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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think every woman should read Why Does He Do That?

193 replies

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 07:53

Every woman should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He describes how to recognise abuse, explodes myths around abusive partners, and advises how to get out of an abusive relationship. So a few examples -

So no, men who abuse partners are not more likely to have have had an abusive childhood than men who do not abuse partners.

Men who are controlling and critical and excuse this by saying it is because how their ex partner treated/abused them, are showing that they are abusive men.

You can read it for free here.
unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OP posts:
Yoshimi234 · 13/05/2018 09:44

My mother was amongst other things physically abusive in quite extreme ways. One of my siblings then lived with a women who beat him. I know only too well it can happen.

But it is rare compared to male violence. Posters talk about shame for men but for women DV is much more likely to be normalised which also affects reporting rates. And if eg, sexual violence were to get to court I don't think for one second men would be disbelieved like women are.

Great link already provided if anyone actually wants to understand more.

NormskiNamechange · 13/05/2018 09:44

Some of the posts on this thread are depressing. I’m not going to engage but if you think that women should be prevented from talking about issues that affect them because men also go through the same issues then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

Shall we tell those people who campaign for better awareness of men’s mental health to be quiet because women commit suicide too? No, because that would be ridiculous wouldn’t it?

Well done OP on linking such a useful book to people who may need it. I will certainly be taking a look.

Menime · 13/05/2018 09:46

Or

"The one reason I'm like this is because of you. You made me this way. I'm doing this because of you."

CarysMa · 13/05/2018 09:46

I have a boy and a girl and I worry more for my daughter. Obviously.

OP, you tried to do a simple thing and recommend a book that has the potential to help women spot abuse. Threads on mumsnet can go either way. You did nothing wrong.

Yoshimi234 · 13/05/2018 09:46

I feel more worried for my boys than my girls frankly when I read some of the hysterical threads on here.

Oh FFS this bullshit makes me so weary.

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 09:49

Eolian My parents have a good relationship, but when I was very young, I went out with a man who was emotionally abusive. I recognise some of his tactics in this book. I had never come across these tactics before, so it actually took me quite a while to recognise them. I still think the man I went out with would have never hit me, but he was an abuser. And now I recognise this in some other men.

Thankfully most, although not all women now recognise that a partner hitting you is wrong. But abusers rarely start with hitting. They use other abusive tactics to reel women in, and sometimes use psychological abusive tactics and nothing else.

I also recognise from MN many women who are being financially abused, who don't recognise it themselves.
Recognising you are being abused is the first step, and isn't always as easy to see as you might assume.

OP posts:
PlowerOfScotland · 13/05/2018 09:49

I feel more worried for my boys than my girls frankly when I read some of the hysterical threads on here.

Hmm Hysterical. What's it like to hate women so much?

CaledonianQueen · 13/05/2018 09:51

My DH is a wonderful man, he is kind, gentle, loving and encourages me in every part of my life. I was in shock, having grown up with a Dad who emotionally, psychologically, financially and verbally abused my Mum, as well as cheated on her throughout their marriage. It was a very pleasant surprise and I am ashamed to say that I struggled to trust him at the start. I know I am lucky, I was in many dangerous situations before meeting my DH and I suspect ( no I know) that I was vulnerable and very lucky not to end up with an abusive man.

I still think I will read it, if only to help my Mum who is still trapped in a cycle of abuse. I think it might help me understand why my Dad is the way he is, he is a much better Father (to me) than a husband to my Dm.

My little girl is too young for me to warrant reading it on her behalf although I think I will buy it purely to have in the future for reference.

I feel similarly that anyone with in law/ parent relationship problems should read Susan Forwards’s Toxic parents and Toxic In-laws books. I only wish that I had read these books back at the beginning of my relationship with my Dh.

acceptableMargin · 13/05/2018 09:52

No thanks. Why do we need to read it?

Menime · 13/05/2018 09:52

"Ask anyone else and they'd agree with me, if anyone knew what I have to put up with they'd understand"

"You're lucky to have me, nobody else would handle you. All your previous boyfriends were tramps and I'm the best of all of them."

