To be feeling shit after spending time with wealthier friends

[Iwantmoreketchupplease]

Actually I'm pretty sure I am being unreasonable but I need to get it out anyway so please don't flame me I've been on here ages but have name changed for this.

DH and I met up with our best friends (two other married couples) yesterday evening. Coincidentally, the other two men have both just secured big (as in potentially life changing) promotions at work so there was a lot of talk about that as both couples are, understandably, excited about what it means for them. Both couples were already quite a bit better off than us, to the extent that sometimes when they suggest things for us all to do, places to eat etc. it's awkward because we have to say "actually we can't afford that". So now the difference between our situations will become even more pronounced I suppose. Last night one of the women was excitedly chatting about how she can now afford to give up work to be a SAHM and the other couple were talking about their plans for a 'holiday of a lifetime' next year.

I am pleased for them. Really, I am. But I also feel like DH and I are getting left behind and I suppose I'm just realising that this kind of thing will never happen for us. I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person but i'm ashamed to say I've found myself feeling quite low about it all today.

DH is currently working 50+ hour weeks and has a hellish commute on top of that. He is trying so hard to get on at work but was recently passed over for promotion (in favour of a younger, less experienced man who happens to be dating the bosses daughter) and I know he's feeling quite deflated. He has tried looking elsewhere but he works in quite a niche area and his are limited as he has no academic qualifications. He was always bright but didn't apply himself in school and left school at 16 to go out to work as soon as he could to his very difficult and chaotic home life, whereas most of our friends our educated at least to degree level. I had a well paid but very stressful part time role but was forced to give it up following a breakdown in my mental health. So I now have to work full time in a less stressful, but lower paying, low status job that I'm overqualified for. Everyday I'm talked down to by people who assume I'm uneducated or inexperienced because of my position. There is no possibility of progression and I'll never be able to go back to what I was doing before. So neither of us is where we want to be and I think last night just really brought it home to me.

I know we are lucky compared to many (we have our own home, for example) but we haven't had a holiday for years and have to budget very carefully. I know money isn't everything, but of course it would be nice to have the money to join a gym, get a cleaner, go on regular shopping trips and spa days like most of my friends do or to not have to worry if something goes wrong with the car or an appliance breaks down unexpectedly.

Any words of wisdom or advice on how to get past feeling like this would be much appreciated. I definitely don't want to distance myself from good friends just because they're doing better in life than we are but equally I don't want to feel like shit every time we get together.

Fuck me, that was long. Sorry for the essay, I didn't mean to write that much and thank you to anyone who makes it to the end!

You could reflect that all the money in the world can't buy tact...

I was a single dm and my bf and her dh were well off.
Behind closed doors he was a complete twat.
Be happy with what you have op.

Could one of you study at the OU or retrain in a trade for example? I know how you feel OP as i used to feel dire as the only lone parent in our circle. Until the scales fell from my eyes and i started seeing the truth of all these 'lovely' marriages and 'cosy' homelives. Not much consolation i know so all you can do is find other friends or try to better yourself/selves in respect of work.

Their behaviour was crass. Envy is understandable. But the vast majority of people are not super wealthy, and the super wealthy have problems too.

Yes, not too nice to go on about all of that in front of you IMHO. IME, most social groups I know have a similar income in common. Probably to avoid the sort of unpleasant situation you have experienced. Maybe time to see less of these people possibly, sorry

Been there where you are. Meh it passes in a few days. Makes you feel like shit tho.

I work in an environment where many of my colleagues are much wealthier than me. Much. I went through periods of feeling really crap about it, but gave my head a wobble some years ago. Don’t compare yourself to others, it never ends well. Material wealth ultimately has little to no bearing on real contentment.

Money doesn’t equal happiness. It honestly doesn’t.
The main thing I got from your post was a dissatisfaction with your own life. I’d be wanting to change that irrespective of your friends’ situations.

Yanbu. It’s understandable to feel the way you do.
I think your friends were inconsiderate to go on about it like that. It’s very insensitive of them. They should have moved on to other topics.
As for getting past the materialistic thing, I don’t know, you tell me. I’m not rich either! Things change, your circumstances will change.
I focus on hobbies that I enjoy. I feel rich in terms of the way I choose to spend my free time and the relationships I have. But I’d still like to stop worrying about money.

Your health and relationships are the most important, and are what will sustain you. No amount of money will replace them. Sometimes friends move on, but true friends will keep.
Hope these boorish people settle down, and that you get some breaks too, but if not remember you have what matters.

Why do you have to remain in the job you're in now? I know you left a job due to mental health issues, but why does that mean you have to remain in this role now and can't look to progress into something else? Just trying to understand.

Whenever I feel like this, I find it helps to remind myself that there are plenty of people who are homeless and that it's a massive luxury to own your own home, to have somewhere safe to return to each night, to have a roof that stops the rain getting in and a fridge full of food. To have your health when there are people who'd give up everything they have for another year of life. That relatively speaking, whatever your friends are doing, you're already richer than literally millions of other people in the world. And that you're in a country which will treat you if you get sick, instead of dying from something treatable like an infection.

I remind myself of all this when I feel bad about my tiny rented flat when I'm driving past huge houses or hearing my friends are buying a four storey house. It's all relative. You can be happy for someone else's achievement/success/fortune while also remembering that you're incredibly rich in many important ways.

