To be feeling shit after spending time with wealthier friends

[Iwantmoreketchupplease]

Actually I'm pretty sure I am being unreasonable but I need to get it out anyway so please don't flame me I've been on here ages but have name changed for this.

DH and I met up with our best friends (two other married couples) yesterday evening. Coincidentally, the other two men have both just secured big (as in potentially life changing) promotions at work so there was a lot of talk about that as both couples are, understandably, excited about what it means for them. Both couples were already quite a bit better off than us, to the extent that sometimes when they suggest things for us all to do, places to eat etc. it's awkward because we have to say "actually we can't afford that". So now the difference between our situations will become even more pronounced I suppose. Last night one of the women was excitedly chatting about how she can now afford to give up work to be a SAHM and the other couple were talking about their plans for a 'holiday of a lifetime' next year.

I am pleased for them. Really, I am. But I also feel like DH and I are getting left behind and I suppose I'm just realising that this kind of thing will never happen for us. I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person but i'm ashamed to say I've found myself feeling quite low about it all today.

DH is currently working 50+ hour weeks and has a hellish commute on top of that. He is trying so hard to get on at work but was recently passed over for promotion (in favour of a younger, less experienced man who happens to be dating the bosses daughter) and I know he's feeling quite deflated. He has tried looking elsewhere but he works in quite a niche area and his are limited as he has no academic qualifications. He was always bright but didn't apply himself in school and left school at 16 to go out to work as soon as he could to his very difficult and chaotic home life, whereas most of our friends our educated at least to degree level. I had a well paid but very stressful part time role but was forced to give it up following a breakdown in my mental health. So I now have to work full time in a less stressful, but lower paying, low status job that I'm overqualified for. Everyday I'm talked down to by people who assume I'm uneducated or inexperienced because of my position. There is no possibility of progression and I'll never be able to go back to what I was doing before. So neither of us is where we want to be and I think last night just really brought it home to me.

I know we are lucky compared to many (we have our own home, for example) but we haven't had a holiday for years and have to budget very carefully. I know money isn't everything, but of course it would be nice to have the money to join a gym, get a cleaner, go on regular shopping trips and spa days like most of my friends do or to not have to worry if something goes wrong with the car or an appliance breaks down unexpectedly.

Any words of wisdom or advice on how to get past feeling like this would be much appreciated. I definitely don't want to distance myself from good friends just because they're doing better in life than we are but equally I don't want to feel like shit every time we get together.

All those people saying money doesn’t buy you happiness. Well I’m sorry but it can and it’s totally understandable why the OP feels like she does. Fancy spa days and nice holidays, plus meals out and new clothes can make you very happy indeed. OP, have you thought about trying to get into another job? One that you are more qualified for? Or looking into routes that could increase your wealth? I agree your friends were being crass but they don’t sound like deliberately nasty people - they probably weren’t trying to hurt your feelings. You’re they’re friend. I think the conversations have made you feel dissatisfied. Yes, you could just drop these friends but it’s not really the answer. You can either try to earn more or just be very happy with what you have and try not to compare

Sorry just seen your update

I do think it’s normal to feel like a failure from time to time, even when you know you made good choices. Sometimes you have to let the feelings wash over you and recognise it’s not rational. I turned down promotion and other opportunities to be around for my kids and because I’m not great with stress, a good choice, and I still have a little flurry of despair when I see colleagues getting promoted.

Lots of friends of mine are the same - you get to a certain age and all of us have had brushes with failure. Even your seemingly successful friends will have ways they feel they’ve failed too. Hope you feel better soon.

That sounds really tough OP (and yes your friends were being extremely insensitive).

Having been in a similar-ish situation (not to do with money but intense jealousy of everyone I knew working in a certain career when I was in another career) the best thing you can do is look at small ways to start pivoting in a different direction.

It won't necessarily mean tons of money but at least moving into a job where you feel valued, or you enjoy so much it doesn't feel like work.

I took a paycut and moved out of a well-paid career into a much less well paid one but now I absolutely love my work.

It took years btw, and a lot of frustration and rejection, but I kept making small steps in the direction I wanted to be going.

There are some great sentiments on this thread but I don't see any logic in saying Well behind closed doors rich people have problems too. Illness, relationship breakdowns and so on happen to anyone regardless of your bank balance. There's no correlation to financial status.

The only difference I can see is that if you're wealthy you can afford to divorce and live comfortably on a divorce settlement. Someone mentioned the despair of their rich friend's conception difficulties. Again, they have the ability to fund ivf treatment that others could not afford.
Money doesn't buy happiness but I can't help thinking it makes life's problems easier.

