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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People annoyed about my wedding

182 replies

14NG88 · 13/05/2018 11:33

Me and my future DH have decided to get married this Summer but this has caused a few problems after telling our parents. We want a small registry office wedding with 5 friends each and no parents or family. My parents love the idea and are very supportive but future DH parents seem to think we should be having a a huge chavtastic wedding involving families and expensive hotels. Does anyone think we are being unreasonable? I've always seen expensive weddings as being very tacky and would rather not bother than have an expensive or pretentious day.

OP posts:
boywiththebrokensmile2 · 13/05/2018 12:00

''There's nothing tacky in itself about inviting 200 people. More guests doesn't automatically mean tacky.''

it usually is though imho as simply you and the groom don't know half the bloody guests there and it ends up too impersonal and a mere social event over something private and meaningful. For vast majority of ppl there are not 100 people in their lives they are that close to and you shouldn't be taking 1st cousins unless you are close to them. Like I have many 1st cousins who all live 100s/1000s of miles away and very rarely see them so why should I expect an invite to their wedding and vice versa when our only connection is that our parents are related? Hell I even have 1st cousins that live less than a mile from me but they are all over a decade older and I rarely see them so again just because you are related to somebody should not mean an invite. Aunts and uncles yes because of being the parents sibling but that's the only relations that should be going unless they are close.
Same thing as the parents bringing their friends who hardly know the bride and groom. This all to me is just ridiculous. I have been at a few massive wedding in my time and thoroughly thought they were ridiculous-over packed and a cattle mart and it took away from the day. I know too that the bride and groom hardly knew alot of the people there. Except for people like aunts and uncles and 1 or 2 close friends of the parents then nobody else should be going to a wedding that aren't close to the couple imho.

Grumpyoldblonde · 13/05/2018 12:00

Chavtastic?
I'd be really hurt as a parent, beyond hurt. Big dripfeed coming?

ScrubTheDecks · 13/05/2018 12:00

Maybe they are picking up on your judgmental tone in calling big wedding chavtsstic etc?

You should have either just done an unannounced registry office job (with friends as witnesses if you like) and said ‘oh, by the way, we made it legal) as a real low key thing, or said you are havjng a low key register office wedding and invited your parents.

If you announce it as something that does have guests but not them, how do you think they would feel?

The vast majority of parents would be hurt. Because it’s hurtful.

TheNoseyProject · 13/05/2018 12:01

10 friends is a bigger snub that you 2 and 2 witnesses. Are you expecting to cut out your families on an ongoing basis once you’re married.

I’d put money on them being much more accepting of a registry office with parents (and siblings but no partners) and very significant friends.

I’m surprised you didn’t see coming how hurtful this looks.

ScarlettDarling · 13/05/2018 12:01

You definitely are being unreasonable unless there's a massive backstory about how horrific your parents are. It's so unkind and hurtful to exclude your parents from your wedding day. Have the small wedding you want, (although I fail to see what's 'chavtastic' about a big wedding,) but invite your parents!

KirstenRaymonde · 13/05/2018 12:02

You can have a small wedding with the friends and your parents. I do think it’s sad not to invite your parents, and can see what they’re upset, unless there’s a huge drip feed and they’re all horrendously abusive alcoholics or something. It’s not 5 friends or 200 people massive wedding, there’s plenty of scope inbetween.

NoodleKT · 13/05/2018 12:02

I agree with PP, there is nothing wrong with a small wedding but it seems incredibly odd to not invite parents (especially since you appear to be on speaking terms with them at least!) but to invite friends

yikesanotherbooboo · 13/05/2018 12:03

Please explain why you would not invite your parents?

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/05/2018 12:03

Why wouldn’t you have your parents and in laws 🙄

blueskyinmarch · 13/05/2018 12:04

I would be heartbroken if my DDs got married and invited friends but not us. Why are your parents happy with this? Seems odd to me.

WineAndTiramisu · 13/05/2018 12:04

It seems odd to have 10 friends there but no parents, unless there's a reason for that?

Weezol · 13/05/2018 12:05

Small weddings are fine, right up my street. I much prefer them to huge, debt inducing extravaganzas.

