To be feeling shit after spending time with wealthier friends

[Iwantmoreketchupplease]

Actually I'm pretty sure I am being unreasonable but I need to get it out anyway so please don't flame me I've been on here ages but have name changed for this.

DH and I met up with our best friends (two other married couples) yesterday evening. Coincidentally, the other two men have both just secured big (as in potentially life changing) promotions at work so there was a lot of talk about that as both couples are, understandably, excited about what it means for them. Both couples were already quite a bit better off than us, to the extent that sometimes when they suggest things for us all to do, places to eat etc. it's awkward because we have to say "actually we can't afford that". So now the difference between our situations will become even more pronounced I suppose. Last night one of the women was excitedly chatting about how she can now afford to give up work to be a SAHM and the other couple were talking about their plans for a 'holiday of a lifetime' next year.

I am pleased for them. Really, I am. But I also feel like DH and I are getting left behind and I suppose I'm just realising that this kind of thing will never happen for us. I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person but i'm ashamed to say I've found myself feeling quite low about it all today.

DH is currently working 50+ hour weeks and has a hellish commute on top of that. He is trying so hard to get on at work but was recently passed over for promotion (in favour of a younger, less experienced man who happens to be dating the bosses daughter) and I know he's feeling quite deflated. He has tried looking elsewhere but he works in quite a niche area and his are limited as he has no academic qualifications. He was always bright but didn't apply himself in school and left school at 16 to go out to work as soon as he could to his very difficult and chaotic home life, whereas most of our friends our educated at least to degree level. I had a well paid but very stressful part time role but was forced to give it up following a breakdown in my mental health. So I now have to work full time in a less stressful, but lower paying, low status job that I'm overqualified for. Everyday I'm talked down to by people who assume I'm uneducated or inexperienced because of my position. There is no possibility of progression and I'll never be able to go back to what I was doing before. So neither of us is where we want to be and I think last night just really brought it home to me.

I know we are lucky compared to many (we have our own home, for example) but we haven't had a holiday for years and have to budget very carefully. I know money isn't everything, but of course it would be nice to have the money to join a gym, get a cleaner, go on regular shopping trips and spa days like most of my friends do or to not have to worry if something goes wrong with the car or an appliance breaks down unexpectedly.

Any words of wisdom or advice on how to get past feeling like this would be much appreciated. I definitely don't want to distance myself from good friends just because they're doing better in life than we are but equally I don't want to feel like shit every time we get together.

I think your friends were inconsiderate to go on about it like that. It’s very insensitive of them

No they weren’t. Why shouldn’t you be able to discuss something good that has happened in your life??

My friend has just secured a new job which is a big step up. She’s delighted. We spent most of our evening last night chatting about the new job and celebrating her sucsess. I’m happy she’s happy. She didn’t get a better job at the expense of me.

This reminds me of on of my relatives. She and her husband began in a humble two-bedroom terrace, struggling for money. She was mostly a SAHM and over the years he was promoted several times, becoming more and more wealthy and living in bigger and bigger houses. Everyone in the family viewed them as a very successful couple and no doubt some were envious.

Fast-forward 30 years, they are now divorced, though still best friends. She now lives once again in an ordinary small house and has to count the pennies...but guess what? She says she has not been this happy for years. She missed those early days when they were starting out and didn't have much.

She was never really the materialistic one, he was. The marriage deteriorated the more money they had.

You can never tell much from outside appearances.

Quite agree Furano

Some fucking awful comments on this thread Who are these cunts... Have a word with yourself stopfuckingshoutingatme

It genuinely surprises me that people feel this way. what's the point in having friends if you can't be happy for them? When my kids whinge that the other one got a bigger slice of cake or more sweets, my response is 'so what? How does that make any difference to you?' Focusing on what other people have makes no sense - how is it even relevant? It's their life, not yours and if you can't look at their good fortune and say 'good on them' then you're not a very good friend IMO.