(although that life-size Han Solo in carbonate model is quite cool but wouldn’t fit in my living room

My son would kill for that !!

OP I think this thread has helped you get clarity . And a health diagnosis , no matter how strong you are is going to hit you in the solar plexus sometimes

FWIW I have a friend that can do this . A lot ! Yet yesterday I was having a low moment and she called to cheer me up

People are not perfect , onwards

Absolutely understand where you are coming from . I am at times on minimum wage , at times quite a bit more , and mostly pretty content with where I am as I am doing what I love and have my life as mine . BUT sometimes ..a new car would be nice or not to worry about bills ..and occasionally jealousy and a sense of failure do hit ..my step brother is a lentil socialist , he and his wife both inherited houses , lived in Islington and mixed with socialist actors and writers and never had to worry about money..they never earned much but didnt need to as neither had to pay rent or mortgages and trust funds were on hand for the odd grand here or there.
They sold up and bought a farm house in the fens then later sold that and bought four houses near Cambridge , have a houseboat and potter about doing vaguely good works. They are very socialist , against inherited wealth and are nice but fucking clueless and rather condescending at times about people who want to make money . And sometimes ..I am really envious , but as is said ' comparison is the thief of joy' .

Great post Op. Glad you are able to step back from those feelings and get some perspective on it.

And I hope that your family too gets some good breaks and your friendship with those old friends is a source of happiness to you all for a long time.

Well done OP on gaining that perspective, I know it's not easy

I have two close friends who I see a lot of, both individually and as a three. One (A) is in the same sort of income bracket and background as DH and me, the other (B) isn't.
A and I are SAHPs, we were both educated privately and when we are together we talk about stuff that might make B feel left out.
B and I are both quite independent bolshy women and we parent similarly (and our kids are friends). When we are together we talk about stuff that A would find a bit odd.
When the 3 of us are together we talk about our kids (our eldest are the same age) mostly. Because we've known each other quite a long time, we are sensitive to each other's weak spots and anxieties and just don't put one another in an awkward position.
You need to find common ground with newly changed friends (it's similar when friends have a baby, or get new jobs, win lottery, get divorced, etc)

I understand. So if they can’t work around your budgets you may have to not want to be included
But I also think money isn’t everything (as I say from my crap tiny house when I would love to move...)

Glad to see your update, OP.

Just to put in my tuppence worth. As a couple of other posters have said, I've been on both sides of this. I have friends with a lot more money and friends with a lot less. It can be awkward at times - tbh I think it's worse for the higher earning friend, personally it bothers me a lot more to be in that position and worrying that I've said something tactless (I do tend to be a 'foot in mouth' person ) than to be the on the other side of the divide. Having said that, it needn't be a barrier to friendship at all, as long as both people are sensitive of each other's feelings. I hope you manage to get past this and the friendship continues

YANBU - it’s hard not to feel worse about your own situation when you spend time with people who are seemingly in a much better situation.

I had the same thing but with relationships - I was single for ages when all my friends had settled down. When I was on my own at home I mostly felt fine about it, but when I met up with my friends they would either bring their DPs with them and be all coupley or talk about things they were up to with their DPs - both made me feel shit about my situation!

But in the end you can’t expect others to put their lives on hold for you and it’s a shame to lose friendships over differing circumastances. I eventually met someone (after honestly believing it would never happen for me), so you never know, you might end up finding financial success from an unexpected source! In the meantime maybe just try to expand your social circle so that you spend time with people less well off than you as well as better off, to give you a more balanced perspective.

You should try to shake it off in the mode of Taylor Swift but YANBU. They were very insensitive indeed.

I get it op. I really do. We're not "poor" by any means but we're not wealthy either - especially not compared to our friends.
I felt like you do for a while but I've recently be diagnosed with an incurable and possibly life changing disease that will eventually effect my ability to do every day tasks.
And it's changed my perspective massively - in currently making the most of being able to walk and do all sorts of simple things (opening jars for example) as I may not be able to do it for ever.

Try to appreciate everything you've currently got.

I was about to say something similar to Michael. There are people who have received bad health news and wish more than anything else for more time to spend with their loved ones. At the end, we are not going to think about an expensive piece of furniture or big car, but instead the memories will be of loved ones and happy times.

If you come away from an evening with your friends, feeling low, then consider reducing the amount of time spent with them. You don't have to drop them altogether but you can certainly tell them you can't go to expensive restaurants or holiday with them and if they are real friends, they will ensure any plans take all six of you into account.

What an encouraging thread. Glad you have got perspective back and are feeling more positive OP.