Excluding parents (why?) and using 'chavtastic' are not.

dingdongdigeridoo · 13/05/2018 12:05

Umm, unless there’s a massive backstory about both sets of your parents being abusive drug dealers or something then it’s weird not to invite them. If it was just the two of you, fair enough, but the fact that you’ve invited 10 friends over your parents is odd.

There’s a big gap between excluding your parents and a ‘chavtastic’ wedding, whatever that is. Surely if your registry office holds 12 people it won’t cost much more to get room for a few more?

nibblingandbiting · 13/05/2018 12:05

I don’t understand why you would talk to people about a wedding or any other event for that matter, that they aren’t invited to. Seems really childish and stuff generally grown out of past primary school years

SemperIdem · 13/05/2018 12:06

Is there a reason you’re not inviting the parents?

Angelil · 13/05/2018 12:06

We had a very small wedding (family only, no friends). It came to 11 of us in total (me, husband, both of our sisters, both sets of parents, my grandmother, my aunt and my uncle).

I think you can still achieve what you are wanting to achieve (small exclusive wedding that doesn't involve overspending) without excluding both sets of parents. The cost of the extra 4 people seems worth more than the anguish of leaving them out would cause.

MissClareRemembers · 13/05/2018 12:06

Is it possible for a wedding to be both “chavtastic” and “pretentious”??

Anyway, that aside, I can understand your PIL hurt at not being invited. Ouch. I’m guessing their insistence on a big wedding is actually just to cover their hurt feelings at being excluded from their son’s wedding.

There must be more to this?

ellsbells2 · 13/05/2018 12:07

I would have quite happily got married without parents there, but there's no way I would have had friends there instead. Unless there's a (very) good reason behind it, I think it's very unkind.

Lkjem · 13/05/2018 12:09

Your choice entirely but acknowledge that it is an insult to your parents and will be taken as such.
Still it’s totally understandable if having parents means them taking over, being pushy & complaining every decision etc.
I’d be very upset if my sons did what you’re planning but in the end I’d want them to have the day they wanted & not invite me when they didn’t want me there. But bloody hell “ouch”

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 13/05/2018 12:09

'' I ended up giving in to MIL regarding guest list, and my wedding grew to twice the size and I had to alter the venue to accommodate them all.''

ouch, i read a story about this before and the bride's day was ruined, who exactly did your mil invite to the list?what did dh say?

overnightangel · 13/05/2018 12:10

*awaits the inevitable drip feed....

EdmundCleverClogs · 13/05/2018 12:11

I think there’s zero surprise at the OP’s attitude towards others, considering they also think same-sex parenting isn’t normal and a part of ‘gay propaganda’ Hmm. Almost like they’re deliberately starting contentious threads, but that’s just my opinion.

Lweji · 13/05/2018 12:11

Do you hate your parents?

Because, otherwise, why would you want friends there with you and not them?
It's not as if you're only have two of your closest friends.

I'd be really hurt if you were my child.

BTW, size of the wedding isn't directly related to taste. You can have a chavtastic small wedding. Or you can have a large wedding because you want to share your day with lots of friends and family.

A small wedding with five selected friends can easily seem pretentious and you can find that the excluded resent you.

Lkjem · 13/05/2018 12:13

Nibbling has a good point why are you telling them about it if they’re not invited? Rubbing their faces in it a bit along with your superior chavastic jibe, you seem nice.

UserV · 13/05/2018 12:13

@14NG88

Are you actually being serious?! Shock

YABU sorry. I am all for people doing their wedding the way THEY want, but excluding parents is not on IMO. Unless you have previously had a very bad relationship with them (various kinds of abuse etc....)

You want to invite 10 mates, but not your parents??? That is awful..

I would struggle to move past this if my kids did this to me (and so would my DH,), and my parents would never have forgiven or forgotten me doing it (if I had done this..) It's hurtful, and upsetting, and frankly, quite weird.

Just because YOUR parents are (supposedly) cool with it, and think it's a GREAT IDEA to exclude them, that doesn't mean your partner's parents have no right to be fucked off. I would be!!!

You can have a small-ish, inexpensive wedding, and still invite your parents FGS! Hmm