"Because you're mental and got some illness, you think the way you're behaving and reacting to me in normal but it's not, your brain is just wrong, because your not normal you blame everything on me and make out I'm so horrible. You're the one on meds and therapy, not me. I'm the normal one."

CarysMa · 13/05/2018 09:54

CaledonianQueen, You're so lucky that you ''let him in'' because in the past I know I've fled from people who seemed to straight forward, too interested in ME. It terrified me. It seemed easier to leave the boundaries up and deal with men who didn't want to know the real you. Men who just viewed you as a fictional character. You were ''lucky'' that ou were comfortable with your H. Sorry for using the word lucky there. I feel there must be a better word

mumonashoestring · 13/05/2018 09:57

@acceptableMargin if your first reaction to a book recommendation is to say 'no' and then ask what it's about then maybe you should just aim for reading more in general?

rodstewartsmerkin · 13/05/2018 10:06

@crunchymint

I’m waiting on an answer to the question I posed to you earlier.

FissionChips · 13/05/2018 10:07

Thank you for the link op, I shall be forwarding it to a few people I think it would help.

acceptableMargin · 13/05/2018 10:07

Oh, the irony.

I didn't ask what it's about. I asked why 'we' should read it.

Bet you feel like a prize twat. You should.

MsGameandWatching · 13/05/2018 10:09

Bet you feel like a prize twat. You should.

Reverse that right back Smile

acceptableMargin · 13/05/2018 10:12

Oh, I'm rubber and you're glue ... Got me there!

Have you mixed up your usernames or just enjoying some kind of Sunday argument for the sake of it?

leggere · 13/05/2018 10:13

This is a thread about help for abused women, thanks OP. Posters who are trying to sabotage should be banned or go and start their own thread about abuse to men!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/05/2018 10:13

General point - of male DV victims, how many of them are in same-sex relationships, i.e. also victims of male violence? Is that even quantified separately?

I agree that people should read the book. It's not just for yourself, it's for your friends, your family, your neighbours - so that if you know someone in an abusive situation you can offer them a hand or a shoulder. Understanding is still in short supply - victims are still often told they "must have done something to provoke it" or similar; or asked why they don't just leave, like it's that easy.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 13/05/2018 10:14

if you think that women should be prevented from talking about issues that affect them because men also go through the same issues

who said anything about preventing women from talking? Why can't we talk about ABUSE, regardless of the gender? This is exactly the point some of us are making about posters refusing the discussion and pretending being open-minded means some women hate other women. Hysterical much?

and for the poster who ask what I think could possibly happens to my boys... Hmm I am not even going there.

MsGameandWatching · 13/05/2018 10:15

Sock puppeting? No, that's against the rules. Please do report if that's your concern. I know you feel a bit silly now but no need to question other posters integrity.

Keepithidden · 13/05/2018 10:17

It's an interesting read, I gave my copy to my sister after her marriage collapsed. I think she found it useful.

Lundy is at pains to point out that men are also victims and states in the foreword about this. It doesn't detract from the messages within though.

JacquesHammer · 13/05/2018 10:17

This is exactly the point some of us are making about posters refusing the discussion and pretending being open-minded means some women hate other women. Hysterical much?

Well the fact that you keep using misogynistic language isn’t really suggesting you’re open minded

acceptableMargin · 13/05/2018 10:18

ThumbWitchesAbroad

"of male DV victims, how many of them are in same-sex relationships, i.e. also victims of male violence? Is that even quantified separately? "

As you brought it up, with regard to sexuality and DV, it's lesbians who are most likely to be victims of DV. Female violence is not addressed as it isn't fashionable to suggest anyone but men (white, straight, rich - have I missed any?) are to blame for societies ills.

IIRC, it's then male homosexual relationships and then straight.

Keepithidden · 13/05/2018 10:19

I worry for my son as he is more at risk of violent crime. I worry for my daughter as she is more at risk from violent sexual crime. Neither really trumps the other in this respect.

FWIW I worry more for my daughter's happiness as she has society stacked against her due to her sex.