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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think every woman should read Why Does He Do That?

193 replies

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 07:53

Every woman should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He describes how to recognise abuse, explodes myths around abusive partners, and advises how to get out of an abusive relationship. So a few examples -

So no, men who abuse partners are not more likely to have have had an abusive childhood than men who do not abuse partners.

Men who are controlling and critical and excuse this by saying it is because how their ex partner treated/abused them, are showing that they are abusive men.

You can read it for free here.
unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OP posts:
Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:49

MrsGame We can, just ignore them. Personally I always suspect that anyone who would behave so inappropriately is themselves an abuser.

OP posts:
Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:52

He also talks about a warning sign in a new relationship being a man who is attracted to women with less power than him. So much younger women, or women with far less money than him, or vulnerable in some way.

OP posts:
0LIVE · 13/05/2018 08:53

Ooh I love it. Only the second post and we are getting “ what about the Menz? “.

Rodstewardsmerkin- if you care so much about male victims of domestic violence , why aren’t you out there fundraising for male refuges ?

Instead of sitting at home trying to derail a thread which seeks to help other victims.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2018 08:54

The two abusive relationships that I’ve known about conclusively IRL were wife abusing husband.

It's not a competition, but ... only 2?

I can name at least 10 friends who have left abusive relationships where it was man beating husband.

No one is denying that women are abusive, in fact as op said, it is addressed in the book. But to say it is majorly men, it NOT men bashing at all. Please stop trying to silence women talking about male on female abuse, that in itself is part of the problem.

Northernparent68 · 13/05/2018 08:56

I think Bancroft is a fraud, he has no relevant qualifications and does n’t cite sources.

He makes no attempt to examine why women remain in abusive relationships, and why some women are attracted to abusive men. He characterises every personality trait as abusive, and I think some victims end up physiologically dependent upon him.

rodstewartsmerkin · 13/05/2018 08:58

crunchymint

We can, just ignore them. Personally I always suspect that anyone who would behave so inappropriately is themselves an abuser.

Perhaps I’ve misunderstood your post (I really hope I’ve misunderstood it) but are you saying that, because I’ve highlighted that men are abused, I am somehow an abuser?

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:59

Bancroft focuses on the abusive men and helps women understand what is happening in their abusive relationships and how to get away.

OP posts:
rodstewartsmerkin · 13/05/2018 08:59

differentname

That’s why I said conclusively

I’m pretty sure there aren’t others but I can’t say for sure

rodstewartsmerkin · 13/05/2018 09:00

*are not aren’t!

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2018 09:02

Opps...

woman being beaten by husband

FesteringCarbuncle · 13/05/2018 09:02

Waaaahaaaa what about the men

Women you are not allowed to discuss anything about women without first prioritising men
No wonder we have never reached equality

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2018 09:03

@Northernparent68

Nice victim blaming.

Original poster
crunchymint · 13/05/2018 09:05

Bancroft has worked with roughly two thousand abusive men. He understands abusers and the different ways in which they abuse.

OP posts:
SummersB · 13/05/2018 09:07

Thank you OP. I am happily married to a lovely, non abusive man but I have older teenage daughters so I will read this and see if it's worth passing it on to them to protect them in the future.

Firesuit · 13/05/2018 09:07

Why can't we talk about this book that is aimed at women without having to involve men too? Why? Why can't a conversation just centre on women, ever?

You can, you just have to avoid making the implication at any point that all woman are victims/all men perpetrators. Because if you do that, you will piss off the 95% of people for whom that is not their experience of life, and if you piss people off by insulting them or the people they love, they're likely to want to talk about that rather than what you wanted to talk about.

The OP has inadvertently sabotaged her own thread by using the phrase "all women." She could have said "everyone", the book is interesting for men too.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2018 09:07

Yup, men are SO concerned about their fellow men being abused, yet refuse to do anything about it, expecting women to fight this battle for them.

How about fighting your own fight...

BlondeB83 · 13/05/2018 09:08

I read this after the end of an abusive relationship, I found it very insightful.

Orangecake123 · 13/05/2018 09:09

I grew up watching my mother be the victim of domestic violence.

I didn't know what normal was. But "we accept the love we think we deserve".

The first guy I fell in love with was a nasty piece of work, but I couldn't see any of it. I just saw the person who he could be. He is my never again.

Look at actions not words.

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 13/05/2018 09:11

I don't think every woman should read it - some of us are married to wonderful men, you know the ones who never get mentioned anywhere. They do exist!

Fuckthetodolist · 13/05/2018 09:16

I am married to a wonderful man, but I nearly got married to an awful man, and it wasn't a book, but a newspaper article which opened my eyes. I was a clever woman from a loving, supportive family, but it is terrifyingly easy for anyone to fall into an abusive relationship, because so many behaviours aren't warned against, aren't obviously labelled as abusive. I will be giving this book to my DC once they become teens- forewarned is forearmed.

theaveragewife · 13/05/2018 09:16

Firesuit 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men is a lot more than 5% of the population.

Anyone pissed off by the fact domestic abuse happens, and that women are talking to other women about a book that has been written to help survivors is an utter cunt.

Liberation1 · 13/05/2018 09:17

Another good one is "How to beat the Narcissist " written by a Narcissist. It's a good way of understanding things that don't make sense in your head.

I read it 2 years after the relationship ended because I was having a tough time understanding why it all happened.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2018 09:17

I don't think every woman should read it - some of us are married to wonderful men, you know the ones who never get mentioned anywhere. They do exist!

We are all surrounded by vulnerable people who fall victim to abusive men, daughters/sisters/co-workers etc. Just because we may not be one, doesn't mean it will never impact us.

PintOfMineralWater · 13/05/2018 09:19

"Why can't we talk about this book that is aimed at women without having to involve men too? Why? Why can't a conversation just centre on women, ever?"

YY. Or, you have to qualify your statement by saying "can I just point out that some men are abused by women too, and not all men are abusers". WE KNOW THAT. WE KNOW.

Liberation1 · 13/05/2018 09:20

Namechange people in good relationships can read it too because we also have friends/family/daughters who could be experiencing abuse so it's good to know the signs or just for education really.