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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think every woman should read Why Does He Do That?

193 replies

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 07:53

Every woman should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He describes how to recognise abuse, explodes myths around abusive partners, and advises how to get out of an abusive relationship. So a few examples -

So no, men who abuse partners are not more likely to have have had an abusive childhood than men who do not abuse partners.

Men who are controlling and critical and excuse this by saying it is because how their ex partner treated/abused them, are showing that they are abusive men.

You can read it for free here.
unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OP posts:
rodstewartsmerkin · 13/05/2018 08:03

And does it show how women can be abusive in relationships too?

Or is it only men who are abusers?

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:06

You should read it. It answers that question.

OP posts:
Mirrorwriting · 13/05/2018 08:07

YANBU.

Yes both men and women can be abused. Statistically however it is women who are killed.

NewYearNewMe18 · 13/05/2018 08:07

Sunday morning bloke bashing time.

Eolian · 13/05/2018 08:10

I've heard a lot of good things about it on MN and it is great that it has helped so many people, but as a woman happily married to a nice, non-abusive man and with no plans for any further relationships, I'm not sure how much use it would be to me tbh.

rodstewartsmerkin · 13/05/2018 08:11

newyear

Yep.

The two abusive relationships that I’ve known about conclusively IRL were wife abusing husband.

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:13

Bancroft says that it is rare for women to be abusers to men. It does happen, but rare. What is more common is men who are abusers but accuse their female partners of abusing them, when they stand up to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:14

Eolian Fair point. If you have a daughter, would be good to encourage her to read it. He talks about all kinds of abuse, some of which are harder to spot.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 13/05/2018 08:14

You're right OP, that book saved my life.

Hopefully some more posters who don't just want to shout "what about the menz?!" will be along soon.

Mirrorwriting · 13/05/2018 08:16

Eolian it would help you identify and support abused people in your family and social sphere.

userabcname · 13/05/2018 08:16

This seems a pertinent time to remind sarky posters that 2 women die a week at the hands of abusive partners. It's not "man bashing". It's reality.

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:17

MrsGame Glad it helped you so much. Hope everything is okay for you now.

OP posts:
GrannyGrissle · 13/05/2018 08:20

Man bashing FFS. Pathetic goady wankster. Biscuit

theaveragewife · 13/05/2018 08:21

I hope the men got out and are happier now Rod

However there are currently 2 women a week killed at the hands of their abusive male partners, so it’s important for awareness of abuse to be out there. Don’t you think?

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 13/05/2018 08:23

Because some women abuse their partners then posters on a website aimed mainly at women can't post a very useful article about domestic abuse of women. Women being statistically more likely to be abused and physically harmed even killed by their male partners.

Ok then.

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:26

A key point as well though, is that not all abuse is physical.
I realise after reading the book that I have read women on here talking about their partners, and there have been clear signs that their partner was an abuser. Signs that I missed. That is why it is such a great book. If a man is beating up his wife, we can all see that he is an abuser, although the woman needs help to leave him. But we can miss other signs that a man is an abuser, if we don't know what to look out for.

One key warning sign, is how he talks about his ex.

OP posts:
mammynowanauntyIRL · 13/05/2018 08:29

Thanks for link, I've bookmarked it.
I've bought & read a few books on domestic abuse lately having told my H were separating ten weeks ago

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:30

Mammy Hope you are okay.

OP posts:
worridmum · 13/05/2018 08:33

Its not rare the offical statistics mow put it anywere betwen 15% and 30% of the victims being male and sprouting the nonsense its rare just keeps real victims from coming forward.

Like my old friend that was hospitalized 5 times before the police decided to get involved and people kept saying well he must of done something to desevre it or he was abusive too it was disgusting and she openly beat him in public too as in hitting him with hard objects and did not care on jot that she was seen beating him so often sprouting such nonsense that its rare that woman beat men and he would be a wimp to go to the police.

Yes while woman are statistically more likely to be victims stop sprouting of sexist crap that its rare that woman are perptrators because i bet it would be far far higher if there was less stigma about men complaining about being beaten up by women ( i had been to a police station were the domestic abuse officer openly laughed at him saying your a man what do you need police help for?) This was 2015... and still goes on.

CarysMa · 13/05/2018 08:35

I agree with you OP

If posters are going to start whining about NAMALT then just let them get on with it. It is a life changing and an an enlightening book. I will never be abused again. My bar is so high now.

toomuchtooold · 13/05/2018 08:36

I'm reading that book just now, as I'm interested in all this stuff. I'm particularly interested in why (broadly speaking) men abuse women but not vice versa - my hunch is that the sort of women who abuse, usually abuse their children instead - a sort of "kicking down", as someone on here once described it i.e. people who are abusive dole out their abuse to the people they feel they have power over. I also believe that's the reason you see so many posts on here from DILs with difficult MILs but we never see the opposite - if you enjoy a bit of dysfunctional family drama and your kids are already out the house, your options are limited, whereas if you're a mother of young children, your kids are a far better target for abuse than your MIL, who is a grown woman with her own house etc. This was how it was with my mother, who was abusive to me (but in secret, when my dad was not around), controlling with my dad rather than openly abusive, and nice as pie to my granny.

MsGameandWatching · 13/05/2018 08:37

Why can't we talk about this book that is aimed at women without having to involve men too? Why? Why can't a conversation just centre on women, ever?

toomuchtooold · 13/05/2018 08:40

I'd also recommend The Gift of Fear to anyone reading Bancroft's book - it's a few years old now but it explains really well how abusers break boundaries - stuff like forced teaming, how they play on your politeness and so on. It's very good.

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:46

Bancroft says that kicking down dynamic is a myth. If someone is abusive, it is not as a result of being abused.
He also distinguishes the kind of things that happen in most relationships - such as someone shouting in an argument - from abuse. Shouting can be a sign of abuse, but it is not always.

What I have learned the most from are the psychological tactics that he talks about abusers using, and how they are thinking.

OP posts:
NincompoopsShadow · 13/05/2018 08:47

@rodstewartsmerkin sadly too, men are statistically less likely to disclose the abuse, less likely to have their case prosecuted and stay in an abusive relationship longer than an abused woman. I went to a conference about this in Norway. I wanted to learn more because one of my sons is in an (my perspective) frightening situation and I want to support him as much as I can.

I wasn't aware of this book, I'm going to download it now, thank you.