To think every woman should read Why Does He Do That?

[crunchymint]

Every woman should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He describes how to recognise abuse, explodes myths around abusive partners, and advises how to get out of an abusive relationship. So a few examples -

So no, men who abuse partners are not more likely to have have had an abusive childhood than men who do not abuse partners.

Men who are controlling and critical and excuse this by saying it is because how their ex partner treated/abused them, are showing that they are abusive men.

You can read it for free here.
unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

No I don’t think all women should read this.

Neither do I think all people should read a book about the dangers of smoking.

I’m desperately sympathetic to the circumstances or women for whom the book has been useful. But it’s important for many reasons to keep a rounded perspective on life.

I read Alan Carr's book even though I don't smoke. I thought it was very interesting and if you're interested in psychology at all both books are very useful.

No I don’t think all women should read this. Neither do I think all people should read a book about the dangers of smoking

I assume you have female friends, relatives, colleagues and neighbours. One of them, someone you know, is in an abusive relationship right now. Maybe is you understood more you could help that person.

It might inform how you vote or what charities you support.

It might make you a kind and more compassionate person .

Yes, yes, YES. I will be buying a copy for my teenagers.

Sorry, I meant yes to reading it. Not yes, to being U.

It might make you a kind and more compassionate person .
It might inform how you vote or what charities you support.

These comments would probably turn me off against reading it if I hadn't already. I have no doubt that Plums is already kind and compassionate and is smart enough to know how she wants to vote and what charities to support without reading this book.

Maybe Plums understands enough already. Don't assume she doesn't just because she doesn't agree that every woman should read it.

I'm so cross that the NAMALT "women do it too" posters leapt on this early on.

It's fucking obvious what you're up to when you do this, and doesn't make your point the way you think it does. It just makes you look incredibly stupid.

Yes OP, this is a brilliant book that is worth reading even if you're not in an abusive relationship or in danger of falling into one, it helps you spot others who are and offer help when they reach out.

Is it petty to point out that nearly every single woman I've ever met who found herself in an abusive relationship, always said that she would never have believed she could be one of "those" women, she took no nonsense from men, she thought she knew what an abuser looked like, she got slowly sucked in and didn't realise that she was in an abusive relationship until she was well and truly stuck in it?

Anecdata I know. But still.

No not petty at all. And yes I have heard women say that too.

My intelligent, articulate, mature friend, who is a mum of adult children, strong capable and independent, found herself in a relationship with a man who began to drink heavily, become argumentative and bullying, and gave up his job to live off her. Her children recognised the problem before she did, he made awful threats, and took her for a significant amount of money. I would never have expected her to be deceived like that. He ticked all the boxes, but she hadn't read the book.

As for men, yes, they do suffer at the hands of women. I think the power balance tends to mean women are more likely to be trapped than men are.

The not all men brigade are simply manipulative, and probably abusers.

I am saving that gem!

I have recommended this book many times because of how useful it was to me and to all the women who came to "Trubble's Catbox", the forum for verbal abuse. Unfortunately the servers died in 2014 and it was unrecoverable.
I grew us in a family suffering from what Alice Miller calls generational abuse. Not just my family of origin but also the seven different foster homes I lived in.
The Bancroft book was a great help in learning to resist that urge to advise instead of listen that is so common when people confide in us.

For me personally, the best thing about the book long term is seeing all the ways in which I was doing the things that I was reading about. I swore when I was a teen that I would never do the things that were done to me but unfortunately as an adult the difference was one of style , not substance. It was a painful read because I saw myself as well as those who had verbally and physically abused me in a new light. To say it changed the way I interacted with family and friends as well as strangers is a simple truth.
There was one particular line that has really stuck with me.
“When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.” It is another way of saying projection, of course, but one that really resonated for me.

Thank you OP for posting this book recommendation for people who wonder if what they or their friend are experiencing is really abuse. Be careful though because you might see yourself in the mirror.

I am reminded by this thread and many like it that the day of the year when International Men's Day (November 19) is most often mentioned on the internet is International Women's Day.

There are just as many areshole women as men, i don’t doubt that for a minute. The problem is that the way our society is structured is that it hands means and opportunity the men more often than the women. And to do more damage with that opportunity.

Excellently put.

i was in an abusive relationship for decades, how much do I wish I'd read the book before it started, don't know if it was published then, but there wasn't the understanding then, I wish someone had given me a copy when it was published, it took me several rounds of the freedom programme to peel back the decades of abuse and make sense of it all, and tis book was a great help. Yes when he started violence I knew that was abuse but if I'd known all the rest I'd not have stayed long enough for the violence to start. Unless you've been in that situation it is hard to understand. Certainly all the women I met doing freedom were sure that teaching teenagers to spot the signs of an abuser and if they do end up with one, what were the warning signs before it went on to violence, before they fell pregnant, moved in with him, whatever would save many women from ending up in an abusive relationship. There were women of all ages and races and backgrounds, and in lesbian relationships, including women who'd met their abuser very young. Maybe an abridged version, it's a lot to take in but there needs to be much more information out there to protect women. And safe spaces and compassionate help for men who are abused. I read on the CALM website that every week 84 men in the UK take their own lives, how compassionate would it be for a woman to diss the charity because women take their own lives. Quote from the website Being a bloke, it can be hard to open up and talk but whatever’s making your life difficult, CALM can help you sort it, meaning you can get back to enjoying your life - sometimes men and women need different help and it is surely discriminatory for anyone to deny anyone for the safe space that's right for them

I'm really pleased that you left your abusive partner always. But this thread is about women who have been abused, not men who have been abused. Men of course, are free to make their own websites, blogs and safe spaces.

I think you've misunderstood Cassandra's post, rosy. She agrees with you. She's pointing out that no one would derail a thread about Male suicide by saying 'women suffer it too', and no one should derail a thread about DV by say8ng 'men suffer too'.

Ok, sorry Cassandra, have misread. I'm so defensive at the moment!

Thanks for explaining pickle

I feel very uncomfortable that a man is making huge amounts of money off the back of women being abused.

And the retreats he runs for women in the USA creep me out.

I feel very uncomfortable that a man is making huge amounts of money off the back of women being abused. And the retreats he runs for women in the USA creep me out

Do you think that services for abused women should only be run by volunteers ? Or that they shouldn’t be provided at all and women should just put up and shut up ?

Because if it’s the first, can I ask how much time you personally volunteer each week? And who pays for the overheads for the charity you work for ?

No, I thought not. You don’t give your time for free but think that everyone else should. Nice.

Can I also recommend Living with the Dominator. Written by the woman behind the Freedom Programme, who has also worked extensively with male offenders.
It resonated with me more that "why does he do that"

Yy olive. Also feels a bit ironic on a thread with a free PDF

Thanks for sharing that link.

I think male-on-female abuse is so normalised that it often escapes attention.