Yes Furano - and can also imagine if wealthy friends tried to subsidise some people - that would probably be treated as them playing at being Lady Bountiful or condescending - nb not talking about the OP here it's stopfucking .

When I say I like talking about holidays, it genuinely makes no difference to me if people are off for a fortnights camping/house swap or a trip to Florida. I just like thinking and talking about them - its genuinely not a status symbol thing.

I do however bloody hate any discussion around home improvements and want to rip my ears off if anyone brings up extensions particularly as the intricacies of them are so boring to me.

and if you were constantly monitoring yourself to avoid any reference to your income or status then that would be a bit awkward too.

I have no friends who talk about income and status

If I did, they wouldn't be friends any more

I think it's unnecessary unless you are wanting to boast

Boasting is fine but if people do it around me I don't see them again

Were they just excited about the wealth, or the status, or career challenge/job interest, or job security, or the confirmation of their abilities these new roles bring and you only heard "we'll have even more money"? Think carefully.

The couple talking about her giving up work now she can afford it - has she been putting up with a job she hates and is less materialistic than you think, if the thing she's happy about is being able to quit without worrying about the family suffering? I wouldn't hear that and think "wow they are flaunting their wealth" but "oh, my friend hates her job, possibly has for years, and now she can change it."

Ok ok

I refer to people that boast about their wealth and don’t have the sensitivity to realise that others don’t have what they have . Some people can be very classy and kind about it - I know many

Some will not be - examples
Slating state schools or certain locales
Selecting restaurants that are unaffordable for their peers
Expecting people to live up to their standards for group holidays , Hen do etc
Being rude about certain brands of clothing , toiletries , furniture

These are who I refer to not necessarily OPs friends

I don’t know many people like this now - but i sure as hell used to !

Thank you all for taking the time to post.
Just to clarify a few things people have asked about or that I probably didn't explain too well.

I'm not "unhappy with my life". I am married to (Imo) the kindest, funniest man in the world. I have healthy, happy DC. We have a lot of fun together. I have a close, supportive extended family. I have a very nice life and am grateful to have my health back most importantly. That's why I feel so stupid and more than a little bit ashamed of letting this money stuff get to me I think, because I know I'm lucky in most respects.

It's difficult to explain without outing myself but I worked in a very specialist area. Despite having a lot of qualifications, it was very difficult to find work outside of that profession because the skills are not easily transferable and my qualifications are all very specific to my previous career. I found myself with very few options that didn't involve going back to uni and retraining, which I can't afford to do. I can't go back to doing my old job because it's so inherently stressful and the medication I have to take (may always have to take) affects my ability to cope with sleep deprivation and to concentrate intently for long periods of time, it would actually be dangerous for me and others.

I don't actually dislike my current job, which reading back really wasnt clear in my OP. I feel guilty because me earning a lower salary puts additional pressure on DH. At times I feel embarrassed. Mostly I just dislike being patronised by (some, not all) senior members of staff, which is hard to stomach when you've previously been the senior one and were seen as an expert in your field. But the people in my team are a good laugh and the work itself is rewarding, socially useful and I enjoy it most of the time.

DH also doesn't dislike his job. He finds the work interesting and likes his colleagues but is feeling deflated right now having been passed over for this promotion and feels a bit insecure at times because the vast majority of his colleagues went to university and many were privately educated whereas a lot of his skills are self taught and he had to work a lot harder just to get a foot in the door.

I genuinely don't think our friends were trying to rub our noses in it. Perhaps they could have been more tactful but they are good people who were there for me, DH and the DC in various ways during my illness and we usually have a good time together. They are just excited about their recent good fortune and I can't blame them for that.

I'm of the view that life is too short to spend your leisure time with people you don't enjoy spending time with. Just because you've known each other a long time you're not obliged to keep meeting up if you feel rubbish afterwards.

I'd give them a wide berth for a while, maybe meet up once the novelty of these big promotions has died down a bit so less of a talking point.

They are just excited about their recent good fortune

Marvellous

Imo they can be excited with a bit of class and grace - in private.

