense from the perspective of the marriage (rather than the wedding day) being the thing that matters. But what the parents see is 10 friends, all considered worthy of sharing in this momentous and happy occasion- you clearly are bothering, as you're asking friends. It's not just expensive weddings which are pretentious..

billybagpuss · 13/05/2018 12:34

I wonder how supportive your mum really is, if my kids did that to me I might smile sweetly and say 'whatever you want dear' but be absolutely devastated and hurt inside.

Also 5 friends? hope they're not all in couples or you've got another mn thread 'AIBU to be upset my DH was invited to our friends wedding and I wasn't.'

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/05/2018 12:37

"We want a small registry office wedding with 5 friends each and no parents or family."

I would understand (and like) your choice if you wanted a registry office wedding, with just you two, and strangers as witnesses (or even just one friend each, as witnesses).

However as you are actually planning on having ten guests at your wedding, then that seems like either there is a huge backstory involving your parents or hugely disrespectful towards your parents.

?????

twinkle999 · 13/05/2018 12:37

Your choice OP.

However a large wedding does not = chavtastic or tacky.

I’ve noticed that there is a kind of inverse snobbery about weddings. Just cos you decide to have a small or alternative wedding doesn’t mean it won’t end up being tacky.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 13/05/2018 12:37

You sound awful OP. Your poor parents

Bluesmartiesarebest · 13/05/2018 12:37

If you don’t get on with your future in laws this is not the way to improve your relationship with them. Please rethink your wedding and include both sets of parents. You can still keep things low key and cheap. I’m guessing that a registry office will cost the same if you have 10 guests or 15. You never know, your in laws might even pay for everyone to have drinks in a pub afterwards if you’re nice to them!

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 13/05/2018 12:38

“I’ve noticed that there is a kind of inverse snobbery about weddings. Just cos you decide to have a small or alternative wedding doesn’t mean it won’t end up being tacky.”

Exactly. It’ll probably end up looking cheap and being dull

twinkle999 · 13/05/2018 12:38

PS inviting 10 friends but no parents is quite tacky IMO.

MaggieFS · 13/05/2018 12:39

Gosh, assuming there's no backstory and you have a relationship with your DP I'd be surprised if their hearts weren't breaking inside.

I'm not at all close to DM but my parents did their best for me and spent time and money bringing me up. Like it or not, marriage is a life milestone and I couldn't imagine not having asked them.

There's an infinite spectrum of wedding options between ten friends and 'chavtastic' as you delightfully call it. Don't write off other options.

Creambun2 · 13/05/2018 12:41

Huge weddings tend to the vulgar side of things.

HadronCollider · 13/05/2018 12:41

Is this going to be a big drip feed? Not inviting your parents in preference of friends? And you really believe your parents are delighted by the idea?

Not sure I buy it.

Racecardriver · 13/05/2018 12:42

YANBU. I would be very Hmm if my children choose to have a big wedding (unless they are public figures of some sort that would merit a large wedding that would benefit their carers somehow). I had a registry with friends and family only and an small celebration in the evening for colleagues etc. Everyone enjoyed it and we didn't look like social climbers.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 13/05/2018 12:43

Like pp, no problem at all if they get married alone, but having friends and not parents is quite a statement and I would be disappointed...more about the statement about our relationship than the event (I'm not a wedding person either).

twinkle999 · 13/05/2018 12:43

Huge weddings can often be for cultural reasons.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/05/2018 12:43

You sound clueless and selfish, OP. If your husband to be goes along with this nonsense as well then you're well suited.

I don't know what greater disrespect and insult you could throw at your parents and your PIL to be, but if I were them you'd lose my respect.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/05/2018 12:45

With this set up, I would assume there had been parental abuse.

TheSecretMole · 13/05/2018 12:46

Are you hoping this will get in the Daily Fail?

Dobbythesockelf · 13/05/2018 12:48

Obviously it's your wedding so do what you want but there is a massive middle ground between big wedding and not inviting your parents. Maybe his parents are just upset that you havent invited them? Maybe they have picked up that you don't like them very much and look down on them with your use of language like chavtastic. Who knows.

Ohmydayslove · 13/05/2018 12:49

Op long gone so thread pointless

averylongtimeasSpartacus · 13/05/2018 12:52

Your wedding your choice, but personally, unless there is a huge backstory, then yanvvu.
A small wedding is fine, you don't have to invite hoards if relatives but to exclude both sets of parents in favour of friends seems mean.
I would have been very very upset if either of my children had done this to me, although I would have tried to put a brave face on it.
My bil and sil didn't want anyone else at their wedding, so got married on a beach on the other side of the world.
You run the very real risk of destroying your future relationship with your in laws and your own parents.

GabsAlot · 13/05/2018 12:53

i got married in vegas our parents and siblngs came wouldnt dream of having it without them

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