I'm currently suffering insomnia due to work stress. Yet again. And this is in the low status, low paid line of work I took up after my "career" drove me to a total breakdown. Meanwhile some of my social circle are holidaying 3x year and spending 5k having their garden landscaped. They feel insecure about their wealth! I feel you OP.

I'm off to clean the bathroom

OP you have a family you love and presumably love you back. You can't buy that.
You are who you are. Don't underestimate yourself. You sound lovely.

I’m glad this post has helped, and I too totally understand your situation. I too am the poor one of the group. Whereas all my friends are younger and higher educated I had parents who just thought it was ok for girls, they just got married...... When I did marry, my (now ex)h told me my education finished when I was 16 and wrecked my study time purposely. By the time I realised I was so far behind I had to give up my studies. Exh two wasn’t any better, he said I wasn’t worth educating. When I did further my studies, half was through I got made redundant and never got chance to finish them.
I ended up taking jobs that would fit around choldcare and ended up in a series of low paid jobs, each time being told ‘Yes, there is chance for further study’ at interview but when in post being told ‘no’.
All my friends have married well, husbands with well paid jobs and had parents that encouraged their education. I never feel I got my break despite trying hard at every job i’ve Ever had, training myself up at home to know more, putting in extra unpaid hours - everything you’re told to do to advance, and when my break was in sight had others snatch it away from me.

I comfort myself by telling myself I have a dd that has benefitted from our life - she comes home and says of those in her year who cannot grasp money is not unending, who expect everything laid before them and are unable to step into the shoes of others.
The stress of it all has taken its toll - it ruined a relationship with someone I cared about as my mental health is now shot but luckily I have found someone who understands me and accepts my mental health issues.
I feel left behind. I know my friends would be hurt if they knew how their lives have at times made me feel, but it really is a case of look for any positive (which I then feel bad about as I feel I am looking to criticise them and their lives which I’m not!!!!)
At the end of the day this is my life - and I’ll get there one way or another, justcas you will.
Sorry for being all long and rambling - I’m in the middle of a ‘bad session’ mentality but wanted you to know there are others out there that can empathise and you are not unreasonable, it does sting when it happens

Guess this is what I’m trying to live by

''Comparison is the thief of joy''.

Seriously, do not do it. This is why so many people are so unhappy after they've been on the likes of facebook/instagram for 5 minutes. Just remember that people, especially at social gatherings, are only going to tell you the great things happening in their lives. Sure they might be planning a lovely holiday etc. but who knows what their day to day life is like - maybe their work/life balance messes with their marriage, maybe they've got other problems that they don't tell you about. People never give you the full picture - they just show you the positives and then you end up comparing all of their positives to all of your negatives.

Just focus on the good things in your life and cultivate them - your marriage, your home, your days off work etc. Focus on you. If it gets to it - it might do you good to distance yourself from those friendships, especially if they don't seem to be recognizing that you can't afford certain social activities.

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=happiness+lottery+amputaion&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

People have an inbuilt level of contentment that they return to after a very good or very bad experience. For example. If you're a miserable fucker you might feel happier after winning the lottery but after a year you'll be back to your usual miserable fuckery. And if you're a happy soul and you lose your legs in a freak accident with a combine harvester after 12 months you'll be back to your sunny self.

OP this is a really interesting thread. It's hard not to feel jealous but it's just a moment in time and things could change on a dime for anyone.

The thing I find depressing about your post is that it was once again a story about 'male success' at work and female partners enjoying the largesse of this success. As I get older (I'm almost 50) I get so depressed that so many women are relying on their husbands for their income and their wealth and so many women are dropping out of the workforce to be a 'support system' for high earning men.

I'm not sure if I'd feel jealousy for a friend who is giving it up to be a SAHM and basically be an enabler for her high earning DH - yuck!!

One of my my oldest & best friends is very well off have month long Carribbean holidays she has just bought a brand new range rover however. I on the other hand am not wealthy live in a council flat and rely on tax credits etc. I have genuinely never felt a scrap of jealousy as she & her parents have worked bloody hard for every penny. HOWEVER if they had won the lottery I'd be massively jealous & hate them all lol :)

Yup I can relate to that.

I am thinking that your days of close friendship are coming to a close.....

at a lot of posts on this thread. Both men had recently got ‘life-changing’ promotions, that’s big news and bloody exciting, of course they were talking about it. Don’t be bitter mn, that’s normal. Constantly going on about that kind of thing now, that’s a different thing entirely.

Op it sounds like - if you want a better standard of living - Open U or looking around for new jobs for you and dh would be a good next step?