Start taking steps to change your job

If you feel a bit shit after spending time with these friends then pull back a bit.
Sorry, they sound a bit full of themselves. Are they aware of your situation? Interested in you at all? They were insensitive.

I know a few very wealthy people and they just don't seem to grasp or understand the notion of a different less affluent lifestyle. I don't know why, they're intelligent and educated but have never known anything but wealth. They almost think poorer people have chosen that lifestyle.

I know money doesn't buy happiness but By Heck it would be nice to have a few weeks off the ever present worry about money eh? ..having to budget everything, cut out luxuries and lose sleep every time your car goes in for a blooming MOT.
It does feel like you're on a treadmill sometimes just to get by.

It's understandable to have a bit of envy.
I love being on MN, but the lives of some people on here amaze me - just tiny things, like people were talking about on the 'should a secretary make a drink for a meeting' thread this week for example, along the lines of companies paying for things I'd never get paid for at work. When you would love a holiday and haven't had one for years, then, yes, it is natural to feel envious of people you are close to doing such things. However, as everyone says, we all see the 'nice' things about other people's lives, and don't think about the downside of them. Nobody's life is perfect. You have to train yourself into thinking, each day of 3 things to be grateful for about your own life. As you say, there are plenty. It is all about habit of counting your blessing and being comfortable with 'where you are' in life, rather than constantly looking at the 'what you haven't gots'.

Sorry to hear about this. We are relatively comfortable, but we have some "new money" friends and they are tough to deal with, too excited about their huge house and car and holidays, and constant boasting. It does get to you. I think you need to pull back a bit and find new friends. Be grateful for what you do have and find friends that are not so materialistic. Expand your social circle.

The main thing I got from your post was a dissatisfaction with your own life. I’d be wanting to change that irrespective of your friends’ situations.

I think this, too. It sounds like the friends' situations have just focused your existing dissatisfaction.

Some people are so poor that all they have is money.

They sound tedious and boring. Did they talk about anything interesting?

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam you are absolutely right. We often take what we actually have for granted. I've seen so many people with absoluley nothing in material goods be full of wealth with happiness.

Do you have other friends OP? Because it would probably help to widen your circle. Things like having a cleaner and going on spa days - these aren’t things that most people have (by definition, the cleaner probably doesn’t have a cleaner !), but are the preserve of perhaps 5% of the population.

I would caution that you shouldn’t labour this “If only...” tack when with friends closer to your own economic status. A woman I knew (who claimed to be a socialist) pissed me off by constantly whingeing about how poor she was, when she had a perfectly decent standard of living. Things like how she couldn’t afford to send her DD to the exact private school she wanted - when even basic school trips at my state school had been out of reach to me. She had basically grown up as “one of the 1%”, and this had skewed her sense of what was reasonable to afford.

I think that there can be real issues having friends in different income brackets. I’ve discovered that recently, where I live is on the border of a v affluent area and a lot of the children at my children's school come from incredibly wealthy families. We are not. And I’ve struggled to make friends with any of the school mums because a) I’m not at the gates as I work all the hours I can and b) I can’t afford to go out for all the dinners and drinks which is where they socialise. I’ve no friends at the school as they stopped inviting me out because I kept saying no -not their fault but I just can’t afford meals out etc.
I’m happy in my life, my simple little life, but I do think finances can cause barriers to friendships.

I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. I have been there. In my last job -I had returned after a 4 year break to look after my daughter and I made cups of tea for everyone and photocopied and eventually they got me cleaning the toilets because despite the fact that I have two degrees and was overwhelmingly more able than an awful lot of the people there, they couldn’t see it. It was so depressing and in the meantime my friends were married to investment wankers and didn’t see how crass they were when they showed off. I realised that the one thing I could change was me and that it didn’t have anything to do with them. I found another job. I moved. I reinvigorated my emotions and prioritised me and my family and we are in a better place. I get how it hurts. It does. But you are better than that and things can get better. They can. I promise.

The grass always looks greener on the other side. I learnt the hard way money doesn’t buy you happiness and I wasn’t on a ridiculous salary either. Yes money means nice holidays and more luxouious items but in my experience it meant high demanding job, very poor work life balance and a rather lonely existence! If your dh wants progression maybe job shadowing would be a good way to gain some experience and show his keen ready for any future promotions, also get feedback on why he didn’t get the job. Even if you know the reasons get feedback regardless as they will have to give something constructive and then he can show his done what he can to overcome it. If your looking to retrain maybe look into courses or search advise on what is needed to get the poistion that avoid course fees?

Only socialise with poorer friends so you can feel smug.

It can be difficult, OP.

In the past I've always had people around me in similar situations financially. Some people owned their own homes, some people didn't, there were lots of differences, but we were all fairly bohemian and (roughly) in the same boat. I now live somewhere were some people have big houses and a fair bit of money, and it feels odd to try and be friends with them, which is sad, as there is almost an invisible barrier.

However, your friends have only recently made progress at work. Its their first holiday-of-a-lifetime (they're not jaded millionaires on their 10th trip to Barbados), so perhaps be a bit more understanding re. their excitement. Good (established) friends hopefully share their good fortune with each other, perhaps that will happen ...