Ok stopfucking - I will agree with you on that.

I'm on the periphery of friendship to a woman who is considerably richer to everyone else they know and have been told a funny few examples where she's made assumptions or just not thought that other people may be on a tighter budget than she is. So ordering £40 bottles of wine for lunch but then expecting everyone to split the bill when they didn't want it or would have been happy with a £15 a bottle one,

I actually get the opposite with my BF. I love her dearly, but man I have to zip my lip with the little digs about the private school that DS goes to. It's not even a question of cost as they could easily afford to go private if they want to. So inverse snobbery is a thing too.

Nah it's ok to feel like that sometimes, it's natural, just don't let it define you or dominate. And remember, riches don't mean happiness...you might be the richest of the bunch x

Only you will know what pressure you can take in a job - but not having much money is a pressure in itself.

If you can’t retrain then could you look at ways to learn to manage stress in higher paid roles? I think it sounds like you would have access to better paid work if you chose.

I don’t think you can make this about your DHs salary if you have opted for a less well paid job.

Spaghettijumper I've already said I'm happy for them. I don't begrudge them their success, they've worked hard for it and they're my friends so I want them to be happy. If you've never had fleeting thoughts of envy or wished things were easier for your own family then clearly you're a better person than I am.

It’s a funny old one and its always been this way

What does get me down secretly is private schooling . I get really low at times that my kids will have grown up with my friends kids and yet due to £30K per annum they might have a very different life . I know it’s silly and my friends BIL that went to a top private school now an unemployed actor / but I have my moments on this one

OP from your later post is sounds like your feelings really don't have much to do with your friends - it sounds like you've had a really tough time and a lot has changed for you and you're mourning the loss of the ideal life you'd hoped for.

I think that's understandable but if you want to feel better you need to acknowledge that and address ways that you can either adjust your ideal or work towards getting back to it.

Take note of the old adage "comparison is the thief of joy". I think naturally you and your friends will drift apart a bit. Already you have to turn down invites to expensive restaurants etc. wait till they start booking large luxury houses for group holidays and try to outdo each other cooking lobster "off the boat" and quaffing vintage wines and playing private school one upmanship.

I've been where you are. Be grateful for what you have - see the joy in simple things and your DC and relax. Opt out of the competitive crap.

I think your feelings are very normal.

Why not use them to motivate you? Instead of feeling down, look for paths to increase your own income. You can take a holiday-of-a-lifetime too, if that is what you want and you are prepared to work hard and be patient.

I don't feel envy because I don't really understand it - other people are not me, so how can I have their life? I know that's a very literal way to look at it but that's how my mind works.

I can't have anyone else's life. But I can change my own life. So if I feel there are things I want I can either make that happen or be realistic and realise I can't have whatever it is and move on/look for other things. Wasting time wishing is pointless IMO.

Actually, given what you have been through, perhaps your friend who was excitidly talking about becoming a SAHM now thought you'd understand.

If you can’t retrain then could you look at ways to learn to manage stress in higher paid roles? I think it sounds like you would have access to better paid work if you chose.
I don’t think you can make this about your DHs salary if you have opted for a less well paid job

It's really not that simple. Increased stress, for me, can mean becoming completely detached from reality, being unable to parent my children, and being detained in hospital against my will. I didn't "opt for" a low paid job, I did it to save my life.

You're right soggy it's not impossible to retrain. I re read my post and thought I sounded very bitter and resentful actually

moreketchup that sounds really awful. In the context of becoming seriously ill and having your life restricted as a result your feelings make sense - people whose lives change due to physical disability also have the same feelings. The key is to reassess your world in the light of this new change and come around to seeing that yes things are harder but they don't have to be any less fulfilling or positive - you unfortunately have more to deal with than others but you can make it happen.

Find something that enriches your life so you don’t feel the sting of envy. I’m sure you can do it.

Then if you still enjoy their company try to focus on other things

Or if you’re really keen keep working for that promotion - or your dh