To think every woman should read Why Does He Do That?

[crunchymint]

Every woman should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He describes how to recognise abuse, explodes myths around abusive partners, and advises how to get out of an abusive relationship. So a few examples -

So no, men who abuse partners are not more likely to have have had an abusive childhood than men who do not abuse partners.

Men who are controlling and critical and excuse this by saying it is because how their ex partner treated/abused them, are showing that they are abusive men.

You can read it for free here.
unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thats interesting, but this thread is about a specific type of risk.

Well the fact that you keep using misogynistic language

thank you for proving my point. I need to write no more.

Good post at 9:59 OP.

I'm a bit split on what i think of the book but it's a good discussion. I know it provides a light bulb moment for many but when i read it i had to put it down part way through because i was seeing abuse in everything. i felt like i lost my own ability to reason. I also read Lundy "Should i stay or should i go?" which i found more manageable.

It'd be interesting to hear from someone in a healthy relationship what their experience of reading it is.

Someone asked on a recent thread whether it'd be suitable for a teenager drawn to abusive relationships. Can't remember if i replied, i didn't think it was. But it did get me wondering what other resources are out there.

I’m not hysterical. Thanks for the concern though. 😂

I wouldn’t dream of going onto a forum for male suicide prevention and demanding that they also consider the issue of female suicide. They are both equally important issues but that is not what the initial discussion was about.

However, I suspect neither of us is going to understand each other’s POV.

Bancroft in the book talks about abuse in same sex relationships.

We don't actually know about the level of abuse in same sex relationships because the methodology of the research was basically crap.

@acceptableMargin
with regard to sexuality and DV, it's lesbians who are most likely to be victims of DV.

Thats a myth based on the way information was collected in one survey;
People who had experienced DV were asked if they were lesbians. Can you see how that explains the high percentage of lesbians who had experienced DV?

I don't think ikeep understands that "hysterical" is a misogynistic insult...

Yoshimi I am in a healthy relationship. I am concerned that when you read it you saw abuse in everything. Maybe your relationship is abusive?

In my current relationship, my partner genuinely wants me to be happy and wants what is best for me.

acceptable, why shouldn't we read it?

Not agreeing with you does not mean I don't understand something, but thanks

Why I am recommending every woman reads it, is because of the different ways men can be abusive. These can be difficult to recognise.

We don't actually know about the level of abuse in same sex relationships because the methodology of the research was basically crap.

Bollocks.

U.S. Department of Justice

"Based on the findings of four studies that had data on nearly 30,000 participants, they found that between one quarter and three quarters of lesbian, gay and bisexual people are the victims of domestic violence."

CDC’s 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey

Lifetime prevalence of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner was 43.8 percent for lesbians, 61.1 percent for bisexual women, and 35 percent for heterosexual women, while it was 26 percent for gay men, 37.3 percent for bisexual men, and 29 percent for heterosexual men

www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/mestic-violence-common-same-sex-partners-review-article-1.1952707

"The National Violence Against Women survey found that 21.5 percent of men and 35.4 percent of women living with a same-sex partner experienced intimate-partner physical violence in their lifetimes, compared with 7.1 percent and 20.4 percent for men and women, respectively"

Sorry crunchymint, should think my post through better. I have since left. Yes, maybe my judgement is completely skewed in terms of finding the book overwhelming.

Not agreeing with you does not mean I don't understand something, but thanks

So why ARE you using patriarchal language to try and minimise women’s concerns? It’s either you don’t understand or you’re doing it deliberately. Your call.

Ok, I should have said - I’ll never understand YOUR POV.

Yes it is the methodology that is an issue. I am not disputing the headlines of the research.

1. You need to know the sex of the abuser. Most lesbians have also dated men at some time.
2. How is abuse defined. Some surveys I have seen are shocking in the way they define abuse which shows a total lack of understanding of the subject.

If you understand methodology behind surveys, and there is lots of research in this, you can see how these surveys are not accurate.
I am not saying who experiences most abuse. My point is that we don't know.

Yoshimi No need to apologise.
Maybe when you feel strong enough, it might be worth reading for future relationships?

Thanks TheFlannels for The Rules Of Misogyny. Thanks OP for the link to the book and well done for keeping to the point, despite the saboteurs. Are you sure you can't ban them?

leggere I am not a mod. If I was I would.

Crunchymint

So you're arguing against the methodology - not in detail obviously, just general 'no, it's wrong' type arguments.

I suspect that short-shrift would be given to anyone doing the same for male-on-female domestic violence.

As I said in a previous post, some people can't seem to handle the idea that men aren't to blame for everything.

Why are you so opposed to the idea that DV in lesbian relationships is a massive problem? Do your ideas about patriarchy and women being oppressed not bend to include it? Is the next ad hoc argument a step too far for you?

No thanks. Why do we need to read it?
Bet you feel like a prize twat. You should. @acceptableMargin

On the contrary, I think you DO need to read it.

acceptableMargin, again-why shouldn't we read it?

acceptableMargin
between one quarter and three quarters
Is not an accurate figure. And

If I start a survey for 'people who have been in a car crash'.
and ask people who have been in a car crash 'were you a passenger?'.
And 78% of people respond 'yes'
I cannot then truthfully say '78% of passengers have been in a car crash'.

Do you see how that works?
A survey of people who had experienced DV were asked if they were lesbian or heterosexual.
That does not tell us how many lesbians have experienced DV.

Why can't we talk about this book that is aimed at women without having to involve men too? Why? Why can't a conversation just centre on women, ever?

I know it’s very frustrating

Financial abuse seems to be pretty common from reading MN. And many women who are being financially abused, do not recognise this as abuse.